Grandpa passed away - I'm struggling/long post/vent

luvmykids wrote: About a year ago my grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer (he never smoked, BTW) and had a lung removed. Things looked great until 6 months ago, when it showed up in the other lung. He didn't want any treatment, just didn't feel like it was worth it to buy another 6 mos to a year. We went down to visit a few times in the last 6 months and said our goodbyes, etc. So as far as that part goes, we knew it was coming and I felt at peace knowing I'd seen him and that he was actually excited to finally meet his Saviour. And I know my mom and grandma feel the same, but I'm hurt for them. My grandparents were married for 68 years, she's just never been without him since she was 18.

My mom and grandma told me a long time ago they didn't want me to worry about coming to the funeral, for one thing it would be a hard trip with the kids, to drive 5 hours, go to the service, and turn around and come back, secondly my mom has a sanctuary for abused and neglected birds and since my dad is doing the memorial service they need someone to take care of the birds, it's not the kind of thing where someone can just stop by once a day. So I know it means a lot to my parents to be able to go and not have to worry about the birds.

But I'm having a really hard time with not going. I'm the only family member who won't be going, and I feel guilty. And I just want to honor the man who taught me how to swim and tie my shoes and shell pecans and was my icon as far as a real man, father, and husband. I know the family understands, and I know I need to do this to allow my mom to be with her family but I hate it. I didn't get to go to my other grandpas funeral either, I was young and too upset and my parents thought I wouldn't be able to handle it, and that has always, always bothered me. I don't want to miss this one too but don't really have a choice and it sucks.

If you read this whole thing, thank you. I just needed to vent.

CosmetologyMommy replied: I am soo sorry about you grandpa. I do not know what I would do without mine. He has been there for me since the falling out of me and my mom. I know you will be there in spirit and your family understands and I am sure your grandpa understands too!

CAMSMOM1 replied: OH Monica, I'm so sorry. I just got your PM about it, but I didn't know the whole story. That is incredibly sad.

I have never had a family member pass away, but I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. And I know how badly you want to be there. I understand someone needs to take care of the birds, but is there a close friend who could watch them for a couple of days. I understand they need constant care, but there has to be a way for you to go and honor him.

You know I'm here for you sweetie, and I love you. I will hold your family up in prayer, and I hope there is a way you can be apart of the ceremony.



Edit: to say that your Grandpa knew you cared and loved him. You were there for him during this hard time, and we able to say your goodbyes, and that's what matters the most, you had some closure and was there in his final moments. You will be there in spirit. I will pray for your Grandma, 68 years of marriage is just amazing. Your Grandparents sound like beautiful and amazing people, and I'm glad that you were so blessed to have them apart of your life.

C&K*s Mommie replied:

Wishing everyone peace in knowing that he is at peace.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Well, I'm crying just reading your post. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. Hun, I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it. I've been in situations like that and I still just hate it even though so many people understand. I know you want to pay your last respects.

The next time you get a chance to head that way, why don't you stop by the cemetery and place some flowers on the grave and pay your respects in that manner?

I wish I had more to offer.

amymom replied: Monica, I am so sorry. I totally understand, more than I want to explain in this thread. Just know that I feel for you and understand.

What everyone has said is so true, I am glad too that you had special times with your Grandfather. I wish I could help and have you be able to go to the funeral.

If you find that you really can't go, then honor him in some other way. For instance, as Aimee said, if there is a cemetary than go there and remember him. If not choose a spot near you and pray and remember him at this spot. Maybe send flowers to your Grandma, shortly after the services are all done. What I have found is that about 4-6 weeks after a spouse dies, the remaining one gets 'forgotten'. Not forgotten on purpose but... What I mean is all the well wishers, all the cards, all the food stops and people get back to their 'normal' lives. But the spouse's life was all about that other person and it has stopped. So maybe your contribution could be different than others since you could go down in a months time or so and remember Grandpa with Grandma, when she is beginning to have the loneliness sink in. (I hope I explained that ok???)

Bee_Kay replied: I am so sorry.

I don't know what else to say the everyone else hasn't said already, but you and your family are in my thoughts.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: I am so sorry, I wish I could come watch the birds and kids so you could go (my parents and I have exotic parrots so I know something)....

I have you in my thoughts and prayers along with your WHOLE family.
I think if there was a way for you to go your family would have helped you find it. Know that they understand and know we are all here for you no matter what.

