At this point I don’t have any clue what is going to happen next….we *thought* we’d made the decision to move but DH started having doubts.  Freaked me out at first but after a lot of talking, I’m glad we’re on the same page.  I was a little annoyed that I had bothered to come to grips with it and now it’s changed, but it’s nice that we’re on the same page once again and I’m very happy to see him being a little more practical and reasonable.

For some reason this time it’s really hard on all of us.  Normally I don’t mind him being gone much, of course I miss him, but things have always been this way for us although not to this extreme.  I actually enjoy myself when he’s gone in ways I don’t when he’s here….I read more, cook less lol.  But none of us are faring well this time, even DH cried at the airport.  Colt has  cried every night.  I think the kids had been pretty used to him being gone a lot but they’re at the age now where they really seem to notice the difference.  We had such a great time while he was here, spent a lot of quality time together as a family that there is a big void without him that wasn’t really there in the past.

I think DH and I were so emotional this time because we know what we’re in for, we’ve learned since January that it’s not realistic for him to come home every month, and the fact is we just won’t see each other for months at a time.  We’ve come such a long way in our relationship over the last year…I think in the past it was easy for me when he was gone because a part of me wanted him gone, as awful as that sounds.  I just wanted some relief from the constant butting heads and taking stress out on each other.  The difference now is that we’re actually in this whole big mess called life together and I hate it when he’s not here.  I know this isn’t forever, and I know we have to just suck it up and bear it right now, but it’s no fun eating brownies and flipping channels all by myself anymore.

Since I’m challenging myself to find the upside though, I will say this:  I know the distance has made a tremendous difference for us.  It’s not so easy to put each other off when you cherish a phone call.  DH has gotten great about sending very sweet and loving emails, I’ve started sending him cards and care packages.  We were really forced to remember what we love about each other and the things that make our relationship great.  I’m pretty sure it’s permanent, many of my minor complaints have vanished and we both have a much deeper appreciation of each other.  If nothing else, the changes in our relationship are precious to me, I feel so loved and looked out for, and like I really have a partner.  I’m reassured that he accepts me for better or worse, and for the first time in years I feel like I can tell him anything and everything.  I don’t think we would be in this place if we hadn’t been forced to learn not to take each other for granted.

In spite of my favorites, I try very hard not to let on.  I don’t NOT do any of these things with the other kids.  I don’t NOT enjoy it with the other kids, either, but there is just something that clicks more with one than another, if that makes sense.

 Anyway, tonight Macie was in our room watching cartoons.  I asked why, she said Daddy told her she could.  I said “Really?  How come?”.  She said “Because, I’m your favorite kid!”  I had to laugh, of course, but instead of correcting her, I told her she was right.  It dawned on me that it might feel pretty great to each of them to at least *think* they’re the favorite.

Just in case word got out about Macie being the favorite, I had to cover my bases.  I went and found Kylie and asked if she would give me a makeover.  She was happy to oblige, of course.  While she did I told her she is my favorite six year old girl.  My favorite make up artist, and my favorite shopping pal.  I told her that I don’t just love her; I really, really like her too.  I named as many of the things I could think of that make her unique, and make me proud. 

That left Colt, who was fast asleep already.  I figured what the heck, we’re on summer break, it’s worth waking him up.  I did, and when he asked why, I told him I wanted him to know he’s my favorite son.  That I love the little man he is, and I am so excited to see the man he becomes.  I told him how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness, his tenderness towards me and the girls, and the sweetness deep inside that allows him to rough it up with his friends and say goodbye to them with a hug and an “I love you, buddy.”

I realized tonight that it’s ok to have a “favorite” kid.  I think it means a lot to them to know that although there are three of them and one of me, they each have their very own special place in my heart and are in some way, my favorite kid.

 I don’t say any of that in a judgemental way, in fact, those are all things I’ve actually come to appreciate and maybe even admire a teeny tiny bit in my husband.  But I would give my left arm for a bit of moderation.

I know he has good intentions, and as much as I complain, I usually benefit from his head-in-the-clouds ideas because fairly often, they work.  BUT….they also mean lots of roller coasters and frankly the ups and downs are making me nauseus.  Some days I wish he was content enough with something, anything, to level off a bit.  To coast for awhile.  To sit down and enjoy instead of being up and running to the next thing.

I know I’d be a little bored if he wasn’t who he is, but some days, a little boredom sounds pretty good.  I don’t want him to change, not much anyway.  I just want him to temper it, take it down a notch or two, be….normal.  Paint the deck and change the oil instead of dreaming and finding ways to turn my life upside down.

Like I said, I know he has good intentions, it’s all leading towards things he wants to be able to do for us and with us down the road.  But I’d like to enjoy right now, and know that right now might last at least as long as it takes me to tie my shoes and get on the trail….lately I feel like as soon as I’m up to speed and on board with something, it’s long gone and we’ve got a whole new can of worms, freshly opened.

