Argument about Breast Pumping vs. Formula
mattslav wrote: My wife and I are having a huge argument/fight over whether she should continue to breast pump or switch to formula. I want her to continue to breast pump, and she wants the formula.
We are basically just looking at the pros of our "pick".
I want the baby to have breast milk because:
1. It is the best nutrition a baby can get
2. It is free
3. It is more easily digestible, which means less fussiness about gas
4. We have already invested in a breast pump and nursing pads, and to stop now is a terrible waste of money
She wants the baby to have formula because:
1. It is a big time commitment to have to pump her breasts every 4 hours (otherwise they drip excessively) and you can't do anything else while you are pumping
2. Formula gives the baby all the nutritions it needs
3. Breast pumping leaves her breasts feeling sore
But what makes this such a heated argument are these side issues:
- I think she is just looking for the easy way out (like she usually does). I don't believe she has a good understanding of the commitment a parent needs to have. I fear this is an omen of things to come. Also, she has been breast pumping for only a week; some of the issues she is having may dissipate over time, if she gives it a chance.
- She thinks I'm just trying to be cheap. She sees me pushing back with her on this issue and interprets it as being unsupportive, that I'm not being sensitive to her needs. She wants to be able to have the freedom to have the pre-baby lifestyle.
I don't see how we can meet in the middle on this one. It's been a continuous argument for a couple days now.
Any suggestions or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
amynicole21 replied: While you would be hard-pressed to find a bigger advocate of breast-feeding than me, I think this situation is a tricky one. Pumping is a HUGE commitment. I did it for a year with both of my girls, and when I hung up the horns last week I was VERY relieved. 
I used to answer emails, phone calls, surf the internet or just rest my eyes during pumping. It was a nice excuse for me to just take some time for myself during the busy day at work. You can get hands-free devices or bras that help with this, but I would just lean up against the edge of the desk to keep the horns in place. 
Does she use a double electric pump? These save a lot of time, but are expensive.
Is your wife pumping because she has gone back to work, or is she having a problem with nursing? Will she quit breastfeeding all-together if she quits pumping? She may be able to do both - breastfeed at night and give formula during the day. The dripping should slow down once her body gets used to the new schedule.
To support your argument about how beneficial bfeeding is, here is a site that might help: Benefits of Breastfeeding
Ultimately, while you should definitely have a say in this, it is your wife that has to be happy with the decision since she is the one making the biggest sacrifice. If she is unhappy with continuing with it, then it's not the best situation for anyone. I hope she makes the right decision for everyone involved.
Our Lil' Family replied: I'm not going to say a whole lot about this because I was where you wife is just one year ago....BUT I will say what I told my DH. I was MISERABLE to put it nicely. Pumping is very hard and especially when you have nursing issues with your child, like I did. I simply asked my husband this, "would you rather a happy or miserable wife/mother?" Yes breastmilk is best BUT you have to try to understand how hard it is on her. Formula these days is wonderful and provides almost as much benefits as breastmilk, especially now with the LIPIL brands.
That's all I'll say, I just know where she's coming from is all, and ultimately it was my and is her decision.
na81 replied: I don't really know what to say here...My SO hated it when I pumped, he thought it was gross to watch!  I know how hard it was for me to breastfeed, but I did it until my dd was 8 months old. My dd had acid reflux so we had no choice but to switch to formula because she couldn't keep b-milk down as long. 
I understand both of your points. B-milk is "best" for the baby, but formula can be equally good. B-feeding can be difficult, I found it hard to do in public (Im a little shy when it comes to that kinda stuff  ). So, I would pump and put it in a bottle if I knew I was going out. Pumping does take some time and can make your bb's sore, but there are things out there to help with that. My ? is, why doesn't she b-feed? Why does she want to stop pumping? Is it just because she wants the freedom? Maybe she can do formula during the day and pump at night. I did that for about a month while I was trying to wean my dd, except I would b-feed at night. Just a thought. Like I said, I don't really know how to help here, but I hope all goes well. I hope the 2 of you need to come to some sort of agreement and do what is best for your child!!! Keep us posted!
~*Just Me*~ replied: Well, the easiest thing to do would be for her to breastfeed the baby without pumping. And pumping shouldn't take that long if she's using a double electric pump, so I can't see why she's using that as an excuse of not being able to do anything else.
Formula is NOT as good as breastmilk, and never will be. It's a poor substitute from what Mother Nature intended human babies to grow on. That's a fact. Breast will ALWAYS be best.
