Co-Sleeping 6yr old

Mommy2Isabella wrote: My nephew is 6 and still HAS to sleep with my mom. < He lives with her. On the weekends he stays with his dad and he doesn't sleep with his dad.

My nephew had to stay here overnight about a month ago, and he COULDN'T get to sleep without my mom. He was SOBBING. I mean all out cant breath sobbing. He did it for about 2 hours and finally had cried himself to sleep.

I just read an article that children WON'T outgrow this, they will continue to sleep in bed with that person until they make them stop and consistency is key. I keep telling my mom that and she just says well "he said he was going to start sleeping in his bed next week". Are there any adverse effects to a child co-sleeping this long? Other than the fact that now my nephew won't sleep alone, at his dads his sister is in the room.

The crazy thing is, my niece who is 4 sleeps by herself always has. ...

luvmykids replied: That's tough, and another reason I'm all for teaching them to fall asleep on their own But seriously, I have no idea, other than to maybe try the gradual thing, where he sleeps on a mat on the floor next to her bed, then after a week move the mat closer to his room, etc. I don't know, maybe at that age you put your foot down and just say you're sleeping in your bed, period but that seems harsh to me when he's been allowed to do it for this long.

Jamison'smama replied: In our house it is success when everyone gets a good nights sleep. Jamison still sleeps in our bed at times if she wakes up at night, Jack is in there most of the time, DH is either downstairs or in Jamison's room, we don't care at all. I personally think it is a families decision and kids DO outgrow it. Do you think a 16 year old will be coming home from his date and sleeping with mom and dad? In many many countries, family beds are the norm.

If it not working for the family, there are gentle ways to change the behaviors, what we did with Jamison (and still do) is help her fall asleep, stories, books, songs etc. then we leave the room.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Same here.

Is your mom bothered by it? If not, then why are you? My nephew also slept with my parents for a long time and yes, he did outgrow it (he's now 9). They outgrow it sooner than you think.

luvmykids replied: That's a good point, Aimee and Brenda, and reminded me that we go through those spurts too; especially over the summer, everyone kind of slept wherever they landed

Crystalina replied: I have nothing to add. I have a co-sleeping 6 yr old and a 4 yr old. They have their own bed but they are purely for looks.

Brias3 replied: Personally, I don't think its that odd really. It's something they certainly outgrow. The only reason I don't allow it myself is simply because I don't WANT my kids in the bed with me

I have known lots of co-sleepers though and they all eventually outgrow it on their own. I'm sure sometimes a bit of prodding by the parents is necessary but if it doesn't bother them, then I'd let it go.

Crystalina replied:
I think I allow it because DH is gone all week and I don't have to sleep alone. I'm not so sure it's the kids so much as it is me. Pllllleeeaaaseee come sleep with mommy tonight! Yep, it's my fault.

danahas4monkeys replied: I have a 5 yr old and 3 yr old in my bed as I type lol part of it is me part is them and part is we are still remodeling upstairs, they can sleep on their own, they do some nights and they dont some nights, my dh works midnights so I'm ok with them in my bed lol they do out grow it at some point. I hate sleeping alone and have grown accustomed to them being in there and feel weird if they arent and have been guilty of talking them into it lol! If it works for them great if not then its easily remedied! They grow so fast I know eventually I'll be lucky if they still kiss me so I'll take this any night !

amynicole21 replied: My 5 and 2yos are still in our bed. We've been working on getting the 5yo out of the bed for over a year now Like Brenda said, I need a good night sleep and will take it however I can get it! I think it's fine.

gr33n3y3z replied:
either way to each their own I dont and wont allow it

mom21kid2dogs replied: I have a co sleeping 7 yr old and I'm with Brenda~it's all about getting a good night's sleep. If your mother has asked for your advice to help him sleep alone I'd offer gentle solutions. Otherwise, it's their business. Olivia is fine with sleepovers and has occasionally slept away from home once or twice a year since she was 2. That's really more her personality than anything. My niece was a co sleep kid, now 21, never made it through a Girl Scout function because she hated to sleep overnight outside of her home. I don't think she actually slept over night with anyone until she was at least 12. Oh yeah, she hasn't co slept with her parents since she was about 10. They most definately do outgrow it at some point. I've been around a really long time and I've never heard of a 16 yr old who still sleeps with mom & dad!

