Anybody answer todays poll yes? - Only if you want to share.

mckayleesmom wrote: I totally voted yes. Especially after today.....Today was the perfect day to ask me. I feel like Im failing everyday lately. I try different ways of parenting, read books and nothing works. My new years resolution was not to yell anymore....I failed that by 8 the next morning. I feel like I spend 85% of my time diciplining my kids. If Mckaylee isn't getting into something, then Russell is whining non stop. The other 15% they are sleeping.

Ok..Im done.....thats my confession

mckayleesmom replied: Just wanted to add...Don't get me wrong...I love my children and wouldn't take them back for anything....Sometimes I just don't think I planned out the parenting thing too well...kwim?

sparkys2boys replied: yup, I voted yes to this also. I to also made a resolution to try and not raise my voice so much at the boys.. let's just say I haven't started yet..*sigh*. The boys get soooo noisey that it drives me crazy and then I end up yeling at them for being to loud..make any sense..I am doing exactly what I want them to stop. All in the all the boys are pretty good, and sometimes I think I expect to much from them. I don't feel like I am failing all the time, just on occasion. My patience can be non-exisient at times. I don't think that we are failing per say, just maybe need to mellow out some. We should start a group together.. yelling AA..lol!! Wanna join me?? We should get together to talk sometime, maybe we could come up with a way to work on this. I am open to suggestions. OK, so there is my confession also

mckayleesmom replied:
LOL....I do that too....I yell for them to stop yelling... Im in....I will be member #2. I also don't feel like Im failing all the time...it comes and goes in spurts....

sparkys2boys replied: ok girl.. what's the plan then..lol?? Ummm??? I'm still trying to start the new years thang *sigh again*. I don't know how people do it, sit back and let he** break lose around them and say nothing??? I know that two boys tend to get loud, but holy mother of lord.. it gets crazy. They have very loud speaking voices also. I am constantly shhhh'ing them to no avail. I do really try.. but.. it does not last. So, what's the plan for you?? Let me in on it.

mckayleesmom replied:
Well....Russell is usually not bad, just whiney. He has started acting up lately and he is almost 2 now...so I can't just let him get away with it anymore...I have to punish him too. If you know Mckaylee....the only punishment that seems to work is sending her to her room.....So lately if I have enough time before I snap...then I take them both by the hand and make them sit in their room until my head cools off...

coasterqueen replied: I'll admit it, I voted yes. Why? Because I have ideals of a perfectionist and anything less than perfect equals failure for me. That's the way everything in my life has always been. Boy, that sounds depressing. It's not really. I don't get depressed about it, I just strive to be even better. Weird sounding, I know.

I lose my temper easily and I expect a lot from my girls. It is one of my resolutions to remember they are almost 2 and 4, not 15. Not starting off too great with AF ringing in the new year. AF and trying to simmer my temper doesn't go real well together but we are all work-in-progress' so just keep working at it is what I tell myself. I also need to loosen up and have more fun. I can be too uptight at times. I'm doing well with this one so far.

I think defining whether one is a failure or not all has to do with their definition it, and we are all different, therefore our definitions will be different. Many might be shocked that someone says they are a failure, but I don't see how when they don't know others definitions.

mckayleesmom replied: Also...McKaylee is entering her sassy stage...so my fuse is alot shorter these days.

sparkys2boys replied:
sooo.. you wanna be member #3 then?? We are starting yellers AA/ needs some patience group...

mckayleesmom replied:
I sooo relate....Im kind of a perfectionist too.....I have my ideas of how things should go and stuff like that....For example...When found out that I was having a girl...I dreamed of a cute little girl, shopping buddy. A little girl that kept her room clean...etc......HA HA HA!.........God sent me Mckaylee to set me straight.....He sent me a mini version of myself at her age and right now her in her room has pop tarts smashed into it....

coasterqueen replied:
That has always been my problem too. I thought my girls would be like I was. I was clean, neat, played with dolls and toys, but still could have fun getting dirty and doing more rough stuff. My girls are NOT clean or neat, barely like dolls or any toys. They just want to get dirty and destructive 24/7.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I commend you all who have spoken up and admitted that at times you may feel like you are/have been a failure.

I raise my hand too.

I voted yes as well.

This by Karen sums it up well for me....

C&K*s Mommie replied: Yikes! Just thinking about admitting something so private took guts for me, but I am glad that I was/am not alone in feeling like that at times, and I am glad that others spoke up.

amymom replied: Lisa said it really well in another post, so I hope she will forgive me for quoting her here.

