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Fight with dh, about MIL

Hillbilly Housewife wrote: We watched dr. phil yesterday - and it "happened" to be on mil's not seeing their grandchild because of stuff she'd do.

Anyways we got into it about his mom... and it got pretty ugly.... but some good came out of it. Here is the jist of the conversation:

me: why do you always let her win?
dh:i don't
me: you do... we talk about stuff, we agree on it - then your mom goes against it and you don't say a word
him: i don't want to hurt her feelings
me:what do you think you do to me when you betray what we agreed on?
him:it's not that important, the little things she does
me: that's besides the point - it's not WHAT she does.. it's that she does it even when we ask her not to... then she tells you she did it - and you let it go!!
him: you kjnow how she is - she'll get upset
me: and i won't? (yelling)
him: why are you always against her? (yelling)
me: why do you always defend her? (yelling)
him: because nobody else will!! (yelling)
me: thatnks for making my point for me.
him,: whayt's that supposed to mean?
me: it means that she's psycho enough not to have any friends... her own husband won't even defend her or her behavior - if you feel that you need to be the good son and protect her - go ahead - but don't make me be nice... because nobody else is. The only difference with the way I feel about your mom and the way my parents feel about your mom is that i'm not 2-faced about it and i'm not a hypocrite. If she toicks me off - i tell her - i don't bite my tonge and then bit** behind her back. Other people can avoid her... we can't - she's dumb enough not to get the hinnt when she calls and we don't answer any of our 3 phone lines, that she COMES OVER to make sure we're ok!! Hello?! get the hint alreadfy...You know nobody can stand her.. even your brother requested a traqnsfer to alberta so they didn';t have to deal with her! So don't you dare tell me that i shouldn't get so mad...
dh: that;s not fair
me: no, it's not - but that's life - and if you can't deal with it and stand up for what we agree on to your mother - then you can have her all to yourself and protyect her all you want - from her house.
dh:what are you saying?
me: i'm saying that i'm finished with your mom - you said so yourself - nobody else will defend her... she's too nuts for me - i'm not going to poison us any longer - we only fight about HER!
dh:she's always going to be my mom - you're gpoing to have to see her sometimes...
me: no, actually - because she's YOUR mom. There is nothing tyig me to her. You want the kids to see her - yoiu take them... but leave me the he** out of it - and our family comes first. If you cannot put our family in front of your mom's feelings, you're not fit to have a fam,ily.

And I walked out - I went to my mom's house.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Ok I have a ton to say on this

My marriage has been thru this so many times. It's me against them.. I feel. I am like you, I say what I have to say.. to my father and we have always had that relationsip. We have always known that whatever we say in disagreement..doesn't affect our love for each other. I am wrong at times and so is my Dad..but we can talk about it. It was always like that for us though.

Now Dh and his family is different. They can't talk about things. He was raised to RESPECT and not question them. So many times I have been so mad at the things they have said and done to our children and myself. I have thru 8 years of marriage learned a bit though. No matter what they say or do.. They are Dh's family..they are the reason he is who he is. They may get on my last nerve but they are his family.

We have come to an agreement.. The small stuff is small stuff. If they say something flippant then I let it fly. If it comes to my kids.. then I can say something and he will support me. We just have to figure out what is important enough to fight about. THe small stuff doesnt' matter to me.. it's the big stuff. The stuff that hurts the kids. Me, I am an adult and can take up for well as him. If he wants to let them treat him that's his choice..but we have agreed the line for us is the children.

Now you need to talk to your Dh..and decide where to draw the line for ya'll. Your line is not gonna be his line..but you have to work to the middle.

The only advice I can give is this.. don't make him choose. Dont' make it me or her. Make it about the kids if anything. If my Dh said to me.. I don't like your dad or the way he does things.. It's me or him..what do you think I would say.. Adios! Is what I woudl say.. And I am sure Dh would be the same.. It puts you on the defensive automatically..

Take it easy and pic your battles. Family is family..and maybe not now..but someday you will be glad you choose to work together.

