The Upside of the Downside

DH is back in GA.  Boo hoo.  He left on Friday and we don’t yet have a plan for when we’ll see each other again.  Everything we had planned for the summer kind of fell apart for a myriad of reasons but we’re hoping the kids and I will be able to go for a few weeks, at least. 

At this point I don’t have any clue what is going to happen next….we *thought* we’d made the decision to move but DH started having doubts.  Freaked me out at first but after a lot of talking, I’m glad we’re on the same page.  I was a little annoyed that I had bothered to come to grips with it and now it’s changed, but it’s nice that we’re on the same page once again and I’m very happy to see him being a little more practical and reasonable.

For some reason this time it’s really hard on all of us.  Normally I don’t mind him being gone much, of course I miss him, but things have always been this way for us although not to this extreme.  I actually enjoy myself when he’s gone in ways I don’t when he’s here….I read more, cook less lol.  But none of us are faring well this time, even DH cried at the airport.  Colt has  cried every night.  I think the kids had been pretty used to him being gone a lot but they’re at the age now where they really seem to notice the difference.  We had such a great time while he was here, spent a lot of quality time together as a family that there is a big void without him that wasn’t really there in the past.

I think DH and I were so emotional this time because we know what we’re in for, we’ve learned since January that it’s not realistic for him to come home every month, and the fact is we just won’t see each other for months at a time.  We’ve come such a long way in our relationship over the last year…I think in the past it was easy for me when he was gone because a part of me wanted him gone, as awful as that sounds.  I just wanted some relief from the constant butting heads and taking stress out on each other.  The difference now is that we’re actually in this whole big mess called life together and I hate it when he’s not here.  I know this isn’t forever, and I know we have to just suck it up and bear it right now, but it’s no fun eating brownies and flipping channels all by myself anymore.

Since I’m challenging myself to find the upside though, I will say this:  I know the distance has made a tremendous difference for us.  It’s not so easy to put each other off when you cherish a phone call.  DH has gotten great about sending very sweet and loving emails, I’ve started sending him cards and care packages.  We were really forced to remember what we love about each other and the things that make our relationship great.  I’m pretty sure it’s permanent, many of my minor complaints have vanished and we both have a much deeper appreciation of each other.  If nothing else, the changes in our relationship are precious to me, I feel so loved and looked out for, and like I really have a partner.  I’m reassured that he accepts me for better or worse, and for the first time in years I feel like I can tell him anything and everything.  I don’t think we would be in this place if we hadn’t been forced to learn not to take each other for granted.

I hate these nights, the ones when I’m completely wiped out and can’t sleep.  I doze off for a second and as soon as the feeling of sleepy bliss starts to set in, I wake up.  I drank so much water today (my new habit, sort of, just started it, we’ll see how it goes) that I didn’t even want a cup of coffee this evening.  The funny thing is, I drink one almost every night around 10pm and have no trouble sleeping.  Maybe it’s a withdrawal, yeah, that’s it.

The moon is gorgeous tonight, a very round and almost full and cream colored wafer in the sky.  It’s got the house illuminated in that creepy glow that somehow points out all the stuff sitting around that shouldn’t be out…so at least I have my to do list for tomorrow done.  Does that count as an upside?

Does anyone remember that book?  I never read it because I thought it didn’t apply to me.  I thought I was impulsive (which I am, but only when shopping), didn’t mind change (which I don’t, as long as it’s the kind in the bottom of my purse), and liked to be foot loose and fancy free (which I’m not anymore).

SO much change is in the air and I’m not handling it well.  Not just with us but FIL moving too….I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I guess I just hate the thought of all of us being so spread out.

So, I’m off to the library to get the book and figure out how to get my cheese back.

Ok, it’s hitting me now.  Moving to Georgia is becoming a very real possibility.  I guess I’d tucked it away in some corner of my mind as one of those things that might happen “someday”, and “someday” that would be fine.  We still don’t know that it’s an absolute, because when we went out of business it was, unfortunately, more of a crash than a bang and there are some things that have to be finished up before I can go.  But it’s looking like the odds are good.  Which means….

I HAVE TO GET BUSY.  Ahem, WE have to get busy.  DH hasn’t hit the list with the ferocity I’d hoped for.  Ahem. 

I called the school I want the kids to attend if we move, they have spots open for all three.  Yes, I said all three.  Macie will be starting K4.  What in the world will I do with myself?  I actually have lots of plans I’ve been putting off until she was in school but I will sure miss my little sidekick.  I feel a little guilty sometimes because I didn’t cherish this same time with the twins before they started school, but at least I got it right with one of them.

So anyway, lots of decisions to be made but many of them hinge on other things.  Hopefully by the end of next week I’ll know if we’re going for the summer or for good.

