Don't know what to do - Anthony struggling in school

CantWait wrote: I REALLY DEPERATELY NEED SOME ADVICE HERE ALL.

At least once a week Anthony is coming home with a note in his communication book that says that he's been blue today (not good). Today was one of those days. He never ever ever gets anything written about him that's positive, and it makes me feel horrible, thank God he can't read it cause I can't imagine how a 5 year old would feel reading what comes home from his teacher on a weekly basis. Anway, along with the usual note is his book, his teacher would like to meet tomorrow regarding his placement for next year (it's obvious he's not going to grade 1, and I'm ok with this).

In addition to the note today, I got an email from the librarian about Anthony's behaviour.

"Dear Mr. & Mrs. Granados,

I am writing with concerns about Anthony's behaviour in my class. Anthony is very disruptiv, and struggles to say focused during lessons. Today I removed him from the lesson twice for shouting out and interrupting the lesson and had him reflect about appropriate classroom behaviour in "time out".

Anthony also frequently shares random comments that have absolutely nothing to do with what is being discussed/read. This can sometimes lead to children making fun of him or confusion amongst the students (today for example, when we were reading a book about a girl who finds a baby in a sandbox, Anthony announced "I'm from Canada"). Students looked at him puzzled, wondering what this had to do with the story.

I am concerned because Anthony really seems to struggle with impulse control. I have shared my concerns with Mrs. Leck and she concurs that this is a problem in the class.

I will continue to work with Anthony to help him learn to control his impulsive behaviour, but will continue to remove him from the group if his behaviour is too disruptive. I would ask that you speak with him about his behaviour.

Please feel free to contact me should you have any questions or wish to discuss this further."


I should say it was in nice big pretty blue letters (this could be me being overly sensitive), and I think that simple ariel black would have surficed. Anyway I need to know how to respond to this, cause I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I always tell him to be good at school etc.........but he's 5 for crying out loud, while all the other kids in his class are 6 at the beginning of the school year. He's a full year behind all his classmates. I hear from so many people here that their 5 year olds are much the same in school, so what do I do?

I just don't understand why they would have accepted him in Kindy if they don't normally, and now all this drama.

I'm thinking now that maybe I should quit my job and pull him out of school for the rest of the year.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CantWait replied: And if you made it this far, Thank you

coasterqueen replied: Well, I'm not going to be much help, but it might not be his age, but moreso the fact that he's had so many adjustments in his life lately - big ones. I mean, you were gone for awhile, he's been uprooted from his home, etc. Those are HUGE things for kids and it's hard to adjust. I, personally, was traumatized for a very long time when my parents moved me away from my school and put me in a new home and new school. I still hate the fact they did that to me. I'm not saying anything bad, just saying that maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to all the changes in his life. I mean, all of a sudden blurting out he's from Canada screams to me that he's wanting the other kids to notice him and he's feeling out of place. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think it's worth pondering over the fact that all these adjustments might be making him act the way his is. Maybe?

mummy2girls replied: I agree with karen. I think also he may just be trying to adjust to all the changes in his life. You being gone for so long and then moving from canada to russia. Thats what i thought as well when i read he blurted out Im from Canada. And im not saying your doign this im just grasping at straws but maby he is picking up some sadness from you with the M/c. Im sure your trying t o be strong for them and such, and im not sure if you told them about the second pregnancy, but maby that is another part of his changes and things he is experiences. Kids sometimes find it hard to just walk up to you and say mom im mad or im sad because...... because he is only 5. But i could be wrong too. Maby talk to him and see if you can get him to tell you anything that may be bothering him. I wouldn't really point it all to his age and being in kindergarten. A Lot of kids start at age 5 and do good and some at age 6 dont do good. Thats why i feel it could be the changes...

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Marie...this is EVERY boy!!! Boys are like this, and some teachers don't get it.

