Do you ever feel....

holley79 wrote: Lately I have been about to cry about anything and I have been biting DH's head off. I have been trying to be so positive when I am around people and when I am on the board. It's like I'm over it though. I cry for no reason and it's about to get on my nerves. This is worse then when I was pregnant. I think I'm out of the woods for the post partum stuff but I just don't know. Anyone says a simple thing like (yesterday) a guy asked, "Is this your daughter's first Easter?" My eyes started burning and it took great pains to keep from crying. I feel like I am totally loosing it.

Please someone tell me this is totally normal. If it isn't then I need to go see someone. I can't keep feeling this way. This should be the happiest time of my life and I should be enjoying it but I don't seem to be able to. Maybe I am just exhausted. I don't even feel like I have recovered from my long week and here I am starting a new long week. This week I work Mon- Tues (6p- 6a) then off on Wed, work Thur- Sat (usually it's Sunday also but I took it off) (6p till 6a). Then of course I'm up with her all day. I'm so afraid I'm going to have to admit defeat and get some daytime help. I don't want to put Annika in daycare but I'm no good to her if I can't function.

Then of course I go off on DH for the littlest things, which leads back to the exhaustion I think. Shawn came home and was going to go take a nap. Well HELLO I have to work tonight. I, of course, am like go ahead. I mean it's almost like he doesn't have a freaking clue. It's almost like he expects me to be Super Woman or something. As much as I would like to think that I am, I'm not. I went off on him yesterday because I asked him to watch Annika so I could take a little nap. I had been up with her since O Dark 30 playing with her, getting stuff done around the house. We got back from the Easter Bunny and he went and took a nap. Well he got up after about an hour and took care of the yard. Annika was getting cranky so I put her in bed with me and we took a little nap together. Well I really don't sleep well with her in the bed with me because I always fear something is going to happen. (Our lil dog was on the bed with us one day and he jumped down. I about had a heart attack because I thought she had fell out of the bed. I grabbed for her like a crazy woman. She just looked at me. ) Well I just pretty much laid there with her and we played some, she nursed and napped a little bit then I heard Shawn come in and take a shower. I was like he can take her and I can take a little nap. I don't complain when he takes one so why should it be a big deal for me to take one. He was like, "I'm trying to get some stuff off the hard drive." Of course I was like "F it, it's no biggy. I'm fine. WTH do I need a nap for right?" I have never been like this before. It's horrible. It's almost like I have to throw a tantrum like a 2 year old to get a break.

To those that are still reading, I apologize this turned into a vent and mainly about DH. He really is a good dad I just think sometimes he has no clue. I don't think he realizes that I technically work 2 fulltime jobs. I really shouldn't complain I know. My mom did it with me. She was only 16, going to school, worked fulltime and took care of me without my S**** Donor. I have so much to be thankful for and I need to remind myself of this. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I didn't know where else to turn. If I start talking to my mom (she's my best friend but still) I will just bawl my eyes out.

I love you guys.

MM'sMama replied: First of all Holley and we love you too. I was the same way after having Brice. Being a mommy was a whole new world to me and it took some getting used too. I was over tired, worried all the time, stressed, wondering if I was doing things right (ok if I was doign anything at all right) you name it, and I felt like the whole world was picking on me for no darn reason. Hang in there sweetie it will get better. PM me anytime I am here if you need anything at all.

luvmykids replied: Aw honey that almost made me cry! I remember everything you're feeling, and I didn't work a night shift job so I can't imagine!

First, being soooo tired can do terrible things to you emotionally. Second, I have no doubts that your DH is a wonderful husband and father but a lot of men don't get it. You need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him that this is a tough time and how exhausted you are and exactly what you need from him. I promise being super mom has nothing on being happy, well rested mom.

Third, this will pass. Whatever it takes, getting some help, or her learning to sleep more or whatever, I promise it won't be like this forever.

And even though you're technically out of the woods for ppd, I would still talk to your doc about it. After Macie I just couldn't get it together emotionally 8 months down the road and he was able to help me a lot.

I'm glad you can come here and talk. We're always here.

holley79 replied: Thank you both. I needed that. I'm sorry to make you cry. It's just been such a roller coaster emotionally. I wish there was someway for me to be a SAHM. I have sat here and crunch numbers in between reports and it just isn't going to work. I am defiantly going to be looking for another position within the Sheriff's Office. I would rather her be with a friend during the day and me with her all night functioning and having my weekends with her. Now I just have to wait for the position that the major was talking about to open. The bad thing is there is going to be such tough comp for that position.

CAMSMOM1 replied: Holley, I've been, felt & experienced the same thing. I know how rough it is at times, and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt bad, because I knew I had so much to be thankful for, but I couldn't get past my emotions. ITA it's a rollercoaster ride, that's the best way to describe it. Some days we can cope, and other days we want to hide in bed.

I had depression when I was pg, but opted against meds. Then it got better for awhile, and after I had Cameron, it came back again...but it was WAY worse. I think the sleep deprivation played huge tricks on my mind/emotions. I cried for days straight, and I wanted to snap out of it so badly, but I couldn't. Struggling with breastfeeding, waking up at all hours of the night, working...it starts to naw at you.

I realized that when I was rested, taking naps & asking for help from DH or family members, it made a world of difference. Even though I still had my crazy moments, I could handle it better because I was thinking clearly. kwim?

Like you said, you ARE working two full-time jobs. Being a Mommy is one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs. And then having to go out in the workforce, and still have to find time to spend with DH, clean the house...it's a lot on your plate. I know we all thought of our Mom's as "Super Woman" but in all reality, I'm sure they have all BTDT with emotions and had days, weeks like you & I have. And we also remember them when we were children, not babies. if that makes sense? You are a brand-new Mommy, and still adjusting to this new life. Most people never admit how hard it is raising an infant, and working outside of the home. I have never met a Mom who had it all together, or never felt worn-out, frustrated at times.

