Do you plan to treat your children equal..

coasterqueen wrote: when it comes to buying cars, clothes, etc?

I ask because my parents gave me a car when I was 16 that was worth about $500, lol. It was a 20+ year old car that barely ran, had rust everywhere, it was awful. My sister got a nice under 3 yr old SUV to drive when she turned 16 and she got to take it with her when she left home. My dad wouldn't let me take my car, not that I wanted to, lol.

When it came to clothes I had to get a job and buy my own. My parents bought all my sister's clothes. When my parents did buy me items they would have never dreamed of spending $50 on a pair of jeans for me like they did for my sister.

I had to have good grades or else I was grounded all the time. My sister could get whatever grades she wanted because my parents just always said she wasn't as smart as me.

I couldn't drive to school...my sister could. I couldn't stay out late...my sister could.


Sooooo I'm curious do you plan to treat your kids fairly when it comes to things like this as they grow up?

amynicole21 replied: Well, I plan on treating them equally, but since every kid is different that might change! For instance, if one is more responsible than the other I'd make allowances based upon that... I DEFINITELY do not want to make one feel that they are less valued or special than the other(s) - that is just plain wrong

Boys r us replied: Of course I plan to treat them all equally! But like amy said, there may be reasons as to why they may not be in certain circumstances!

I know a lot of times the older children get left out on the nicer things b/c the parents typically are struggling more when they're growing up verses when the younger children come about, they have had a chance to develop more of a nest egg to support them off of. Hopefully we won't run into that with our kids though, they're still both very young and we're doing okay financially- no struggling- so we should be able to provide for them equally...as neither of them want for anything now as it is. But as far as intentionally treating them differently, we would never do that!

coasterqueen replied: yeah I agree. When it comes to allowances it's one thing, but when it comes to cars, clothes, and jobs I plan to treat my children equal no matter how much money I have at one time or another.

I say that because I learned responsibility the way I was brought up. The way my sister was brought up she doesn't even know what the word responsibility is.

DH and I had this discussion last night and decided we will be fair to both no matter if we are poor today and rich tomorrow.

amynicole21 replied: Look at it this way though... if one child is staying out all night, drinking and screwing up, while the other is an honor roll student who is in bed by 9pm, does all of their chores, etc. Are you really going to buy them both the same cars and presents? I doubt I'd give the child who's screwing up much of anything monetary until they get their act together! Stuff like that is a priveledge, not a right. Just my

Boys r us replied: yeah but it's easy to say that, can you really do it? I mean if we are struggling and can't buy child A name brand clothes and a car, then we can't do it. But would we really make child B suffer when we are significantly better off based soley on the reason that child A did? I don't think I could. I may have to find some other way to compensate child A in retrospect.
When I was growing up there were 3 of us who were close in age. We had the things we needed and really and truely didn't want for much. But, my parents struggled to give us those things and couldn't give us some of the luxury things b/c jthey were just getting started with their new company and didn't have a lot of money saved. Then my baby brother came along. There was a big age gap so in essence, he was like an only child and my parents were, well, beyond well off, by the time he was a teenager. He got a lot of the luxury things my older brothers and I did not...not to mention..he got a lot more attention and time from my parents b/c they had reached a point in life where they didn't have to work so hard.
He got a brand new car, he got to go to a college of his choice, where as my brothers and I were limited in our choices because of tuition costs. Am I jealous of this? no. I was happy for him..happy that his life was more free and he was given better opportunities. Had this been done out of malice b/c he was a "favorite" then I may feel differently. But I'm very happy that my parents didn't make my baby brother suffer and limit his opportunities in life, simply because mine were due to our financial status at the time!!
I'm happy that for him, the sky is the limit!

I'm very thankful that DH and I both have very good jobs and we should be able to give the same abundant opportunity to both of our children!

coasterqueen replied: I guess I can see that with cars, although I don't think I'm going to say "hey you are getting a beater car because you aren't being a good kid...but your sister is getting a nice one because she is". I think Ryan and I both plan to say "ok, we are going to spend this much on a car...and that's that". Which is what his dad did with him and his sister. He said he would pay so much for their cars and if they wanted something more they had to work to contribute the rest of the money. So yeah maybe they got different types of cars but their parent contributed the same amount..it left it up to them to decide how determined they wanted to be to get whatever car they wanted.

I also highly doubt I'm going to say "hey you get Kmart blue light special clothes because you aren't good but your sister gets Tommy Hilfiger clothes because she is being good".

Allowances, grounding, other privelages are given to a child...earned and taken away if they are not good. They aren't given right away based on how that child is. For Kylie she will get $x amount of money for her allowance at X age for certain chores and if she does them she gets the money, if she doesn't she doesn't get the money. When her sis/bro is the same age it will be same amount at same age, etc.

coasterqueen replied:
How are you making child B suffer if you give him the same type of car or spend the same amount on a car as child A??? That really confuses me.

I'm don't think that if I bought Kylie a car for x amount of dollars and then got rich two years later and said "ok I'm going to buy you a porshe because I now have more money". Trust me that's what my parents did wrong. They thought they didn't give me enough so they gave my sister everything...well lets just say that now every time my sis has a problem she can't solve it herself she runs home to have my parents solve it. I myself try to solve my own first before asking their help.

I'm happy my sister got things. I would have been more happy if she wouldn't have turned into a spoiled brat because she got all those things. A child who says "I lived at home longer than you so I mom and dad owe me more".....uh well need I say more.

Boys r us replied: I can see what you're saying. But a car is just the beginning..like I said, this ventures into college selections and so much more.
For instance, my brother got to travel abroaad every year of his high school career..I had to wait until I was on my own and could afford to pay for myself b/f I could b/c my parents couldn't afford to send me on a trip with my class that cost 4k each year..or even one year for that matter!

It sounds to me like your parents didn't do your sister justice, but I don't think it has anything to do with what they did or didn't buy for her..but rather how they raised her! I think it's quite possible to enduldge your children with nice things and still be able to raise them to be confident, wise and appreciative people.

coasterqueen replied: Good point.

My Dh decided what he was going to do with the college issue too, lol. My parents gave Kylie checks every christmas to put into her college fund plus we've been saving for her too, but when this baby comes we know we can't afford to put as much in an account for him/her as we did for Kylie. So Dh decided we are going to just make one big account for the both of them and they will get 1/2 of whatever we save.

ctymom replied: Who is the oldest? You or your sister? Sometimes the oldest gets the nicer stuff because once you start having more kids, the bills pile up and you become tighter with your money. Also you want to do everything perfect for your first... name brand this and that, but then you realize hey... what's wrong with the cheaper stuff? lol

But if you're the oldest.... then I dont know. I think your kids have individual personalities and so you 'treat' them differently. And if one of your kids works extra hard then why not reward them for their efforts. In hopes that the other child will realize you have to work to get the things you want in life.

It's all such a balancing act. I dont think I purposely treated each child differently... I think their personalities cause you to treat them different. Can drive ya crazy trying to figure all this out.

Pamela

Boys r us replied: and of course, we're all looking at this with the anticipation that we'll hopefully be better off with child number 2..it could be opposite..dh might invest in a bad deal and we could have nothing for Braedon to go to college on after Tanner graduates from Yale! HA

You just can't say! I mean I think the important thing is that we all are going to TRY to treat them equal..I can promise that it will NEVER happen..there are just TOO many circumstances to say that it's even possible!

mummy2girls replied: Yes. I fi do have another one i do plan on it. I think it comes from because when i was growing up my mom let my brother get away with murder..me i would get grounded if threw her a dirty look. She and my dad co-signed a car loan when he was 16 but would not do that for until just recently and im 28..LOL. He was the hard teenager...breaking curfews, cursing, skipping school, getting almost expelled, and not graduating high school. Me i was the opposite but she still seemed to baby him.

But then things started to change because now my mom and dad help me with everything. i dont even ask they are at a point where they just give..LOL. maby from guilt ...LOL.

So i learned favoring one over the other can be bad on the self esteem and such. I think that is another reason i am so mad at aron for telling jenna skylar is smarter..his quote..skylar is so smart but thats ok jenna your much cuter...OMG!

