Feeling kind of depressed... - DH still doesn't want a baby.

Esseilte wrote: So last night while having dinner, I very non-confrontationally asked DH, "Why don't you want babies?" I tried to keep it very light-hearted, as in the past the discussion of babies usually ends up in a huge fight (the only thing we fight about). His response was, "I'm not ready, we're not ready, and I don't think you're ready." I tried not to get pissed at his assumption that I wasn't ready, and just said, as nicely as possible, "But what if you never feel ready?" His response was, "That's not a compelling enough argument to have a baby." We had a dance class to go to, and he suggested we talk about it more some other time, but I'm just really feeling despondent over it.

In the past he's accused me of wanting children to fill some sort of void in my life he accuses me of having, like there's something wrong with me, or that I'm unhappy with my life and I think a baby will make it better. This is totally unfair, as I *am* happy with my life, but I want a baby, and having one will make my life complete. I don't think there's something wrong with me for wanting a baby.

I firmly told him before that I *had* to have kids before I was 35, and it seems to me, that to him, that means getting me pregnant when I'm 34, which is basically forcing me into a situation where at best, I'll have one child before I'm 35, but what if I want more than one? He doesn't seem to understand that it can take months to conceive, and when I set the 35 age limit, that was the very outer limits, not the minimum.

It's just a terribly depressing situation because I love him very, very much, but I feel like he's forcing me into a position where I have to chose between him and having children, and I'm sorry, but he'll lose, and that just makes me want to leave him sooner rather than later, because I need to be with someone who wants kids.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble, I'm just really depressed.

V. =\

jcc64 replied: Hi and welcome! I guess I'd be interested in knowing your age, if you don't mind. Whether or not to have children is a deal breaker in a marriage, imo. I would never have entered into a marriage w/o a serious commitment on the part of my future life partner. Is this something you discussed before getting married? Are his views surprising to you now? The thing is- there really is no room for compromise where kids are concerned. It's such a life changing, all consuming commitment that BOTH people better be firmly on board or it's a recipe for disaster. I find your dh's views about parenthood strangely out of touch with the biological urges most of us feel at some point in our lives- could it be that he feels ok about it at some point, and just not right now? I don't know you at all, I certainly can't comment on whether now is the right time for you to conceive a child, but it sounds like parenthood is a very important goal in your life- and no one should ever try to deny you of that. I think if this is how you really feel, you better have a serious sitdown about it- forget trying to joke or keep it light- and let him know unequivocally how you feel about it. I wish you luck, and I hope things turn out how you want them to.

Esseilte replied: I turned 30 in September. My DH turned 28 in January. When we first met and started dating, he said he never wanted to have children. We he proposed, I told him I couldn't marry him if he didn't want children, and he told me that he did eventually want to have kids. In May we'll have been together for 6 years, married for 2. When we got engaged, eventually seemed like a good answer, I suppose I should have asked him to be more specific. With the arrival of my 30th birthday, I kind of freaked out, having wanted to have my children much earlier. My mom was a young mom, and I've always valued the relationship I've had with her, and now I'm just feeling so depressed that I'm going to be one of the "old" moms.

V.

DVFlyer replied: You're both right in your feelings about children. Keep in mind, his feelings are his and yours are yours. Neither have a right to change the other.

If he doesn't want children now, and doesn't know when he'll be ready, you will have to decide if this relationship is worth waiting for him to be "ready". He may never know, but that doesn't mean you have to wait. Sad but true.

Whatever you do, don't have children with someone who doesn't want them. Yes, he may fall instantly in love with them but he may easily have the opposite reaction. It is fair to neither of you to have children without an agreement that it is the right time to have them.

jcc64 replied: Well, you're certainly old enough to fully consider the implications of having a child, though not so old that I'd consider you a candidate for an "older mom". I had my first when I was 27, my last when I was 37, and actually, that pg was the most comfortable and pleasant for me.
I sympathize with you. I felt the same urges- and turning 30 is a good time to start paying attention to them. There's a good reason for that- your fertility starts to drop off considerably after 30- I have more than one friend who simply waited too long and once they finally felt "ready", their bodies had passed them by. So, I think what you're feeling is natural, normal, and something you should be paying attention to.
I guess I would make it clear to your dh that it's presumptious of him to pretend to know why you want to have a baby, and to assign some sort of pathological reason to your longings. I would want to know why he views childrearing with such negative connotations. Having a baby is joyous and life affirming- but clearly he doesn't feel this way. You need to get him to reveal his hand, hon- b/c like you said, eventually does have to happen, well, eventually. Don't let him drag your feet until it's too late.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I certainly cannot trump what Jeanne and DVFlyer have said already, I am in total aggreance with both comments. Hugs to you, and to the boards.

crazymum replied: welcome to the board hope you and your dh figure out what to do and hopfully the worst thing to happen, doesnt happen.

