Daughter dating

Tim58 wrote: Hi,

We live in the UK with our 15 year old daughter. She has a boyfriend who she has been dating for a month. At weekends we allow her to see him all saturday. We limit it because she is in such an important school year with exams etc

Last Sunday she told my wife she was at a girlfriends and they were doing homework but infact she went to the boy's house. My wife was suspicious and phoned the girls and boyfriends parents.

My wife has grounded her for just one weekend as punishment. My daughter then gave her a load of back chat and even used profanity.

Do you think that she should be allowed to date at 15. Are we being too tough in limiting weekend dating to the Saturday. For the profanity and answering back my wife is making her write an essay.

Thanks

Tim

mckayleesmom replied: Personally...I would have grounded her for longer....and especially after the back talking. Do you actually let her go places with him or does he just come to your house or vise versa? Personally...she would have lost going out privelleges for a while...if none at all. I think she is too young personally to go anywhere with a boy if its not in a group setting...but that is just my opinion. Dating should also be considered a privellege when she is under age and she doesn't sound responsible enough to be dating if she can't be trusted or be respectful to her mother and father.

PrairieMom replied: Back chat and profanity would have gotten me at least 2 months with no phone or car. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 either.

Tim58 replied: She's brought her boyfriend back a couple of times and also been to the mall and cinema - just the two of the. I just mentioned both your comments to my wife. Shes increased the grounding to two weekends. In addition she will set our daughter two separate 2,000 word essays on 'respect' and 'profanity'. My wifes sorely tempted to set her another one on 'deceit' lol

I must say its great to get advice on these boards, so thanks. I don't suppose our daughter will be so grateful though. The essays are going to be hard work but I guess she might not answer back so readily again.

Tim

mckayleesmom replied: That sounds better....Im only 25...so not a teenager too long ago and I would have never talked back to my mom.

PhiMuMommy replied: i'm only 21 and i was a wild child at 15.. i did lie to my mom and was allowed to date.. but.. i also had a baby right out of high school.. (and had a FEW pregnancy scares in high school) so in MY opinion having been in your daughters shoes and having retrospect factor..

you sound like awesome parents that care alot about your girls future. i would definantly restrict her dating if you even let it continue.. i think you should let her know that if she disrespects you guys and lies to you anymore then she will find herself not dating until she "grows up". i would allow the boy to come over and spend time with her at your house and only at your house. dont' sit in the room with them or anything.. but doors open and only there. until she earns her trust back.

but on her side.. i think that maybe he could come over for dinner during the week a couple times? or allow phone time each night or ever other night.. becuase face it .. puppy love or not... you REALLLY want to talk to the person.. ya know?

Tim58 replied: Thanks for all the great advice so far. My wife will tell our daughter its two weekends grounding in the morning. She's told me to get a pad of paper from work tomorrow. lol. She'll let our daughter start the essays on the friday nights as they are so time consuming.

Tim

CantWait replied: I don't 15 is to young to start dating at all. I also think that limiting to the weekends is a good idea, maybe allow Sundays as well. The weekends are a chance for your daughter to get away from school and have doing what she wants.

I do agree however that back talking, and using profanity isn't acceptable. Your wife has a really great idea making her write an essay as punishment.

CantWait replied: I wouldn't increase it to 2 weekends or 2 essays now that you've already told her 1. This is just showing her that you're going back on your word, and it shows indesisivness (sp?). If I were her, I'd be asking if it would be yet increased yet again and would show a lack of trust in you.

gr33n3y3z replied:
but if she flips off at the mouth you can add more bc she didnt learn her lesson

SOUTHERN MOMMY replied:
ITA with you both. Everyone has really said anything that i would have. But
GOOD LUCK

jcc64 replied: Ah, lying and adolescence, they go together like, uh, well, couldn't really find an appropriate analogy, but they do seem inextricably tied together more often than we parents would like to admit.
My oldest is 13, a boy, and not quite into the dating thing yet, thankfully. I guess most of my frame of reference comes more from my own experiences as a teenager. I lied ALOT to my parents, which of course I now regret, but I do believe the structure of our family sort of necessitated it, or so I felt at the time. My parents were good, informed, involved parents with lots of knowledge about the habits of teenagers (they were both high school teachers). However, in their efforts to keep me out of trouble (which I never was in, to begin with), they imposed ALOT of rules, some of which were unnecessarily strict, imo. In order to simply stay involved in the comings and goings of my friends who had far more freedom than myself, I became very creative about what I told my parents and what I didn't. Had there been a little more trust on their part initially, perhaps we could have had a more open, honest relationship.
I guess what I'm saying is- give your dd the opportunity to show that she's trustworthy, until she does something to prove that she isn't deserving of it. (which I guess, she just did). Now she needs to earn it back, a little at a time. By not lying, by not being blatantly disrespectful (which is a big deal breaker, in my opinion), by generally showing that she is mature enough to handle the freedom she believes she's entitled to. Does she carry a cell phone or a pager? You could demand that she check in regularly. Ask her to bring the boy around more often, so you can get a sense of what he's all about. Tell her you're watching very closely now, she's not going to outfox you, and any further deceits on her part will result in more limitations on her freedoms.
I guess I don't think 15 is too young to start "dating", as long as you keep a close eye on her. And as long as she understands that it's a priviledge, and she needs to conduct herself accordingly.
I'm also a big fan of essays- my 10 yr old just delivered me one on "Bad Sportsmanship". But clearly you need more weapons in your arsenal if the behaviour you're trying to correct is continuing.
Good luck, and keep posting. Nice to have some dads here.

Tim58 replied: I'm much softer than my wife. I did suggest today that we let our daughter off with one weekends grounding. However my wife believes that the answering back and swearing at her deserves the double grounding and essays. I got a pad of paper from work today much to the delight of the women I work with who think its richly deserved.

Tim

MM'sMama replied: I'm not going to offer any advice because well I wouldn't be in the right lol. But I do think the whole weekend dating is a great idea! And I do agree with whats been said above as far as punishing.

But I just wanted to say good luck!

USMCwife replied: This is what I have to look forward to! lol

My daughter is only 5, but I am sure I will be in your shoes one day and it scares me to death.
I wasnt allowed to date as far as going out on dates until I was 16. My b/f was allowed to come to my house a couple times a week and on weekends. We were not allowed to be in my bedroom or any bedroom for that matter. We usually just shot pool at the house.

I will let Eden (my dd) go out on dates when she is 16, I think that is a good age.