HELP!! I NEED ADVICE!!!

toady_buckshot_noodle wrote: Well it is a long story but here goes:

Our local festive was going on this past week and we have a "street dance" on the friday night of it. Well, my 13 year old daughter was spending the night with a friend (14)from church along with another mutual friend (14) of their's (the pastor's daughter) to go to the street dance. Well the pastor's daughter did not get to go because on a soccer injury. So i said that's fine and told tori she could still go.

Well come to find out the friend has a "boyfriend" from a neighboring county who happens to be 18!! Well I did not know that the friend had invited her boyfriend to the street dance and he brought a couple of friends along as well. These guys were at least between 18 and 20!!! I don't mean to judge people but these guys were (in tori's words) "SCARY". They had tatooes all over, were those a-lined undershirts they call "wife-beaters' and were smoking. I freaked out!!! I insisted my daughter get away from them immediately and she was not allowed to spend the night at the friends house.

My daughter told me later that the boyfriend had been in jail for fighting and was walking around trying to find someone to fight and did not care about the fact that the girl's dad is a police officer.

well, my husband and I talked to the friend's parents and they had no idea that she even had a boyfriend much less that he was 18 and had been in prison. They apologized and thanked us for telling them the situation. This friend is really a nice girl but she is of mixed race (rare in our town)being raised by who are actually her grandparents because the father was never involved and the mother deserted her only to return married with 3 more girls and raise them but not her. She is a little heavy but the sweetest girl you would ever want to meet. I just feel she has low self esteem and thinks she can't do any better and wants the first guy who shows her her attention.

I am truly worried about this girl. She has also been known to talk to guys in other states on Instant Messenger without knowing for sure who they are.

We have talked to tori about the situation and she understands the dangers. She said she likes this friend but does not like the way she acts about boys and stuff, she simply likes her as "the real her".

My questions are:

Would it be a good idea to talk to the pastor about the situation? his daughter was supposed to be one of them there, she just luckily could not come. I feel thet the girl needs someone to talk to and he is usually good at these things.

Should Tori be punished? She knew that the girl's boyfriend was coming but did not know he was bringing the other guys. ---OMG these guys actually told Tori's friend that they would be needing gas money to get back home!!! and she expected Tori to fork some over!!! -she didn't of course.


HELP

aspenblue1 replied: I would probably talk to him and maybe he would have ideas on how to help her. As far as the punishment I have no clue.

ashtonsmama replied: DEFINITELY talk to the pastor! Obviously! He needs to know what's going on with his daughter! And I'd say that if they're going to hang out, you need to know exactly where they'll be at all times, and they need to call and check in, etc. I may sound overprotective, but that's what I think needs to happen to keep your daughter safe.

A&A'smommy replied: I think it would be best to talk to your pastor about it he might have some ideas to help you out!!

toady_buckshot_noodle replied:

C&K*s Mommie replied: Personally I think that should be a decision her parents need to make to have the pastor made aware of this, so he can speak one on one with her. It would not be right to step in on someone elses affairs with their own child.

Secondly, no Tori should not be punished, IMO.

amymom replied: I think the other girls (the soccor injury) parents should be made aware of the situation. The more parents together on the 'right' side the better. If Tori were my child, I would have a serious conversation with her about what she did right and what she did wrong. and the potential consequences. I would make it clear that you ae proud that she came to you, BUT disappointed in the part that she waited to come to you. But I would NOT punish my daughter given the circumstances as I understand them. Again regarding the minister, I would tell him and his wife as parents of another teen that was putting herself 'at risk' but not sure if I would ask him to help the other girl. Are the parents aware of the IM stuff. They should be AND if I were them I would remove her IM privileges AND remove computer privileges from the library and school. JMO

C&K*s Mommie replied: To clarify for me, the pastors daughter (the soccer injury) was not the one to have the boys over. Why would you get the pastor involved, when you are the third party?
This is the way I understand it: There is Tori, a 14yr old and the pastors daughter, who is also 14yrs old. The pastors daughter did not attend the function, so if the parents of the 14yr old have been made aware of her daughters actions then that is up to them to nip this in the bud. If you are the third party parent who was given the information then passed it along to the 14yr olds parents, I still feel that this is to be handled by the parents of the 14yr old.

amymom replied: I think if three 14 yr old friends were going to be together, and two knew that 18 yr old guys were going to be hanging out with them, then the third knew too. IF I were the third's parents' (forgetting that he is pastor for all the girls for a moment) I would want to know that all that kept my dd from being in possible harms way was a twist of fate ~~~ the soccor injury is all that kept her away. I guess the original girls parents could do the telling or Tori's parents could but someone should. I do not think Tori's parents should intervene with the minister unless asked to do so. Difficult being that parent and minister are one in the same. But nonetheless, 3rd girls parents need to know dd could have been in a sticky situation.

CantWait replied:
First off, I find this comment very disturbing. I don't see what her race has to do with anything here.

As for your questions, I'd say talk to the Pastor yes, he may be able to offer assistance to the girl. I would before you do that talk to your daughter and see what she thinks about it. Her friend may backlash and not appreciate the fact that your spreading her business to the church pastor.

As for Tori, yes she knew her freinds bf was going to be there, but did she know how bad he was before she went, probably not because she came to you after. She did the right thing. If you punish her now then you're lowering the chances of her coming to you when things go wrong in the future. You should be very proud of her in my eyes for coming to you and letter you know the situation.

my2monkeyboys replied: I think she brought up that the girl is of mixed races and it being rare in her town bc of the comment she made later about her self-esteem being low. She also said she is a little heavy. those things coupled together could very easily make the girl think less of herself and therefore be more inclined to go with any guy that would give her attention.
I think I would talk to the pastor, and also the girls parents about the IM/computer thing going on. Being older, they may not truly realize the dangers that come along with that. As for your daughter, I'd lay it out in detail what may have happened, esp without you knowing who was there with her. When I was young I had to tell my parents where I was going, when I was there and when I left I had to call, and I had to tell them who else was going to be there and what we would be doing. I think that should be the norm for all kids, girls or boys. I know it kept me out of alot of sticky situations.

redchief replied: I wouldn't tell the pastor. His daughter wasn't involved in the incident and you already spoke with the girl's parents. Care of their daugher's self-esteem problem is up to her parents. If they want to get the pastor involved as a mentor, that's up to them.

I wouldn't punish your daughter. It sounds like she wisely assessed the situation AND she communicated her concerns to you. That's kind of rare in a teenager. I would definitely reinforce to your daughter that no matter what situation she finds herself in, if she ever feels uncomfortable you will come and get her without fear of repirsal.

toady_buckshot_noodle replied: "Race" is not the issue, the fact that the child has low self esteem is the issue. It has become a major problem for her lately and is causing bad choices. It all stems back to several things that have happened to her in her life. We by no means have a problem with her because of her race, obviously since she is one of our daughters best friends.