Really try to find out why she's thinking like this. If it's breastfeeding difficulties, see if she will see a Lactation Consultant, or call Le Leche League. This website is AWESOME on breastfeeding information and any difficulties that might come up:
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/index.html
coasterqueen replied: I'm not sure I'm the right person to respond here because I am on your side. I definitely think after a few weeks of nursing the soreness will subside. There are so many things to take into consideration here I'll try to break them out. I'm terrible at saying what I want via words on a board, but here it goes:
1. She may not have the pump at the right setting causing the soreness and that would mean she needs to get that right for the soreness to go away. What kind of pump is she using? That would help me figure that one out. Also she can put lanolin on her nipples while pumping to ease the discomfort of that.
2. How old is baby? I really like to know that before commenting extensively.
3. Pumping IS a HUGE committment, but IMO if you are committing to BF and your reasons are that it is the BEST (it is because nature intended it that way  ) then you should go all the way with pumping. While it is a huge commitment it's not a HARD commitment. I mean, it's boring, monotonous (sp?), and sometimes it's difficult to find the time, but what's 20 minutes 3 times a day at work to take time out for your child to give them the best. IMO it's the LEAST I can do for my child when I have to be away from them all day long. Plus I feel like I'm connecting with my baby in a way while I'm pumping.
4. Can't do anything while pumping.....BULL! I read magazines, chat on here, actually do my work  , talk on the phone. Heck I even drive while pumping when I really need to. The time I get to pump is my calm time when no one is bothering me. Course there are times when we are SO busy it's stressful to find time to pump, but I manage.
5. Formula does NOT give the baby all the nutrition it needs. If that was the case God would have made formula not breasts that make all the nutrition a baby needs . Actually formula is the 4th best food for your baby. Breastmilk from the mother is number 1, pumped breastmilk is number 2, donated breastmilk is number 3 and last is formula.
Now with all that said and it is not my intention to offend anyone because I try to be in the middle on issues of BF/formula, but for some reason I feel inclined to tell you how I see it . I do believe everyone is entitled to their opinion and I feel that everyone has to do what is best for them and their family, not what I feel is right for them or for anyone for that matter.
I didn't even want to BF when I was pg with Kylie (my 1st). I was afraid of it and I felt so much pressure because my SIL BF her 1st 6 months and her second for over 2 years. She didn't fail and I'm not used to failing and I felt like I would fail and that was just too much for me to handle. DH asked me kindly to give it a try because he felt it was very important for our child (and he is a bit cheap ) and so I told him I would but don't be mad if I give it up. He agreed and I did a lot of research while I was pg and found that IF breastfeeding was not for me I would commit to exclusively pumping so I knew my baby would get breastmilk no matter what. Formula was not an option. I BF my first for 24 months and pumped breastmilk to send to daycare for 19 months (til she was 21 months of age). I am currently BF my 13.5 month old and have been pumping for her for daycare for 9.5 months. I'll admit I would LOVE to quit earlier with this one but I'm really going to try to give her the same benefits I gave her sister so I will keep on moo'ing for now. 
If I told you all the horrible things I went through with my first BF AND pumping, ugh! I battled thrush so many times with my first that pumping literally was a PITA, but I didn't let it get to me. I guess that's my personality, though. I've battled quite a bit with my second, but thankfully we haven't experienced as much pumping issues as I did with my first.
Sure it's a PITA every morning to pack a pump bag, make sure pump parts are clean every night before bed so you can pack your bag every morning, find 20 minutes 3 times a day at work to pump and worry that you aren't going to pump enough milk, when you don't pump enough it means adding pumping sessions at home, etc .........BUT for me, at least, it's all worth it because being away from my children is NOT something I want to have to do, but have no choice, so the least I can do is give them a healthy start at life, right?
Again, this post is NOT, I repeat NOT to offend anyone who has not chosen what I've chosen to do and it's not saying I'm better than anyone else, because I'm far from it. What this post was intended was the let the OP know I see his point of view, it's hard for me to see hers, but I do understand hers and respect it. Also just letting him know some of the things I thought and think now about what I did for my girls.
HTH the OP.  PM me anytime.
Edit: I do want to add that I always tell those that inquire my help on BF that BF is not an "all or nothing" type of thing. Some breastmilk IS better than none at all. So if she is feeling pressured to not pump she might feel pressured into just giving up BF all together. BUT on the other hand, MANY people who end up quiting pumping at work and just give formula during the day DO end up quitting BF because for some odd reason they find it easier to do that. Just some thoughts.
coasterqueen replied: never mind
mattslav replied: Thanks for the replies.
To answer some questions that were brought up:
- Does she use a double electric pump?
