Absolutely miserable - I just dont see a solution

boyohboyohboy wrote: Hi again!
I have to admit, that this is hard to admit, but I am tired of bfing! The total truth is I am just plan tired. Jake has still not learned to sleep, no matter what a I try. He is still nursing every 1-2 hours all day and night. I have been offering him all kinds of other food sources, from stage one baby food, to table foods. It just seems to be good one day and then the next he acts like he has never had food before in his life.
He has just learned to spit, so he spits everything. So I dont feel comfortable just stopping nursing because I am afraid he wont get the nutrients he needs. But at the same time I feel myself starting to resent him. I am so tired, and I want to do something during the day other then just feed him.
He is also so needy that he isnt fun to be around. If I am not holding him he is crying, sometimes tears sometimes just noise, i have started to just put him down and walk him around with me holding his hand so we have some contact but I am not carrying him.
He is a few days short of being 11 months old, my goal was 12 months of bfing.
I love this little guy more then anything, dont get me wrong, but I just feel likes it time to stop this, and give him some independance, and find some way to help him feel secure.
I tried getting him attatched to a lovey, but it doesnt seem to have worked so far.

How do I encourage independence, and still help him feel secure?
I am also still concerned that Jake is on the small side for his height. He weighs 19 pounds. I dont feel like he has a lot of reserve to play with.

Does anyone else have experience with such a needy child?

amynicole21 replied: Any chance he's getting molars? Nora gets TERRIBLY clingy when she's teething.

While I'm a huge proponant of bfeeding, when you get to the point that you are dreading it, I say it's time to start the weaning process. It'll probably be a longish process if you do it gently, so you'll probably make it to your 1 year goal

I lucked out with my first - she weaned herself while I was on a business trip. I really don't have many hints other than to check kellymom for advice.

Good luck, and I hope you get some sleep soon!

boyohboyohboy replied: I did check kellymom for advice on how to start the process, and they are totally against starting him now. the reasoning was, he is not well established with eating any thing yet, and they were concerned for optimal brain and growth development that he be on the breast milk till he reached his one yr mark. also if i was going to stop then he should be started on formula, which jake has never taken a bottle and refuses formula.
their advice was to just keep offering food until he some day accepts it and then he will ween himself, and the usual age was 2-3 yrs.
i just dont think i can wait that long.

he has 4 top teeth and only the bottom two front teeth, is it time for molars?
is it to soon to start whole milk? i have given him tastes, and he has emptied a 3 ounce sippy cup, now most of it was on his shirt from spitting, but he didnt seem to mind the taste.

amynicole21 replied: You can start offering whole milk, though they say to wait until he's a year. I think it's close enough It's true that you need to ensure that he is able to get nutrition from somewhere else. That part of your original post didn't sink in at first

Yes, molars are a definite possibility. Try giving him some motrin to see if he cheers up any

I know exactly where you are coming from though. Nora nurses every hour or two all night long and I'm about to lose it.

boyohboyohboy replied: I feel so guilty though for wanting to stop. I have enjoyed the process, and frankly I had such a hard time getting started, that when it finally all started to work itself out, I was thrilled, and have felt proud that I made it this long, longer then my friends, and past the nasty remarks made by my family. Thats why I cant complain to them one bit, they wanted this done a long time ago.
I keep wondering how it will feel not to sit alone with Jake at night and have that special bond, but I truely am so miserable right now.

I would almost rather give him a kidney then feed him all night tonight!
Isnt that awful.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Stacy, I'm not sure I can offer any solid advice, but I do want to say that just because one website is against weaning now, doesn't mean they are right. It's one opinion out of many others. I think you should do what you feel is best for your situation.

boyohboyohboy replied: thank you jennie, i am just afraid to start something that could cause more eating problems. like i mentioned i dont feel like jake has a lot of fat reserve.
and if he got sick just because i was getting tired of bfing i could never forgive myself.
i also cant stand the mom i am to him right now, so its kinda a double edged sword.
but i have always gotten good advice here, just waiting to see what karen has to say, she always has the low down on the bfing issues.

luvmykids replied: I wish I had some advice. I think you've hung in as long as you could and if you're at the point of dreading it you should definitely think about doing something else.

