"Family Bed" taken too far? - How old is too old?

AmeliasDad wrote: I have signed up just to post this question to everyone in the club. Came across the site while doing a search on the Family Bed topic.

Background info: My daughters' mother has been a firm believer in bed sharing since day 1. While we were together, she chose sleeping with our daughter over sleeping with me (opens up a whole 'nother area of discussion, but we won't go there now).
She has a second child, via a different relationship, and all three of them have been sleeping in one bed since her divorce.
My daughter is now 11, and her sister is now 6.
They live in a two bedroom apartment, so the room is there for the girls to use as their own.

My question is at what age are children considered to be too old for the "Family Bed"?

I know what family and friends say...I was just curious to see what strangers had to offer.

Thanks.

SOUTHERN MOMMY replied: I think when they are ready they will let mom know To me that is a personal family desision. ANd most likley soon the girls will let mom know.

Tiffany

CAMSMOM1 replied: Personally I'm a firm believer not to ever start sharing a bed with our children. For many reasons. 1.) they need to be secure in sleeping in their own bed and room. 2.) Once you start, it's hard to ever get them out. 3) As a couple, you need privacy and a sacred place for just the two of you. 4.) being intimate with your partner with the children in the same bed 5.) having them sleep in their own bed develops independence

But since your wife, or exwife...wasnt' quite sure, is already doing this...and she doesn't sound like she wants to stop or see's it as a problem.

I understand that a mother wants to be close to their children, but I think there are many other ways of doing that besides sharing a bed.

I would talk to her. The girls are at the age they need to have their own bed, and their own space. Personally, I think they are to old to continue this. And it sounds like your wife doesn't want it to end. Either her, or your children are going to have to say no, and it will be a hard transition at first to get them asleep in their own beds. But the longer it goes on, the harder it will be.

Of course, this is just MY opionion. Let us know how it turns out.

And I wanted to welcome you to the board. Hopefully you'll stick around and we can get to know you better. This is a great place to find support. And we welcome a male perspective. So hope to see you around the boards!

Ann

CantWait replied: Well let me be the first to say, I don't think 11, especially for a girl is to old. I do think however, that deciding to sleep with your children instead of your husband poses a very BIG problem, and says a lot about a relationship, as you have seen already.

I have a 10 year old, and a 2 year old, both boys. I started sleeping with my first child when he was just over 2 because at the time we were sharing a room at my grandmothers place while I finished school. He still sleeps with me while my husband is away (he's in the military and obviously gone for long periods of time) occasionally, like when he's having a rough day or night, when he's had a nightmare, or sometimes just cause he's in a sucky mood and misses dad.

My now 2 year old has been sleeping with me since day 1, however not as much when my dh was home.

For me, I enjoy it, because sometimes I feel quilty about having to work full time, and not having enough time to spend with the kids. It gives me a sense of closeness, even if it is while they are sleeping. I do try and do other things with both the kids (puzzels and books with the youngest, game night on Friday with my oldest, and movies on the weekends) however co-sleeping is just something a little extra.

Your ex-wife may feel a bit of quilt for not being there for the children all the time, or for her poor choices in past relationships (not saying you're the poor choice), something. Chances are maybe the girls need to feel that security of their mother also. I'd say the 11 year old is ready to leave the family bed soon, and wouldn't worry to much about it.

Do you see your daughter on a regular basis? Does she seem affected by this? Does she sleep in her own bed fine when she's with you? If so, then there's nothing to worry about.

I hope this helps and answers your question to a degree.

Marie

ammommy replied:

Momof3inMe replied: I have kinda the same problem, but its with my husband he gets up with Emily who is 2 when she gets up in the middle of the night and most of the time he brings her back to bed with us. I don't like it at all. Some times when she comes to bed with us she wants a snack and a drink and all that stuff I will not get up to give her anything. I feel that if we just let her fuss it out some she would get over it. My husband on the other had doesnt want to listen to her cry at night. The other thing is that she doesn't do it every night. Anyone with some helpful thoughts would be great!