Yeah, but she is caught up on the fact that she has to pump every 4 hours
- Is your wife pumping because she has gone back to work, or is she having a problem with nursing? Will she quit breastfeeding all-together if she quits pumping?
She nursed while in the hospital, and didn't like how baby was being rough with the nipples. I suggested that maybe she should try again, now that the milk is free-flowing, but she wasn't too keen on it. If she quits pumping, it will almost certainly be all formula.
- Why does she want to stop pumping? Is it just because she wants the freedom?
I think it is 75% freedom and 25% breastfeeding side effects (it takes 15 min each time, you can't do anything else, leaking, etc.).
My initial reaction to this problem (as with most men) is to look for a practical solution. I was suggesting ways to make breast pumping easier, telling her to give it a chance because a week isn't long enough to make an informed decision, and reminding her that parenting is a big commitment (especially for mom).
But, she didn't want to hear any of it. She just wanted to hear "I support whatever you decide to do", and I couldn't take that route without feeling I totally gave in (and thus had no input into the decision).
I could live with doing a mix of breast milk and formula, but her mind seems to be made up that it is going to be all formula eventually. That stubbornness makes it hard for me to work towards a happy solution for all.
coasterqueen replied: So she's not wanting to BF at all? I'm trying to figure this out.
Also I do not understand those who want to quit for freedom. You CHOSE to give up certain freedoms when you decided to have a baby. AND it's not NO FREEDOM for life, just for awhile, not ever.
AND the leaking WILL subside once her breasts regulate. Some take several months and some do not. My first took 9 months, with my second it took 4 months.
amynicole21 replied: Also, if the baby has a bad latch it would hurt her nipples when nursing. She may want to see a lactation consultant before letting that be the determining factor 
coasterqueen replied:
Yep, I got caught up in the moment and didn't think of that. Good one Amy .
I DEFINITELY would suggest getting her to a LC. A CERTIFIED LC. Maybe if you can afford it get one to come to the house so it is less stressful. 
mattslav replied:
This is my biggest problem. To me, this goes beyond breast milk vs. formula. Making the commitment to pump 5-6 times a day is an example of a sacrifice you make for your child. It's not like I'm not helping out. When I'm home from wok, I try to do most of the tending to the baby so she can get a break. For some reason, she's all caught up on the pumping. I think she should give breastfeeding another try because then it would be similar to the time commitment needed for feeding, but she is being so very close-minded.
amynicole21 replied: Remind her of all of the disadvantages formula has:
You have to take a bottle with you whenever you leave the house, and make sure it stays cold and there is enough for the entire outing.
If you run out of formula in the middle of the night, you have to go to the store or your baby won't be able to eat.
You have to wash bottles and nipples every day and sterilize everything once in a while! VERY TIME CONSUMING.
Some more advantages of nursing:
With nursing, you can bring baby to bed with you and catch some extra sleep while he nurses
You can leave the house with nothing but the baby and still be able to feed him whenever he needs it!
Breastmilk is always fresh, the right temp and sterile.
PrairieMom replied: Breast feeding isn't for everyone. I had a really hard time BF my son. I would cry everytime he was hungry and just pray he was crying becuase he was tired or had a wet diaper or anything else but hungry. The first few weeks were horrible. I feel that I gave it a good try. but finally ended up just pumping. I think that if I were getting pressured to so something that I really didn't want to do it would make me more likely to want to quit. In the end, it is really up to her. You can't MAKE her sit down and pump. If she really wants to quit she will.
It is unfortunate that you can't come to some sort of an agreement.
moped replied: I am a huge advocate of BF - I think that it is great for the baby etc, however I only bf myself for 6 months. That being said, I think you both have valid points, but it hard for a man to say that she is taking the easy way out - not to be mean, but my DH didn't want Jack on formula at 6 months, but it really wasn't his boobs being whipped out a bazillion times a day..............
I do think that the longer she does it the easier it will become, so perhaps trying for 3 months and see how she feels, then 6 months, and so on!
kit_kats_mom replied: take it from a lazy mom. once the first few weeks of irritation & adjustment are over, nursing i the easiest and most convenient thing in the world.
mckayleesmom replied:
With my daughter....I tried to "just pump" also..and although I really wanted what was best for my child...My sanity was starting to slip away with it. Nobody can tell your wife what to do...and you shouldn't try to. It should be her decision. Its her body, her mind, her emotions. Nobody can be her and nobody can tell her if she is making the wrong decision. It is easy for someone standing by to make suggestions on what she should do....but you only know part of what is going on in her mind.
With my first child....she would not latch on properly and it was excrutiatingly painful. I tried lactation consultants many times and it didn't work with them either.