Boo&BugsMom replied: If you start to wean, perhaps it will hopefully more or less force him to eat other stuff. Meaning, if he really is hungry he will have no choice but to eat what you offer him as long as you are consistant with it. After while he will learn that you wont give in, I would hope. Sounds like it's a battle of the wills between mom and son. Those are tough, and they never go away.

coasterqueen replied:

I'm not really sure I can give you the "low down". Sorry.

Yes, I have experienced a child who needs me a lot, but I thought all children did. Both my girls need me a lot. I think everyone's definition of "needy" is way too different to put them all in a class together . What you might think is needy might not be what I think is .

You've posted numerous times about BF and I've taken for quite some time now that you want to stop, but for some reason you are not and most times women go through "this" because they want someone to tell them it's ok to stop, etc. I, personally, am not going to tell you it's ok and I'll be honest as to why. He's less than a month away from being a year old so why stop now? In less than a month you can put him on whole milk and be done with it. Second reason is I don't think his neediness is just from BF, it's just a scapegoat. Thirdly, YOU have to be the one to decide if it's ok or not and nothing the rest of us tells you is going to make a difference.

Let me just offer you this advice. My first DD, the one who nursed every 2 hours for an hour each time until she was 18 months of age and didn't wean til she was 24 months of age...you might consider that needy right? Well her neediness didn't stop there. She's 4 years old and just as needy as she was the day she was born. I really hate using that term needy because I don't feel good using it. Kylie is a very spirited child, and spirited children drain a lot of energy from you, it's just a fact I have to live with forever. Have you ever considered that your son is just a spirited child and will ALWAYS need you more than most kids? Do you think, seriously think, BF will be the end-all to his "neediness"?

and GL with your decision and the weaning process.

coasterqueen replied:
This is actually a VERY good reason not to wean him yet. HE, physically, is not ready.

coasterqueen replied: I also wanted to add this because I really wasn't meaning to sound harsh above.

I have been where you are now. Trust me. I'm no saint, no queen of BF, etc. I am human and I've had all the feelings you have had, well not the kidney one , but YKWIM. I think a lot of people can tell you they've been there. It's an individual journey that none of us can really help each other sort out, kwim? I guess what I'm trying to say is we all feel this way, we all need to vent about it and should, but we can't solve these inner feelings for each other. Only one another can....only you can...only I can. I had to do a lot of soul searching to decide if Bf is what I wanted to do for my 1st DD when times got rough, really rough and I felt like I couldn't take it. I'm so glad I stuck with it and honestly it was because her demand for my attention didn't stop at BF. I don't regret one minute of it. To be honest the feelings I had when I was BF her...well I have a lot of the same "I am going to crawl out of my skin" feelings with her now and she's not nursing. She's just her and that's that.

boyohboyohboy replied: by needy I mean he has to be held by me constantly. i have not even been able to put him in sunday school nursery for less then 30 seconds with out him crying so hard he is hysterical. no matter where we are he thinks he needs held. he doesnt seem to want to play with other kids or isnt interested in his brother or father and he doesnt seem to be able to sit and play for even short periods of time along. i feel like he is displaying signs that he isnt secure. i want him to be independant and secure in life, and if this is something that does come later then i can wait, i guess, but i just remember my oldest learning it a lot sooner. and i know all kids are different. i think i have wanted to quit nursing for some time, but with the support i have had here and kelly mom i have been able to get thru it. my husband is also wonderful.
but i am starting to get concerned that he isnt taking in more solids then he is. i would feel better if he were a little chunkier, for one thing he seems so small and fragile to me.
i just havent like how it makes me feel about him lately.
how did u get thru 18 months with a smile on your face getting up every two hours and nursing for an hour? how did u take care of your other child, and have the energy to care for a husband and feel good?
i just cant seem to get a handle on it and i feel so inadequte because of that. i also am tired of complaining.
i feel like i am missing out on time spent with my oldest son before he starts kindergarden next yr by sleeping when jake sleeps during the day, and i feel bad that i am so grumpy and angry when i am awake that no one wants to hang around me.
i have wondered if these are not signs of some ppd? the quick anger and the feeling so frustrated. i dont cry i am just so angry so fast over stupid things.