I really feel this is true. Now I have my moments where I wonder if I am doing the right thing, and I want the perfect kids etc. But I know that my kids will grow up and be good people, what more can I ask.

mckayleesmom replied: I have to also add that I don't just feel this way about parenting...I feel this way about being a wife as well....its all tied in to me......I feel like I clean 24/7, take care of everybody, know where everything is, Im never allowed to be sick...etc. YET my house is always messy, and everthing is always chaotic....Then I have this really nice neighbor accross the street with 2 kids...her house is always spotless, she looks like a super model and has everthing under control.....as much as I like her, sometimes it makes me want to snap her like a twig.....WTH is wrong with me?

mckayleesmom replied: And....I forgot to add that my neighbor works.....Im a sahm......So it makes me feel even more like a failure....

sparkys2boys replied: ok.. now I am going to cry here.. it takes alot for any of us to admit this.. thanks for letting me see I am not the only one

C&K*s Mommie replied: My MIL was raised by a mother who was very similiar to your neighbor, Brianne. So in learning from it she in turn raised her kids (Chris and his siblings) the opposite. I cannot quote her verbatim but she told me that she raised them to be happy and healthy but if the house had dirt tracked in, or the dishes were not done that is perfectly fine. Spending time with them and not all of her free time cleaning was of the utmost importance.

Also what you see on the surface may not always be the truth of what is underneath. kwim? She may have similiar if not greater issues within herself or the household but to keep up appearances it may not seem quite that way on the outside looking in. You just never know what is driving someone to appear to be the model of perfection, even when you think you know.

MommyToAshley replied: I found the poll difficult to answer. I answered no because I don't always feel like a failure. But, there are times when I do. If "sometimes" was an option, then that would have been my vote.

Parenting is hard. Parenting skills are probably the most important skills that we will learn in our life, yet we are thrown into a situation where we learn as we go and none of the "rule books" seem to work. I wish there were more workshops available for parents... where you could discuss your issues/problems and then come up with ideas on how to work on them. I guess that this board kind of fills that void for me.

I have been feeling guilty lately of not spending enough time with Ashley. While she and I are here together all the time, I have been working a lot lately. We're not actually spending that much quality time together. I can stop and read a book or talk for a few minutes, but it's not like it used to be. As my New Year's resolution, I have made a rule not to work during certain hours of the day while she is home... no matter what. This can be really challenging to stick to when I am under a deadline, but I am dedicated to it. This specific time period is going to be dedicated to just us.

I think I have an issue where I feel inferrior to some of the other Moms out there. Not so much just on the parentnig level, but in being able to juggle all the responsibilities. They work, raise their kids, and have a perfect clean home. How do they do it? I have trouble juggling all three of these.. something always seems to come up short. (and I even have a husband that does at least 50% of all the work). Obviously Ashley is my biggest priority, so I am determined that she is not what is going to come up short... which I am afraid may have been happening lately.

Wow.. this post really opened up the flood gates for me.

MommyToAshley replied:
We must have been typing at the same time. I just wrote something very similar.

mckayleesmom replied: Does anybody else feel like their patience was sucked out after they gave birth? I do. I use to be the most patient person....I was the neighborhood cool babysitter. I couldn't wait to be a mommy. Sometimes I don't think its fair that I can't be patient with my own kids. Dh thinks Im patient....but Im really not...sometimes Im just good at tuning them out...

coasterqueen replied:
If it was I'm in even bigger trouble. I've NEVER had patience. Mine has actually gotten better after having kids, but since I never had any, I could use a lot more than I have now.

C&K*s Mommie replied: Actually I'm still a fairly patient person. I have my moments when I am impatient, but I think we all do from time to time.

mckayleesmom replied:
I have to say Nicole.....you are a very patient soft spoken person and your girls are always so well behaved......Share your secret...(this is where I would insert the IM NOT WORTHY smilie)

CantWait replied: I voted "NO", but will admit there are times when I feel less then adequate as a mother. The thing I keep telling myself is that I'm doing the best I can, my kids are almost always happy, they are healthy, and they have everything they need.

I do admit though, I have a short fuse as well, and it often gets the best of me. This is something I've been fortunate to have worked on the past year with much success. It's still there, but not as quick, and not as heavy.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
Same here Dee Dee. I make so many mistakes every day and sometimes I feel like a bad mom, but I don't really feel like I'm totally failing. I lose my patience a lot, but a lot of the time I am patient too. I lose my temper and yell too, but not all of the time. I'm still learning this whole parenting thing... I'm sure every parent will be learning how to be a good parent until the day they die.