I’ve seen a lot of God at work in this situation.  I had told him that I can’t make this decision on my own, I needed to know where He wants me and in order to be sure of it I asked Him to start lining things up for us to go if GA is where He wants us.  And it’s happening.  Much of it is on the personal side and not something I want to discuss with many people, but suffice it to say that God is changing a situation that seemed unchangeable.  I’m so grateful, not only to know that He hears and cares, but because of the things I’m seeing that I KNOW can only be Him at work, I’m able to be excited about it.  I can’t believe I just said that, but I am.  I genuinely hope we’re able to move and want it to happen ASAP.  But don’t tell my mom I said that.

What is it with my kids and “always” and “never”?  As in, “You never let us have ice cream” or “You always make us clean”.  Neither, of course, is true.  Is it their “limited” vocabulary, that isn’t so limited any other time?  Or childrens’ sense of drama and extremes?  Anyone? 

Here is a short list of the few “always” and “never” scenarios in our house:

I NEVER play with them.  I NEVER let them take a bath.  I NEVER let them buy anything at the store.  I ALWAYS make them go to bed early.  I ALWAYS change the channel in the middle of a show.  I ALWAYS yell at them.  I NEVER make dinner they like.  I ALWAYS forget to snuggle at bedtime.  That one really made me laugh, ONE NIGHT out of six years did I “forget”, and I didn’t really forget.  They were up late and I sent them to bed and laid on the couch for a minute….next thing I knew it was 2am.  They were already asleep, of course, when I tucked everyone in and kissed their sweet little faces.

Anyway, if anyone can explain the “always” and “never” syndrome, I’d love to hear it.

I have a biiiig job ahead of me today.  I’m going to be upstairs all day if thats what it takes….my goal is to reduce the amount of STUFF by half.  Good luck to me, lol.  Clothes, toys, books, junk, nothing is safe lol.  I’m armed with boxes for give away, a new pkg of super sized trash bags, and rubbermaid bins.  I’ve been wanting to do this for a looooong time but the thought of possibly moving has gotten me motivated to actually do it.  The twins are at school and Macie is hanging out with daddy so I’m hoping I can get my game face on, get up there, and knock it out.

How do kids end up with so much stuff, anyway?  It just multiplies all by itself.  Anything that is actually put away goes….that means it hasn’t been played with since the last time they picked up their rooms a month ago LOL.

I read an interesting article about kids and their rooms, it suggested laying off and letting them be as messy and disorganized as they want until THEY decide it’s no way to live.  It sounded good, but I couldn’t do it after the third day.

The other night I let the dogs in for the night and much to my suprise and dismay, Harley was once again covered in blood from his nose to his toes.  I’d heard a small tussle and looked out, I was happy to see him and Bogie playing together and thought nothing of it.  Well, apparantly there was something between then and the time I let them in.

 I was trying to get him cleaned up to see where the wound(s) might be and wasn’t having much luck.  Here’s where my not so bright idea came in….I decided to take Harley into my shower so I could use the handheld sprayer on him.  Actually, it was a good idea, for that part anyway.  I was very happy to see that the only wound was Harley’s ear, which made me feel much better because he and Bogie had been getting along so great and I knew by the way they’d been playing that it was probably nothing ill intentioned on Bogie’s part.

Back to why this was a bad idea…we got out of the shower and you probably know what happened next:  Harley shook like the dog he is, and since his ear was still bleeding heavily (because they’re thin and the blood vessels are so close to the surface) me and EVERY single surface and/or thing in the bathroom got coated with blood spatter.  EW! 

Mind you, this was all sometime after 10pm and I couldn’t just leave it.  So I spent a few hours scrubbing everything with bleach.  I mean everything, from the toilet paper holder to the ceiling, the light fixtures to the candle on the back of the toilet.  And it just got better from there.  The longer I cleaned, the better my eyesight got, and it was on the walls through the house, on the tv, on the kitchen cabinet, on the clothes I’d just washed and folded, on the couch….you get the drift.

So yeah, not such a good idea.  I’ll remember that next time.  There is always an upside though, my entire house looks like it’s been freshly painted!

trying to find the good in any given situation.  Easier said than done, trust me, I know from experience.  But with all the changes in the air in our life over the last few years, I started feeling pretty discouraged and beat up by life.  And then I talked to someone who, unbeknownst to me, had been through some very similar circumstances and I was shocked to learn this.  She is one of those people with the picture perfect life, you can’t catch her on a bad day no matter how hard you try.  I commented to her on that, and she told me one day she just decided to challenge herself to find something, no matter how small, in every situation that she could count as “good”.

So, I’ve challenged myself to do the same.  Some days it’s a lot harder than others but on those days I always have my fallback:  My marriage is better than it was a year ago.  My children are happy and healthy.  We have a roof over our head and food in our bellies.  I don’t make light of some of the things that happen in life, where we’re tempted to say “Yeah great but this still sucks.”  I just know that no matter how bad my situation seems, it is still better than someone elses, and I’m determined to at least attempt to find the upside to the downside.