DansMom replied:


The girls are certainly old enough to sleep in their own beds, but I don't think they are being damaged by being in a family bed at ages 6 and 11. I'm an advocate of cosleeping in the early years, but have already transitioned Daniel at age 3 to start out in his own bed. He comes in with us when he wakes up in the morning. It was important to my DH to have a bed that was just ours, and so I made the compromise gently, in my own time, which he honored in turn, and it has worked out very well for all.

3_call_me_mama replied: I feel that it is an indiviaual decision tha tis made by each family. Personally I do not feel that your daughter or the other daughter is being harmed in any way by sharing a bed with her mother. If your daughter has expressed interest in sleeping on her own and it has been discouraged then that may be an issue. But for me , knowing that my chidlrne are right next to me helps me sleep 100 times better at night than when they are not within arms reach. We coslept/sleep with our son since birth. cameorn turned 3 in Nov and mos tnights he co sleeps half the night. He goes to bed in his bed and about 1-3 am he comes in brings his pillow and blanket and gets in our bed. I will not make him go back to his room. and enither will dh, sometimes DH will go sleep in his room instead but that is because he chooses to, not because i've asked him to. And its not a problem in our house or our marriage that he sometimes sleeps in the kids room whiel they sleep in ours. We get along great (most times but everyoen has teh occasional spat) and we have two childrne so obviously intimacy isn't a issue. ON THE OTHER hand, our daughter who is 15 months old does not co sleep. Her choice, not ours. She has LOVED her crib fomr the first tiem we put her in it. In the hospital and as sa few days old she coslept (so 4 in a queen bed!) but she quickly discoverd that it was far more fun to be awake and play in bed than to sleep so we out her in teh cradle and she slept great. same thing when we put her in her own room around 5 months (i think it was). lately though she has been waking up and we bring her into bed with us and she goes right back to sleep . But that's only been the last week or so and it isn't every night. SO basically i'm saying that each child is unique and what works for one may not work for another. same goes for families, especailly with a single mom (i'm not speaking for my own experience here but a dear friend's). When you're the only parent and you feel guilt then you tend to do things that you may not have allowed if there were another full time parent to support you. Also the lonliness of sleeping alone is gone is your children are sleeping near. (NOT saying that all single moms feel this way, this is just my friends experience)

Elza replied: Well we have somewhat of an opposite situation. My husband sleeps with our 5 yr old daughter and I sleep in a seperate room with our two little boys in the same room (I cannot stand how much they move at night). I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK !!!!! grrrrr I finally convinced my daughter to get her own room last night and I told her she was to big to be sleeping with her dad but she cried and said she wouldn't sleep then. I finally caved in and she got her way. She did promise to sleep in her own bed once we decorated. I convinced my daughter by telling her we would redecorate her room and she would make all the decisions on how to decorate it. I loved every moment of co sleeping (shared beds since they were out of bassinet) but now it is time for them to sleep in their own beds. I also think my husband is getting tired of the purple painted walls of her room.
I think the mother of your children will be very close to her daughters throughout their life and eventually they will actually want their own room especially around age 12 and 13. At least at this point she knows they are not sneaking out to the living room to watch television all night. This is my opinion so take it or leave it.

MamaJAM replied: Personally - I don't believe in the family bed at all. When our kids were infants - they slept in the same room as us.....but in a basinette - NEVER in our bed. And, as soon as they were sleeping mostly through the night - we kicked them out (into their own cribs). I think privacy is important on all sides....for the parents AND for the kids.
I would think an 11 year old really should have some privacy. If your DD isn't complaining about it - it might be because she's afraid to hurt her mother's feelings. You might want to talk to your ex about it and suggest it's time your DD be allowed to move into the other bedroom. If possible, offer to buy her a nice bed of her own...or even bunk beds for both of the girls.

coasterqueen replied: I do not see anything wrong with kids of those ages in the family bed. If they need that type of comfort then why deny them? They will on their own terms sleep in their own bed. Now it would be a problem if she's denying them the opportunity to, though.

