Dilemma about MIL

Hillbilly Housewife wrote: So I have a history with my MIL.... I can't get into all the details, I'd be typing for days and days.

But....Zach's 1 year birthday party is coming up. I'm planning on doing one at my dad's house, so that I can invite my dad's fmaily (like they'd come, but oh well...) and Zach's *friends* where my dad lives.

Then I'm doing one for people here. As in my mom, my grandparents, our friends, and the people from the palygroup his sitter takes him to every week.

I don't want to invite my MIL. I REALLY don't. DH does. The problem is, I *KNOW* that MIl will ruin the party. She ruins everything. She'll pitch a fit, or she'll make a big scene, or she'll try to make herself the center of attention. She does this EVERYTIME there's more than 3 people in the same room as her. Ugh. Makes me sick.

I'm probably going to have the party at my mom's house, just because her house is bigger, there is a HUGE backyard, and there's a deck. I also *KNOW* that MIL is going to stop by ON his b-day (it's on a Saturday) to say hello. Without calling, like she always does - we've asked her dozens of times to call before coming over...it got to the point that I didn't answer the door anymore if I wasn't expecting her.

Sooo....by not being home, she'll surely figure it out that we're at my mom's, and she's going to come and crash the party.

What should I do? Invite her and hope for the best? or just ignore her? I'd LIKE to ignore her, but DH syas *well she IS his grandmother*. I can see his point, but I really *don't* care. kwim?

What would you suggest?

Schnoogly replied: Can you lie to MIL and say you're having a small party in the morning of his birthday, and just invite her and like 2 other people for a couple hours in the morning, and then have the big party in the afternoon?? That way she'll think she got to go to the party but she won't ruin the big one! Or do it on a different day, pretend you have something else you have to do on the day of the real party.

Steph

Mommieto2Girls replied: I like the make another party idea so she can't ruin the real one.

booey2 replied: That does sound like a good idea however you have be careful that she doesn't find out about the other one or she may be worse to deal with at that point. You could just invite her and ignore her. Hugs to you.

mckayleesmom replied: There would be a problem with the second party thing though,,what if she decides to stick around for the day,,,then you wouldn't be able to get rid of her. I would just invite her to the party and warn people that she is a wacko so to just ignore her..he he...At least it won't be as enbarrasing cause you know they are expecting it. Plus it will give you something to gossip about later on and vent about her to release stress...lol

amynicole21 replied: Honestly, it sounds way too risky not to invite her to the real deal. If she can't control herself, maybe DH should pull her to the side and set her straight. If you don't invite her, she's bound to find out about it somehow and you'll never live it down.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Ha haha ha haha aha hha a ha aha haaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if DH could do that... I wouldn,t be having this dilemma.

ediep replied: I would invite her to the real party, even though the other party sounds like a good idea, I'd be chicken that she's find out. Expect the worst and maybe she'll surprise you by not being insane!

Mommieto2Girls replied: Yeah, I guess it would probley be worse if she found out about the real party and then all hell would probley break loose. You could just tell everyone as they arrive that nutso is here and if she starts acting up to just ignore her. Hopefully everyone will understand and try to have a good time anyway. If it gets to bad then take her to another room and tell her how you feel and if she can't act like a adult on her grandsons birthday party then she is welcome to leave so she doesn't ruin HIS day. That's what I would tell her. Good luck with what you decide to do.

Kaitlin'smom replied: ya your probably gonna have to invite her to the real party. She will find out if you dont. Honistly if I had that hard of a time with my MIL I would tell her she is welcome but its Zachs day and not hers, and if she makes a scene she will be asked to leave! (maybe forced to) Do your best not to let her runion Zachs day. Sounds like it will be hard but if you tell her upfront maybe, just maybe she will kinda behave. I hope for your and Zachs sake.

now on the flip side dont invite her at all and if she makes a stink about it tell her this is exactually why she was not invited, and that you were not about to runion Zachs birthday! you can also tell her that she is welcome to come to events but you will not be told what to do with your own child and if she does not like it then she will not see him! (soory thats my BIL's attitude)


PS cute new advitar!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Some language.... reader beware

She really is psychotic.

****************

At DH's birthday in April, she showed up unnexpectedly. No problem...it's her son's b-day, she's allowed to wish him happy b-day...We weren't having a party or anything, but we were having a late dinner (it was about 7:30, Zach had been in bed since about 7:10), with steak, potatoes, salad, rolls, wine, nice music, candles, the whole deal, and we had 2 other couple with us. We were all dressed nicely, because we were planning on dancing in the yard afterwards, with candles and soft music. So...we were all in the dining room eating, and DH gets up to get the second bottle of wine from the freezer (a bottle for 6 people goes by quickly - we're not drunks!!)