There have been really bad days (especially lately with my hormones going crazy and my patience running low) that I worry that I've really messed everything up because I've handled this or that the wrong way, but I'm still holding on to the hope that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet". And I don't think the mistakes I've made have messed him up yet - He's happy and well cared for, and most importantly he knows his mommy and daddy love him. I do feel awful when I make mistakes but I'm trying to learn from them.

luvmykids replied:
Dee Dee, you about took the words out of my mouth

Although lately we've had many moments when I've been pleasantly shocked at something, wether it's how maturely Kylie handled a conflict with a friend or their genuine thoughtfulness towards each other that reassure me I must be getting at least some of it right

I think the hardest thing for me by far is that being an only child I am absolutely bewildered at some of the sibling stuff that goes on, between the fighting, the competetion, etc I just don't get it....and I have no idea what it feels like to not be the center of attention as a child and sometimes feel I'm really shorting them in that department, not doing a good enough job with one on one time, individuality, etc. Sometimes I want them to act like three only children....only do it all together

C&K*s Mommie replied: you crack me up Brianne! But thank you.

I also wanted to interject as it has been mentioned prior, that I personally do not feel like a complete failure as a parent. Our girls are only 2 & 4, so neither I nor they have had much experience to feel like a complete failure. I think the way that I have witnessed and/or learned to raise children is not always fitting at times. Hence why I have expectations that can sometimes be unreal for them. I am learning and have pulled back the reigns some and have overriden (<<~is that a word?) my instincts on what I have learned from others that I no longer want to instill in our girls. The girls have two completely opposing personalities. The things that C grasped onto quickly and her behavior is not like K's and I have to teach and re-teach... and re-teach continually Kellie that certain behaviours are not acceptable, whereas Christian learned quickly. I get frustrated on occassion. At times I have felt like I am failing my girls, but I am continuing to grow and progress as their mother. I am happy and blessed to have them in my life, and I will never be a complete failure to them unless I stop desiring to be the adoring mother that I know I am to my baby girls.

PrairieMom replied:
Me too.

PrairieMom replied:
Me too. I was hoping my question would have that effect.

sparkys2boys replied:
Marie, what have you done to change, what is it that you worked on that helped you?? I could use any advice that you can offer here, along with some others . I say that I am going to work on it and I do for a few days(or hours ) whichever I get to and then it all goes down hill again.

Our Lil' Family replied:
After reading this Bri I remembered a friend of mine who's house always had to be spotless, she was always cleaning....one day she began crying because she was more concerned about the appearance of her house than spending time with her kids. She said at bed time she'd realize that she hadn't as much as read a book to her girls that day....she worked as well. Sometimes I think how much neater my house would stay if I worked, cause no one would be home to mess it up, but honestly, I'd rather clean up for an hour after Thomas goes to bed and be home with him all day!

Ok, I said no but like many, that's not to say I never feel like a failure. I do sometimes because I don't know how to play with my son therefore I don't enjoy it and don't try very often! That's a hard thing to admit. So at 21 months I expect him to be happy playing alone and he's just not. I have NO imagination, and I was an only child, you'd think I would have known how to play alone and it would be easy to play with him....not so. So while I feel like I'm doing well with discipline and he "gets" that....he would rather his Daddy over me because he plays with him!

My3LilMonkeys replied: I voted "No", but it seems my standards of failure are not the same as everyone elses'....if they were, I would be a "Yes" right alongside all of you for yelling too much, house always a mess, not enough patience, etc, etc, etc.

My standards were...my kids have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, food on the table and a family that loves them. That, to me, is success as a parent - I am giving them all of their basic needs, and the rest of the stuff I'll just keep working on until I get it right.

You ladies have given me a lot to think about today....I have felt like my life is completely out of control lately - I'm always behind at work, house is a mess, can't seem to kick my butt in gear on this diet and exercise, DH still doesn't have a job and we're seriously starting to fall behind financially....the side effects of all that are I am losing my patience with the kids....it helps to see that I'm not the only one feeling that way.


And as for the clean house, it drives me absolutely crazy to be held to the standards of "Pam's house is never clean" compared to my DH's family when are situations are completely different. MIL has no kids at home, SIL has no kids at home and only works 3 days a week, other SIL has older kids and doesn't work....of course their houses are going to be cleaner than mine when I work full time and have 2 small kids who act like tornados!!!

flirtycuddle replied: I voted no but now that I look at it it should have been yes. I have a 6 month old and a 2yr old and no matter what I do one or the other is screaming. I was working part time but my kids were just even more unhappy and my df stayed home with the kids but the house was never cleaned. I came home and did everything for hte kids and then cleaned the house and then got up to go to work. I couldnt do it so I quit. I can clean my house from top to bottom and by the time df comes home it looks like a tornado hit again. I know df knows how hard it is to be home with the kids cuz he did it for a few weeks and vows to never do it again. He laid off on thinking the house has to be spotless like his moms since then also....i personally think it needs to be some what clean and organized even if I am dreaming. My ds is cranky most of the time and just screams for me even if df tries to hold him and df is always telling me that I caused him to be that way even though I dont see how.