The only thing I would suggest as her husband...is to try it one more time with a lactation consultants help. Maybe they can help her get the baby to latch on properly and that will make her see it differently. Also..how old is the baby? Your boobs can sometimes be sore and sensitive for a couple weeks, but then it goes away for the most part.
With my second child....I loved breastfeeding...and it didn't hurt with him...with no lactation consultants help...he was just a natural at it.
Although I know that breastmilk is best, a happy mom is better.
mattslav replied:
Baby is almost 2 weeks old. I figured that her breasts would get used to the stimulaton, and that's why I kept saying "just give it a month".
mckayleesmom replied: Well....Maybe she will agree to see a lactation consultant and they can help her with the soreness and stuff. If she is still pretty sore and sensative after 2 weeks then there is a good chance that the baby isn't latching on right. You can take the baby back to the hospital where you had her and they normally have lactation consultants on staff in the birthing center. That is what I did.
Did any of the lactation consultants come and visit her when she was in the hospital?
coasterqueen replied: Just be sure that the LC you see is CERTIFIED. A lot of times the LC at the hospitals are NOT certified, therefore doesn't have the appropriate education to help with a lot of problems that a mother might have to deal with. A certified one has 9 times out of 10 seen it all and dealt with all experiences for a long time. I encountered non-certified ones at the hospital and I don't even know how they can call themselves LC. The certified one I dealt w/is the only one I liked.
mckayleesmom replied:
The hospital I had my kids at had 2 Certified Lactation Consultants on staff. I didn't know they would even hire ones that weren't....that is interesting.
JAYMESMOM replied: From a mom that wanted to give up at the beginning. I really urge hanging in there and trying the BF over just pumping and giving a bottle because you are then wasting time IMO.
But to be honest if she is not open to the idea this will not work no matter how long you give her.
Unfortunately it is her decision since they are her BBs. I understand all the points you are making BUT both parents are not always willing to give up the same things. If you were her you would give up those things for the baby but that doesn't mean she should or has to.
I did BF for 18 months -- my duaghter decided to stop on her own. I never had a problem with leaking after the first month and by 7 months my milk was less in the day when my duaghter was away from me and she ate more at night. I eventually stopped pumping because I had enough stored from the first 7 months in the freezer.
I say support her in her decision which ever it may be because in 5 years it is not going to matter what she did but it will matter if your marriage is ruined/damaged from fighting on this issue.
coasterqueen replied:
usually non-certified ones are those who are there more in the evenings, etc. Certified ones that I know of usually work a standard 9 to 5. Non-certified just means they have a lot less training, that's all. I just think the certified ones are more worth the time and money to solve the problems they see daily.
mattslav replied: My thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread. It's giving me a lot to think about. Hopefully we'll have someone worked out soon!
moped replied: Please keep us updated
mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Although I agree with a lot of what's already been stated and that I would encourage her to see a certified LC, I also want to say, choose your battles wisely. Because when raising a child, you will have a plethora of decisions to make together, and some on your own. I would let this one go and let this be solely HER choice and just have faith that you'll get your say with other decisions down the road. BF in those first few months was both emotionally and physically challenging for me, so the last thing I wanted during that time was my DH arguing with me.
MyLuvBugs replied: Ya know what, it's her body and her choice. Let it go. If she's not comfortable with BFing or pumping, then do formula. Tons of kids have been raised on formula and are JUST fine. The only thing that should really matter is that the kid is happy, healthy, well fed and growing!
jcc64 replied: While it is undeniable that in the end, bf falls squarely on the woman's shoulders, or boobies, I should say, as a concerned and involved dad, your opinions should not be summarily discounted. I understand and acknowledge your wife's issues with pumping, but a successful bf relationship, like parenting in general, requires alot of initial patience, sacrifice, and education, with the payoff coming a little farther down the road and not always in such immediately obvious ways.
Yes, pumping can be annoying, and there are other more enjoyable ways to spend your time, but the way I looked at it, nothing I could have been doing with my time was as important as fortifying my kids with the best nutrition available. Like Karen, I am not in any way dogging those that chose not to bf, but it's inaccurate to assert that formula is as optimal a choice as bf- it's simply not true. Formula is an adequate substitute, period.
I suspect there is more at issue here than your wife's reluctance to pump or fully embrace the bf experience in general. Maybe she's having a hard time adjusting to the relentlessness of motherhood. Maybe she feels you are not acknowledging the monumental way her life has changed. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she feels you're not helping enough. Only you can know the answers to this. But it sounds like an undercurrent of a power struggle or resentment on both of your parts is occuring here, and I would address that before you try to come to a resolution regarding the feeding issue. I'm sure your child will be fine either way, but as was mentioned earlier, this is the first of many parenting issues, and you need to be able to compromise and communicate in a way that you both felt heard and respected. If you think this is hard, just wait till your kid can interject his own opinions into the equation.