I agree with Karen as well. A move is a huge deal with kids, and he's probably finding it a little overwhelming making new friends, adjusting to his new life, etc. Wouldn't his teachers realize this??? Any good teacher would!

cameragirl21 replied: Marie, first and foremost, thanks so much for the sweet Easter greetings on Sunday...sorry I haven't responded, haven't been around here much in the last few days.
As for Anthony, I have to say, and this is JMO because I haven't observed or met him but as I have mentioned, my background prior to my photog days is in pyschology and what you're describing sounds like textbook ADD. I know it may sound horrible but it's a lot more common than people think and while I personally think it's way overdiagnosed and kids are way overmedicated, what you are describing--the inability to focus, the mind wandering and making comments that are unrelated to the subject at hand (because he's not focused on the subject at hand), the impuslive behavior, etc, that is such classic ADD.
What sucks is that the solution is putting kids on speed, literally, that is what ritalin, adderall and various forms of ADD/ADHD meds are--speed. The upside is that that little daily pill helps SO MUCH...you have no idea. You and his teachers will still have to work with him, it's not a magic pill but it really takes away a lot of the symptoms.
I certainly can't diagnose him and I hope what I've said won't upset you but I would get him tested for ADD. If he doesn't have it, any shrink who would do the testing (or a regular ped may be able to do it also but they don't specialize in this and I'd not choose them to do such a test if I were in your place) may be able to suggest ways of coping with the behavior and if he does have it you will have your solution. One thing about this, though-I've noticed that some parents don't want to admit their kids have it so they ignore it...ADD does not go away on its own and it's by far not the worst diagnosis in the world.
I hope I haven't offended you or hurt your feelings, this is jmo but I would get him checked out for that. Another thing that you can try is fish oil capsules...believe it or not, they help a lot. My good friend's son had a lot of these problems (he will be 8 in May) and they constantly got notes home from school about his behavior and she put him on fish oil caps and while he still has his bad days, it's gotten much, much better.
It's also possible that at 5 he is just not ready for that much classroom structure and he's coping with it the best way he can. I'd get him checked out just to be sure. Bad as ADD may sound, that little pill works wonders for so many kids, it becomes the difference between day and night, literally.
Whatever happens, you're a great mom and you will get through this. I'll keep you and your little man in my thoughts.

coasterqueen replied:
I disagree a tad bit with the ADD thing. My daughter has a few of the symptoms that Anthony has and she is NOT ADD, no matter how many times I joke about it. And the only way to TRULY test accurately for that is a brain wave test, which I would strongly recommend before going the drug route. There is a lot of help from occupational therapy for ADD/ADHD as well and a lot of times the drugs aren't needed.

Ok, sorry, you weren't talking to me, but I had to butt in. You can ignore me now.

MommyToAshley replied:

I think I would go into the meeting with the teacher with an open mind. I know it is very hard not to become defensive when someone is talking about your child negaitvely. And, it irks me when professionals simply criticize when they should be giving constructive feedback -- there is a difference. If she comes across as totally negative and doesn't offer any suggestions, then I would ask her if she has any suggestions how to deal with the behavior. I would explain to her what you have tried so far. She may not be aware of all the changes that Anthony has been through, so maybe discuss those with her. Maybe if she has a better uderstanding of his history, she may be able to work with him a little better.

And, it could very well just be his age. If he is the youngest in his class and you and the teacher think it is wise to have him repeat Kindergarten, then it might be a good idea to do it now instead of when he is older. Ashley is the youngest in her class, and while she doesn't have disciplinary problems or trouble keeping up, I do notice some differences in the maturity of the kids that are a full year older. A year doesn't sound like much, but at this age, it is a huge difference.

Sorry I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to offer hugs.

cameragirl21 replied:
LOL, Karen *I* have a few of those symptoms and have suspected in the past that I may have ADD. My doc said that what keeps me from being considered a classic ADD case is the fact that I have zero problems focusing, I just like things fast, I struggle when I have to wait for things, I want results NOW and my doc says that I'm just a triple type A BUT if I showed probs focusing he'd consider me ADD.
Focus, or inability to do so is key with ADD.
I would say it's at least worth looking into because if he doesn't have it then you're on to the next thing and if he does then you have your solution. I used to be of the belief that ADD just does not really exist because I was seeing WAY too many kids who were diagnosed with it BUT I have come to realize that it very much exists and while I agree it is overdiagnosed and kids are overmedicated, it is real and some people do have it so there is no harm in looking into to.
Again, jmo and nothing more than that.
One great book to read for those who may not believe in it is "Driven to Distraction" written by a shrink who has ADD and describes what it's like to live with it unmedicated and untreated, among other things.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/068...okstorenow57-20