sparkys2boys replied: Wow, alot of us have been thinking the past few days. I don't honestly think that any of us are failing per say. We all just feel that we have areas that could be worked on, like any normal person should. I also think that it seems worse to some of us because we never talk about it for fear of what others will think of us. I know that since I have openly talked about this on here and in a PM with someone, I feel better that I am not failing but perhaps learning. It's nice to know that others are going through the same feelings. I think failing as a parent would be abuse, or just general dis-concern over the welfare of our children. And from what I know of the people in here.. we are not that at all. None of us would of admitted to out faults if it was the case. So, ladies remeber that it is a never ending learning process for us as parents and for our kids. As long as we are trying to right by them, then that is what counts.I know that today I have been extra patient with the kids and have not yelled once as of yet. It is going to take alot to stop the cycle but as long as I am trying, then what more can I do right. It's funny though, I have noticed that the kids have been much quieter today and more mellow, when they start getting to loud today, I have whispered to them to get there attention. It's working.. they are soooo surprised that I am not yelling that they stop and listen to what I have to say and settle down!!

MyBlueEyedBabies replied: I answered no because I don't always feel like a failure...I think I am having more good days than bad so overall I would have to say I think I am doing a pretty good job. My patience isn't the best and I do have issues like everyone else but Anyone who thinks they are perfect all the time is just lying to themselves.
I guess I will see in 20 years or so if I answered correctly...If my kids grow to be well adjusted confident productive members of society than I can say that yes I did do a good job.

boyohboyohboy replied: I voted yes, that most days I feel like I am failing at either being a parent or a good wife, its hard to be both. I to am a SAHM and most days the house is a wreck. If i do try to keep up with all the house work, and the homemade, organic, perfect little meals, and the laundry, then I have no energy left to play with the kids and do things that I feel i should with them.
I get so frustrated with myself I find that I yell all the time. I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me. I mean so many moms work and do all that I do, and hold it together so much better.
I dont want my kids to remember that mommy did nothing but scream.
My New years resolution was to control my temper and not let these stupid little things bother me.
why do I care so much if the clean laundry is sitting in 5 different baskets upstairs where no one but me can see them?

I am glad to see that I am not alone. it nice to admit that what we do is human.
I dont feel like such an alien now.

msoulz replied: I answered no because overall I feel pretty good. But there are days when I certainly would answer yes. We all have those days. Can't dwell on them, just do our best to do better next time.

CantWait replied:
I think it's just a combination of having "me time", thinking before I react, and breathing before I react, giving myself that second. I also just push a lot of things to the side that are smaller and don't matter as much.

sparkys2boys replied:
You know there is one major key thing that you said here.. me time. I never have me time that often and keep telling myself that I am going to start and never do, there seems to be a million other things that are more important. The me time I have is in here.. scarey right..lol. And then I have one of not two kids hanging off me saying can I ahve a turn on the computer..lol. I may really have to make more time for me

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I voted yes, just because I don't think that I am nice enough to my kids. I'm always yelling or whatever...

but one thing that did really truly help me was FlyLady. Yes, it's really weird... and it's a weird site... but I've never had my house cleaner, and my responsibilities well balanced and everyone all around better off because of her.

My dishes aren't "always" done... but, it seems like my house is always presentable, and I've had the daycare mom comment on how clean my house always looked, even though their kids always go home with crafts or cookies or whatever... the kids have lots of fun, we do lots of stuff, and even with 5 kdis on the run in my house, it's hardly ever a disaster zone anymore.

Cece00 replied: I am like Dee Dee, I found it hard to answer. I ultimately voted no, because 95% of the time I do not feel that way. But I know every now and then I have days where I DONT feel like that- days when the kids are acting up, days when I feel like being lazy & then I feel guilty about it, days when the kids will be mad at me over something (like not being able to go somewhere or get something they want, etc) and I feel bad about that...but I think everyone has days like that.

Overall, I know I am a good mother/parent, I know I go above and beyond for my kids, I know I sacrifice a LOT for my kids, so I usually dont feel like I am a failure.

luvmykids replied:
I used to feel that way too, and felt guilty for putting things off to have me time but all of us truly are so much happier if I do it, just a few minutes reading or what floats your boat. Also, as a former screamer it was a really tough thing but I had to just commit to not do it , I know it sounds way too simple but for me that was really it, just deciding I'm NOT yelling anymore.

And Rocky, I swear by flylady too....as silly as it sounds it has truly rescued my sanity and my house