My2Beauties replied: This is hard for me to answer, I grew up an only child. My dad has a son who is about 8 years older than me that pretty much lived with his mom, I mean don't get me wrong my dad was in his life, but I grew up living on my own and didn't have to share things. I want to say I will teat my kids equally, but I want them to also hold up to their end of the bargain as well. If my first is screwing up really bad and being a brat child and the second does good in school, does chores, etc..they will be rewarded. I mean, I say that but I don't know for sure if that is how I would do it. I know we are pretty equal with Desiree and Hanna when it comes to things, there is an 8 year difference there but they have the same birthday so if we get Desiree $100 worth of stuff geared towards and 8 year old Hanna will get $100 worth of stuff geared towards 1 yr olds.

As far as the differences between boys and girls....I know this is bad, but it seems like it would be easier for me to give a boy a later curfew and what not since girls are so much more apt to get hurt!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

I have 3 older brothers who were able to get by with a lot more than I did. I think Amy is right, circumstances are different with different children. They will tell you I was treated better although I had to work and pay for my car. I was a better child....never doing drugs, skipping school, smoking, drinking, etc. They were constantly in trouble with the law. My parents were still more strict on me. Probably mostly b/c I am female. One of my brothers says today that the REASON he KEPT getting into trouble is b/c my parents withheld and treated him so badly for the things he had done wrong. They really did treat him like a bad seed. I really didn't see that they didn't stop buying him things, but maybe the support and encouragement wasn't always there. My mom is real bad about only caring about HER feelings at the time. I think she felt so disappointed that she didn't take into consideration what her CHILDREN needed. She does this with all of us. She will shun us if she is disappointed in us...never considering that their is a reason why children act out. We all needed to be in counseling. My family is VERY screwed up.

You can also buy your kids too much thinking it will make them 'good kids'. Come to think of it, my brothers got the brand name clothes before I did. Mom thought it would help them choose the right crowd instead of hanging out with the 'trouble kids'. It didn't work. My mother is also an enabler. It is her nature to do more for the ones who NEED her and can't stand on their own two feet. Does it help them to stand on their feet....NO! Have they EVER done anything on their own...NO! Do they take responsibility for their actions....NO! They are 31 and she is STILL bailing them out. I've always been independent...I've never asked them for anything. They don't have to worry about me doing what I am supposed to be doing. Mom has told me this for a long time. I understand all of this, but in retrospect...she shouldn't be doing these things for my brothers, either and she shouldn't be worrying about them. It's time they leave the nest. Karen, it sounds as though your parents are the same way with your little sister.

Wow, I really got off topic. LOL! Anyway, my answer is the same as Amy's. My kids will recieve the same love and attention...the rewards for behavior will vary when they are of age to understand. I do not intend to reward bad behavior, but I will however love my children regardless of their behavior. I hope they will always understand and appreciate that.

Guest replied: I love them all equally; that doesn't mean I'll treat them all the same.

When we were teenagers (16, 17... 21) , I worked in a seafood restraurant. My hours were from 4 pm till closing-- on a Saturday that was usually after 12. So we would split our tips and have a soda, and head to the diner for some food. I had no curfew and was frequently out until 3am. (PS: I was also an honors student, just in case you're shaking your head! )

My older sister had a curfew and it drove her crazy-- she always used to kid me about it. My parents reasoned that if she went out at, say 7 pm, that 5 hours was a reasonable time to be out and her curfew was midnight. Had I stayed out for 5 hours, they would have killed me!!

So my point is that the situation and the child determine how I treat my kids. If Brian needs a pair of shoes, I don't necessarily buy one for each of them. If Julia gets invited to 3 birthday parties in a row, Brian doesn't get to tag along. Brian is a good eater, so if he's not hungry at dinnertime now and then, it's no big deal. But Julia barely eats enough to get by, so we try to push her a bit more to eat. She is enrolled in gymnastics at age 4, while Brian didn't start Tae Kwon Do until he was 6.... she's the only kid (other than Kira) around all day, while Brian had her to play with when he was 4.


The examples you gave are different. I'm assuming that you are looking at objectively... if so, then of course your parents could have been more fair.