Did I give her the right advice

mckayleesmom wrote: Ok...a little backround. Before me and dh got married his younger sister (17) at the time found out she was pregnant. The guy she got pregnant by was Black and dh's new stepdad is very against interacial relationships. Heck...he is just racist. When everyone found out Rachell was pregnant they tried pressuring her into haveing an abortion or putting up the baby for adoption. MIL came and asked me what I thought...I told her that Rachell had to make her own choice and if they pressured her to do something she didn't want then she would hate them. In the end Rachell gave birth to a little girl Dessiree (Desi) . Desi did grow on Bob. Rachell took Desi and moved to South Carolina with her new boyfriend for 2 years. About six months ago her boyfriend beat the snockers out of her and purposely crashed her car. Rachell was admitted to the hospital for a couple days and when she got out..he beat her up again that day when she went to pick up her stuff. He went to Jail...MIL went and got Rachell and desi and moved them to her house in Missori. This was suppose to be till she got back up on her feet. This was 6 months ago. I was talking to MIL yesterday on YIM and she told me that her and her husband were fighting big time about her husband wanting to make Rachell and desi move out. He was also making racist remarks about Desi all of the sudden. I talked to her a little bit about ways to make the situation better. Then she had to go....today she pmed me and told me she wrote an email to me for my advice....Here is her email and my advice back to her.

HER EMAIL
don't know what to think of Bob and his mind. Either he has lost it or he is a big con, and is back tracking like hell because I am standing my ground for once. He NOW says that it isn't Desi he is ashamed of it's Rachelle. He thinks Rachelle is the worlds worst mother. She yells at Desi continuously (true), she belittles her (true), hits before dealing with the problem (true), waits for me to brush teeth, hair, give a bath and potty train (true, true, true). Doesn't read to her (true), doesn't teach colors, numbers, or proper words (true again). Feeds her junk food instead of good nutritious food (true). On Rachelle...She listens to ghetto rap loudly (true) surrounds herself with "black" people (true) she talks "black" ( I don't know what that means, but she does use the slang and on the phone you wouldn't know she was white??) instead of buying good durable clothes she buys her Phat Pharm, Ekko? and " hootchie" clothes (true), buys her "black" dolls instead of white. ( all
> true). That embarrasses him. He said that it breaks his heart daily, the yelling stresses him out, and he feels that we have to balance out Desi's life in a normal way. He said it hurts him to know that Desi's head is getting messed up. He said he loves her and wants the best for her. His solution? He wants Rachelle to turn custody over to us until she get her life on track and grows up enough to be a decent parent, by taking parenting classes, anger management, and nutrition classes. He thinks by letting this behavior go on that Desi will grow up to be another statistic? He thinks he went overboard by saying the things he did, but he was so emotionally tied into this that he couldn't think or see clearly. He wanted to run instead of face this head on because he has never had to deal or see this kind of behavior toward a child. After thinking about it, this is the only solution he could come up with. I was dumbfounded. I sat with my mouth open, this came completely from left Field.
> I knew all that about Rachelle and her lack of parenting skills. I just chalked it up to being young. I try to show her the proper way to raise a child. But I can do that, I am 46. I probably made some of the same mistakes when I was a young mother.But, to be honest Rachelle isn't picking it up to fast. She is lazy when it comes to parenting and feels it's easier to yell then get up and deal with the problem. She puts the baby gate up to her room and allows Desi to play and watch TV till Rachelle decides to get out of bed, sometimes around noon. I end up feeding breakfast, changing her night diaper, and entertaining her till mom gets out of bed. I figured she was tired from all the working hours. But Bob said that that's the responsibility of a parent, sometimes you sacrifice sleep to take proper care of your child. He thinks the reason for Rachelle working so much is because she wants to escape Desi, and her responsibilities. She can go and hang out with "the bar" crowd at night,
> and play with puppies during the day. She is putting Desi in daycare on her days off so that she has some "free time". She has been here for 6 months and has not saved a dime to move out or buy a car, but has a lot of expensive nice clothes. He thinks she should go get on state assistance to help with school, rent, and health insurance. Rachelle won't cuz she considers it "welfare" and is to good for it. Bob feels she thinks of us as the ones that should provide it all. She refuses to track down the father of Desi, cuz she is afraid he will want to see her. And that she can do it without his help. Yet, expects us to provide, food utilities and a nice place to live. All this added up to a big mind blow out, and he feels he handled it badly, Ya think? He wants custody of Desi and for Rachelle to move out on her own. In short he thinks that Rachelle will never grow up because I enable her. That we are not talking about a puppy that is not being fed or taken outside, we are talking
> about a human life that has MY blood running through her veins. He feels that if social services knew what he did about Rachelle and the kind of mother she was, they would remove Desi from the home. He said I know all this, yet I allow it to go on. He thought I didn't care. I don't know what to say? I need to digest it all before I can give Bob any of the answers he needs. I understand and respect how he feels, but as a mom I need to do what's best for EVERYBODY. If you have any opinions, I would relish them about now. Terri
>