While he was in the kitchen, the front door SLAMS open, and you hear "Ste-PHANE!!!!!!!!!!!!". She barged into our house, YELLING, after 7, when she KNOWS Zach is usually sleeping, or trying to sleep. Mistake number 1.

Then she starts babbling on about how HE should have called HER, yadda yadda, why is he dressed like a dork, yadda yadda. In the meatime, I'm getting angry, and our guests are trying not to laugh. So I get up, and I go to the entrance, where DH and his mom are standing. I grab DH's arm, and kinda pull him back a little so that I am right in her face. I say:

"It's great that you took the time to wish DH a happy b-day. Now if you don,t mind, we were having dinner. See you maybe next weekend."

She says:

"Oh Great! What are you having?" and pushes past me to get to the dining room.

I give a *look* to DH, and he goes to try to get his mom to leave. She's sitting at DH's place at the table, and she's picking at the salad with her fingers. Eating croutons. DH asks her if she'd mind giving us the privacy we were enjoying, and she says:

"Oh don't mind me, you won't even notice I'm here."

So she gets up, walks the 10 or so feet to the couch, picks up the remote controller, turns on the tv, and start flipping through channels. She turns the volume up. So we're all trying to ignore her, and she gets bored, gets up, and RUNS up the stairs to go see Zach. As if trying not to be noticed...she sounded like an elephant!!!! So both DH and I get up, and I'm trying to apologize to our friends for MIL's behavoir, and DH goes upstairs to stop her from waking up the baby.

So here's our perspective...we're downstairs, and we can hear EVERYTHING through the monitor. I mean EVERYTHING. Cripes we can hear Zach breathing even if we're watching tv not too loudly....

So DH says something like: "mom you need to leave. We're trying to celebrate with our friends."

She says: "How come I wasn't invited? You never invite me anymore. Ever since Zach was 3 months old. It's like you're trying to avoid me. She's making you stay home, isn,t she....."

DH: "No mom. You,re just too overbearing sometimes. DW and I need to spend time together too you konw. It's been tough, with her working all week, and I work all weekend..."

She cuts him off, and says: "So she's more important than me now? Figures."

DH: "Mom, put the baby back in his crib, let's go downstairs."

MIL: "No. This is the only time I get to see my grandson. Imagine...I have to sneak around to see him."

DH: "I'd really like for you to leave please."

Mil: "I'll leave when I'm good and ready. You should go back to your wiiii-iiiii-fe. (wife was said with this little snotty undertone...kinda nasally, and draggin on.)

At this point, I'd had enough. I go upstairs, and I say:

"MIL, I hope you realize that everything you just said was heard downstairs through Zach's monitor. DH has asked you nicely to leave, I'm going to ask you nicely to leave, the 2nd time I might ask a little rougher. Leave. Now."

I took Zach from her arms, put him back in his crb. He starts to wake up, so I look at DH, and he gets the point to put him back to sleep. I follow MIL down the stairs. When we get to the dining room, she snickers, and says:

"see what a bitch she is?"

So I grabbed her arm, and I pulled her to the door. I told her it was the last time I would tolerate any bullshit from her, and that maybe if she'd look at what happened over the last 15 minutes, she'd realize why we never ask her anywhere. Then I push her outside, she almost trips, and I smal the door and lock it. She yelled something, I don,t know what it was, nor do I care.

******************

This is the kind of thing that I don't want her to pull. Most of our friends and family KNOW she's psycho, most have witnessed it, I just hate having to be bitchy with her in front of people. I'm not a mean person...but she just really yanks my chain.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: And thanks! I really like his messy messy face!

amynicole21 replied: Yikes. She is disturbed. I see your point about not wanting her there. It's a tough situation.

Mommieto2Girls replied: The only other thing would be is just not invite her, and if DH wants her there then he should have to invite her, and I would make it be known that if she shows up then he will have to deal with her. If he can't deal with her then tell him maybe he shouldn't invite her then.
Thank god my MIL isn't like that , I would just die. But we all have that one special person in our familys to make life a little miserable. lol

Kaitlin'smom replied: wow how rude! I would deffinalty keep the door locked!

IMO I probably would not invite her, just so his day is not spoiled.

I am so thankful my MIL is not like that! wheew!

this is a tough one though.....

CantWait replied: I understand your MIL is WAY overbearing and sadistic even, but lying to her and not inviting will only drive a wedge between you and your DH, I can't imagine it isn't already. And like your dh said, it is his mother.
Good Luck with the party, wish I had some advice for you. I couldn't imagine going through that.
Has she ever explained why she's such an itch in the pants???
Hugs to ya

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Unfortunately, every time we've approached her to nicely tell her (or not so nicely) to back off.... she doesn't think she acts the way she does, she thinks we're exagerrating.

