Feelin very bad - my son hates me

MissyKay2005 wrote: My oldest son Brandon went to camp this past week. First i will explain that his father and I have shared custody so he is back and forth alot. Anyway i went to pick him up this evening from camp. His father had droped him off on Sunday and told him that he may come and get him too but I was asked by his wife to go and get him since it was my weekend to have him anyway. When I got there and he saw me he was so upset his dad wasn't there. I was so deeply hurt but tried as hard as I could to not let on that I was. After I got him talking he was excited to tell me about his week and everything was fine until we got home and it was time for bed. He started crying saying he wanted to sleep at his dad's house. He has never done this before and I had no idea how to react to this. I couldn't get him to stop so i called his dad and asked him to talk to him and if Brandon still wants to leave to come and get him. I did not want to make him stay here if he didn't want to be here. So he ended up coming and getting him
Maybe he is just going through a stage but I feel as though i am losing him you know. I don't even know how to feel about this. I am hurt and angry and I don't know what else. I know if I am patient it will ride out and things will be ok. It is ok that he misses his father and it is ok that he wants to be with him but I want him to be ok with me too and for the first time in his life I wasn't ok to him.
Thanks for listening.

mummy2girls replied: (((HUGS)))

I havent been through this with jenna ( yet) ... but i used to nanny for a family where the kids strayed at the moms for a week and then at the dads for a week. The youngest child( 3 years old) took it the hardest. He always missed his daddy and would cry for him. I knew it hurt the mom but she did as you did...did not make him stay.. and that was a good thing. It was just a phase and he did stop doing it. So hang in there he will turn around and want to be with you more as well. I Know it hurts but as much as it hurts you just cant let the child see. ( i know easier said than done)

Shared custody is a hard situation on a child... emotionally, and mentally. the child will get use to one place and then be told its time to go to the pther parents place for a while. That would ne hard on us adults so its way worse on a child.

i believe that no matter what the relationship is between parents you have to try to make it a happy emvironment for the kids. And it seems you are! Hang in there hun it will get better!

luvmykids replied: I'm sure that broke your heart! I don't have any advice other than to try to stay calm and cool so he doesn't feel like he has to "choose", I think it's partly his age too, I know our little boys will always be OUR little boys but maybe because of his age he's just feeling the need for male relationships more than before.

I know it's very hard on my son when he hasn't seen his dad in a while, just like his dad can't replace me, I can't replace him and the "male bonding" they do.

MissyKay2005 replied: Thank you so much for the encouraging words I am feeling a little bit better about this. I am glad that he loves his dad and can have a relationship with him like this. I know it is so hard on Brandon to go back and forth. I need to try to put the focus on him and not my own feelings about it. His father and I will be talking more about the idea of Brandon coming with me everyother weekend instead of shared. Not do to this or anything but due to us moving in August and it will alot farther for him to get to school from my house and I feel it will be better for Brandon to be with his dad on school days and know Brandon will enjoy it much better since all his friends live by him there and such. I am broken hearted by all this but I want to do what is best for Brandon and I certainly don't want him to be somewhere where he does not want to be. It may work better this way too because my husband and I can focuss more on Brandon when he comes to visit then everything else that is going on here too with Boden and the new baby coming. Thanks again for you hugs and ears.

ZandersMama replied:

Momof3inMe replied: I have been where you are. I have 2 boys 11 and 8 and they go with thier dad everyother weekend and all of a sudden this summer they want to spend so much time with him. I would never say they can't go but when they are gone I miss them so much. I also get hurt when they say well at dad's we do this and that and you never let us. So now I try really hard to just let them go for as long as they can b/c it is summer and in the fall when school starts they wont be able to stay extra with him. Keep your chin up things will work out I am sure

Jeffs Wife replied: I don't know if this will help, but I have been through this and I think it is just the age and a guy thing. My oldest son will be 18 this September. I had full custody of him his whole life, his dad had visitation on and off every other weekend, but they never had a close relationship. When my son turn 12, right out of the blue he decided he wanted to go live with his father. I can't even tell you what it did to me. I did n't want to let him go, but I was a single parent at the time and his dad was married with a stable home, in a good school district. I had to let him go, it would have been selfish of me to have made him stay with me. He moved in with his dad and he came to see me every weekend and spent most of his summers with me. I had to find out him wanting to live with his dad really didn't have anything to do with him not loving me or wanting to be around me, he just need his dad more at that time in his life.

I know it is hard and your heart might be breaking, but try to not take it personally, your son loves you, he's growing up and needs his dad more at this time in his life, but he still needs you too and he always wiil .....Michelle

MissyKay2005 replied:
Thank you very much for shareing. And this is the conclution we have come up with. He is going on 10 and needs his dad right now. I just have to let him go and wait until he comes back to me.

mamasbigbaby replied:

CantWait replied: I'm so sorry. I have no advice, but it really does sound like an age thing, and with him being a boy and needing dad.

redchief replied: I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I'm certain this isn't about you as much as it is about Brandon and his age. Ten year olds like constants. Changes, especially during a socially stressful time like camp, are really stressing on them. That's not to say they don't like the camp experience or anything, usually they love it and it helps them grow socially and gives them a sense of independence. It makes me think of how I feel coming back from vacation... I'm sorry vacation is over but I can't wait to sleep in my own bed. If you and your ex are able to discuss this, perhaps there would be a way for both of you to come up with some way to make both of his beds feel like home together?

I'm sure Brandon loves you very much. Separations are tough on little kids, and the anger and hurt that they feel, even long after the separation, may exhibit is surprising ways. I don't know if that was any help at all, but I wish you well in however you decide to best handle it.

ashtonsmama replied: I'm so sorry, I'm sure that's got to be really tough on you both, as a child who's gone through multiple divorces, I know how he feels, it's so hard to share parents and have to go to different houses, it really is...

Halo42101 replied: Sending & prayers for you & Brandon.