Maybe I’m the problem, I’m slow to adapt and practical and analytical.  It takes me a while to sort through all the “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts”.  Maybe I need to trust him more and fly by the seat of my pants.  But what “if” the seat of my pants gets worn out?  Will I go flying through the air on my way to a magnificent crash landing?  Doesn’t one of us need to think of these things?

The moon is gorgeous tonight, a very round and almost full and cream colored wafer in the sky.  It’s got the house illuminated in that creepy glow that somehow points out all the stuff sitting around that shouldn’t be out…so at least I have my to do list for tomorrow done.  Does that count as an upside?

SO much change is in the air and I’m not handling it well.  Not just with us but FIL moving too….I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I guess I just hate the thought of all of us being so spread out.

So, I’m off to the library to get the book and figure out how to get my cheese back.

I HAVE TO GET BUSY.  Ahem, WE have to get busy.  DH hasn’t hit the list with the ferocity I’d hoped for.  Ahem. 

I called the school I want the kids to attend if we move, they have spots open for all three.  Yes, I said all three.  Macie will be starting K4.  What in the world will I do with myself?  I actually have lots of plans I’ve been putting off until she was in school but I will sure miss my little sidekick.  I feel a little guilty sometimes because I didn’t cherish this same time with the twins before they started school, but at least I got it right with one of them.

So anyway, lots of decisions to be made but many of them hinge on other things.  Hopefully by the end of next week I’ll know if we’re going for the summer or for good.

I’ve seen a lot of God at work in this situation.  I had told him that I can’t make this decision on my own, I needed to know where He wants me and in order to be sure of it I asked Him to start lining things up for us to go if GA is where He wants us.  And it’s happening.  Much of it is on the personal side and not something I want to discuss with many people, but suffice it to say that God is changing a situation that seemed unchangeable.  I’m so grateful, not only to know that He hears and cares, but because of the things I’m seeing that I KNOW can only be Him at work, I’m able to be excited about it.  I can’t believe I just said that, but I am.  I genuinely hope we’re able to move and want it to happen ASAP.  But don’t tell my mom I said that.

Here is a short list of the few “always” and “never” scenarios in our house:

I NEVER play with them.  I NEVER let them take a bath.  I NEVER let them buy anything at the store.  I ALWAYS make them go to bed early.  I ALWAYS change the channel in the middle of a show.  I ALWAYS yell at them.  I NEVER make dinner they like.  I ALWAYS forget to snuggle at bedtime.  That one really made me laugh, ONE NIGHT out of six years did I “forget”, and I didn’t really forget.  They were up late and I sent them to bed and laid on the couch for a minute….next thing I knew it was 2am.  They were already asleep, of course, when I tucked everyone in and kissed their sweet little faces.

Anyway, if anyone can explain the “always” and “never” syndrome, I’d love to hear it.

FIL invited DH to play in a Father/Son golf tournament today in Taos.   This was something they both really needed to do….DH needed to know that FIL understands his passion for golf and realizes how good he really is, and with FIL moving and us possibly moving, who knows when they’d have a chance to do something like this again.  More importantly, with some of the chaos and turmoil of the last year behind us now, those two desperately needed to be “father” and “son” and enjoy some time together without business talk.

The kids needed it too.  We went with DH and had an all day picnic with MIL at the park.  They’ve been needing some run around and be as wild as you want time, and two of their cousins were also there.  Again, with MIL and FIL moving we have to take advantage of these times. 

I needed it too.  I hated living in Taos.  I mean really, really despised it.  And I’ve been sad about that ever since I left.  As a kid, my parents and I went skiing there every year and those trips are some of my favorite memories.  But living in a place you love to visit doesn’t always work out the way you intend, sort of that “too much of a good thing” thing.  Today I got to experience Taos the way I always loved to, as a visitor.  I loved the energy on the Plaza, relished every drop of my Amaretto Latte from World Cup Coffee, a very funky and hip coffee place, and I saw the breathtaking scenery with all the mountains, aspens, and river the way they should be seen; wonder and awe at God’s magnificence and appreciation for the fact that not everyone gets to soak in this piece of Heaven on Earth.

At the end of the day, I’m pooped.  We left at 7am for a three hour drive, played in the park all day, picked DH up and drove another three hours home.  But it was so worth it, and I think we’ll all remember today for our own reasons.

How do kids end up with so much stuff, anyway?  It just multiplies all by itself.  Anything that is actually put away goes….that means it hasn’t been played with since the last time they picked up their rooms a month ago LOL.

I read an interesting article about kids and their rooms, it suggested laying off and letting them be as messy and disorganized as they want until THEY decide it’s no way to live.  It sounded good, but I couldn’t do it after the third day.

So, to those of you with baby books that actually have filled in blanks, my hat is off to you.  Can I copy yours?