The Upside of the Downside

DH is back in GA.  Boo hoo.  He left on Friday and we don’t yet have a plan for when we’ll see each other again.  Everything we had planned for the summer kind of fell apart for a myriad of reasons but we’re hoping the kids and I will be able to go for a few weeks, at least. 

At this point I don’t have any clue what is going to happen next….we *thought* we’d made the decision to move but DH started having doubts.  Freaked me out at first but after a lot of talking, I’m glad we’re on the same page.  I was a little annoyed that I had bothered to come to grips with it and now it’s changed, but it’s nice that we’re on the same page once again and I’m very happy to see him being a little more practical and reasonable.

For some reason this time it’s really hard on all of us.  Normally I don’t mind him being gone much, of course I miss him, but things have always been this way for us although not to this extreme.  I actually enjoy myself when he’s gone in ways I don’t when he’s here….I read more, cook less lol.  But none of us are faring well this time, even DH cried at the airport.  Colt has  cried every night.  I think the kids had been pretty used to him being gone a lot but they’re at the age now where they really seem to notice the difference.  We had such a great time while he was here, spent a lot of quality time together as a family that there is a big void without him that wasn’t really there in the past.

I think DH and I were so emotional this time because we know what we’re in for, we’ve learned since January that it’s not realistic for him to come home every month, and the fact is we just won’t see each other for months at a time.  We’ve come such a long way in our relationship over the last year…I think in the past it was easy for me when he was gone because a part of me wanted him gone, as awful as that sounds.  I just wanted some relief from the constant butting heads and taking stress out on each other.  The difference now is that we’re actually in this whole big mess called life together and I hate it when he’s not here.  I know this isn’t forever, and I know we have to just suck it up and bear it right now, but it’s no fun eating brownies and flipping channels all by myself anymore.

Since I’m challenging myself to find the upside though, I will say this:  I know the distance has made a tremendous difference for us.  It’s not so easy to put each other off when you cherish a phone call.  DH has gotten great about sending very sweet and loving emails, I’ve started sending him cards and care packages.  We were really forced to remember what we love about each other and the things that make our relationship great.  I’m pretty sure it’s permanent, many of my minor complaints have vanished and we both have a much deeper appreciation of each other.  If nothing else, the changes in our relationship are precious to me, I feel so loved and looked out for, and like I really have a partner.  I’m reassured that he accepts me for better or worse, and for the first time in years I feel like I can tell him anything and everything.  I don’t think we would be in this place if we hadn’t been forced to learn not to take each other for granted.

I don’t have a favorite kid.  Honest!  Ok, that isn’t true, I do have favorites.  Kylie is my favorite to hang out with in the kitchen, my favorite to shop with, my favorite to watch TV with.  Macie is my favorite to work outside with, read with, and my all time number one play dough partner.  Colt is my favorite to go exploring with, be it in our own backyard or a museum.  He’s the one I love to pray with too…he has such a sensitivity to him that amazes me when he prays, he sounds so wise and thoughtful.

In spite of my favorites, I try very hard not to let on.  I don’t NOT do any of these things with the other kids.  I don’t NOT enjoy it with the other kids, either, but there is just something that clicks more with one than another, if that makes sense.

 Anyway, tonight Macie was in our room watching cartoons.  I asked why, she said Daddy told her she could.  I said “Really?  How come?”.  She said “Because, I’m your favorite kid!”  I had to laugh, of course, but instead of correcting her, I told her she was right.  It dawned on me that it might feel pretty great to each of them to at least *think* they’re the favorite.

Just in case word got out about Macie being the favorite, I had to cover my bases.  I went and found Kylie and asked if she would give me a makeover.  She was happy to oblige, of course.  While she did I told her she is my favorite six year old girl.  My favorite make up artist, and my favorite shopping pal.  I told her that I don’t just love her; I really, really like her too.  I named as many of the things I could think of that make her unique, and make me proud. 

That left Colt, who was fast asleep already.  I figured what the heck, we’re on summer break, it’s worth waking him up.  I did, and when he asked why, I told him I wanted him to know he’s my favorite son.  That I love the little man he is, and I am so excited to see the man he becomes.  I told him how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness, his tenderness towards me and the girls, and the sweetness deep inside that allows him to rough it up with his friends and say goodbye to them with a hug and an “I love you, buddy.”

I realized tonight that it’s ok to have a “favorite” kid.  I think it means a lot to them to know that although there are three of them and one of me, they each have their very own special place in my heart and are in some way, my favorite kid.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.  The only one married to a guy who is whimsical and impulsive.  A guy who has a great mind, big aspirations, and no concern with what happens getting there.  A guy who is miserable when things are predictable.  Not the guy next door, who goes to work at 7, comes home at 5, and mows the lawn on the weekends if you know what I mean.

 I don’t say any of that in a judgemental way, in fact, those are all things I’ve actually come to appreciate and maybe even admire a teeny tiny bit in my husband.  But I would give my left arm for a bit of moderation.

I know he has good intentions, and as much as I complain, I usually benefit from his head-in-the-clouds ideas because fairly often, they work.  BUT….they also mean lots of roller coasters and frankly the ups and downs are making me nauseus.  Some days I wish he was content enough with something, anything, to level off a bit.  To coast for awhile.  To sit down and enjoy instead of being up and running to the next thing.

I know I’d be a little bored if he wasn’t who he is, but some days, a little boredom sounds pretty good.  I don’t want him to change, not much anyway.  I just want him to temper it, take it down a notch or two, be….normal.  Paint the deck and change the oil instead of dreaming and finding ways to turn my life upside down.

Like I said, I know he has good intentions, it’s all leading towards things he wants to be able to do for us and with us down the road.  But I’d like to enjoy right now, and know that right now might last at least as long as it takes me to tie my shoes and get on the trail….lately I feel like as soon as I’m up to speed and on board with something, it’s long gone and we’ve got a whole new can of worms, freshly opened.

Maybe I’m the problem, I’m slow to adapt and practical and analytical.  It takes me a while to sort through all the “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts”.  Maybe I need to trust him more and fly by the seat of my pants.  But what “if” the seat of my pants gets worn out?  Will I go flying through the air on my way to a magnificent crash landing?  Doesn’t one of us need to think of these things?