moped replied:
Ok, so Jen I don't want to start anything, because i have been very good lately but i have to say that saying it is classic ADD is a bit much. I do not for once second think Anthony is ADD. I have a hard time when people try to label kids so quickly. ADD is one that really bothers me. He could be a very energetic kid, bored with what they are doing or just a general disinterest in school (like me)! I have a 5 year old boy and when i have a post like this next year I certainly do not want to see that someone thinks my kid has ADD and should take drugs after only typing a few paragraphs. When I was growing up we never heard of ADD or drugs to take for it......this did not exist, this is new age parenting, which I know very little about. I am sure that 1 out of 5 kids is labeled ADD, years ago they were normal energetic kids, but now they have a label, which is not good for any childs self esteem. Makes me wonder how we are all alive and well now!

Marie,
I am sure it was very difficult to get that letter home, but I agree with Stacy, boys are CRAZY creatures. Have you talked to him about it? Asked him why he is acting like this? the reason I ask is because Jack's preschool teacher called me and said she didn't htink Jack liked it and wasn't participating unless it involved cars and trucks (I posted about this) I was very upset but I got home and asked him why and he said "sometimes we play new games that I don't know and I don't know how play them, so I don't want to be bad at it" Fair enough I thought. I said from now on you will do what Teacher says and participate ok - he said Ok and all has been well since!

cameragirl21 replied: I didn't say he has ADD, Jen, I openly said I can't diagnose him as I haven't observed him or met him. I said THE SYMPTOMS are classic ADD and they are. Doesn't mean he has ADD, it's just worth checking into.

ADD is not the end of the world, it's quite common and I have seen scores of kids improve greatly with medication...medication that I was totally against at the time it was prescribed and taken and then totally proven wrong because I used to think like you.

As for "New Age" anything, remember that new ideas come into play for a reason, generally because the old school ideas aren't working anymore. I am very New Agey and I find solutions often where most people would not even think to look and honestly it has worked well for me and my ideas have worked well for people who were originally skeptical.

You don't have to agree with me and I have no doubt I am wrong at times, not saying I know everything or that I'm always right but I'm just offering an option out there that has merit based on my experiences and like I said, I used to think like you and once believed that ADD doesn't really exist. But I've since seen proof that I was wrong. And for the record, I'm not saying you're wrong, just explaining what I meant by what I said. You can agree with me or flush my opinion down the toilet or find yourself somewhere in between but I assure you my intentions were not to upset you or anyone else.
And if you make such comments about Jack anytime in the future, I promise to stay out of it as you made it clear that that is your preference

moped replied:
Ok, I just have a very hard time with someone labelling kids so quickly. it happens all the time, not just on here but in society alone. I am not saying ADD doesn't exist, but I think if Anthony had it we would have had more posts about Anthony in the past, which we really haven't.

You know i have always had a hard time with this, but once you are a parent to a boy or girl for that matter and that child has a few bad days at school are you going to say "Oh my child has ADD, I will give him drugs and he will be better in school" I highly doubt you would!

It is easy to judge when you are not the parent in the particular situation. I had very different views before I was a parent.

I am not saying not to reply to any posts about Jack, but please don't label kids....obviously if I make a post I am putting it out htere for all to read.

As for "New Age" anything, remember that new ideas come into play for a reason, generally because the old school ideas aren't working anymore. I am very New Agey and I find solutions often where most people would not even think to look and honestly it has worked well for me and my ideas have worked well for people who were originally skeptical.

There are lots of different methods of parenting, I am much more ont he old school ways, and not saying it the nwe age parenting doesn't work, but to throw a label on a kid so fast is new age in my mind. Old school does work.....i have a couple of pretty good kids to prove it! I am sure new age works as well.

cameragirl21 replied: ok, Jen, I see what you are saying and I apologize if I seemed to labeling Anthony or any other kids because that was not my intention at all. My outlook is simply that it was worth looking into.
I realize it can't be easy to find yourself in that position and I'm sure it's a daily challenge along with a daily reward.
Also, it was not fair of me to say old school ideas don't work because obviously they do for some people and for others they don't, so I apologize for saying that.

