Do you ever wonder

Boys r us wrote: what your kids will have to say about how you raised them once they're grown?

Are there things you do in parenting them that you think will standout to them later, like things you shouldn't..bad temper or whatever..?

I stay pretty calm with them both, but sunday, everybody and their brother had ticked me off and I yelled at both of the kids, when I probably shouldn't have. when I do stupid stuff like that, I want to kick myself b/c I sit and wonder how I've scarred my kids I know we all lose it from time to time and none of us are perfect, but I've always disliked parents yelling at their kids and I usually make it a habit to just walk away when I reach my boiling point..I guess my story is just whatever, I'm just rambling..but I was curious..if others ever wonder what their kids will think of your parenting job once they're older!

My2Beauties replied: I wonder about this all the time. Looking back at my own childhood, my mom and dad lost it with me a few times, especially when I was a teenager and deserved it It didn't scar me, I actually look back on those moments and laugh about them, because it would be over the phone for pete's sake or somethign silly like that and it would be this huge argument because I was on the phone all hours of the day and night!!

I think as parents we are to hard on ourselves. We are only human and we have the right to lose it sometime or another!! LOL! I don't think you scarred your kids by yelling at them, just let them know that you apologize but they did certain things to tick you off, they'll understand, if not now than later.

coasterqueen replied: Looking back at my childhood and how much it scarred me...yes I think about this very same thing when I get older. I've even told my parents how I felt about their raising me...they know where they went totally wrong but they won't apologize. I've apologized for where I went wrong as a teenager, though. My mom tends to just block it out and pretend she didn't do anything horribly wrong to me.

I PRAY every single day that Kylie thinks of me as a friend when she's older and even though she may see where I went wrong from here or there as a parent that overall she respects how I raised her. I hope that happens.

I got the proud honor of getting my father's temper and a bit of my mother's bad temper too. So I unfortunately yell a lot and I'm trying to be better about it. It's the only thing I know because that's what I was raised in. We just have to hope that if there are "flaws" we have that each day we get better and better. That's what I'm hoping for.

Boys r us replied: Awe Karen, that was sweet. Really, you're so right, we all have the next day to get better and better at putting our flaws away! as for your parents not aknowledging your perception of your upbringing, I can totally relate. Not that my parents did anything horrible to me, but there are things I've brought up that bothered me from childhood and they mysteriously have no memory of it..and you know..it really really makes me very angry! That I was bold enough to bring things up and they are to cowardly to even accept that there were times that they did screw up!

DansMom replied: I don't think they remember or get scarred by occasional frustrated outbursts from mom or dad. I don't remember any of that bothering me permanently, and my parents sure did raise their voices from time to time when we did things they didn't like. It's only physical violence that I remember with pain: my mom would throw dishes at the wall or turn over tables when she was angry with the man in her life, and witnessing those events affected me permanently, even though it was another adult and not I who was the focus of her wrath.

But just raising your voice once in a blue moon---it's kind of normal and human to lose it once in a while and be in a bad mood. Parents have tantrums too, and I think it's okay for kids to know that. I, too, beat myself up when I've even raised my voice slightly or sounded annoyed with Daniel. But then I say, does he really want a robot mom who never has any negative feelings or moods no matter what is happening? As long as I can regroup and move things in a positive direction afterward, I forgive myself the occasional frustrated moment. When he gets older I will also talk to him about how I was feeling when I had a bad moment, so that I will model being able to express feelings and talk about them.

coasterqueen replied:
Totally agree. My parents (mother in particular) did some pretty awful horrible unspeakable things to be and both my parents made me make a decision with my life I will always regret...we didn't talk for a few years.

I was finally big enough to make peace with them and acknowledge where I felt I went wrong in the relationship...expecting they would to. NO..they said "well I'm glad you decided to understand what you did wrong." Uh....that about made me walk out of their life forever but because I wanted my children to be apart of their lives I decided to be the bigger person .

redchief replied: This is a touchy subject, because it causes one to wonder when, if ever, parents can tell their kids that the PARENT overreacted. After 20 years as a parent, I've lost it more times than I care to count. I don't think, however that any of our children are scarred. They all seem to be healthy teens (and preteen in one case). I have a few groundrules that I've learned to follow over the years which have greatly reduced the times I "lose it" and the long-term effects that discipline may have.

I used to spank my boys. I look back on that period when I was a young, inexperienced parent with disgust at my own lack of problem solving skills and self-control. For the last 15 years, I've not seen the need to lay a hand on my children. I tell you this, not for you to judge me then, but to reinforce that parenting isn't an instinctive skill, and that we're all learning every day what is effective and what is not.

That being said, I've never been a big "yeller." In fact, when I get angry I tend to get very quiet. So, even though I don't yell, my children know that when I speak very gravely and quietly I am very angry. IMO that for me is overreacting when it happens. So, now that you know me a little better, here are the rules I try to live by.