Mommy2Isabella replied: It bothers my mom, I just find it ODD that she allows it because she gave us such CRAP about having Bella in our bed when she was an infant, she was like do you want her in there when she is 2. BLAH, but he is 6 she says she feels bad because he will cry himself to sleep in the other room, which is right next to hers.

He has SERIOUS seperation anxiety because of his mom leaving him a few years ago. He HATES going to school because he is afraid my mom won't come pick him up at the end of the day. So I think that is part of it and of course my mom feels bad and responsible that my sister is a crappy mother so she enables them, they are rude and disrespectful because no one disciplines them but me, and then I am ridiculed for doing it because HOW DARE I THEY HAVE SUCH A HARD LIFE. BLAH ...


OK done ranting ... sorry guys

My3LilMonkeys replied: If your mom is bothered or disturbed by it, then she should probably stop it - otherwise, he'll grow out of it. When Brooke was in the stage that she wanted to sleep in our bed all the time, we broke her of it by putting her in her own bed and telling her if she lay there quietly for 20 minutes (no crying or whining) and she was still lonely she could come sleep with us. Some nights she did come sleep with us, other nights she was sound asleep before the 20 min was up. After a week or so we increased to 30 min, then 40 - it only took about 3 weeks before she was okay with sleeping in her own bed all the time.

Since then, DH has taken a job working nights so both the girls occasionally sleep in our bed and I'm fine with it. They're not dependent on it and I don't mind the extra snuggles when he's gone.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I don't know who would have written that a child doesn't outgrow it on their own that is probably the least accurate statement I have ever heard on co-sleeping I am with everybody else on this one...I have never heard of a 16 year old who comes home grabs their blankie and hops in bed with mom and dad!

amynicole21 replied:
I think this is all the more reason NOT to force him to sleep separately if it freakes him out, don't you?

coasterqueen replied:
ITA.

DansMom replied: I'd say this kid has separation issues that were not caused by the cosleeping but by prior abandonment. I would consult with a child psychologist about various ways to make him feel safe and protected throughout the day---when progress is made in general, then I'd see what can be done about helping him sleep on his own.

Obviously, I agree that cosleeping is a family decision, and I think your mom is being sensitive to the needs of this particular child, even if she overall has a different opinion about cosleeping in theory.

Mommy2Isabella replied: Don't get me wrong I am all for a family bed ... Bella co-slept until she decided she was a gymnast in her sleep, she flips all over and we just can't sleep that way.

I dont think he should be forced, but my mom is tired of it, she can't sleep that well with him in her bed. Not to mention he said on his 5th birthday he was going to start sleeping in his bed, well he just passed his 6th, so I wonder if it just wouldn't take a little help in that direction, maybe start him out sleeping on a pallat on the floor or something.

DansMom replied: When we transitioned Daniel, it was by lying down with him in his own bed until he fell asleep. Then he was allowed to join us if he woke in the middle of the night or in the morning. This went on for three years. Recently, I've been lying down with him for about five minutes and talking about the day that's ended and the day that's coming. This might help your nephew feel at ease, because it reinforces that his caregiver is planning the next day with him and plans to be there. Then I put on music and tell him I'll come check on him in a few minutes. And I do---so he knows. I leave the door to his room open as well.

moped replied: I have no clue because I don't allow it and don't want them in my bed........I am sure he would outgrow it!

luvmykids replied:
Based on this and other things you've mentioned, I think you're expecting him to behave in some ways that he truly can't....I'm not saying he should not be taught things or disciplined because of what he's been through, but that it takes a different approach and A LOT of patience. I don't mean that as a dig towards you, just that he sounds to me like he is a result of the parenting (or lack thereof) that he's gotten along the way and you can't really blame him for that. Some of the things you've mentioned that he has had to deal with are real, genuine reasons for a six year old to be insecure, scared and untrusting and I feel bad for the little guy

Mommy2Isabella replied:

Oh no, I understand and I think he has genuine reasons for why he feels that way and thats understandable. I just don't think everyone saying oh their lives are so hard is going to change anything. I don't think that, the excuse should be thrown up at ever chance but that the situation should be worked on. My mom has NEVER left him but his mom didn't either until that day so I understand his worrying about it. I COMPLETELY think that both children need to see a child psychologist and that would help with their issues but my mother only has so much money. I just wanted to get some advice as far as helping her with getting him out of her bed. But in all honesty I don't think it is going to happen until HE is ready and secure about sleeping in his own bed.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
My guess is she is bothered by it because when he stays at her mom's house he has a hard time sleeping. Why should she have to deal with the backlash of it due to his mom's decision to let it go on? KWIM? It's not fair to other people to have to deal with that. And it's really not good for him if it's traumatizing him that much that he can't sleep anywhere else. JMO.