We really have come a long way in our disagreements, haven't we, Jen? I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic because I don't mean it that way at all, we really have come a long way. Being here has sure taught me to speak softly, if that makes any sense...or at least forced me to consider the need to speak softly as I tend to forget and regress at times....

moped replied:
WOW that wasn't the response I thought I would read!

stella6979 replied: I totally agree with the others who've mentioned all the changes in his life. That's a big adjustment and I'm sure that is a big part of it. I would definitely mention that to the teachers and see if they can maybe work something out. Maybe Anthony could tell all the kids in his class about Canada so they all know a little more about him and where he came from? Probably not realistic, but it's just a thought. I would also never think of a child being ADD just because he has a few "bad" days. We all have them.
Hang in there Marie and be sure to let us know how the meeting goes.

CantWait replied: ADD, no I don't think it's that. And I DO NOT believe in ADD or ADHD, I think it's excuse for parents who can't control their kids, teach them good manners, and feed them too much refined sugar and perservatives.

I also know that he isn't ADD because he can focus on things when he is enjoying it. Playing a game, colouring a picture, reading a book at home, so long as the tv is on (which I think is normal).

I know that Anthony is still having a hard time adjusting to being here. He really misses Canada and does not like Russia. There's just too many things that are different here for a 5 year old and I can see where he comes from on that. I know he also feels signaled out in class because of the age difference, all the other kids turned 6 in the beginning of the year whereas he just turned 5 when school started, so yes they are much more mature.

His teacher KNOWS when he moved here, she knows I was away for awhile, etc all that. She has said before she was going to talk to the school psychologist about ways to help him in class, (this was back in December) but she hasn't done this.

I haven't really spoken to him to see why he is so disruptive cause I don't want him to think he's a bad boy, because he has come A LONG WAY since his 2 and 3 and 4 year old days. Every year he matures a bit more and calms down a bit more. I just don't know if he'd know why he is the way he is

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I think you answered a lot of questions yourself. He's young, he's a boy, he has moved to a foreign country for goodness sake. I know if I moved to a foreign country I would probably not adjust too quickly.

Also...just to add, he is ONLY 5...most schools do not diagnose ADD or ADHD until they are about 8 years old UNLESS it's a more apparent case, which is rare. I don't think I'd trust any doctor or professional who would be so quickly willing to label my child with ADD/ADHD when they just started going through so many adjustments in their life. I should also add...MANY symptoms of ADD or ADHD are also behaviors that are normal for a child his age. He sounds like any other 5 year old boy that I know.

Marie, I think he'll adjust in time. That may be what he needs is just time...and patience. If you talk to him I don't think he'll think he's a bad boy as long as you sit down and talk it out nicely with him. He needs to know the expectations, but he also needs to be understood.

coasterqueen replied:
ITA. He sounds like my 6.5 year old girl. Kylie blurts stuff out all the time that has nothing to do with what is being discussed. She can focus when she wants to, but other times she is so not focussed. She is extremely hyper - hard to settle down. There are just so many things that scream ADD for her, but there are just as many things that scream sensory issues for her. The key is we've been able to deal with all of them without meds and without occupational therapy. Megan wasn't so lucky. Anyways, I think a lot of it is just normal in general and a great teacher would be able to accept that and understand what to do to help the child out more to succeed in the classroom.

luvmykids replied:
I very much agree with Jennie and others who have said it's probably got a lot to do with all the changes. We have seen some changes in Colt, a little more subtle probably, but they're there nonetheless and there is just no way he went from being non ADD to being ADD within a months time. I know my son and know beyond a doubt it is directly related to the move....I would bet pretty heavily that the move is a major factor here.

Colt brings home classwork for us to review every day with a note from the teacher saying they did it in class together but Colt wasn't listening and left most of his blank, or a note saying he was moved to a different desk for talking to the kid next to him, or a note saying he was upset about something at recess. He was a big fish in a small pond at their old school, we're away from the grandparents who were second in command raising the kids, etc. He is still a straight A student, doesn't get in trouble (meaning time outs, etc) but he is just definitely not himself and none of this stuff happened at their old school. Patience and finding a way to get Anthony to talk about it I think is the key.

As for advice, I don't really have any other than to let the teacher know you are aware of the problems this causes in class and are doing the best you can at home to reinforce appropriate school behavior. I'd also ask her for her suggestions.

