Grandparents' rights & responsibilities

msoulz wrote: After reading another thread I started to wonder how others feel about this topic.

What rights (and relative responsibilites) to grandparents have to/over their grandchildren? I'm not talking about children in bad situations where the parents are abusive or anything like that, just everyday existence.

My outlaws seem to think they have the right to input on whatever they see fit when it comes to the grandkids. They don't do this so much to us as DH has pretty much set up and enforced appropriate boundaries, but we see it a lot with his siblings. However, the siblings also allow the grandparents to pay for a lot of stuff, which I think then makes them feel they have even more say. Things like tutors, extracurricular activities, what they wear to church, and other stuff.

My MIL announced at my daughter's birthday this year that the dress she had purchased Erin was her Christmas dress and she also wanted to buy her patent leather shoes to go with it. I was really shocked that she presumed I would be OK with that. Don't mothers usually want to pick out their kids' clothes? But she buys holiday outfits every year for the other grandkids (not my son though).

To me, grandparents only have the rights that parents give them. Which also means they are not responsible to babysit, pay for activities, or anything else. But that is JMHO and I'm no lawyer.

Where is grandma?? I hope she responds to this!!

lisar replied: I know that here in Florida grandparents have no rights. The grandparents cant take you to court just to make you let them see the kids or anything like that.

I have never had to really think about this, so I dont know about the rest.

A&A'smommy replied: For us my inlaws help out a LOT they are GREAT, they are always buying clothes for all of the grandkids (which I do NOT mind at all) and shoes and she even bought ball and bats for the kids this past summer for their tball and my nephews baseball. She also helped my husband coach.. she is never pushy and she doesn't put her head in a say you should do this or do that. They really are great (although I haven't always said that about her which was more of a misunderstanding than anything else) we had to put some bounderies somewhere BUT its what she lives for, her grandchildren are her life and she would do anything for them

as for my parents they help babysit alot and often ask to keep alyssa overnight, Alyssa as of right is their only grandchild and they spoil her with toys and junk food (whch I have had to say please don't give her certain things) and say PLEASE put her to bed at a certain time blah blah blah but they are great also and have helped us when we really needed them. They are keeping alyssa tuesday night - Friday evening sometime so that i can go with Jeremiah to his STI conference in mobile (3 hours away).

Anyway they only "rights" they have is what we give them and the only responsibilities they have is what they give themselves.

grandma replied:
Wow - this is a subject that is close to my heart and thank God I have no problem with it right now.
First off, I love my grandkids and only want what is best for them. I try to see them as much as possible. I buy them clothes, toys, etc all the time, usually my kids appreciate everything I do for them and don't feel like I'm over stepping any unspoken guidelines. I buy them clothes that sometimes their parents could not afford to get them. Same with gymnastic lessons, etc.
If divorce came into play (and it hasn't), I suppose things would get touchier. I've known one DIL since she was 15 and I know her entire family. I've seen how they deal with divorce (of DIL's sister) and there is no problems there, they share the boy and it all seems fair to me.
I absolutely think grandparent's should have rights, these are our grandbabies and God knows most would never do anyting to harm them in 'any' way. What baby doesn't need their grandparents?
I would even go as far to say, if something awful happened and my son couldn't see his child, I would still want to spend as much time with that grandchild as possible. Even if my own son didn't approve of the arrangement.
On the other hand, I expect the parents to tell me if I'm doing too much for the grandkids, I would listen and try to understand they're side.

A&A'smommy replied: oh and i LOVE LOVE how invovled they are with my daughter, its a touchy subject for me because my only grandparent that I was ever close to died when I was 10 or 11

grandma replied:
That's what being a grandparent is all about. In some strange ways being a grandparent is almost better than being a parent. Don't ask me why.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Because you can spoil'em rotten and send'em home!

