Favoritism - MIL vent

redplaydoh wrote: I am so angry and hurt with my MIL. One (out of 100) reasons we moved here was that I would have some help with the kids. She said so many times before we moved she couldn't wait until we were here so she could see the kids and be there to give us a break from time to time, something we didn't have living in Connecticut.

Well.... we've been here 9 months now and she's taken the boys together twice in the afternoon from 1:00 until when DH picks them up at her place between 5 and 6pm. She's taken Bryan 3 times (same times) while Lucas was in school. She has never taken them in the evening to give DH and I time for ourselves or for an overnight visit. She lives 10 minutes away from us and we never see her. Yet, she seems to always have her grandkids from DH's brothers.

She works everyday but on M, W, and F she is off at noon. A few months ago she started watching my SIL's kids every Monday afternoon so my SIL could go back to work. So that left her just W and F to possibly take mine. I don't see that it is fair that my SIL gets free childcare so she can go earn money, where if I needed something I would probably end up having to pay for someone to watch mine.

She called me last Wed. wanting to know if I wanted to meet her at the swimming pool here in Wohlen because she had Nico and Vanessa... so she had them on Monday AND Wednesday. I went and I dropped MAJOR hints that I needed time to do some things and since Nico and Vanessa were going to Spain for two weeks that maybe she would have time for MY kids. Her reply was something like she would have to check my FIL's work schedule because if he was going to be off work she wanted to spend time with him or she'd never see him. They just returned a few weeks ago from 3 weeks of vacation together!! I told her that I was home each and every day and when she had time to please call me and she could have them for the afternoon. I haven't heard a word. Then I stated that we had been here for 9 months and hadn't had an evening together yet.. she just shrugged her shoulders. But I do know that recently she's had Nico and Vanessa for overnight visits twice... just because my BIL/SIL needed a "night off".

She DID offer to come get us and take us a few places all together... and I commented if she had the time to do that then she could watch the boys. The conversation was quickly changed.

I called my aunt in Denver and asked her if while my in-laws were staying with her a few weeks ago if my MIL happened to say WHY she doesn't want my kids... my aunt said that all that was said was that my MIL has to be careful and watch all the kids equally... when I told this to DH he about fell over and said, "where are WE on that scale??" or are we not on there at all??

We didn't even get ONE night alone to unpack without the kids, we STILL have a LOT to do and organize which is impossible to do with the boys around.... and we have hinted and hinted at that.

DH is between a rock and a hard spot. He knows if he confronts his mother that it will be a big blow-up and then she'll watch the kids just to prove something. That isn't what we want, we want her to WANT to watch them, not that she HAS to.

It is obvious that Nico and Vanessa are her favorites, Nico being her 1st grandchild and Vanessa being the girl she never had. But we don't want our kids to be left out, or realize in the future that Grossmami wants the other kids more than them. And she's calling there every week to see when she can watch the kids again, even if she has them every Monday.

DH has another brother and she has his kids at least once every two weeks if not more often and gives them nights off too... their youngest son is just a few weeks older than Bryan, so it isn't the age thing. Their saving grace is that the other grandmother has them at least 3 days a week... so everyone but us is getting help from her. She never seems to take into consideration that we never get a break but all the others do...

When we were living in the US she would come visit and spend the entire time shopping for Nico and Vanessa. Buying them 10 outfits a piece, we'd be lucky if we got one each for our kids. I remember being miffed then, thinking she sees and buys for the others all year, and she sees ours just a few times and we get one thing. It's not that she is "buying" them more, but it is so obvious they are her favorites. I'm just worried that in a short time my boys will realize this and be hurt by her actions.

Right now, we're just not calling her, or taking the boys to see her. If she ever wants to see them it will be when she can watch them. We really don't know what to do now. I just feel like we have the support system here and it is still like I am on my own.

holley79 replied: I am so sorry sweetie. My evil MIL (I have two MILs) has never held Annika, had any pictures taken with her, only lives 5 miles away and never stops in to see her. She spends time with DH's ex- wife and doing things with her kids all the time.

I would just allow her to come to you about seeing the kids. I wouldn't call.

MommyToAshley replied: I can see how you see that your MIL is showing favoritism and that would be hurtful. I hope you don't take this wrong, but maybe your MIL is taking offense to the fact that you EXPECT her to babysit. If you need a break, you could always hire a babysitter for a night. If you really want her to spend time with your kids, why don't you invite her over for dinner, cookout, or to go on a family outing... where she could spend time with your kids and know that she is not expected to be a babysitter. Maybe you have done these things, I don't know the whole story... just what you have posted above. I hope I didn't offend you, but I am trying to see things from her side as well.