We're not about to corner her with witness either. I just don't care enough to do that...although it would give me incredible satisfaction.

Her *amswer* is always something along the lines of: *my parents were the same way. It's a part of growing up with parents. Just let me do what I do.*

So I jsut want to her.

catou_98 replied: Yikes, I don't have any advice for ya! just wanted to offer a hug! I just hope you can firgure this out!

OklahomaSooners replied: I'd have the party.. not invite her.. and if she finds out.. tell her in the same snotty tone....


His Wiiiiiiiiife told him not to invite you. See What a Bitch I am?

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I'm thinking....that I'm going to let DH deal with it. Maybe he'll *forget* to invite her, assuming that I've taken care of it.... and then, if I get confronted, I'll just say that DH was supposed to handle his side of the family. It's not *my* fault if he'd forget. I had too much on my mind to worry about making sure she got an invitation...what with the food to plan, the party favors to make, decorations, cake, balloons etc etc etc....

.......and just walk away.

And if he DOES invite her.... well.... I'm going have a 8damage control crew* there. I was talking with a few of my friends yesterday, and they've agreed that they are going to try to stay between me and MIL at all times. When they see her approaching me and Zach, they'll gather up and strike up a conversation right in fron of her, stalling her for a minute, which is just enough time for me to move on.

If she gets pissy, DH will be sicked on her. If she starts making a scene, my MOM agreed to tell her to leave, she will not tolerate her behavior in her house. My mom is awesome!!!

So......worry free planning. I just feel bad for FIL...he tries to stay out of his wife's business....but he ends up losing out, because if she's not allowed...he's not allowed. I'd LOVE to visit with my FIL more often.... without MIL being there.

MommyToAshley replied: That's a tough one. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I would probably invite her, but have the DH on notice to get rid of her at the first sign of any trouble.

Whatever you do, try not to let it ruin Zack's or your day because then she's gotten what she wants.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Oh I am planning on it. I'm not even going to TALK to her. If, by chance, she does come near me, I'm just going to walk away. If she gets too cranky and DEMANDS to see Zach... DH can deal with it. I'm planning on doing a 3 to 5 kind of thing for his B-day, and then people who want to stay later can be in on a pot-luck dinner. It's HIS day. Nobody will get to be the one to hold him the whoelt ime.... he'll be playing with other kids, eating cake, and trying to unwrap his presents. Afterwards, I'm going to take pictures, and give everyone their party favors.

AFTER THAT, Zach's probably going to be tired, so he may take a nap. During his nap, evertyone who wants to stay later, who brought some food (as per what the invitations will say) can stay, and we can continue into the evening!

I'm not going to be the one telling her to leave, DH or my mom will...so I'm not worried anymore. SHe can't ruin anything else for me if I don't let her bother me, right?

victoire2002 replied:
So true. Women with MONSTERS in laws unite!! I have one, too! If you invite her to the party, think of all the potential bits of fun you can have with her behavior. My MIL is seriously like this too. It caused me quite a bit of pain at our wedding, but thankfully I haven't seen her since that time. She lives in another country, so we only see her every couple of years. If I had to deal with her daily, I might not be here right now!! ha ha

If it were me, I would probably try to have something "special and intimate" for her and her grandson... a little get together the day before or several days before. It's a shame that she would drop in at your mother's house uninvited. If she does, she will have to be embarassed because you made a special effort to host something for her the day before.

HTH!

Vicki

supermom replied: Definately sounds like you've got a plan for sure!! That sounds like a reasonable plan, and then you can not worry about her feeling left out, etc, etc......

I am also glad my MIL lives in another country - it's been two years since I've seen her and looks like it will be at least one more before I am forced to deal with her again!! (YAH!!)

Enjoy yourself, have a good time, and just do what you are planning - ignore her!!



Oh, and I forgot - really cute Avitar of messy boy - teehee!!

Schnoogly replied: Zach's mom, your MIL makes mine look like a freakin' picnic! I thought mine was bad with her endless crying and guilt trips and loser ex-con husband...and of course the manic depression.

But yours almost makes me feel lucky!! Maybe she'll decide to move to Vancouver or something? You can always hope

Steph

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
That's pretty funny actually.... DH's brother and HIS wife moved to Alberta last summer (Cold Lake).... DH got offered a transfer from Montreal, and he JUMPED at the offer, since it would mean he's a 3 day drive away from his mom instead of a 90 minute one!!

In a few years, MIL and FIL will be retiring...meaning they've already sold their house, they're renting an apartment for now, but they're living in their trailer park (It's a big campground, not an actual trailer park *town*...). When they actually retire, they will be travelling to Florida for the winter, and travelling between Alberta, here and Quebec. Meaning I<ll only HAVE to see her maybe twice a year.

Woo!