We have encouraged our 3 year old numerous times to sleep in her own room and she does when she wants to. If she wakes up and is scared or doesn't want to sleep in her room at all then she sleeps with us. With a 9 month old as well, more times than not my husband will go sleep with her in her bed when she asks someone to and I sleep with our other DD. This happens purely because I'm still nursing our 9 month old or we'd take turns of who is sleeping with who.

It's not a problem in our marriage because we make time for each other at other times. Usually when our head hits the pillow it's to sleep. Not sleeping right by my husband is not harming our marriage at all.

I think often times we expect too much out of our children and expect them to grow up too fast. They will do everything in their own time if we just give them the chance.

mom21kid2dogs replied: We co~sleep and have since my daughter had significant sleep issues around age 14 months. In our house, though, everyone including the dog, generally share our bed, so we do sleep together. One thing we don't do is compromise our marital relationship to cosleep nor should anyone else, IMO. Kids already come in between us and fun plenty enough. Someday this child will have wings of her own to fly and he & I will be back to just that~he & I so I see it as our responsibility to have a he & I. I think you might want to not focus on the cosleeping with your wife so much as why she might be using this to avoid a healthy marital relationship with you. Have you explored with her (or even told her) what you are missing out on by not sleeping together?

I think the "whole'nother issue" IS the only issue in this case, not the sleep part.

3_call_me_mama replied:
I was waiting to see your reply to this.

Well said!

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well let me say I understand this from lots of different angles. As a single mother.. My kids slept with me. We needed the security of each other. I assume that you have gone thru a separation and that affects everyone. I am sure it is as much for your wife as the girls. I think it is normal. Who wants to sleep alone.. not me.

I co sleep with all my children except my middle son..who refused too. It seemed that my children made a change toward being in there own space about the time for school. Some pushed for it..some I pushed for it.

To this day.. when my husband has to work weekends.. I think they hear Daddy shut the door and I may have between 1-4 kids in my bed.. you never know. I don't mind it .. I love waking up on a Sunday Morning and having all my kids in bed with me. Now my kids being 15 12 11 and 7 they are have their privacy and own bed and rooms..but they like to snuggle. Especially if they are sick! Britt is 15 and will still get in the middle of she is sick!

Tiffany who is my 11 year old step daughter was telling me one of her funniest and fav memories was when she was about 7..she was a kid who would sneak into bed with you with no warning..but not in the middle she would go to the foot of the bed..and never say anything. So, one morning I didn't realize she was there..and I couldn't get my covers..and I kicked her right in the head. Today she thinks its funny..and from that day on..she would say Momma Mel scoot over! Alot of times they don't want in the middle..they want by me..and lord knows I HATE THE MIDDLE.!

I think people have to make a choice for there family. For me .. I sometimes miss my kids sleeping with me.. I will ask them durning the week on occasion when my Dh is on nights.. Okay who wants to sleep with Mom...no they don't NEED too..it's all about ME...but we do enjoy the time snuggling..and when dad comes in ...he says move over..or get in your own bed..and it's no biggie..just a little time to be by my kids for a while longer..cause the minutes and seconds are ticking away..then they suddenly wont need me... I will need them. Lets hope when I am 80 and in a hospital bed..they still want to climb in and snuggle with there Momma!

Debra replied: I'll just ditto what all of the co-sleepers said! I agree completely!

jcc64 replied:

Well said, Karen!
As the mother of a teen-ager, believe me when I say there will soon come a time when the kids will want nothing to do with you and your bed.

