Has anyone been to marriage counseling before?

coasterqueen wrote: I guess Dh and I are headed for marriage counseling. The only thing keeping us from going is me making the phone call.

Anyone been before? Can it REALLY be useful? I always said it would have to be to save a marriage instead of the alternative..divorce, but I'm just not sure a counselor can help us with some of our issues. Especially the ones where DH and I completely disagree and will not compromise on, but they are effecting our marriage in the most damaging way.

JAYMESMOM replied: I will admit making the call is the hardest thing. My husband and I have only had two sessions with the counselor but have already noticed a difference. We aren't stopping though we promised to at least see this thru for 12 visits. (6 months since we go every other week.)

It has been so beneficial there are things she has made me realize that I didn't want to admit but she is non-partial so I have to know she isn't taking sides.

Feel free to PM if you want and I can let you know kinda what to expect.

I had already went and hired an attorney when we started going and since then have fealt confident enough that this will work that I unretained her last week.

The key is it has to be something you both want in order to work. You both need to realize that you both will need to change also.

Good Luck!!

amymom replied: No I haven't but I did seek individual therapy when we were struggling at one point. And we are still married 20 yrs now. I say go for it. It really is meant to help so it probably will. Good Luck.

moped replied: Yes, we have been three times, and are going to continue to go for a while, and things are getting better......we cannot agree on things either, but they seem to find a way to help both through it............................hope everything is ok.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Karen, I have not been. Might have needed too more than once. But I just wanted to commend you on working so hard on this.

Alot of people myself included the first time Dont work they give up.

So good luck and I hope you find what you and DH needs.

I will be there for you.

Mel

kit_kats_mom replied: No I've never gone to a couples counselor but it will be the first place I go if there ever seems to be an issue in the marriage.

It often takes an outsider to open our eyes to how we are contributing to our unhappiness. KWIM?

I think it could be beneficial to any marriage.

Good luck! Sorry you guys are having problems right now.

Jamison'smama replied: This is a good thing Karen, I have been with DH for a couple of sessions a few years ago, then she saw us seperately for a little while. It was helpful however her counseling style wasn't really mine. One of the most important things you can do is find a therapist that you feel good about. Know what you might want before you call, do you think you would respond better to a male of female...a more clinical type or a more touchy-feeling kind. You will get something out of almost any therapist though.

Good luck to you.

Mommy2BAK replied: DH and I went to premarital conseling. I hated it b/c DH would always make me look so bad in front of the conselor. Our conselor was a Christian counselor who obviously believed that the husband was to be in total control and the wife was just a peon. (My words, not his). But I am sure that if you find the right conselor that you will have sucess.
Good Luck, I hope you two can work everything out!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: DH and I went to couples counseling before we were married. If you find the right one, they work wonders. We don't fight or even argue that much anymore. We've learned how to communicate without judgement. We understand what pushes each other's buttons, and instead of instigating a fight or deliberately pushing buttons, we both understand when to back off and give the other one space. Or we talk openly about it. It takes A LOT of patience. We're certainly not perfect, but I would say we're much more loving and happy with our relationship. Good luck! I feel it's really the only way to work through things. Ignoring it will only make matters worse in the long run.

A friend of mine recently told me about a book that described how everyone has their own personal way of showing love. For example, one person may show love for their mate through buying gifts. One may be through affection, kissing, etc. One may show love through compliments. It really made sense to me! Her and her husband (recently married) have learned that they each individually show love in a different way. They've acknowledged the other's "way" of showing love and accepted that it's "different" than their own. It's tough to do. I didn't grow up saying "I love you" in my family, so my DH feels frustrated sometimes when I don't say it to him. Doesn't mean I don't love him, just not my way of showing it, it's HIS way. Anyway, before I go on and on, I hope some of that made sense.

Jamielou replied: I am sorry you are haveing problems. I personally havent been yet but my sister has recommended one to me that her and her husband currently use and it has really helped them but i agree with everyone else I think it has to do a lot with how comfortable you are with the therapist and to find one you like... Also Jaymesmom mentioned a book that i am checking in to getting..

DansMom replied: In my former LTR (12 years plus), we sought counseling at about the 8 year mark. It was very eye opening for me, and good for us as a couple. The assumption I made internally was that she would take my side because Mike was obviously an ogre about things and needed to be set straight (we were both quite immature emotionally)---instead, after about 5 visits, some together and some separate, she said she couldn't go forward with us as a couple until I got individual counseling---I wasn't ever clearly able to define what I wanted from the relationship, always on the fence. I didn't get individual counseling until after we broke up four years later. Had I done it earlier, I think I would have grown in ways that might have allowed that relationship to mature and move forward. In other words, it's always worthwhile to get objective help from a counselor, whether it's as a couple or individually. This is a stressful time---with an infant and a toddler to parent---it's the best time to start! It does force you to see things about yourself that you avoid looking at---that's the counselor's job, so it can be uncomfortable, but it leads to growth and positive change when you are feeling really stuck

jcc64 replied: I'm sorry you guys are struggling right now, Karen. It's been a rough ride for awhile, it seems, with the pg complications and Megan's issues, etc. There probably isn't much energy or patience left at the end of the day for each other.
I think therapy is a great idea, providing you both trust and respect the therapist, and the process in general. My mom and dad went way back when, but my mom was so resistent to the idea that she never gave it much of a chance. If you both want it work, chances are it will.
good luck, we're pulling for you.

JAYMESMOM replied:
The book is called "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman.

It is awesome. It talks about the 5 ways we show and recieve love. Everyone is different and it shows how to figure out the others language and how to show them love in there way and to recognize your language but still see how they show love to you.

Our marriage counselor was going to suggest it and then she found out I had already read it.



Jim's is coming sometime this week. We had to order the CD version. He hates to read. It also comes on cassette.

coasterqueen replied: Thanks everyone. I think the biggest problem is Dh doesn't want to go to a therapist. I really think most of our problems we can work out IF we went to see one. I don't think they can if we don't. Last night he said he would go if he had to. He came home at lunch today and told me he won't go and that if we can't work this out between us then there is no hope.

I would consider going alone but I feel that will create even more tension between us. I would go without him knowing but how would I pay for it without him knowing?

jcc64 replied: It's a joint problem, you can't fix it by yourself. Is he just opposed for the typical male aversion to seeking help thing? Does he have any other solutions, or does he not think it's worth the effort? Or is he just plain angry and dug in?

JAYMESMOM replied: As much as it is a joint problem. It is a problem for each person individually. I would suggest going by yourself. The way to get him to understand you going is all in the wording. Explain that you want to be a better wife and don't feel you can do that without seeking help. Tell him that you feel the counselor will help you see the areas you need to change. Let him that you want what is best for all of you and by going you feel you will be able to accomplish this.

I know it sounds weird since you both need work but this way he won't feel attacked and will be like - she needs to be fixed and is going to fix herself. He will see changes you make and hopefully decide to go himself.

If he is interested ask him to commit to 6 sessions or less. Set a limit but more than two. Tell him you want help because you don't think you can do it without someone else showing you where you need to change who is unbiased to the situtaion.

Place it all on you chaning. Sometimes when they don't agree the standard way we have to sneak in a back door.

BTW-My husband refused to go either until he realised I was serious about the divorce. I hope it doesn't come to that for you but he isn't the only man to refuse.

amynicole21 replied: We went to one session separately. Our counselor wanted to see us individually before she saw us as a couple. I could tell that it would help me, but I got lazy and pregnant and never made the next appointment.

The main benefit of a counselor is that they help you determine exactly what your issues are and teach you how to communicate about them. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, KWIM? Don't expect them to solve your problems for you, but instead to give you the tools to solve them yourselves.

Maybe approach him like he needs to show you that he is committed to the relationship, and if he isn't willing to do EVERYTHING possible then he obviously doesn't care about it as much as he claims to. I hope you can convince him... I think it's important.

Good luck, and

mummy2girls replied: My sister and her hubby was having problems shortly after they married and they decided to go to councelling before they end up divorcing. and it has helped dramatically. I can notice the difference in them and how they talk to each other and work things out...i think its a good thing....

A&A'smommy replied: I think dh and I may need some counseling!!! make the call its better than divorce!! (((HUGS)))

bwalkerletters replied: Well, my ex and I went probably too late, so the sooner the better. Before I get married again, I will go to some major counseling BEFORE I get married. Clearing the air beforehand on issues that you know may be there should help. Honestly, everyone should go to counseling just to go to counseling. It definitely will not hurt to have a 3rd party involved because they will bring up things that you may not necessarily think about. Nothing to be afraid of doing because we all need help in relationships.

jem0622 replied: I think that there is good in going separately first. You both can talk about whatever is on your mind and get it out there, without feeling like you are just feeding off of the other's comments. Then, once the most important issues are identified between those sessions...come together and the counselor and you two can review them and discuss things together.

I have to say...anytime a child is born there is some adjustment in the marriage. Once the girls came along there was very little time for DH and me. I can't tell you how much we text message each other. And sometimes I just tell him 'remember that I love you and this too shall pass...they won't be small forever' to make sure he remembers it!

Have you brought up separate counseling as a start?

HUGS

JessC replied: DF and I have gone, to two sessions now, and its helping alot! I definitly would recommend it, we arent married yet, but that is why I wanted to go now before we get married so we can figure it all out!

I hope you make the right decision! Good LUCK! Keep us updated!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I am considering going once I see if my insurance pays for it. I just need to talk to someone about lots of things. Marriage, life in general. I will go first and then if they want to see Scotty they can. We've been having trouble too. I know it is b/c I'm stretched too thin lately and so is he. He works so many hours and we communicate horribly. We never see each other...I'm in a bad mood by the time he gets home (after 10 p.m.) b/c of the kids and I'm just tired. I can't remember the last time I was alone for more than 10 minutes. Needless to say, we never get to go out just the 2 of us, either. It is just the season of life, ya know? It really sucks right now.

Good luck, Karen! I'm sorry to hear you are going thru so much right now. I will be praying that it gets better for you, hun.