Help writing a letter PLEASE!

MyBabeMaddie wrote: I'm trying to write a generalized letter to Adam's family (aunts and brother) to let them know that I will no longer allow her to see Adam's mom (My mom and i called her over the weekend just to say that it would be nice to have her help out with babysitting, set a date everymonth where madison could spend the night - well this b%^&* said no way it is not her responsibility and she does more than enough for Madison (((( TOOK HER TO HANUKKAH dinner with her family for 3 hours one night)))) Anyways I'm trying to write a letter to her sisters(who i really use to like but haven' ttalked to since adam and i split) explaining that if they want to know aanything about madison or see her or want pictures that I'm not trying to keep them away from her... Sorry if this doesn't make sense I just had 2 minutes on the computer now.

I guess my biggest issue in the letter is every other sentence is bad-mouthing adams mom - i can't seem to write a letter without making her look bad every chance i get, or recalling a previous mean thing shes done.

grapfruit replied: How about;

To Whom it May Concern;

In an effort to keep my daughter's life as stable and consistant as possible, at this time I am allowing no visits to anyone that isn't going to be there for her everyday. I realize this maybe a painful transistion for some of you, but understand that my job is to make sure Maddie is completely taken care for to the best of my ability. If you wish, pictures and updates can be made available to you at anytime.

Once again, I apologize for any hard feelings this letter may make, but I hope that in your heart of hearts you realize that this is best for Maddie.


ETA: It MIGHT be in your best interest to run a spell check on that first though.

grapfruit replied: basically I think short and to the point is the best course of action. You don't want it to get long and emotional and have people read into it. They don't NEED a reason why. If they want to know why, they can call you.

lisar replied: I like the one Casey wrote. Sounds real good.

CantWait replied: Sorry I don't agree with what you're doin hun. I realize that maybe they are not making the best possible effort, but the fact of the matter is, it's not their responsibility to do childcare for you. You're punishing them for what Adam has done to you and that's not fair.

Calimama replied:
I agree. Because they won't keep her once a month, they are not allowed to see her EVER? I don't understand how that is fair.

boyohboyohboy replied: i am a little confused, are you saying you only want to keep her away from adams mom? or his entire family?
i am also sorry that i have to agree, that is you had already started letting her have a relationship with them then its not fair to take it away just because they wont help out on a daily basis..
she is right, its not her responsibility, its her son (adam) to help you with the daycare..

it does suck, i have been in your shoes..
but in the end you want people around maddie that will love her, and be there for her, even if her father isnt...

My2Beauties replied:
I agree, it's a tough situation, but taking away from her grandmother isn't right. Also, to be honest, there are laws out there that protect grandparent's rights too, you don't want to go that route hon.

Kaitlin'smom replied: I am also a bit confused as to who your tring to keep her from seeing on Adams side.

I have to agree its not his moms responsibility to help with child care, while it sucks she does not want to spend time with her its not her responsibility. TBH why would you want to force that? From what little you wrote it does not sound like someone I personally woudl want my child being around espically alone who know what she might say or teach your daughter. However I would not send out lettering saying your cutting her off, you never how that would come back at you.

If you do feel the need to send something outbe careful what words you do use.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
ITA. I think you are playing games. "If you don't do what I want you to do, I'm going to keep my daughter from you b/c I know that will hurt you."

That's not fair to Madison and in the end, you are the one not allowing her stability. I'm sorry to be so opinionated on this, but my parents have been thru this with TWO grandchildren. Every single time my mom didn't do to suit my sisters in law then they would pull the grandchildren away from her.

Cece00 replied:
I agree.

You should maybe wait a couple of weeks and REALLY think about what you are doing.

Its not her responsibility to do anything for Madison, its true. I mean most grandparents would LIKE to, but that doesnt mean she is horrible b/c she wants to do things with Madison when SHE wants to do things, not on YOUR timetable.

Honestly...you sounds really selfish and childish. I'm sorry, I dont know how else to put it, I dont want to sound mean but I just dont think that is a good idea at all.

I mean I dont let my MIL see my kids but its WAY more complicated than she doesnt ask to see my kids a lot. She's dangerous & unstable & quite frankly, her lack of interest in my children is the LEAST of her problems.

I also think its uncouth to send a letter out to his family letting them all know how much you dislike his mother & arent letting her see her granddaughter anymore b/c she wont make a set time to babysit her every month. You are her mother, its YOUR responsibility to take care of her, not his mother's, even if it is just once a month.

CantWait replied:
I'm sorry but I don't understand how this pertains to Madison, Adam, yourself, and his parents?