For me, I don''t go around them much. I try to take it in small spurts. I haven't seen my MIL since April 8th..when she wasn't sure if she could make it too Tanner's But that's Okay.. If Randy wants to see her he is more than welcome too.. That's his Mom. If I go to my Dads it doens't have to be a family can just be me goign to visit my Dad..that seems to be the best way for us!

coasterqueen replied: I agree, you really can't make him choose. I've had these conversations with DH as well and have realized it is wrong to make him choose. I know, it's what we want to do because they make us so angry and it would resolve our anger, but it's not right. Somehow he needs to come to a compromise w/o having to choose. Maybe sit down with him and tell him you don't want him to have to choose, but he needs to come to some sort of agreement that he WILL honor.


Hillbilly Housewife replied: Oh I did tell him that if he wanted to go see her and take the kids to see her - to go - but to leave me out of it. I don't have to see her... and so I won't. It's not me or her - it's whether he can stand up tp his mom on things that dh and i agreed on as the parents... and not letting her get away with that.

dh doesn't respect his mom at all... he tolerates her as much as the next person... but he just doesn't want to go through the hassle of having her upset at him. She's worse than I am. rolleyes.gif

amynicole21 replied: We watched that Dr. Phil too - that woman could have been my Mother's twin - wonder why I don't get along with her? rolleyes.gif

That said, it is apparently very easy to NOT have a relationship with your in-laws. My BIL has managed it pretty well so far dry.gif I think you're better off cutting her out of YOUR life, but letting DH deal with her. I think it will make you happier when you give up any control of the matter. If he gets angry about something she did, say "oh, sorry - I can't comment on that" and be done with it. Wash your hands of her nonsense.

I do agree that when it comes to the kids it's a different story, though. That will take some working on. Unfortunately, there is no way to get this woman out of your life for good, but making DH deal with her exclusively may be the best solution. hug.gif

Kaitlin'smom replied: so basically he would rather keep the waves calm than stir thing up?

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
yep - and i can't blame him... but i'm tired of him telling me yes X then doing Z.

She's been out of MY life for quite some time... I hardly ever answer her phone calls - if I do get one by mistake - I pretty much just tell her i'll get dh.. I don't answer the door (we can't hear the doorbell from the basement anyways) and I hardly ever say two words to her about anything.

I remember once she askd me why I never called her to chat about how the kids were doing and updates etc.. I told her that it was her son's job to do that - that I updated MY family, and that he's the one that should update his... emlaugh.gif

There was a period of time that I didn't see or talk to her for 3 whole months. Best 3 months I've had in years!! wink.gif

Cece00 replied: Thank god my husband and I are pretty much united on this front. I had said a few months back that he was welcome to see her but I would not be, and he said he would tell her hello, etc, if he saw her out in public but didnt really want a relationship with her, that was fine with both of us. Then, he pulled more crazy stuff a few weeks ago and he decided we would cut her off 100% for an unspecified period of time. Including even phone conversations, etc. He was willing to give her chances earlier but after the last bout of craziness, I think he is pretty much done. He has always been respectful of how I have felt, etc, and I think that is because its not so much about not stirring up the waves, but hoping his mother would come around, but knowing it wasnt likely. Plus she will try that me against DH tactic & my husband ALWAYS tells her "Crystal and I are a TEAM, there is no me and Crystal, there is US, we are partners." So its clear to her that we are not this divided front she can play against.

My older 2 boys dad used to be the biggest mama's boy, letting his mom (or should I say TRYING to let his mom) get away with whatever she wanted, partly b/c he was a pushover/mama's boy and partly b/c she'd throw fits he didnt want to deal with and it caused ENORMOUS problems in our relationship. And in the end, when it comes to me and my children, I will ALWAYS win, so it was pointless for her to act that way and pointless for him to give into her.

The show reminded me a LOT of my MIL, but I was a little annoyed by Dr. Phil saying they should let her see the child. If the parents dont want it, grandma doesnt get it. She was spouting off about grandparents rights, which REALLY reminded me of my MIL, who tries to say crap like that, and I dont know what state they were in, maybe they exist in her state but in MY state, grandparents rights are EXTREMELY limited and my MIL does not qualify to see my daughter & unborn son with my husband (my husband would have to die or go to jail for a long period of time, OR if we got divorced and he was not allowed to see my kids, she MIGHT be granted rights, and it would be like 5 hrs a month) and my older two are not even biologically related to her so she couldnt even try with them. I wonder sometimes if she will try to get a lawyer & see my kids, because she seems to think she is above the law. I know she'd be shot down by a lawyer in a second laugh.gif part of me would like her to try just so she'd look and feel like an idiot. rolling_smile.gif

I dont know, I am a BIG advocate of a husband putting his MARRIAGE first, children second, and other people third (that includes his mommy), and so I am with you, I disagree with what your DH is doing, esp seeing the stress its putting on you. JMO. That doesnt mean he should NEVER see her again but I think he is being pretty disrespectful of you, wanting to bring the kids, because the whole point behind her not seeing the kids was b/c of her behavior with the kids.

Kaitlin'smom replied:
Well theres got to be some line for him, maye not with the adults (you or DH) but with the kids. Got to be some breaking point. I finllay got that way with one of my sisters and we only talk when she calles me for business questions and that it no how are you chit chat. It just better not to have that stress in my life anymore. Sure its sad kait wont ever really know that Aunt but I dont know her youngest two either.

JAYMESMOM replied: I can so relate. My husband and I always end up down this road because his family cannot let things go and now won't be anywhere that my family is.

My DH and my parents I think at times are closer than I am too them and he will always be the Favorite SIL.

Well after 2 years of my daughter getting snubbed over Jim's son from his first marriage. I had enough. We together reached an agreement.

He can go to his moms, call her, etc. but I am not going unless I want to. (Meaning I am in a really generous mood or high on meds - lol)

Jayme does not go over to their house -- she can come to mine to see her when I am not there. She is not allowed around his BIL or SIL.

Nick is his son first - even though he is "our" son and I didn't say he had to make those rules for Jayme apply to him but they do per my husband's decision.

I did go over on Mother's Day with him but Jayme stayed with my mom.

I do not go for the unequal treatment and Jayme is treated different than Nick or my BIL's daughter (who by the way is treated better than either of my 2)

I also won't stand for any child's parents being bad talked in front of them. My in-laws are notorious for tearing apart my BIL's ex in front of his daughter. They tried to do it with Nick's mom but I wouldnt stand for it. We may not always see eye to eye and I don't agree with everything his mom may do but those conversations do not need to be done in the presence of any child.

My issues will clear up however in a few months when they move to FL. biggrin.gif

His brother on the other hand will still be here but he doesn't come around our house so we just don't go there.

Now for my parents my husband will tell them when he is upset and they respect both our wishes with the kids as much as grandmas can. I have an easy rule if I am there with them it is my rules if they are their alone it is their rules. THis applying to snacks, bedtimes, dinner, etc. But then again they aren't much differnt then my rules beause I am a true product of my mother. rolleyes.gif

ilovemybaby replied: hug.gif Have you come to any kind of agreement since then?

I was lucky that when I told MIL that she wasn't seeing Abby anymore that my FIL stuck up for me. He said to Paul that he had to make a choice between me and her. Because he knew that I wouldn't put up with her anymore. Not that Paul didn't agree. Her saying what she did about letting Abby get cut up by their fan to make a point to her to not touch (she said she would let her get cut up by their fan just to make a point to her) was it for both of us. Paul was yelling at her on the phone and he told her she is sick. So we changed our phone number. I made a post about it all... but it will be way back in pages now.
To cut a long story short the last time we visited her she had a hat pin lying on her dining room table, safety pins and clips and small coins lying on her coffee table as well as medications including half a tablet just lying on the table unwrapped and Abby picked it up and went to stick it in her mouth. She also picked up the clips, money and hat pin. The fan does not have the cover on it anymore so the blades are exposed.
This was after Paul had already asked her to not leave small or dangerous objects lying on the coffee table. So she had her chance and she stuffed it up.

ilovemybaby replied: Oh yeah and I wouldn't even let him take Abby to see her without me. I don't trust her to watch Abby properly and I know Paul can be a bit careless sometimes and he says he will watch her but gets talking to someone and isn't watching her at all. So I had to go with him if she was begging to see Abby. Which I hated.
I'm so glad we don't have to deal with her anymore.

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