WhimsyME

*Scotty got a new job.  He starts on Weds.  He took me today to show me where it is.  Nice. Very nice. 

*This is the last week of school.  Nuff said.

*Today it was close to 100 degrees.  I love it.

*We got a new roof and I’m embarrassed to admit that it got me excited.  A roof.  Our neighbors were excited, too.  They even called to tell us how excited they were.  They are in their 80’s.  They are allowed to be excited over things like new roofs.

*Our master bath is almost finished. I’m excited about that, too. For obvious reasons.

*Today Scotty took me to eat at my favorite restaurant and I had to go to the restroom.  When I opened the restroom door there was a cop standing at the sink.  I closed the door (like he was going to disappear.) I looked at the door to make sure it was the women’s restroom (it was.)  I opened the door (he was still there.) And I told him he was in the wrong place.  He was embarassed.  In his defense the bathroom door said “Maggies.”  He said all he saw was the “M”.  Scotty says I was too nice b/c most people would have taken that wrong.  If he wasn’t a cop I would have been more uncomfortable with the situation, but his face turned 3 shades of red and I knew it was an honest mistake. 

*I did not start my diet today. (see above comment about my husband taking me to my favorite restaurant.) And it was mexican food!!

*I don’t think I will survive being a vegetarian, but I’m going to try it for 30 days.

*My son made his teacher cry today.  She was upset b/c she couldn’t make him happy.  This makes me sad on so many levels.

*I feel pregnant and I haven’t started my period.  I’ll probably start tomorrow and feel really stupid for posting this.

*A really big part of me wishes I were pregnant.

*A bigger part of me is crazy for wishing this.

*Our Coach outlet opened on Saturday.  No wonder my husband won’t let me drive my car.  He keeps saying gas is too expensive, but I found the 20% off coupon Coach sent me in the mail that he was trying to hide from me.  Sneaky guy!

Have you ever lost anything precious to you?  Maybe it was your wedding ring.  I’ve done that.  It was my first ring.  The one Scotty had made for me.  The one he put on my ring the day we said our vows in front of all our family and friends.  I still get teary eyed when I think of that missing ring.  But, it’s just a ring.  It’s replaceable. Still, I remember when I went to put it on and first realized it wasn’t where I left it.  My heart started beating really fast, my knees got weak, I frantically searched the house looking in every nook and cranny.  Then the tears came.  The realization that my ring was gone hit me!  I would never have it again.

Well today I lost something more precious than diamonds. Something irreplaceable.  I lost my daughter.  Scotty was working in the bathroom with his cousin and I was in Ethan’s bedroom with him.  Scotty got ready to leave for a minute and started looking for Maddie.  He came to me to ask where she was.  I didn’t know. How do you not know where your child is?  We looked all around the house.  We have dozens of people around our house right now b/c we are getting a new roof.  This thought scared me even more.  I don’t know these people.  But, Maddie was no where to be found.  Scotty is frantic, running the streets.  I’m running up and down the alley way (in my pajamas.)  And I notice Ethan’s scooter at our neighbor’s back door and her gate was open.  I knocked on her back door and Scotty was standing at her front door.  There sat Maddie on their sofa.  I grabbed her up and told her to go to her room until I calmed down enough to talk to her.

And when I finally went in there to talk to her I asked her how she felt when she lost something precious to her.  I cried.  Have you ever cried while disciplining your child?  I did today.  I told her that she is my most precious possession and if I lost her, if someone took her from me I would never forgive myself.  She said she told her daddy where she was going.  But, she didn’t ask permission.  She didn’t make sure we heard her.  I think we are clear on this now.  We were both busy and she took advantage of that to do what she wanted to do.  This has never happened before.  I’ve never lost one of my children.  It’s an awful feeling.  Ethan was in there when I was talking to her.  I hope he learned something from it, too.

I took the opportunity to tell her about another little Madeleine that would never see her parents again b/c someone took her from them.  I told her that there are mean people in this world and we can’t trust everyone.  I explained that her daddy and I were scared b/c we have strangers working on our house and they may or may not be good people.  She was crying.  She understood how scared I was.  And she has been pretty clingy all day.

It’s been an eye opening experience.  A reminder of how fast it can happen.  The what ifs haunt me.  And I realize that I’m pretty darn lucky.  Even if she was gone for only a few minutes, a lot can happen in a few minutes.  It’s a lesson to me to never assume that Scotty has an eye on them or knows where they are.  I still need to be sure I know where both of them are at all times.

I’m going back to the gym on Monday.  I’m also starting a vegetarian diet to see if my health improves.  That’s all I have to say about that.

Oh and you might want to wish my family luck these next couple of weeks.  I’m just sayin’.

Today my moods have been all over the place.  It’s not good for this to happen while Scotty is home.  Normally when this happens I deal with it myself during the day and by the time he gets home I’ve got the kids in bed and had time to unwind for a few mins.  Or I just go to bed.  But when he’s home he wants to know what’s wrong (every 5 mins).  He wants me to participate in cleaning or gardening.  And I have no energy.  All I want to do is sit on the couch and veg.  But I don’t.  Instead I try to help him clean.  But I’m not in the mood for it and when I’m not in the mood for it ugly things happen.

Right now he is outside mowing the yard and I’m so glad.  Normally I want him home but today I just want some space.   And everytime I want space he irritates me until I snap at him.  When he is quiet, when he needs space, I don’t do this to him. 