My2Beauties replied: Well we only have a double bed and Brian is a big guy, so I have issues with it for us, I think if it works for others that is fine. But when hanna sleeps with us, I get kicked out of the bed or Brian does and one of us ends up on the couch. We are too crowded. As infants, I feel it's unsafe, there are all kinds of studies regarding SIDS and co-sleeping. No one be mad please, but I firmly believe that is a no-no!!! My friend's child died from SIDS this exact way. Now a 6 and 11 year old, it's not harming them, but my PERSONAL opinion, it wouldn't go on in my house. I think your bed is your space and the a place for you and your SO to relax and unwind without kiddos. I admit Hanna has been in our bed in the middle of the night when she is sick or something, but that is it. My DH's younger brother who is 9 still sleeps with his parents and they can't get him to sleep in his own bed for nothing, the reason why he says he is scared to sleep by himself now, it's made him completely and totally dependent on them to fall asleep, I don't think that is good. If they don't have issues falling asleep in their OWN beds from time to time then I think they're fine. But him saying he is scared to go to bed on his own, bothers me! I hope I haven't offended anyone.

C&K*s Mommie replied:

to Karen & Jeanne!

I see nothing wrong with your daughter being 11, and still co-sleeping. She is old enough to make that decision on her own, by now. By 11, I would discourage it. But if she makes her own mind up to continue to do it, I say why not?? She will be a teenager soon, and from my memory everything changes then. You no longer want to even be associated with your parents, let alone sleep in the same bed!! She may end up being different, from myself or other kids I knew as teenagers, but she will make that decision in her own time.

3_call_me_mama replied: I don't really buy the whole SIDS bit. Just a few years ago we were SUPPOSED to put our kids on their BELLIES to sleep. Both of mine were and still are belly sleepers not cause I put them that way but because they roll over. Also studies say that second hand smoke is bad for your kids and can also lead to SIDS but millions of people allow their kids around it every day.
Not taking offense or pointing finers just stating how "studies" change every day!
Sorry off topic.. i'll shut up now

coasterqueen replied:
I do not want to start a debate, but I feel inclined to respond to this phrase only for the benefits of those new mothers/fathers starting out and deciding whether to co-sleep or not. The quote above is a misrepresentation IMO because most cases of SIDS happen in the crib, not co-sleeping with a parent AND most studies out there of infant deaths in the family bed is NOT because of SIDS but because a drunk or druggie parent rolled over on their child. Sure there are probably more reported SIDS deaths because the majority of infants sleep in cribs, but IMO you can't use the argument not to co-sleep because of SIDS. If so then I would have to use the argument that my baby will not sleep in a crib because of SIDS.

Co-sleeping is VERY safe if you follow safe sleep habits.

For the OP here is a link you might find helpful regarding the family bed: The Family Bed . For those deciding whether co-sleeping is safe or want to know what the safe practices are the above link will be of interest to you as well.

edited for spelling.

coasterqueen replied:
This is off topic but I did want to respond. I'm good for that as many know. You are correct, studies change every day. That's why the good old saying "well my parents did it, my grandparents did it and they are all fine" is WORTHLESS IMO. We all think our children in child safety seats is the right thing to do right? Well most of us probably weren't even in seat belts as kids and we're here.

Also just to add that even though there are 'studies' the majority of experts will truthfully tell you they have NO idea what actually causes SIDS.

edited because my smilies didn't work.

PhiMuMommy replied: personally i feel that when they start school its it time for their own bed. but that is just my opinion

3_call_me_mama replied:
Not sure if it made sense what i was saying...

But basically what i meant is exactally what you said karen (funny how it makes SO much more sense when someone else says it). Just couldn't quite get the wording out right... and it's true about the number of SIDS cases in Fmaily bed actually being from drunken or drugged up parents rolling over. (I actually had to do a study on it in college.


But don't worry this 11 year old shouldn't get SIDS form sleeping with her mom

gr33n3y3z replied: I never left my kids sleep with me or us
I need my space and our bed wasnt their space.

But i would never tell anyone who does co sleep its wrong bc its not.

