WhimsyME

Today my moods have been all over the place.  It’s not good for this to happen while Scotty is home.  Normally when this happens I deal with it myself during the day and by the time he gets home I’ve got the kids in bed and had time to unwind for a few mins.  Or I just go to bed.  But when he’s home he wants to know what’s wrong (every 5 mins).  He wants me to participate in cleaning or gardening.  And I have no energy.  All I want to do is sit on the couch and veg.  But I don’t.  Instead I try to help him clean.  But I’m not in the mood for it and when I’m not in the mood for it ugly things happen.

Right now he is outside mowing the yard and I’m so glad.  Normally I want him home but today I just want some space.   And everytime I want space he irritates me until I snap at him.  When he is quiet, when he needs space, I don’t do this to him. 

 I’m trying to be nice.  I’m trying to fight this, but it’s so hard.  I know if I succumb to these horrible moods that it won’t be constructive.  Right now I just don’t know what I need in order to feel more like myself, more normal.  Maybe some time by myself at a mall.  I haven’t been alone in 2 weeks.  Maybe if Ethan’s game is rained out tonight I will go to the gym and relax in the hot tub for awhile.  I just feel gross.  I feel bloated and ugly.  My face is broken out, my stomach is crampy, my back hurts, my head hurts…I couldn’t feel less like a woman right now.

I’ve shaved my legs, but honestly the mere thought of getting dressed in anything cute or fixing my hair and makeup does not appeal to me.  It might make me feel better.  Or it might make me feel worse if I can’t find anything that fits right or if my hair won’t do what it’s supposed to.

I just want to curl up on the sofa, in my jammies (that I’ve been wearing all day) with a bucket of ice cream and my favorite movie.  I don’t want to leave.  I don’t want any company.  I just want to be left alone.  Is this wrong of me?  I think it is.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  What do you do to make yourself feel better? 

I’m going to go finish cleaning.  Maybe the end result will make me feel better.  It usually does…if I can persevere.  Right now Scotty is outside with the kids and I’m alone.  It feels so nice.