 I’m trying to be nice.  I’m trying to fight this, but it’s so hard.  I know if I succumb to these horrible moods that it won’t be constructive.  Right now I just don’t know what I need in order to feel more like myself, more normal.  Maybe some time by myself at a mall.  I haven’t been alone in 2 weeks.  Maybe if Ethan’s game is rained out tonight I will go to the gym and relax in the hot tub for awhile.  I just feel gross.  I feel bloated and ugly.  My face is broken out, my stomach is crampy, my back hurts, my head hurts…I couldn’t feel less like a woman right now.

I’ve shaved my legs, but honestly the mere thought of getting dressed in anything cute or fixing my hair and makeup does not appeal to me.  It might make me feel better.  Or it might make me feel worse if I can’t find anything that fits right or if my hair won’t do what it’s supposed to.

I just want to curl up on the sofa, in my jammies (that I’ve been wearing all day) with a bucket of ice cream and my favorite movie.  I don’t want to leave.  I don’t want any company.  I just want to be left alone.  Is this wrong of me?  I think it is.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  What do you do to make yourself feel better? 

I’m going to go finish cleaning.  Maybe the end result will make me feel better.  It usually does…if I can persevere.  Right now Scotty is outside with the kids and I’m alone.  It feels so nice.

I’m 31 years old.  I’ve been married 10.5 years.  There are things that I’m simply not good at.  I could name a hundred things I excel in. Okay, maybe not a hundred. Probably just a handful if I were to be completely honest.  But, I try to be the best in everything I do.  There are things I simply lurve to do.  There are things that give me such total satisfaction when I complete them.  Cleaning is not one of these things, m’kay.  I hate hate hate to clean.  Hate it.  Did I say hate?  Hate.  I love to cook.  I’m a great cook.  I love to be creative and do fun things like paint.  I’ll paint the walls in my house, even.  It relaxes me.  But tell me to clean my house and it sends me into a rage.  I kid you not.  It’s ugly.  Like green eyed, three headed monster ugly.  I’ve tried to pretend I enjoy it.  I’ve tried, thru the years to be the good wife and keep my home clean for my neat freak husband. Oh boy he is such a neat freak!!  I’ve done everything short of hypnosis to get myself to enjoy cleaning.  Unfortunately my committment issues keep me from sticking with a plan.  I failed miserably.  I’m not a good housekeeper.  There.  I’ve said it.

Last night while catching up on one of my shows my dear dear husband was slaving away in the kitchen, organizing the pantry and mopping floors.  He’s one of those people who are constantly cleaning.  When we go to dinner at someone’s house he’s the one doing the dishes after dinner while I socialize.  It just doesn’t occur to me.  I’m one of those people.  I will cook dinner for people all night long…I just don’t want to clean up after them.  I guess that’s fair.  I know people who had rather clean than cook.  Not only do my housekeeping skills leave a lot to be desired, my organizational skills and time management skills are worse.  Perhaps this has a lot to do with not having a job for 7.5 years?  I’m not a therapist, I’m not about to diagnose my own mental problems, but I do wonder if this is something that can be improved upon?

So, Scotty is in the kitchen cleaning up the mess and organizing the pantry (all labels facing forward.) When he finally comes into the study to sit down I look at him (in all seriousness, I might add) and say “Well, after 10 years of marriage I have to tell you something.”  He kind of gets the deer in the headlight look and cautiously asks me what is on my mind.   I continue, “I’m not and will never be a good housekeeper.  It’s not in me, I hate it and no matter how hard I try, I will never be good at it.  I hope you don’t expect too much b/c it just ain’t gonna happen.”  He burst into laughter.  What was I to expect, really?  The man knows me better than I know myself.  He just replied with “Am I supposed to be surprised?”

It’s one of those things that no matter how hard I try, I will never live up to  his standards of cleanliness.  I’m actually jealous of the people who can manage to keep their house clean and they can do it without their head spinning and green stuff spewing from their mouth.  But, I’ve accepted that I’m not one of those people.  I admit it and I accept it.  It’s so freeing.  It’s not an excuse to not clean.  I will still clean my house.  I don’t have to enjoy it, though.  And I don’t have to be so hard on myself from now on.  Letting my husband know that I’m aware of this and saying it out loud was so therapeutic!

I’m getting to be such a big girl!!

Scotty is gone right now.  He’s taking a psych eval for a prospective employer.  It’s all part of the hiring process.  Is it wrong of me to wish he were a little crazy so they won’t hire him and he will be forced to find something else?  Oh, yeah.   I guess it would be.  I just really hate the car business.  I hate how it keeps him away from his family.  I hate the way they beat him up and make him feel like he isn’t good enough.  I hate how through the years it has turned him into something he swore he’d never be.  I hate that he is so worn out and burnt out that he has no dreams anymore.  He seems so sad.  He has no idea what he wants.  I’ve been praying that God will show  him the desires of his heart.  That doors will open and there will be infinite possibilities.  Each time we have a job change, I pray for something better to come along.  But it’s always the same.  The long hours, bad benefits, not enough compensation for the time devoted….  It’s old. Really old.  I deal with it, though.  I have no choice.  I would love for him to be home at 5:30 every night.  I need him here.  The only day we have together as a family is Sunday and Sunday goes by so fast.  There’s never enough time in a day to get all the things done that need to be done.  There’s church and working in the yard.  By the time we do all that, the day is gone and the kids haven’t seen their dad and the rest of the chores go untouched, once again.

I pray for him.  I pray for a miracle that will bring him back to us.  I pray that somewhere out there that God will speak to someone’s heart.  It’s happened before.  He knows exactly what we need.  He knows we trust in Him to supply all our needs.  And I have faith that it will happen.