ZandersMama replied: i would suggest being very sure that you both want it bbefore pushing for anything. dh was a bit unsure a bit unsure about having children, but went along with it, and when i got preggo he panicked and left me. we are fine now, he loves me and our son so much, and we are trying for another, but it was a frightening pregnancy because of it.

Mommy2Isabella replied: Welcome to the boards ...


Sal <DH) has a brother who in around 38 and he kept telling his wife, Im not ready, we aren't ready. Maybe your DH feels he isn't ready because of the financial obligations. He may feel that he isn't ready to make that commitment to raise another human. These are all assumptions as I do not know him.

I know PERSONALLY, I wasn't ready when I got pregnant. I am 19 and the last thing on my mind was a baby. But I don't encourage that you get pregnant in hopes that he will get ready. I have transitioned into being ready. Though I am still TERRIFIED about how greatly my life will change.

One of my biggest fears that I would tell Sal all the time in the beginning of my pg, was I was afraid I was going to miss out on stuff. What that stuff was I HAVE NO IDEA. I had to ask myself this question * Is what I am going to miss out on more important than the baby? * The answer to that in my mind was NO WAY. Though we were told it would be very difficult for me to get pg, and since I have it hasn't been a smooth ride. Though, I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING.

Maybe you should have a serious heart -to- heart with him. Explain to him what you are feeling. Why you want to have children. But, at the same time ask him why he feels he isn't ready. Why he feels you aren't ready. That may shed some light on his EVENTUALLY.

I hope this situation starts looking up for you

CosmetologyMommy replied: I can sort of relate. I have one son, 7 month old Aidan and my DH is dead set against another. He even wants me to get my tubes tied because he is so against having another baby. He will not even talk to me about it! Do u have friends with babies or nieces and nephews? maybe u can babysit on a saturday and go to the park or something and just let them be around ur dh and maybe he will start thinking about a baby. good luck!

Esseilte replied: Thanks everyone for the kind words and outpouring of support. I think I may suggest going to marriage counseling, because this is an issue I don't feel I can wait much longer on.

I've had a couple family members tell me that it's up to me when I have kids, but I think this is so wrong. I've seen what happens when a man is forced into fatherhood. My older brother (he's 32) married his wife when he was 21, and told her, under no uncertain terms, that he *never* wanted children. A few years into their marriage she got pregnant, and waited until she was almost 5 months along before she told him (my brother was thinking about leaving her, and they'd been fighting, and not sleeping together, so that's how he didn't notice). My brother loves his son dearly, but he still confides to me that he resents his wife, and no matter how much he loves his son (who just turned 8), he wishes he hadn't been born. Oddly, my brother is one of the people that tells me I should just get pregnant and let my DH deal with it. I think my brother just wants someone else to be as miserable as he is.

So, having kids before DH is ready, is clearly out of the question, and I guess what's so depressing about the whole situation is it seems, that I'm going to be left with no other option but to leave him, and hope to find a man that does want children. It's all just overwhelming and sad.

Thanks again for all the support! I love this community!

V.

Esseilte replied: So, DH and I had "the talk" last night. He told me he doesn't feel ready because he says I'm always depressed (which is so untrue) and he worries that having a baby won't make me any happier and may make things worse.

He told me he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum. I told him I wasn't, but that at some point, I might have to. I just told him I wanted him to realize how serious I was.

He said he'd think about what I said. He was really quiet the rest of the night, and most of this morning (we carpool to work together), he didn't really say anything to me at all.

I can't help but think he's contemplating leaving me.

I can't help it, though, I had to talk to him. Hopefully something good will come from all this.

V. =)

ashtonsmama replied: I think you need to light a fire under him...

Tell him how extremely important this is to you, and also let him know that you do understand how he's feeling, so he knows that you're listening to him. But I'd say that this is SO important to you, and when you married him you picked him to be the father of your kids, expecting he'd want the same...I'm assuming you did talk about kids before you were married?

Good luck...I'm sorry this is so hard right now...I hope he realizes soon how much a baby means to you, and wises up on the wonderful wife he has!

You seem like a very caring and sweet lady, and I really hope this all works out for you both. I'm sorry it's hard right now...

We're here for you.