I know Shawn is a great Dad. From everything you've said about him, he loves Annika so much. But like Monica said, they have no clue what it's like being in our shoes. We are the primary care takers, and that in itself, is something most Dad's won't know what it feels like. I know you said, "oh well, I don't need a nap." But girl, you do. Especially in the first few months after childbirth. Allow yourself that time to rest & take care of yourself. Annika & Shawn will enjoy you more if you are happy & healthy. Shawn knows how it feels to need a nap, and it should be a give & take. And don't feel bad for wanting to put Annika in childcare. Even if it's part-time, a couple days a week. That might make a world of a difference for you.

Ok, now I wrote a novel. But I just feel for you sweetie, and I know how it feels. So anytime you need to talk, I'm here to listen.

holley79 replied: Ann I think the biggest thing is to know I am not alone feeling this way. I feel like I'm the only one sometimes and I know how stupid that feels. I'm not the first person to ever have a kid or be a mom. I knew this job wasn't going to be easy. Annika has her 4 month appointment on the 28th. Her pedi and I have a pretty good relationship. I'll probably ask her if she has any suggestions. Maybe she can also give me the name of a day provider. I was sitting here looking at how my schedule falls. I only need a sitter about twice a week. I may also see if DH can check into the daycare on base and see if they offer part time care. He could take her with him in the mornings and pick her up after work. We will have to see. Anyone have any idea how much part time day care is?

kit_kats_mom replied: Hey dear. What you are feeling is normal. BTDT. Post Partum can hit up to a year after birth so it may not hurt to speak with someone. Chances are it's a combo of hormones, stress of being a new mom, overwhelming awareness of the world we live in now that someone you love so much is part of it and you are responsible for her, lack of sleep yada, yada, yada...you get my drift I'm sure.

I just wanted to let you know about the part time daycare. It can be hard to come by and it is more expensive than full time in many cases. It doesn't seem fair until you start to look at it from the providers perspective. Many daycare centers don't even offer part time until the child is three or older. My plan for Lauren is to buy a full time spot at the center that Katherine will be enrolling in part time, and just take her twice a week. Seems like a big waste of money but that's what I need to do.

holley79 replied:
Thanks Cary. I really do appreciate it. I am going to call my Dr probably next week on my short week. I am not going to have the time this week to do it. I am also going to have a sit down with DH Wed, since I don't have to work. I'm sure if I just sit down and talk to him instead of biting his head off we will get places.

As for the child care. I was going to see if there was anyone in my neighborhood that might be a SAHM and that could watch Annika for a couple hours just twice a week. I may check the Gosport (Military paper) and see if I can find something there. I know this summer the girl that keeps her from 0520 till 0620 is out of school and might want a little extra money. That is something for me to look into.

I really do appreciate everyone here.

gr33n3y3z replied: It sounds to me your very over tired and maybe a little of PPD
I agree talk with someone maybe all you need is more sleep then anything.

I know when Ed does shift work some days its not easy to deal with him I can tell he has been up all night then he comes home sleeps for a few hours then he is up to go to the next job. By the end of the work day he is a bear sometimes.
But I love him so I deal with it.

C&K*s Mommie replied: Many hugs and prayers that you will know and understand that is normal, but if you need to seek an outlet to speak with someone about this.

Part time care is a good option, too. PM me anytime to discuss anything you wish.

BTW... you are loved here on these boards, although you are exhausted and burned out, we appreciate you coming here to chat for a while.

Bee_Kay replied: lots and lots of to you!

I couldn't say it any better than the other ladies

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Oh, Holley, putting Annika in daycare isn't admitting defeat. Most people who work have to do that. I worked nights through most of my pg, got a day shift job about 3 weeks before I had Logan. But Aaron and I had one huge fight before I got on days about putting Logan in daycare. He wanted me to have Logan home with me all the time when I was supposed to be sleeping. Now that might have worked for about 2 months, but I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks and by the time I went back to work, Logan liked his awake time. If I had still been on nights, Logan would have been in daycare while I was sleeping. I basically told Aaron he could go pee up a rope if he thought I was going to do my job at night and take care of Logan during the day and never sleep.
You are losing it because you aren't sleeping. Period. End of story. Please don't think of daycare as defeat. Logan loves his daycare. Think of it as you avoiding the loony bin which would hurt Annika much more.

holley79 replied:

I guess it comes with the shift work territory doens't it. I know DH would probably like to have my admitted somewhere on some days.

kimberley replied: aww sorry you feel down. lotsa hugs for you

Cary is right, PPD can strike for a year after. BTDT when Jade was six mos old. i was in total denial and wish i would have done something about it before i hit rock bottom i'm not saying that is the case with you, but please do watch for the signs and talk to your doc if you really can't get a handle on it.

exhaustion plays a HUGE part in being emotional. you are definitely spreading yourself too thin. i know you want to be everything for everyone because you feel it is your duty, but the smartest thing you can do for yourself and Annika is recognize when you need help and ask for it. don't wait for DH to take her (men ARE clueless sometimes to our needs).. walk over, plop her in his lap and say i am going to have a nap. take any help that's offered.. be it a friend watching Annika for a couple of hours, mom doing your dishes our your neighbor walking the dog.
i had a horrible time letting go of the reins at first and i burned out and was no good to anyone. is it possible to work part time or even just get off shift work?
i am around if you ever need to talk.

EvesMom replied: Love you sweetie! Hang in there! I have noticed the PPD comes and goes with me. But I think sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it. I've wanted to rip my DH's head off may times, but I found it was best to just tell him how I was feeling about things. Hope you get feeling like yourself agains soon!