My parents help us A LOT, and so do Troy's parents when they can (they live far away so it's more difficult for them). We would be lost without them all, so even though they may not have legal rights, as much as they help us they certainly do have every right to be grandparents and do anything a grandparent would like to do...within reason of course

grandma replied: 'Because you can spoil'em rotten and send'em home!'

lol - I didn't want to write that out, but yeah that's part of it...and there's just so much more. For the life of me I can't explain it all, your just gonna have to wait and see.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I was 8 or 9 when mine died

But I couldnt agree more
Ed and I always let my Parents and Inlaws take care of our Children when they wanted them or buy things for them

But never did they over step the Parents/grandparent thing they were all great

Calimama replied: They don't any many rights IMO. I always listen to my parents advice but they certainly can't force me to follow it. I do think it's really important for a kid to have grandparents in their life. I rarely did, and I really wish I had.

grandma replied: I think the parent/grandparent relationship has alot to do with what rights the grandparents have and I don't think the grandparents have any responsibilities of the grandchild, I think that's a more 'want to' thing!
I just feel really sorry for any grandparent that can't see their grandchildren and I think in the long run the grandchild is missing out on something no one else can give them.
Gosh, I remember when I was little I use to go to TN (from MI) and spend the entire summer on the river with my grandma and daddypop. Those are the kinda memories that no one can explain to you. And you would never understand what they were like from reading it from a book either!

My2Beauties replied: Legally I don't know about their rights and what not, I've heard of grandparent's rights though in some states.

Anyways, with that being said, my IL's and my parents are a HUGE part of my children's lives and I'm overjoyed that it is the way it is. I would die without their help. To have their grandparents around for advice, babysitting, helping with extracurricular activities, etc, just plain ol' being there for the kids to let them get away with stuff I would never that's what grandparents are for. My MIL can let Hanna play outside all day and get filthy dirty, Hanna has a ball! But when she is with me, it bothers me to no end to see a smudge of dirt on her face, so I'm constantly wiping her off, getting on her when she gets on the ground...etc...I can't take dirtyness, but my MIL says kids are supposed to get dirty, poor hanna if she didn't have MIL to let her play and get dirty she'd hate me! My mom keeps my kids every Saturday night, or if she can't on Sat she keeps them on Friday night, it's a chance for DH and I to have some alone time without the kids and she spoils them rotten to the core! My mom lives for Saturday nights! It makes me happy that it makes her happy

grandma replied: Our oldest grand daughter (6) couldn't stand to get dirty until we took her to our place up north. She actually had to learn how to play outside in the sand, on the four wheeler and get dirty....now she loves it. I love to take 'dirty' pictures of her for her mom....lol

Cece00 replied: I dont think they have ANY rights or responsibilities.

And legally, grandparents have actual "rights" in very few states and they are generally very limited.

I think its great if grandparents want to be there. I think its OK if they dont. I think they should want to, but I dont think people get to be all up in arms if the grandparents choose not to be involved.

My parents are very involved, and so is my FIL & DH's stepmom. My MIL is not, she pretty much could care less about my kids 99% of the time. And that's fine- she is crazy & unstable & not a good person, so I wouldnt let the kids see her much (if at all) anyway. Works out fine for everyone.

But even if she wasnt unstable, if she didnt want to spend time with my kids or whatever, so what? Its her loss, and my kids have other people who love them so much, they arent missing out.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: My children only have a relationship with my parents. Scotty's mother died before Maddie was born and his dad has nothing to do with us.

I have no problem with my parents buying my children things. I certainly don't expect it and I make sure my kids don't expect it. My mother enjoys doing things for my kids. She loves having them stay at her house (I love it, too!!) My kids are very close to my parents. But, we have a really close knit family. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm not sure how things would have been with Scotty's mom, tbh. She was very overbearing and never gave us our space. She was also very jealous. I just don't think that would have gone over well with me. My parents give us plenty of space and my mother would never dream of stepping on my toes, going over my head or disrespecting my wishes. When my children are with her, she follows my rules (to an extent, I mean, I believe grandparents should spoil their grandchildren) and my children are disciplined.

Grandparents have legal rights in the state of TX. My parents are currently going to court to get custody of my nephew. They have had temporary custody for almost a year.

boyohboyohboy replied: i think that there is a huge difference in being a part of the grandkids life and then being able to have "rights". my parents are always sending clothes and things to the kids, because they live so far away, they try to maintain a relationship that way..
my inlaws rarely talk to us or the kid..the kids dont really even know them.
but i know that they do care for us, its just they are different.

as far as anyone having "rights" to m children..only myself and my husband will ever be able to determine what is best for them..
i do not know if pa has laws to such, but that is how we treat it in our house.

