Grrrrr....my father

Danalana wrote: I already mentioned this somewhere else, but I need to again to make this make sense. My father found out from my mother that I miscarried. she told me that he mentioned how I never tell him anything. To make a long story short, he is a drug addict/alcoholic and finds it hard to really love anything else.
A few years ago, I confronted him about something hurtful I was told he said. I found him in a drug house, and I basically told him I didn't believe he loved me. Or if he did, he didn't know how to show it. It was long and drawn out, but he started acting as if we had some sort of relationship after that. This was not my intention of the confrontation...I just wanted him to know how I felt. I pretty much put the idea of a father out of my head a long time ago, yet, there he was. Anyway, he still does drugs and drinks, but he has been coming to my church--and sitting with us. it's hard to just shrug him off, you know?
Well, he called me tonight, and I didn't wanna talk to him. I didn't feel like hearing how I never tell him things...why would I? I finally answered, and he started crying, saying he didn't understand how God works sometimes and how we would have a baby--and he would try to hang on that long. Then he turned the conversation in the direction i figured it would go. he started telling me I never tell him anything--that he is the last one to know things. That he had to hear this from my mother. I spent the whole conversation trying to make him feel better....it's just not right. This isn't about him. He had a chance to be my father when I was little and he chose not to do that. I don't need him now...and i certainly don't need him drunk/high. He was so drunk on the phone that i could hardly understand him.
Somehow, I feel guilty. Like maybe I have the wrong attitude. I just don't know how to relate to a father...i'm lost. The idea of hanging out with him is disconcerting. I feel like i'd me sitting with a stranger.
I'm sorry...I know this thread doesn't have much of a point. I just needed to share it.

amymom replied: I am sorry that he is not the man he should be for you.

I am glad you realize it, but do understand, there is still hope there. Whatever, I wish he would leave you alone when you are already suffering enough.

luvbug00 replied:

Danalana replied: Thanks girls...I have no idea why I typed that whole thing last night....I think I was just tired--in every way.

grapfruit replied: Don't let it get you down. Drugs/Alcohol make people selfish. I think there's something in them that makes them hurt the people they're suppose to love the most. I don't doubt that he loves you, even if he can't show it. But it's impossible for him to see past himself for more then 5 seconds at a time.

Be strong and know that there are people out there that DO love you and DO care about how you feel and want you to feel better. Keep those thoughts close to heart...

Kaitlin'smom replied: Drug/drinking make people very selfish espically when combined, and they want others to feel bad/sorry for them, the whole woooah is me crap. Dont let him bring you down, its not about him. sorry he cant grow up and deal with his own life, deffinalty sounds like he will never change and TBH the best thing for you to do is simply tell him to butt out, that is if you want, do what you want/need.

Danalana replied: It's so hard because I tend to be very tender-hearted. Heck, I let him walk me down the aisle at my wedding, KNOWING he would be high or something. I didn't wanna hurt him...I'm his only child. At least as far as I know...he DID spend a long time in Vietnam.

Mommy2Isabella replied: I don't have this situation with my father but I do have it with my sister. So I know somewhat where you are coming from. And she is VERY SELFISH, we have talked somewhat about this ... Sorry he put you through that!!

grapfruit replied:
That just shows what a great, caring person you are.

It's hard watching your parent basically fall apart b/c of drugs. For me the embarassment is hard too. I'm embarassed by my mom's actions, and her situation. And I shouldn't be, I didn't put her there, and you didn't put your dad there. There is help out there (for both of them), but they have to CHOOSE to take that first step. Until they do, you just have to stand there and watch them fall to pieces. Which is not easy. Hang in there, and know it's OK to walk away from them, sometime they need tough love.

Danalana replied: The hard part is that I think there is a part of him that wants to change. If I can't love him or forgive him, I don't think he will believe that God loves him or will forgive him. Does that make sense?

HuskerMom replied:

Mommy2BAK replied: Trust me, I know how you feel!

Danalana replied: His wife came to my job and told me "you need to call your dad. he's hurt that you never invite him over...."
I swear, I could lapse into a coma and he would be mad if I couldn't call and tell him immediately. Maybe I'm feeling extra hurt here, but I don't think he has any "rights" when it comes to our relationship--or lack thereof. He gave those up long ago, you know? There was a time when I agonized over the fact that he didn't want me...but I decided I didn't care anymore (it took me 25 years, lol). I just don't think i should have to live under this umbrella of guilt for choices he made years ago. I'm not trying to make him "pay for it", but he has been no more a real part of my life than the tooth fairy, and now he is trying to be a "daddy". Maybe I'll have a different attitude tomorrow. Maybe I should try to go to sleep and find out...

amymom replied:

Danalana replied: Well, I was right about sleep...I don't even care today

MoonMama replied: