Crazy... Advice sincerely requested.

3xmommy wrote: Hi everyone. As you already know, I'm new... so as a short intro, I live in southern Indiana, I'm 24 years old, and I have three kids.

My kids are 5 (girl), 4 (boy), and 2 (another girl). I am having some serious problems with the older two. My youngest has begun tantrums and all of that, but she's 2... so that is just something they do... she gets angry and really can't tell me why.. so she lets all the steam out. But it's something entirely different with the other two...

They are downright mean. Not only to eachother and their baby sister, but to EVERYONE, including myself, my family members, and even people they barely know (my sister's boyfriend for one, sheesh...)! Let's bring my oldest up first. She is 5 and as stubborn as a bull. She spends ALOT of time with my mother & father at their house (which includes my two brothers, sister in law, and neice). She has begun (about... 2-3months ago) saying bad words. If she can't get her way, she will call me m-f'er, bitc*, dic*, or bastard. She will scratch me, kick me, hit me, or destroy things that I personally own in our home. She says she hates me and wants to kill me. She says this of other family members as well. She enjoys breaking things and hurting her brother. She feels no remorse. None at all. If forced to apologize, she takes a fit.

My son. He doesn't curse. But he hits. CONSTANTLY. He broke my rib two days ago by hitting me with a literal upper-cut. He hits everyone. Punches, kicks, etc. With the intention of causing harm. He usually boasts that he has done a "good move" on me.

Now. Why do I get beat up? Mainly because my children damn near outweigh me. I weigh 100lbs. My oldest weighs 76 and my son weighs 80lbs. They are both above average on height as well. (i am only 5'2... theyre both over 4'... their father is 6'4...)

So either way... what do I do? I honest to God don't know. I am not mean to my children, I do not spank my children, I just dont understand. Can anyone help me?

MIMommy99 replied: First
Your kids shouldn't hit you and should know that is bad. Second- Maybe try family counsling. You and your kids. It's not good that she says that she wants to kill you or hit you. Your kids might talk to a counsler rather than you, and be able to help them express how they feel.
They also will probably be able to help you talk to your children and help them.
If it was me I would try it. Please keep me up-dated.
Tiff

0-10andbackagain replied: Your kids shoudnt treat you this way! They shouldnt hurt you at all! I also say get some conseling. Its not to late. I know you love your kids but you need to help them and yourself. Please keep I updated! xoxoxo

mckayleesmom replied: Are they picking up the behavior from your family? I might be understanding wrong, but if thats the case I would keep them away for a while and have a talk with your family about what language they can and can't use around them as well as behavior...If that doesn't work...call Nanny 911

MommyToAshley replied: I have to agree... this sounds like extreme behavior and I would definitely look into counseling. I would do family counseling, and look for someone that specializes in child psychology. I am not sure, but I wonder if you get a referral from your physician then your insurance may cover it.

I wish you the best of luck, please really consider bringing in some professional help.

3xmommy replied: I know I have to do *something* because I mean, having one of your ribs broken by your four yr old child is just sad... their doctor has told me she believes them to have ADD and ODD... which probably plays a hand in it...


I feel so stupid though, if that makes sense. Just weak, stupid, un-mommy-ish. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I've failed because I can't handle them... it feels awful. I am going to call a counselor tomorrow morning though. I wonder what is causing it... My family does curse, or one of my brothers does at least. And I can admit to saying the bad word for poop once or twice... amazingly none of them say that one though.

Thanks for the advice and support, REALLY.

Diana

0-10andbackagain replied:

Im glad your going to talk to someone! Stick around we cant help you like you need but we can be here to talk. GOOD LUCK

MIMommy99 replied: I'm glad your going to counseling. You need professional help to get through this.
Also, keep away from bad impressions. Also, let your children know whos in charge. Please let know how counseling goes?
Tiff

MommyToAshley replied: I am glad you are going to make that call tomorrow. Please come back and let us know how it goes. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

MIMommy99 replied: Oh, If you need someone to talk I'm here for you

Celestrina replied: If your insurance won't cover counsuling, see if the county has a program that would help. It might have a program that would be fully covered without going through your insurance. Check with your pediatrician for this type of program.

MIMommy99 replied: I know that some places if you don't have insurance they have a sliding fee and they go by your income that you woulda made last year and base it on that.

DVFlyer replied: Forgive me for being uninformed. An 80lb 4 year old? Wow! That sounds like a BIG boy. And he broke your rib?! That's no easy task to do with a punch. Maybe a drop kick

Your situation sounds very extreme. Some uneducated suggestions:

First thing to do is establish control in the household. You are the mom and what you say goes. End of story. I'm assuming your husband agrees with you about the situation being out of control. Bad behavior will result in things being taken away. Good behavior will be rewarded with some sort of system (saw this on Nanny 911) like putting beads in a jar. When they get a certain amount of "good" beads, they get a reward like a pizza party or whatever.

Absolutely no hitting.

Take all of the sugar out of the house.

The kids (in my opinion, of course) are learning that lanquage from somewhere. Whether it's at your parents, inlaws, friends, TV etc. They heard it somewhere. They need to understand it is unacceptable.

It seems like there are a LOT of ADD etc kids out there. Maybe it's because it went undiagnosed, maybe it's a fluke, but that seems to be an easy excuse these days (knocking on wood). I'd tend to think I could correct the behavior with discipline.

Understand this may take a while (and might get worse) until it gets better. I wish you luck figuring this out.

Josie83 replied:
I can understand why that would hurt. I'm 21 and I only weigh 115 pounds I think DV Flyer's giving you a lot of good suggestions. Definitely cut out sugar and Enumbers. Make sure they're able to take their agression out on something else, ie karate, running around outside etc. Not too many fizzy drinks etc. And swearing is not acceptable! Kids don't just make these words up, they must hear them from somehwere. If I were you I'd find out where and make sure its cut out. If its your family, have a talk to them and explain why you think its unacceptable! Good luck! xx

3xmommy replied: Thanks DV, those ideas are great. I bet my kids would go for it as well... going to brainstorm tonight and begin tomorrow.

I can admit to severely spoiling my children, I always said I would never ever do it, but I have. Anything they want, they get... hell, the four yr old owns his very own Xbox and Gamecube (plus Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, and a Playstation)... God, it's no wonder they're mega mean half the time... they've not had to earn anything.

How about that. Having an epiphany (is that how you spell it? hrm.) right in the middle of typing. You know what? Screw toys. Mommy gets a new pair of shoes this week! (been wearing the same for... 4 years now) Sheesh. I'm sorry about blundering you guys.

I'm so so glad I found this site... Ill try to post a picture of my kids next post... hopefully I can figure it out... lol

Diana

MIMommy99 replied: I don't think spoiling your kids makes them abusive. All though that is alot for a four year old. All though if you give in to them every time and now you don't thats going to make them mad. Did you go to counseling?

party-of-six replied: I would highly recommend calling your pediatrician and having a complete work up done. That is NOT normal behavior at all. There may be a chemical imbalance somewhere making them behave the way they are.
I would also recommend family counseling and I personally, I would talk to your local police dept. If your kids harm someone as you are mentioning, charges may be pressed. It may be time to start a little bit of tough love.

My story: My oldest is bi-polar. She used to be INCREDIBLY violent towards her family. We took her to a shrink FINALLY got a diagnosis after 10 years of abuse at her hands, got her the medication help she needed, but the violence was such an 'embedded' part of her personality that it was hard for her to stop. I started calling the police. I pressed charges against her. DH has pressed charges against her. She has been before a judge and was sentenced to 10 hours community service for striking me. Now that she is 16, she will go to jail the next time she hits us. Since we took 'our stand' and have not backed down.....she is able to control herself beautifully. Now, when my child has a 'bi-polar moment' they are much calmer and briefer. Tough love hurts....but it sometimes has to be done.

Once one of your children hurts someone seriously, there may be nothing you can do, especially if they are older. I can tell you that if they are capable of breaking an adult womans ribs, they can break an arm of another child or worse. If my child was damaged in such a way, I would be coming after the parent for medical and punative damages. I would highly recommend medical intervention, medication therapy and psycho-therapy if needed, and start documenting the violence with your local police dept. You may be looking at a long tough road, but you can turn things around.

I wish you luck.

party-of-six replied:
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Okay....in all seriousness, this does sound like bi-polar disorder.....or at the very least ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).....please contact your pediatrician for a referral to a pediatric psychiartrist to have them looked at.