BAC'sMom replied: I am very LUCKY we live right next door to my Mom so needless to say she is VERY involved in my children’s lives. She realizes they are MINE and doesn’t step on my toes or tell me how to raise them. She is supportive and gives advise occasionally and when I vent she snickers under her breath.
My FIL lives about 35 miles from us he too is very involved with my kids and attends all the activities just like my Mom. I do not talk to my Father and have not for sometime and to be honest that is perfectly fine with me and in the best interest of my children and myself. My MIL is a Grandmother of convenience, although I am rarely convenient for her

MommyToAshley replied: When I think of the word "rights", I tend to think of legal terms. But, from your post, it seems more like you are talking about the relationship aspect and what boundaries you should set. And, that, I think is different for each person/family.

I agree with grandma, the relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is a very special one and a very important one. If you have a grandparent that wants to be involved, I think it is ok to set boundaries, but then I also think sometimes you have to look the other way for the sake of preserving that special relationship. For example, with the Christmas dress scenerio... I would probably have put the dress on Ashley when she went to see grandma. But, if I had a different dress already picked out, then Ashley could have worn that one on Christmas day or for Christmas pictures. I also look the other way with the late night curfew and the extra chocolates here and there... they seem to enjoy being able to break the rules together, so I let them have their fun.

My3LilMonkeys replied: In our family, both sets of grandparents are very involved and I love that they want to be with the kids. However, that doesn't really give them any 'rights' exactly.

Stacy, just FYI - in PA the only grandparent's rights are for visitation, and then only in the case of a divorce or parent's death. In that case, the custodial parent can't deny the non-custodial grandparents visitation rights without just cause (a coworker of mine was recently involved in a grandparent's rights case)

grandma replied:
Excellant point about the dress grandma buys...lol In our case, both grandma's bought grand daughter a dress, so on Christmas eve she wore one to the other grandma's house and on Christmas day she wore the one I bought her to our house. She's three and so far it has worked out great every year. And what little girl can have too many cute dresses?

jcc64 replied: As in the other grandparent related thread, I'm with Dee Dee. Very wise words.

CantWait replied: Well I'm not sure that grandparents have any legal rights or responsibilities.

My grandma was a HUGE part of my life growing up though. I spent almost every weekend at her house from the time I was at least 9 (I say 9 because this is when I started traveling there on my own), untill I was 17 or 18. She'd take me to the mall on Saturdays, we'd have McDonald's, she'd buy me new clothes or whatever else I needed. Sunday's we'd go to church.

Now, skip to now. When we lived closer my grandma even babysat Robbie for me when I went to school. My mom also when my grandma couldn't do it. They'd watch him when I needed to go out with my friends (which wasn't often), and in general played a HUGE part in his life. BTW I'm not including Anthony, only because we have never lived close enough, always across country from them during Anthony's short life.

No matter what though, my mom and grandma would always send things to the kids on special occassions and even would visit once a year when it was afforded.

Ron's parents are another story though. We could never count on them for babysitting, not even when we were in town so that we could spend the night together. The kids rarely get gifts from them, never a phone call, NOTHING. They've never come to visit us, no matter how close or far we are, yet they've always gone back home to El Salvador or Hondoras at least once a year if not more. GO FIGURE!

In the end though. Robbie and Anthony both know who their Nana and Grandma are, but no so much their mamita or papito. So kids do know and can make that decision on their own.

grandma replied:
What is Dee Dee's board name?

Calimama replied:
MommytoAshley.

grandma replied:
Thanks! I wanted to see who it was that Jcc64 agrees with....

luvmykids replied: I didn't read all the replies but here are my thoughts:

It would take an awful lot for me to prevent the kids from having a relationship with their grandparents. We have unbelievable tensions right now on one side of the family and DH has said he wants to cut all ties, etc but I refuse....I think it's grossly unfair to both the grandparents and the kids.

I happen to be very blessed with gparents who are more than thrilled at any opportunity to watch the kids and help out in all kinds of ways....but as much as I appreciate it, I don't expect it or consider it their responsibility.

As for rights, if something happened to me and DH was being a poot for some reason I can guarantee my parents would fight to see the kids if it came to it, and I hope they'd win.

As far as I'm concerned, their only responsibility is to love my kids, and even then I don't consider it an obligation on their part, but a gift on ours.