1. NEVER, ever make a personal attack (ie. "you're worthless," "that was stupid,"). I always try to handle the situation and not the person. At this point in their lives my children are better able to identify what they did wrong than I am.

2. Be consistent. It doesn't make sense to react to a behavior today that produced little or no reaction in the past. On the same vein, I don't allow that my children can make a mistake and learn from it without our discussing it. Even when they know what they did was wrong, we still talk it out so that THEY know we know what they did.

3. Set boundries. All of my children have a curfew. They don't violate it unless there is an emergency. I expect them to speak with us and each other with respect even though they may disagree, and I have no problem separating them to allow them time to think about what has happened.

4. Discipline is consistent and fair. When I descipline my children (and I've had plenty of opportunities over the years) they already pretty much know what's coming. Once a punishment has been meted out (ie. grounding, extra chores, etc.) it must be completed to the end.

5. When they do something beyond my capacity to deal with it (these are the times I get quiet), acknowledge the infraction, but give ourselves time. This is "Okay, go to your room while mom and I talk about this," time. I've found this greatly reduces our over-reaction to really inappropriate behavior. Then we'll discuss the infraction (my wife and I also get a chance to discuss appropriate punishment without arguing over it in front of the kids). It gives us time to cool down and put the infraction in perspective.

6. We try VERY hard never to go to bed with an issue unresolved. I can't sleep when I have something on my mind, so I figure my kids would have the same problem. I remind my kids (even my 20 year old young man) that I love them every morning and every night. We also make sure that the kids understand what it is they've done wrong and why a particular punishment was given.

7. It's okay to acknowledge that we're human. I still find that even with all the other rules, I occasionally over-react and sometimes read a situation all wrong. In those times I apologize for my own behavior. I found that my kids still acknowledge my wisdom and authority even though I've admitted I can be wrong too. It also makes it easier for my kids I think because they see that even "grown-ups" make mistakes and it's okay to take those and carry on learning from them.

I know this was long, but there isn't a simple answer to whether a response was appropriate or not. Much of it depends on the resolution. Never let an issue go unresolved, even if it's your turn to say, "I over-reacted, and I'm sorry." On the other hand, sometimes yelling is the only way to get their attention! Good luck.

tanner'smom replied: I grew up raised by my father in an acholic home, no mother. I didn' t met her until I was 28. I am the mother of 4 children. 3 natural and one step. I remember crying and thinking how can I be a mother , I never had a mother? Is it possible I can do this right? But you know what I don't do it right, and I don't do it perfect. But I do it the best I can. I have had bad days when I have yelled and blown up..especially at my teenager.. But they know that mom is human. And they understand that no one is perfect. I think it is wise to say your sorry to your children and let them no that you are not above them in that area. But maybe your method was perfect but your reasoning was right on. I had often wondered what my kids thought of me, and one of there school projects was what makes mom special....my son said she lets me make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches..and her face is soft to my hands and her arms feel just right. That made me cry and no one understood way? I am sure everyone here does, It meant he didn't think about the times I yelled to stop making a mess, or stop making his sister cry..he remembered the soft times. The perfect times just me and him, and a moment. Nothing better. I hope my teenager does the same, and I think she does. She is 14 and still comes and sits in my lap to snuggle. Those are good quite times.

DansMom replied: OK, now I've got tears in my eyes... thank you for sharing those stories.

MommyToAshley replied:
I am glad to hear I am not the only one sitting here with tears in my eyes.


Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences, advice, and stories. It's given me a lot to think about. I didn't have the best relationship with my Mother growing up, especially during the teenage years. But after I became a parent myself, I understand her better and I am more forgiving now. The one thing that would have made our relationship better when I was a teenager would have been communication... maybe I could have understood a little better back then had she talked to me about the issues. I hope not to repeat the same mistake with Ashley.

redchief replied: tanners'mom, you've moved an old man to tears also. WTG. What you said in a few sentences is what many have been trying to convey (me in paragraphs - LOL).

kimberley replied:
great advice. thank you!

i think it is very important for our kids to know we make mistakes and are still learning and growing, just as they will all their life. my mom was the "perfect authoritarian". we still have issues i care not to discuss but the point is, she always held this holier-than-thou image in front of me that, as a child, i felt i could never live up to. and as a teen, i started seeing who she really was and i resented the lies and facade she felt she needed to keep in front of her own daughter!

my parents divorced when i was 13 and i lived with my dad who has substance and alcohol abuse problems, not to mention the myriad of financial and women problems he had. while all of that could have screwed me up for the rest of my life and hate my dad... it didn't. because my dad was human. i loved him, faults and all because he gave me that same love and respect back. he taught me how important family was and how love doesn't waver when you screw up. it just makes you closer and stronger. i have made (and will make) a million mistakes raising these kids but they always know i love them and that i am trying my best.