coasterqueen replied: How did I do it with Kylie, well she was my first so there was not another child to tend to, but as far as my marriage and life in general. It was put on hold. A very long hold. Still is in a lot of ways, because Megan is just as spirited but in different ways. She's not the BF'er her sister was but she needs to constantly be held, just like her sister did. Kylie could not and still can't play by herself. We still have to be right there with her playing with her constantly. Megan, she's my screamer and cries constantly if she's not held or can't get across her point since she doesn't talk still.

Kylie didn't take to solids well til she was well over a year. She just wanted mommy's milk and that was that. She wouldn't even take to whole milk til she was almost 18 months.

You know people ask me at work how I cope with Kylie, especially, and no sleep, nursing 24/7, pumping, working full time, having any kind of life, marriage, etc and I just say "I do, I don't know how, but I do". I'm on auto-pilot 24/7 and I'm not the same person I once was (organized, etc) and I just deal. My marriage has suffered a bit, but we both know we can rebound quickly from things like this because we know it will be over soon. Many don't believe in this philosophy, they think marriage should come first and children should come second, but I don't. I made the decision to bring my children into this world, they will come first and what Dh and I need will come second. Just how we both see things and it works for us. This is probably one reason for sure that DH and I are done having kids. We are ready to move on, have time for us as well as enjoy our children as they grow. If we added another into the mix, that would be another 2+ years we are on auto-pilot.

Anyways, I can't tell you if this is depression you are experiencing, but I will offer this unsolicited thought. I think you should think very long and hard about TTC another baby if you are feeling this way. Why? Because you are finding it hard to have time for your first with the second. Oy! Do I feel you on that one. I'm experiencing the same with my girls. What is it going to be like if you add a 3rd into the mix? Sure you can muddle through, but by the sound of your feelings I'm not sure if that's what you want to do. I honestly don't think your son is needy just because of BF and I don't think it will be a quick fix. I think you just have to give him time. I'm sorry to say that. Believe me I went through the frustration with both not wanting to eat, they were ready when THEY were ready. Plain and simple. ETA to add I'm not saying think about not having a 3rd, maybe just waiting til issues resolve with your second....when he's easier to handle.

We all want our children to be secure and independent, but do they really have to be independent at not even 11 months? Secure, yes, but I think babies have secure issues well into toddler/preschool years. Kylie has secure issues from time to time. They all do, don't they?

I wish I had some majic answer, but I don't.

boyohboyohboy replied: thank you karen for your advice, i do think you have a good grasp of what i do feel like. i will take all that you have said into consideration.
i appreciate your advice and understanding. and i didnt take anything you said as harsh.

boyohboyohboy replied: has anyone else weened down to just night time feedings?
and how did u do that?

CantWait replied: Anthony IMO was the "king" of "needy". He was exactly like you are explaining. The first few months, if he was attached to my boob he wasn't happy, then if I wasn't holding him he wasn't happy. He'd cry and throw temper tantrums, if an infant can even do that. My goal was to nurse until 12 months also, he stopped at 14 months. I think a lot of that had to do with the trip we went on. We home to Ontario for a couple weeks, and we were so busy I didn't have time and he had more opportunity to be with other people to breastfeed.

Can you get away for a couple of days and let dad do everything. Maybe that way if you aren't there, then he won't take notice and want you so much.