Missi

luvmykids replied:
Thats a great idea, I think that would be a wonderful time to visit and she'd probably really welcome the thought of the kids when the shock has worn off and the lonliness has really set in.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies, I appreciate you so much and all the prayers, hugs and thoughts mean so much.

My3LilMonkeys replied:

Edward's Mommy replied: Another special thing you could do is send her flowers or a card or something like that every year on the anniversary of his death. Just so she knows that she's still loved by someone! My DH's dad died when he was 18, and his mom still won't talk about him. I felt very honored when she discussed his death with me. You're in my heart and my thoughts and prayers!!!

A&A'smommy replied: That is TOTALLY Understandble I would be upset too!!! I don't have any advice I just wanted to lend you some support!!

mommymonster replied: It is so hard to loose someone close to you, I still struggle and it has been a little while.
You and your family will be in our prayers tonight, God Bless

kayla's mama replied: Oh Monica, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss I really don't know what to say to comfort you that has not already been said. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

MamaJAM replied: I'm so sorry for your loss.

3xsthefun replied: I'm so sorry for your loss.

jcc64 replied: First of all, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your grandpa. He sounded like a lovely man, and you're lucky that you got to share so many special moments with him. I understand how you feel the pull to be with the family at this time, but the best thing you can do is allow your mom to do her grieving unencumbered with the concerns of everyday life. I think the suggestion that you go visit in a month or two is an excellent one. In the first days after a death, there is a numbness that protects you, coupled with all the company and the food and the services, and basically, there's not alot of time to let the loss sink in. It's true that after awhile, everyone drifts back to their own lives, and the grieving spouse is left with alot of empty space and sadness. This is the best time to be with your grandma, believe me.
In the meantime, if you need an outlet for your own grief, why don't you create a memory stone with your kids that can be placed in the ground near your grandpa's grave, or in their garden, or in your grandma's yard, wherever. You can buy kits at any decent craft store, that will allow you to create a special message, design, whatever. We did that for my dad- I had each of my kids sign the cement when it was still wet, we put a special message, and we created a butterfly design out of little glass pieces, b/c my dad loved butterflies. We gave it to my mom on our first Father's Day w/o him.
Big hugs to you and your family at this difficult time.

ToriTrouble replied: I'm so sorry.
I lost my grandma over two years ago, and I still ache for her.
She lived a great life, but towards the end things weren't good and I am so sorry she had to suffer.
Be comforted in that you can talk to your grandfather from whereever you are, you don't have to be at his funeral to say your goodbyes.
Hugs to you.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry for your loss! My prayers are with you and your family!

fashionmumofboys replied: I'm sorry to hear the loss of your grandpa.

You and your family will be in my prayers and thoughts.

MommyToAshley replied: I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grandfather sounds like a wonderful man.

I just saw this thread, and I hope I am not reapeating this suggestion because I didn't read everyone's post. Is there a way your DH could take care of the birds and you could go with your parents?

I was young when my grandfather passed, and my parents didn't want me to see him the way he was in the hospital. It still haunts me that I never got to go and say good-bye to him. So, if you think you need to to go the funeral, I would look for another solution to having someone look after the birds. If that's not possible, maybe you can stop by the cemetary on another day and plant some flowers in his honor. Just a thought.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

luvmykids replied: I just wanted to say thanks again to all of you, it's helped a lot just to be able to vent and know that people are thinking of us.

I spent all weekend trying to figure out how to go but me being away for any length of time (driving time alone would be 10 hours round trip) bothered my mom, it would've been too long a gap for the animals. I'm feeling better just knowing that she's able to be with my grandma worry free and I'm planning a trip to head down in about a month when my grandma really needs the diversion.

Tomorrow during the service I'm going to our church here just to sit for a few minutes and think about him at the same time as the memorial, I think that will allow me to feel like I've at least taken the time to pay him respects, if that makes any sense.

Thanks again, you all are wonderful.

CantWait replied: I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. I can't imagine how you feel. I dread the day my grandma passes away. Because we live so far and it would be so expensive I don't know if I'll be able to make it. Maybe you can go at a later date and meet your grandmother and have a private memorial if she is up to it.

CantWait replied:

BAC'sMom replied: Just so you know I'm thinking of you