Hang in there, he is a good kid who is just having a tough time. It will get better

Boo&BugsMom replied:
A sample conversation with Tanner:

Me: what did you do at school today?
Tanner: um, reading, writing, art...
Me: what did you make in art today?
Tanner: well...I wrote...mommy, when is it going to stop raining?



ETA: Oh, and if he's watching tv or playing a video game...forget any sort of normal conversation. I have to make him turn them off. Same with Troy...

BAC'sMom replied: Sounds like a typical little boy to me. I too have a child that is younger than everyone in his class and has had problems focusing over the years. I had a teacher use the same lame a$$ excuse years ago and diagnose my son as being ADD. Not only did I not ask for her unsolicited advice or diagnosis but she also completely over stepped her bounds and got in trouble from the school for voicing her opinion. My child is not was not ADD. In this day and age this is the first conclusion that teachers (and other people) come up with. Medicate them so they will all fall in line. They have to put a label on a child, a child cannot just be different, immature etc. The first thing I would do is make sure she is not voicing her opinion on to Anthony or treating different because of what she thinks is true. I would be up at that school for a class visit and see how she treats him.

CantWait replied:
LOL Thank you, that made my day. I have to say it's the same with dh, put him in front of the computer, tv or anything UFC and might as well forget I'm there.

And Monica, I've asked her suggestions back in December and that is when she said she would have the psychologist come in and observe, and give her suggestions on what we could do both in the class and at home, but nothing.

Calimama replied:
Ditto.

TheOaf66 replied:
Well Jennie is in trouble when the UFC Video Game comes out next month

mckayleesmom replied: Marie...Mckaylee is the same way. I actually think she is going to go on to 1st because she just recently started understanding things. She has a huge problem with impulse controll and I don't think she has ADD. I think half the problem is that sometimes teachers forget that they are 5 and 6 years old. They expect them to behave the whole time they are in school and its hard for them to do that. Mckaylee's school has a quiet policy where they have to be quiet all the time.. and that is really hard on her. Mckaylee can't be quiet to save her life. Also, the things they have to cram into their little minds before 1st grade is alot more then when we were young. Leithan's mom was telling me the other day that Dessi (same age as Mckaylee ) has spelling tests in kindergarten She has to learn 8 words a week. McKaylee can now write some sentences and read a little and I know she would fail that....Although she could remember her phone number to give to a boy . McKaylee has the opposite problem as far as fitting in...she always fits right in. Maybe you can start arranging some play dates with a couple kids in his class so he could make some one on one friends. Maybe if he had that bit of structure then he wouldn't be so impulsive when trying to get the other kids to be friends. It's so hard for them.

I'm very fortunate that Mckaylee's teacher thinks the same thing..they expect to much. She has told me numerous times that its normal and unless she gets a note home from her personally or she calls..which has happened..then to take the little things that Mckaylee does at school with a grain of salt..They are still learning the ropes. Mckaylee has already gotten 3 or 4 notes home from the bus as well....can't stop talking.

CantWait replied:
OO

CantWait replied:
Actually UFC game for what system?

CantWait replied:
LOL Poor McKaylee, I couldn't imagine as a little girl not being able to talk.

Anthony is friends with a couple kids in his class, but his teacher does not think this is a good idea because they are more mature than him I dunno, does not make sense to me. It's super hard to meet people here cause the majority of women here are stuck up, the population where we live is made up of mostly millionaires who make more money than they know what to do with, which makes for a very different mentality. Also makes difficult for meeting other kids, as Robbie finds.

TheOaf66 replied:
It is for PS3 or XBox 360. May 18. I already have mine preordered

It is one of the best looking games I have ever seen

mckayleesmom replied:
I don't know...on one hand maybe hanging out with them would mature him a little..and on the other she might sense that they are taking advantage of him. Mckaylee is a little imature in some area's as well and I have caught some kids taking advantage of that and on the other hand some have made her start acting a little more mature. Mckaylee also started kindy at 5...She turned 5 in April and school started in September..She will be 6 tomorow and most of the kids in her class seem so much older then her. They are all into Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers and Mckaylee is still into will rarely watch anything not animated and still loves her stuffed animals more then barbie.

cameragirl21 replied:
wow, Marie, I wasn't aware of that, now THAT is pretty messed up...sounds like his teacher may be a big part of the problem and maybe Anthony's behavior is just a reaction to that.
Maybe you could get some insight by having Anthony keep a journal...I'm guessing he can't write because you had mentioned that he can't read so what if the two of you did this as a nightly activity? Ask him to tell you what he'd like to write down about what happened that day or whatever is on his mind and then have him draw a picture of it to accompany each journal entry. If he is a very active child he may not sit still for this but if you could get it to work, I'd bet you'd learn a lot aobut what is going on at school and what he's thinking and feeling. And that way you don't have to mention bad behavior or getting in trouble but rather see how sees his school days through his eyes.

coasterqueen replied: Wow, I can't believe the teacher would say not to be friends w/the older kids. Kylie's best friend at school is one complete year younger than her and they get along great. A LOT of her friends are a year younger than her. I honestly don't believe she's that much more mature than them, either. Some of them are, but they are have older siblings, which I think that plays a big role in things. I say let him be friends with who he wants. This teacher is really making me question her. I'd suggest a face-to-face meeting with her and your Dh and really get things out on the table, etc, and not letters sent home with you.

mckayleesmom replied: Marie...Can you volunteer in his class? Maybe with you there he will feel a little more comfortable and not so lost in class. Also, you can see first hand how he behaves and make adjustments with him yourself.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I agree. That's a lame excuse and totally messed up. I would think hanging out with the older kids would give him good examples to follow...assuming they are well-behaved, that is. I would question her about it. That's coo-coo!

CantWait replied:
Jen, Anthony would love to do something like that. He has no problem sitting still long enough to do something he enjoys. Doing learning games with me, colouring, drawing pictures, anything art related. I think his problem is he's a right brianed person (sports and arts) *it is right, right???* We also talk EVERY night at the dinner table about school, with both kids, about what went on in class, what they learned, did etc....it's our nightly thing as soon as we sit down to eat And he loves it, if I am finished asking Robbie and have food in my mouth and don't ask him right away, he'll say "mom, don't you want to hear about my day?"lol

Bri, I have volunteered in his class once before, and to be pefectly honest it was a GONG show. My son was NOT the only kid who was running around and acting out. It was complete chaos With all the bad feelings I have towards his teacher right now, it really puts me off from wanting to do anything in his class, I just don't get a good vibe from her. Not to mention, I'm not so good with little kids other than my own, I just don't comfortable around them. Go figure, little kids scare me

paradisemommy replied: taven turned 5 july 27 and last year for K it started aug 1st so he was BRAND new 5 for the whole school year - he came home with quite a few "red" cards which is how they do the disciplining - if you are good, you get a green card - if you don't listen or are bad they give you a yellow card as a warning and if you are REALLY bad you get a red card for the day - but you can earn the better color back - taven just LOVES to be the center of attention and i'm sure that's why he got into so much trouble but he's a boy and that's how boys are -

if i were you, i would look into getting the help from the school psychologist or counselor that they previously suggested. there should be some form of help that they can offer you (for FREE) and you can look into. ita with the others in that he has had a lot to endure with his life with moving to russia and you and dh being gone - that's a lot to take in for a 5 year old.

i, too, despise the quickness that everyone likes to jump on the ADD/ADHD bandwagon. taven still loves to be the center of attention, will do anything to get a good laugh from anyone and in the 1st grade he is at the top of his class. i guess what i'm trying to say is don't worry too much - he's a boy and that's what boys do - he's trying so hard to try and fit in..(BIG HUGS)

moped replied: OMG Tammy (paradisemommy) where have you been, WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!

CantWait replied:
HELLO CHEERS TO THAT. I hope you'll stick around!!!!!!! Welcome Back, and thank you for your response.

paradisemommy replied:
hey JEN!! Long time no see!! thanks for the welcome back..and marie..anytime!!

mckayleesmom replied:
I hear you about the Gong show...I volunteered for Mckaylee's class a couple times and one time the teacher left the room for about 15 minutes. They were all well behaved when she left...but the quickly all turned on me... Two of the worst ones were Mckaylee and another little girl named Brittney..they kept tattling on each other.