Good luck and keep us posted. Maybe invite your wife to join us as well.
coasterqueen replied:
Wow, once again Jeanne you said it so eloquently.  ITA.
Maddie&EthansMom replied:
These were my thoughts exactly!! I really think there is something else going on here. Your wife really needs your support right now in any way she can get it. I think plenty of us have been in her shoes. I have. I had to pump for my daughter b/c she had latch problems. It took her a couple of months before she would nurse, but it was worth it.
IMO, it's just not worth it if she is stressed over it. Something is bothering her and if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Her happiness and health is vital right now. I hope the 2 of you can come to an agreement.
Andersen's Mom replied: I'm glad to see a dad so involved. Might I suggest a bribe? I'm somewhat joking, but somewhat serious. Ultimately, it is her body and so, if there is a tie between your vote and her vote, her vote wins. (Don't worry too much about that because most of the other parenting decisions don't pan out that way.)
But if breastfeeding is really important to you, instead of begging/reasoning/demanding, and probably making yourself and her even more stressed and stubborn about the whole thing, offer her something she really wants. And I don't necessarily mean a convertible or a new ring. But maybe some time off of "baby care" everyday. Promises of shoulder rubs. Agree to take over all parts of the feedings (feeding, dishes, buying new bottles, etc.). Or the one that would work for me - hire a maid to clean the house once per week, saving her time to pump. The trick is to think about what she would want, and give it to her, so you get what you want.
Also, keep in mind that you knew what she was like when you decided to have a baby with her, and you had a baby with her anyway. Now you are asking her to change and she may view that as unfair.
Finally, while I am a huge proponent of BF, I cannot BF because of a heart condition that was caused by pregnancy. My husband has used FF'ing as an opportunity to totally bond with his child, and we also do some Kangaroo-care to help with bonding. I worry about immunities and obesity, but I don't dwell on it. Ander's doing fine, and most FF babies do fine. BF is much, much better, btu it's definitely not the only way to raise a happy, healthy baby.
Cece00 replied:
Agreed.
And I BF all of my kids- none for a very long period of time due to a myriad of issues. But I tried my hardest, and did what I could for as long as I could, and when it was no longer worth my sanity or my children's health (because a baby who is barely eating isnt good for anyone...) I went to formula.
BF was very, VERY difficult for me (esp with my older two children) and the LAST thing I needed at a time when I was trying my hardest to make something very difficult for me work was my S/O ragging me. JMO.
ashtonsmama replied:
That is hard, and a big committment, so I can see both sides. Maybe get hooked up with a local La Leche League group or see a lactation consultant? That could help. Is she pumping because she works or whatnot? And can't just nurse? And how old is the baby?
I don't have much to say either way, I'm breastfeeding my son, and it's been much easier, I only pump when I leave him (like today, with my in-laws). So I'm lucky. Hope it works out. And welcome to the boards!
mattslav replied: Just thought I would give an update...
We talked for about 2 hours (seemed like forever). I let her know that I did not consider this to be a 50/50 decision, that her opinion did count for more than mine. I offered to do things to make her life easier. I suggested to do a mix of milk and formula. Her response to virtually everything was either "You're making me sound like I'm a bad mom" or "I don't want to do that".
The bottom line is I kept giving and giving, and she kept taking and taking. I was making a big effort to meet her in the middle, and even past the middle. But she was not budging for ANYthing.
I finally said "Look, obviously you have no intention of compromising on this, your heart is set on doing it your way, so I'm going to stop fighting and deal with it". She came back with "I don't want you to be upset with me", but the only way to help that would be to compromise, even if it is a little bit. I am just so tired of this that I almost don't care anymore (almost). As it is, I feel like my opinion counts for squat, and she just walked all over me.
Right now, we are doing half milk/half formula. Maybe she will lighten up, who knows. All along, she kept saying she wanted to see support from me, but that's a 2-way street. I don't feel she respects my opinion at all on this, and that makes me the most upset over anything. As other people said, there are bigger fish to fry here.
PrairieMom replied: I'm sorry you weren't able to reach a compromise.
coasterqueen replied: I am sorry she won't compromise. Does she compromise in general in your marriage? Just curious. There have been SO many things just thus far that Dh and I have had to compromise on when it comes to our girls and I'm sure there will be tons more. If we didn't learn to compromise I don't think our marriage nor our family would be functional one bit.
Is it possible she is going through post partum depression?
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