Jamison'smama replied: We're co-sleepers however--is the person who posted this even reading it? No responses from him. I always find that strange. Ask a question on a controversial topic and leave.

gr33n3y3z replied:

lol

CantWait replied:

3_call_me_mama replied:
AHH true true!!

AmeliasDad replied: I would like to thank everyone who replied to my question. I posted it late and have been busy, so I just got the chance to read through what was said.
My daughters' mom (we were never married) and I had a "heated" discussion about this just that morning (first time I have been thrown out of someones house!)
My viewpoint was that, with the fact that puberty was starting with our daughter and other issues happening at school, the family bed thing had probably been carried on too long, as it seemed to be a part of a larger problem of "non-social" behavior Amelia, my daughter-a self proclaimed bookworm with nop friends at school.

After a much calmer discussion with her mom the next day, and a short talk with Mel (is talking with all 11 year old girls like pulling teeth?) the compromise reached was that a second bed would be put into the bedroom they share for Amelia to use, and when she wants, she'll be able to sleep with her mom and sister. Amelia told me that was good because the queen size bed all three were using was getting crowded!

It's a start I can live with.

When Amelia is at my place, she has her own bedroom that she sleeps in with no problem. She like it because she can get the dog in there with her!

I moved from the Midwest to be closer to her 2 years ago because I realized that this is where I was needed, that there was a little girl that wanted her Daddy close to her.
This is all a bit scary and unnerving to me because it's all so new and it all changes so fast.
I probably over-reacted to this, but it's better than not giving a darn like too many fathers out there.
Again, thank you for all the responses, and I think I'll keep tabs on this site in the future.

AmeliasDad replied: And, please excuse my ignorance, but what does DH stand for?

CAMSMOM1 replied:

I give you a lot of credit for moving closer to your children. Most father do leave, so I applaud you for taking the responsiblity and caring for your daughters.
I think you did the right thing by talking to your daughter, and your ex. It seems like you reached a happy medium, and things are working out for you.

I hope to see you around the boards. This is a great place to find support. And I hope things go well for you and your family.

Ann

CAMSMOM1 replied:

DH Stands for= Dear Husband. DW= Dear Wife

DD = dear daughter, DS= Dear Son

SO= Signifiacnt Other

KWIM= Know what I mean

ITA= I totally agree


We have a little "language" going on here. For more meanings go to the Appreviations on the top of your screen.



Ann

Brycesmom replied:
Im with Ann

fashionmumofboys replied: I think it is a personal family decision as well.

Personally, we were never co-sleepers over here. The girls I'm sure will let their mother know when the time comes.

Good luck.

jcc64 replied: You sound like a very loving dad, and I think it was a discussion worth having. I applaud your decision to move closer to your kids, and to be involved and interested in their social and emotional development. Sounds like you've arrived at a solution you can all live with.
And yes, having conversations with 11 yr olds (and beyond), is very much like pulling teeth.

jcc64 replied:

Was just scrolling through the whole post, and had to respond to this. I get what you're saying, believe me. My boys, who are now 10 and 13, were also belly sleepers, b/c that's what the nurses taught us to do back then. They survived, but the only conclusion I can draw from that is that they weren't pre-disposed to whatever condition causes SIDS in the first place. One never knows if her child is or isn't, until it happens, kwim? We are constantly learning and altering our behaviour accordingly. Like Karen said, I wasn't brought home from the hospital in an infant seat, and my mother smoked during her pgs, b/c that's what was done at the time, and I'm alive and well. But that doesn't mean it's ok for me to ignore the new conventional wisdom b/c we got lucky. And the thing about second hand smoke, believe me, that study will not be changing, the evidence is undeniable.. Just b/c some people are selfish or stupid enough to smoke around their kids, and their kids somehow manage to 'survive', doesn't mean it's prudent to ignore the hard evidence that it's damaging in a million ways.
I'm not attacking you personally, b/c I understand what you were trying to say, so please don't take offense at the strong language in my post- it's not directed at you. But smoking around kids absolutely infuriates me, and I felt compelled to comment.