mckayleesmom replied: MY RESPONSE

I agree with Bob in alot of ways...now that I know more of the story. I didn't realize that Rachelle neglected Desi like that. But I can also understand that you are in a bad position with it all. Desi is Rachells baby, but Rachell is still you baby also. I would sit down and have a huge discussion with Rachell about her responsibilities and her actions lately. Give her a chance to correct herself at least. I said the other day that you should disscuss with her a timeline for her to get back on her feet. You didn't agree and I understand that, but at the same time..the longer you let her stay the more she is going to become dependent on you...especially to take care of Desi. Desi will also be confused when they move because she isn't use to her mother taking care of her. Her unwillingness to get state assistance is very selfish on her part in my opinion. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Desi and Rachell are intitled to that..especially if the father isn't paying support. What is the difference if it comes from the state or from you guys? Either way its help with shelter, food, daycare...etc... If she had assistance she could spend sooo much more time with Desi instead of working another job. Her baby is only going to be one once and that is the most precious time. She is going to regret not remembering those moments because she wasn't there...but it will be too late by then..you can't go back. I know you said that you were worried about her self esteem if you made her move out....it might actually do the opposite. She would have the satisfaction of knowing that she did it on her own. As a parent backed up in a corner...I know that any mother is going to defend and back up her child...but at the same time we make excuses for them too. I think Bob has alot of great points and so do you, but I think that Rachell is alot stronger of a person then you think she is. Just remember the girl that fought you tooth and nail to have and keep Dessiree. Nobody thought that she could do it and she swore up and down that she could...make her prove it to you. As for Bob....he needs to wipe any racist language he knows out of his vocabulary. When I heard the things he says I prayed that he doesn't say them in front of that little girl or anywhere where she can here. Desi is not just a black mans child...she is family. Ok...Im done yammering. Also..go online and check in your area for single parent groups or playgroups for desi...I know out here they have parent groups that discuss how to deal with certain things at a certain age...you bring the kids and they play....Its kind of like a parenting class.

mammag replied: I agree that she should either be asked to leave or start paying and taking care of her child.

She says she's too proud to go on welfare (I'm not a proponent of the system unless truly needed....don't know the specifics to make judgement here) but she isn't too proud to use her parents assistance. I don't see too much of a difference it's just a matter of mom & dad paying or tax payers. Where is her pride when mom & dad are taking care of her child??

I would just be careful about letting yourself be drawn into the argument between mil & fil. It could get messy for you. However they decide to handle it needs to be a decision between them.

Overall, I agree with your advice.

JessC replied: WOW I cannot believe all that. She should teach her some things. That is always a good thing, that is something my brother doesnt do either and it just bugs the hell outta me. Its like how is some kid gonna learn anything before kindergarden if you DONT teach them.

I mean I even now that, and I am younger that he is!

Yeah he seriously shouldnt be racist either. I really hate when people make comments like that it annoys me.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: That is just SOOO wrong, on SOOO many levels.....

I feel badly for the child. That's all I have to say.....

