HELP -- Not wanting to go to school?

MommyToAshley wrote: Ashley went to preschool for two years. When she turned 3, I was worried that she wouldn't want to go because she had never really been away from us... never stayed at daycare or sitter. The first day of school, I wanted to give her a hug.. she hugged me and then ran to the door yelling "see you later Mom" and never looked back. She loved preschool for two years, never having any problems.

Now, all of a sudden, she doesn't want to go. She cries if I try to leave and clings on to me. I have talked to her trying to find out why. I asked her everything... was someone mean? Did something happen? Do you like school? Why don't you want to go? Did someone do something and tell you not to tell Mommy (we talked about how no one could hurt Mommy or that if they said I wouldn't like/love you any more then that is not true). I covered everything I can think of. I tried role playing school with her little people. She says that she likes school, but she just misses us. (She only goes to school M,W,F for 2-1/2 hours and is with us the rest of the time).

The first day it happened, the teacher told me to just leave. She said it took her about 15 minutes to calm down after I left. The second day, she was clinging so tight to me, I just took her home. That was probably a mistake. The third day, the aide suggested that I sneak out, but I promised Ashley that I would never leave without telling her that I was leaving. Besides, she was clinging so hard to me that she wouldn't let go. The teacher asked her to be the helper for the day, and when I left she was crying. The teacher said she stopped a few minutes after I left.

At my wits end, I took something from Edie's post about the rock that her husband made for her. (I thought that was the sweetest thing) So, Ashley and I made a magic rock... she colored it, she decorated it with glitter glue, and I wrote I love you on it. Dh and I signed it and both gave it a kiss. We told her that if she missed us then she should pull out the magic rock and the invisible kisses would rub off on her and make her feel better. She was excited at first, but then when it was time to go to school, she didn't want to do it. We went to school, and I convinced her to try the magic rock and I would wait down the hall just in case it didn't work. I waited down the hall for about ten minutes and had another teacher peek in on her and she was fine. Now every day, she makes me wait down the hall.

We've found somewhat of a solution, but it still bothers me that she doesn't want to go to school. I can't figure out if something did happen and she is not telling me. Or, is it a phase. She is supposed to start kindergarten on August 15th. When we went for the evaluation, she wasn't going through this and the teachers all said that she was more than ready emotionally, socially, and academically. Now I am beginning to wonder if she really is too young.

Sorry this is long... does anyone have any thoughts?

luvmykids replied: Boy, first off

I really don't know. We've had mild phases of trouble separating but nothing that lasted for any length of time.

ITA with you on not sneaking out, I think it makes them even less secure that they can trust you if they look up and you're gone without them knowing. I have a no sneaking out policy too and I think it helps a lot.

I think if I was you I would tell her that you want to help her like school, that you miss her too, etc. What have the teachers said? Once she's calmed down, is she her normal self in class, playing, talking, etc?

Kaitlin'smom replied: Could it have anything to do with you being sick lately? Did it start before or after? Did you ask the teacher if she could talk to her, maybe she is worried and does not want to add more to your plate.

MommyToAshley replied:
The teachers say that she is fine a few minutes after I leave. She talks, participates, plays with her friends, laughs and has a good time. She even talks about what she did in school when we pick her up.

I did tell her that I miss her too, and she made me a magic rock and signed her name on it. We talked about why we go to school and she said that school was even fun. But, she still says she would rather be with us.

MommyToAshley replied:
It started before I started having all these symptoms. Even though we haven't really said anything to her and I have put on a brave face in front of her, she's picked up on the fact that something is going on. (Plus, when I thought I had thrush, I wouldn't kiss her for fear of spreading it.. and explained that mommy was taking some medicine to get rid of a boo boo) The other day, when she was saying her prayers, I heard her ask God to heal me tomorrow. That made me cry. So, I am sure the fact that I have been sick has only intensified whatever feelings she was having. But, she started not wanting to go before I even got sick.

momofone replied: What I used to do when my daughter first started school was give her little toys after school for being good like littliest pet shops (whatever Ashley likes to play with) I used a little bribery. Or maybe set up a play date with another girl in her class so she has a buddy to look forward to seeing everyday. Or maybe she can bring a picture of you with her? Hope I helped.

gr33n3y3z replied: I think once she gets in to the swing of things she will be fine
nothing worse then hearing your child cry and wimper and not being able to comfort them

lovemy2 replied: MY guess is that she knows she is leaving the school she has always been comfortable and safe with and going to a "new" school soon, excited yes but still weary about it - sometimes their anxiety comes out in different ways or they take it out on the things you wouldn't expect them to take it out on -

Example - when I was pregnant with Dylan at the end Olivia turned into a monster at preschool but was a complete angel with me at home - I woudl have thought she would have taken it out on me - not school - once Dylan was born - she was again an angel at school and a monster with me

lovemy2 replied:
Didn't think about this either - but since you have been sick - even though I am sure you haven't sat her down and had a big medical discussion with her about what you are dealing with she still senses something isn't right and is worried and maybe doesn't want to be away from you - but once she gets to school and settles down and realizes she is where she has always been safe and comfortable she is ok - but the transition is hard right now....

Either way to you and Ashley

Boo&BugsMom replied: I don't have any advice really, but just know that this is normal for a lot of kids to go through a phase like this. Just like us adults don't always want to go to work some days, kids don't always like to go to school either. She'll get better.

jcc64 replied: First of all, big Dee Dee, I'm just glad to see you on here again. I've missed you and been concerned about you. I hope you're doing ok.
About Ashley, I can tell you not to worry, that pretty much all kids go through this at one time or another, but it's hard to internalize it when you're in the middle of it. Corey went through this in the middle of this past school year. I couldn't attribute it to anything specific, and neither could her teachers. We had a conference, we talked to Corey ad nauseum about it, and it played itself out almost exactly like your situation. There would be a big scene and lots of tears during drop off, and the teachers would later tell me it took about 15-20 mins for her to calm down and integrate into the classroom activities. When I came to get her, she'd be in a great mood and deeply engaged with her classmates. She clearly liked school. It went on for a little over a month, here and there. Some days she'd be fine, others she 'd be upset. And then eventually, it just went away as inexplicably as it came.
I really would try to be as matter of fact as you can about it, Dee Dee. But whatever you do, DO NOT let her come home. Going to school, or separating from the family, is work that all children need to master, even if they are home schooled. It's very easy to let a child cling to the safety and security of the familiar, but how small do you want her world to be, just so she won't feel the discomfort of independence? She's ready, and she's not too young. Let her go.
She's unbelievably intelligent, compassionate, social, and funny. She feels good about herself, and has a great family support system. She's got all the things she needs to be a success. These are just little growing pains- nothing more. Give her a hug, make the exits as brief as possible, tell her you KNOW she's going to be fine, and then walk out the door. If she smells the ambivalence on you, (and she will), it's only going to create more conflict for her. Know in your heart this is the right thing to do, and project it to her. She's going to be fine, really- I've been through this 3 times now. My oldest is now a sophomore, and I can still remember him screaming across the parking lot when I dropped him off at preschool. Trust me, Dee Dee- she'll get through it, and so will you.

redchief replied: Aww, Dee Dee, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Best thing I can tell you from my experience is that sometimes kids just change they way they feel about things because they're five this year (or 6 or 7 or 3 or whatever). Be strong, supportive and firm in that she really has to do what she has to do, but that you'll always be there for her when she needs you. It will all settle out. Good luck and to you.