If this just because of the co-sleeping, or are there underlaying issues with his homelife. I find it odd that he's fine with dad though, and not with mom. Or are you saying mom left and now YOUR mom is helping raise him? That says something right there. I wonder what dad does, if he's more firm??? Or am I missing something??? The more I read the more it seems like it's more than a sleeping issue. Im sorry, I'm just confused about the living arrangements.

Side note...I agree with the article, but that's JMO. I'm a hard-arse, and even though some kids would outgrow it , I don't think that's the majority at this age. Again, JMO though.

I think we had a member here who said she was afraid to sleep on her own and still as as an adult because her mom co-slept with her until a late age. Don't remember who, but someone here had that kind of backlash due to it. I hope that person pops up and speak up because it's going to bug me if I can't remember.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Ok, I read more and have to add this. I can understand that this child may seem very traumatized over his mom leaving him years ago. I don't know the whole story, but did she leave for awhile and come back? Or is she still gone and now your mom is helping to raise him along with his dad?

Anways, Troy and I went to Canada when Tanner was 2. We were gone for 10 days. After we came back Tanner was horrified if we went anywhere and acted like we we going to leave him. He was afraid to go to Sunday School,my mom and dad's which he loves, anywhere. This went on for months. We could not leave his side for a very long time, and that was only for a 10 day vacation. Yes he was much younger, but the fear is real and it really does a number on children because it confuses them. I just wanted to say that because he really could be feeling like he is afraid his mom/your mom will leave him, if that is what happened in the past. I am not sure continuing to co=sleep with him will help his situation and help him get over the fear, but if his life is very unstable I am not sure what would be the next best situation or alternative for him. Sometimes in these sensitive situations we have to take a look at it differently than what we normally would. I am not a co-sleeping parent (although Aiden tends to get his way for the last couple hours of the night), but if my children were severely traumatized I'd have a hard time living up to that hard-arse persona. I put my foot down, but I'm not heartless.

jcc64 replied: It's a personal and individual thing. In other cultures, co-sleeping is the norm. My personal belief is that night and sleep are times to feel peaceful and secure, and however that needs to happen, is fine by me. I was never allowed to visit my parents' bed as a child, and to this day, I vividly recall the sheer terror and isolation I felt in the blackness of my room. I won't do that to my kids- if they need me at night, regardless of the reason, I'm there for them.

moped replied: That is terrible Jeanne, I certainly am not that harsh........we cuddle in my bed, but he certainly can't sleep all night with me.......

holley79 replied: I allowed Annika to co sleep with me till she was 1. shortly after her 1st birthday we did the whole CIO and she has been sleeping on her own since. With that being said though, it seems like he does have some anxieties but has anyone seeked counseling for him to be able to learn to "deal" with the problem?

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Yikes, I agree. I never want my kids to live in fear of our bedroom. Tanner has nightmares, and the first thing he does is come to our room for comfort and love. I can't imagine him just laying there terrified and being afraid to come and get us. Like I said, I put my foot down, but I am not heartless.

avory&samsmom replied:
I'm in total agreement. My kids slept with me every night after my divorce. Its all about security IMHO. They are now back in their own beds, and once they were better with the situation, they didn't need to sleep with me. I think he'll be fine eventually. maybe suggest some counceling for the boy, sounds like he might benefit from it.

Cece00 replied: I dont really have any advice since we do NOT cosleep so I never had this problem. Occasionally the kids come into my bed & I just put them back in their bed & its not an issue.

has your mom gotten him some help for his abandonment issues? that might be a start, it could help.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Just want to add that in my original post I was not under the impression that he was living with your mom and the dad on weekends. I misunderstood. I'd go back and edit it, but I can't. For some odd reason I thought he was still with mom and living with dad on weekends and occassionally living with your mom. I must have misread something.

jcc64 replied: Yeah, I was a neurotic, scared little kid! The ironic thing is- though we were never allowed in my parents' bed, now her dogs are in there! Nice, huh?!

jcc64 replied: Fyi- this just happened to be in today's NY Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/23/health/2...0&ex=1193284800

Boo&BugsMom replied:
This is us...taken from the article...

"And then there is a third group that she tentatively calls circumstantial co-sleepers — parents who sleep with their children occasionally because of circumstances like sharing a bed on a family vacation, during a thunderstorm or because the child is sick.".

Mommy2Isabella replied: OK here is the run down ...

My mom is financially responsible for 2 of my sisters 3 children. My sister left her husband and her 2 children my nephew was 3 my niece was 1.

My mother pays for my nephews private schooling, any activities he does and so on and so fourth. The 2 children are with my mom monday - thursday friday their father picks up my niece from my house and my nephew from school. They stay with him until Monday morning.

My nephew ONLY has to sleep with my mom and doesn't even think to sleep with his dad. He has some serious issues, has my mother sought out help for the two children, no, she doesn't have the money to pay for counseling for them, what a lame excuse but their father can get them counseling through his insurance I just don't know if HE really realizes how much they need it.

My mom enables a lot of their behavior by making excuses, such as my niece pushing and taking and hitting Bella, she says it is because she is jealous of the love I show to Bella. And then it is dismissed. This morning for example my niece THREW A FIT because my mom wouldn't let her bring a make-up kit over here she was crying and screaming in the car, my nephew laughed at her and she threw her shoe at him, hard enough that he had a mark on his face. What punishment did she get? 4 minutes in time out, and a "if you throw anything again I will beat your butt" well, she has repeatedly hit her brother with a seatbelt buckle because he wouldn't let her sit somewhere she wanted to sit. But it is just dismissd because they have a hard life.

My sister has come back around and I think that is a HUGE cause of the recent HORRID behavior from both of them. She will be around but only for a short period of time until she is tired of taking care of them and then she disappears again to leave them confused.

Sorry for the long rant!!

* I understand WHY he co-sleeps, but at what point do you say alright thats enough, I mean I very well could see him sleeping with her well into middle school. So at what point does she put her foot down and say alright its time to be a big boy... *

Boo&BugsMom replied: Wow Jess, from the sounds of it the co-sleeping is really the least of this little guy's problems. I understand how you feel and are viewing it. Enabling and using the "hard life" excuse does not do the boy or other children any justice. They still need to be expected to have good manners, behavior, etc. regardless of how "hard" a person's life is. It can be used as an understanding in how to approach discipline, but not as a "get out of bad behavior free" card. I can see what kind of trouble these children are going through though too. It seems like none of them have consistancy in their lives...love, discipline, or otherwise, and we all know what happens when children do not have consistancy.

My2Beauties replied: I tend to agree with the others a bit BUT....I also believe your mother is enabling them. Just because a child has had a hard life doesn't mean that they don't need discipline, consistency, and to learn to soothe themselves and be at peace with being in a room by themselves. I think that if she continues to give into this behavior she may have a middle schooler in bed with her. My husband's little brother who is 11 now, still has to sleep with his parents That would drive me absolutely crazy. Ocassionally he'll fall asleep on the couch watching TV and they'll leave him there, but he never ever sleeps by hisself if he can help it. When he has friends over he'll sleep in the room with them but that's the only time. Because there are so many other issues to deal with, she needs to get to the bottom of those issues first (behavioral issues etc.) then deal with the co-sleeping.

Crystalina replied: Just a little fact: Humans are the only mammals that do not sleep with their young after birth. We have them and stick them in another room. I'm not knocking anyone who does not co-sleep (believe me I've spent a few nights on the couch where it's less crowded ) but I just find that interesting.

punkeemunkee'smom replied:
Very true! Of course we also don't lick, bite, kick, claw or EAT them either!

Mommy2Isabella replied: My nephew TRIED to sleep in his room last night, which by the way is the room RIGHT NEXT to my moms and at 8:30 he came into my moms room and said Grammy this just isn't working out, and she said ok, he went and got his pillow and up into bed with my mom he went! He doesn't even go to sleep until 9. He was probably in his room alone for 10 minutes!

ETA: I don't disagree with co-sleeping, but I think at a certain point it should be on a need basis only. I mean Bella has slept in our bed the past two nights because she was having breathing issues. But every other night she goes in her bed, if she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants me or sal, we get her and she is allowed in our bed. But I think an ALL THE TIME thing at 6 is a little much. But not to say who is wrong or right. Isaia will sleep in our bed also, I am a firm believer in attachment parenting, and co-sleeping, all the taboo subjects out there.