Boys r us replied: I think you gave her good advice. Her mother IS enabling her behavior. Also, her daughter is grown now and I am a firm believer that grown children CANNOT be allowed to come between a marriage. Your sister in law needs to do some serious growing up. I'm sure from the way it sounds your MIL's husband said some things he shouldn't have and that is wrong, but the things your MIL told you in this email make it sound as though he's truely concerned for this little girl..he must not be TOO big of a racist if he's willing to raise her as his "own" until Rachelle can get it together!

Alice replied: I think you gave great advice!!

CCTandME replied: Ummmmm!! WOW! I agree w/ you in talking to her and giving her a chance to right her wrong. I can see the mothers point that it's her child, whether an adult or a yooung child. She is enabling her daughter from what you wrote. It's hard to let go. As long as they let her "get away" with it, she will continue to use them.
I agree w/ the stepfather on alot of issues (NOT racism though). If it would give Desi a better chance at life, then as hard as it may seem to her mom, they should get custody and have the daughter leave until she can prove herself.
Is her mom afraid to do that because she doubts her daughter will change? She knows whats best for Desi, but doesn't want to lose her own daughter.
Good luck to them. Especially little Desi!!

mckayleesmom replied: I think he was a big time racist before Desi...When Desi came along he changed his views in alot of ways because he fell in love with that little girl. Now I think he makes the comments because he wants to get at Rachell...which isn't right. He just can't say those things. I told My husband last night that I hope he doesn't say those things in front of her (according to his mom he doesn't ,,,just to her when they are fighting with Rachell or about Rachell)....Either way...it needs to stop...shes a baby who didn't get to pick her race or mother for that matter.

mckayleesmom replied:
I think that she thinks that even if they did sit down with her and talk with her..she wouldn't change her ways.

mammag replied: Another thing....they need to make her get up and take care of her instead of letting her sleep. If they aren't ready to make her move out they could start by making her do "mommy" things and making her pay even a small amount.

If the guy hit her and put her in the hospital couldn't they make him pay child support but not be allowed to visit with her? (I'm clueless about that but just got to thinking about it)

mckayleesmom replied:
The guy that beat her up is not Desi's biological father. Desi's biological dad was like 25 when Rachell was 16 and sleeping with her. She admitted that she lied to him about her age though. She told him she was 19. He doesn't want anything to do with Desi and apparently isn't a very nice guy. Another reason Rachell doesn't want to go on assistance is because they will go after him for child support and if he pays child support he might want visitation. He has never seen Desi and never contacted Rachell since he found out she was pregnant.

kimberley replied: what a sad situation for that little girl . i agree with your advice 100%. i hope it all works out.

My2Beauties replied: That is a really sad situation! I think you gave good advice, they are just feeding into her poor parenting skills by letting her sleep and not spend time with Desi! I'm sorry all of this is going on around such a small child...it's sad really!

mckayleesmom replied: BTW...sorry for using the N word in my post. I do not like that word and was not using it as my own...in that statement I was referring to it and the black man comment as something FIL said to MIL. NOT MY WORDS....thanks Kimberly for deleting it. I was coming back on to do that when I saw your pm.

DVFlyer replied: Another child brought into the world by an unprepared family/ parent. I am truly saddened by this.

I did not read the whole post, but from the responses, it would seem you gave very good advice. One thing I'd point out is to make sure the sender of that e-mail knew you were going to post their e-mail. If they found out on their own, that might cause more problems.

I heard a quote somewhere that seems to relate to this situation. It pertained to how people never change until they hit rock bottom and went something like this and :

"Some people will never hit rock bottom because people keeping throwing them shovels"

gr33n3y3z replied: I hope everything works out for that little girl bc she didnt ask for any of this.

And from what little I read from your post it sounded like you gave good advice.

A&A'smommy replied: ugh i HATE racism SO much I see so much of it and its so sad... as far as Rachell she needs to GROW up I did it so I know she can do it... I understand its probably harder and scarier for her because its just her and Desi but she can do it!! I understand not wanting to see the real father but Desi and deserve to have that chance just like Rachell deserves to have another chance to grow up. Anyway I think you said exactly what I would have said I hope it all works for her and Desi!