With that being said, I know how hurtful it can be. My own mother has only seen my daughter a handful of times and she lives about 20 minutes away. She sees my sisters kids on a daily basis. Every time my mother has seen my daughter, I have been the one to make the effort. I don't even want her to babysit, I would just like for her to be interested in my daughters life. (I only asked her to babysit one time when we had a funueral to go to, and she declined). She buys my daughter presents for her birthday and Christmas... but that doesn't matter to me. So, yes it is hurtful. My MIL, on the other hand, sees my daughter often, is very involved in her life, asks us when my daughter can spend the night, and spoils her rotten. I am so glad that she has a wonderful relationship with at least one grandmother, but I am still and probably will always be very hurt by my own Mom's lack of interest in her granddaughter.

ETA: Sorry, didn't mean to turn your vent into my vent. Just wanted to let you know I could relate.

C&K*s Mommie replied:
I agree with Dee Dee on not expecting her to be a sitter. It would be very ideal, to have a frequent or occassional break from the kids, that is a bonus.

We have not been subject to that in that way, but I see that with my MIL and my other nephews who are in the same town as my MIL. The ones who feel shunned moved to be closer to my MIL, but they still feel shunned. Although my MIL is doing what she can to remedy those feelings, and be fair as possible to all of the grandchildren in the town.

redplaydoh replied: We have had her over here for dinner several times, we go to her house a lot too... and DH was taking the kids there on Sundays just so they could see them. The others "expect" babysitting way more than I do, so I really don't see that as the situation. The others call her very often, and I rarely have. I've been leaving it up to her in a way to spend time with the kids. The few times I've asked only once did she take them... but the others ask and each and every time she takes them, going as far as changing her own plans to do so. She seems ok to see them as long as WE are around... but never on her own as she does with the others.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: We've been down that road. My MIL is always harping about how she wants to spend time with US too...not just the kids. Which I can understand... but from my point of view... any time that the kids are at my in lwas is time that I can further house repair, reno, etc... when I have the kids around, I don't have much opportunity to do stuff, even just like laundry.

MY MIL often calls us to ask if I "need a break" and I always tell her that No, I don't need a break - but if you want to see the kids, that's fine, because I don't want her to think she's doing me any favors by taking th ekids off my hands. But I'm petty that way with her.

I totally know how you feel though. My MIL is always buying things for her other 2 grandkids...and only on special occasions for my kids. I'm not all that into the gifts thing... but I mean... it's just RUDE to do it in my face, ya know?

aspenblue1 replied: I have had issues with my MIL also she tends to pay more attention to Isabella then to Kyrsten it drives me nuts. She ran out and bought Isabella a pair of crocs because she had to have them and would never do that for Krysten. It is very frustrating. Have you tried having you DH talk to her let her know it is upsetting your family how she treat them?

CosmetologyMommy replied: I know how that is. my MIL watches my SIL kids ALLLLL the time. I was in school and she did watch Aidan, but we HAD TO PAY HER. My SIL does not. Then, out of nowhere she said she did not want to watch Aidan anymore.

So now, when she calls(which is once in a VERY BLUE MOON) to see Aidan, I make sure to make plans. I know it is rude but she needed a dose of her own medicine. We aren't just waiting for her to call.

Cece00 replied: I have a MIL who was BIG TIME into favoritism. She'd watch the other grandchild, but not any of mine....she'd bug me to bring the kids to HER house but wouldnt come to see them @ my houes or public places (her house is not childproofed & she spends the entire visit bitching about them messing with this or that ), she spoils the other grandchild, not mine. Eventually, primarily because of this & b/c she is psycho, we chose to no longer have a relationship with her. Its been GREAT We spent so much time trying to MAKE her be fair & it was just NOT worth the effort. We're much happier now, not dealing with the situation @ all.

moped replied: I am sorry!


I guess I am lucky because my family and in laws are all great...............maybe have a talk with her

Bee_Kay replied:
My MIL is the exact same way.

DH's exwife has a child from after their divorce.... and MIL calls the ex her daughter, and the ex's kid her granddaughter

Chalk it up to... HER LOSS!

redchief replied: I've been struggling all day with what would constitute a wise reply to you. I can't come up with anything that would make you feel better. I have a very supportive family, and I don't know what I would do in your position. All I have to offer are