I thought I had more to say but dh just got home and I've lost my train of thought. I'll post more later if I remember, but in the meantime. If anything I wanted to let you know that I've BTDT.

PrairieMom replied: I don't have any advice, just

coasterqueen replied:
This does work for some. Might be worth a try. I thought Megan would forget about nursing since she's on sippys too as well as solids, but she didn't. I was gone for 4.5 days and the first thing she wanted when she saw me was to BF.

I've not weaned down to nightfeedings but there are plenty who do it. I just wonder how well that will go if he won't eat solids during the day.

boyohboyohboy replied: i know i cant just skip to night time feedings right away, but i just wondered if that was something that was possible, or if the milk dried up only do it that often.
i am able to get jake on a good day to eat about a jar and a half of food, now according to what i have read he is to eat 1-4 tablespoons at a time, it feels like he isnt eating much, but my mom thinks it more then i think it is. i also can get him to eat things like toasted cheese, cottage cheese, and cheese cubes, yogurt, but most of it seems to be spit out, again my mother thinks he is swallowing some of it. i am going to just keep trying. i noticed today though a few red raised spots on his belly for about an hour after he ate this afternoon. so i dont know if it was the whole milk or what. it went away as fast as it came, so i will have to keep an eye out.
i know that if i wish this time to speed up with jake that i will regret it, and after posting today he seemed in such good spirits i felt bad for talking so badly about him.
maybe i do feel a little pressure to have him be more grown up since we are attempting to conceive number three, i dont feel i have the luxury of waiting to do that considering my age, and we do want to have one more child. i know it might be rough at first, but i think its something in the long run i will be glad i went thru.

i am going to cut back on some of my computer time,and spend more time with the kids. i am going to volunteer more at calebs preschool so i feel like i am spending time with him, and then some time alone with jake while caleb is at school, and like karen said, keep motoring thru on auto pilot. i do appreciate a place to vent my true feelings. thanks for listening.

thats why i do vent here, not to hear just kind words or wishy washy sediments but here i get the truth that might sometimes be hard to hear, but it still makes me open my eyes and look at it in different perspectives.
thanks guys

coasterqueen replied: Stacy.

CantWait replied: I just wanted to add, like Karen said..just because you stop bf isn't going to be cause for baby to need you less. When and before I must add, Anthony stopped bf he was tempermental, and stubborn, still sometimes is now. He still won't play by himself in his room, he's got to be with me, or his brother, and even if he's in front of the tv, he's constantly up and down.

My only advice after all is said and done, stop if only for a couple weeks trying to give solids, stop putting pressure on him and especially yourself. Like you said, volunteer at Jake's school, and then maybe when you bf you'll be able to enjoy it that much more.

Jolyn replied: I don't know if anyone else has suggested this but what about pumping and giving him your breast milk in a sippy cup. That way you could pump and not feel like all your doing is nursing him. It would also get him use to using a sippy cup but he's getting the benefits of your milk. Just an idea.

Oh and i also wanted to add that my youngest son didn't eat hardly any solid food for the first year of his life. He just did not like food. He wanted to nurse. He refused all baby cereal or baby food and pretty much at a year old just decided he wanted food. His doctor said as long as he wasn't loosing weight it was fine. He was alot thinner than my first son and still is a lankier kid. He continued bf until he was 18 months.

boyohboyohboy replied: i wanted to post an update. i think that i was having a really bad week, and now things dont look as bleak as they did.
jake has a fair night. he was up only 4 times and went back to sleep rather easily. maybe he knows about the post and the whole kidney thing!

he also ate a little better yesterday, but i am going to take the advice and offer it, at meal time, but not the every two hours before a feeding like i was. if he eats he does and if not then we nurse.

he seems more at ease, and that makes me feel more at ease

thanks again

holley79 replied: I am so sorry. I don't have any advice but I do hope you are able to get some relief very soon. I think when it comes to "resenting" then it is time to stop.

Maybe someone else might know this but I wonder if DH took over and you left the house if maybe he would accept things.