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Are you asking me, Marie? I'm confused

CantWait replied:
Yes, cause it sounds like it has to do with your mother.

grapfruit replied:
Wrong Madison's mom! Sara is the one that started this thread...

punkeemunkee'smom replied:
MybabeMaddie is the original poster not MaddieandEthan's mom....I think you are confused Sara was married to Adam....Aimee IS married to Scotty

CantWait replied:


I'm so sorry Aimee, I'm starting to see things apparently.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
That's okay.

Calimama replied:
You always say what I'm thinking SO much better than I could.

luvbug00 replied: I know how you feel. I hate brads family with a passion and they don't help for &%$ finacially or anything. But for me the best road is going threw court. Get full coustody of maddie and then don't let her near them. Also i don't know why you want somone with no intrest in your child to watch her. It would just scream that she would niglect her imo.

MommyToAshley replied: I know the advice in this thread probably isn't what you want to hear. I can imagine you are feeling overwhelmed, tired, and all the financial burden right now. That's alot for one person to handle. So, I suggest you do nothing right now... don't wtire that letter. Take a step back, calm down, and really think before you send this letter or forbid Madison from seeing her grandmother.

MoonMama replied:
ITA.

Nina J replied:
I agree.

Are you going through any court processes to get sole custody of Madison? If you are, you never know how Adam's legal team could use this kind of letter to there advantage. I think it could come back and bite you in the butt, in some way.

MyBabeMaddie replied: Woah I definitely see how some threads get so heated, especially after reading this post this morning has put me in tears.


If Adam's mom doesn't want to spend time with Madison, because she is too consumed with her own life, and can't find time ever to see Madison why should she at all? My mom has taken off of work to help Madison, pays to keep a house over our head, babysits, cooks and cleans for us just so that I can go to school and the only thing Adam's mom does is bring her over for Hanukkah dinner to show the rest of her family that shes an "okay" grandma?! No way. Adam was in rehab over his birthday, when he got out he told me that his mom would be taking him out to dinner this past Saturday. When I asked what time they would be picking Madison up to celebrate her fathers dinner, his mom replied "SHe is not invited, I do not want the burden of having her around".

Yes I understand it is not her responsibility to watch Madison ONE day a month, but what grandma in their right mind would not want to spend ONE day a month with her granddaughter. If Madison was older and could understand what was going on (not that I would want her to know) she would feel heartbroken and confused as to why her grandma didn't want to spend time with her. For that reason I think that woman is an evil self-consumed jerk. Adam's aunts from DC are coming in this weekend, and want to see Madison - Fine maybe I'm a "baby, selfish, whatever terms someone used about me" but I don't want Madison around someone who doesn't want to be around her.

No there is no court process about custody I can't afford a lawyer and Adam has no case anyways he just left rehab, has no job, no car, nowhere to live.

MyBabeMaddie replied:
I'm sorry but You know what, YES, It is my job to watch my daughter, but I am entitled to my own life too. YOu go to school full time, try to work under the table jobs, and raise a baby with out any child support, with out and help from the father then come back and call me childish and selfish.

boyohboyohboy replied: sara, i am sorry you are in tears over this post this am.
i do know how you feel, i have been in your shoes.
but honestly, you are working really hard to give madison a good life,and once you are done with school and decide where you want to go, you will be able to take of her on your own and still have a nice life of your own too.
right now it the hard part, but you are working toward a bigger goal.
you have your mom right now for help, and thats great, i didnt even have that.
i think if adams mom wants to see her, then let her, on your terms, and when madison is older she will know who cares for her and how takes care of her..she 's going to learn how hard life is soon enough,just let her enjoy a gramma now and then, if you can..
i hope school is going well for you.

momofone replied: I'm sorry things are hard now, it must be hard raising a child and having a busy schedule. I wish you had more support in all areas. I hope things get better for you.

katiesmom2002 replied: Im sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope you are able to figure it all out and just make the best of things. Just know you are doing the best you can and that is all that matters.

coasterqueen replied: I can understand why you are so upset over the situation you are in and how Adam's mom is treating Maddie. I've been there, in different ways, but I've been there. I have not been in your place as far as being a young single mother, so I won't pretend to tell you how you should feel or act in regards to that.

My parents love seeing my girls ALL the time. They want to be with them constantly. Sure, they live a couple of miles down the road, so access is a lot easier than her other two sets of grandparents, but still.... Ryan's parents (divorced and remarried to others) do not show that love and concern to see their grandchildren as much, and to me that hurts. There have been so many times I've wanted to say "screw them, my kids are never going to see them". It sure would have made me feel better and give me a little "revenge satisfaction", but what it wouldn't have done is helped my children in any way. They deserve to know their grandparents, whether it's because they see them twice a week or twice a year. They are still their grandparents and I have no business taking away that right from them. They would only make me regret it in the future. So I suck up my feelings and let them see their grandparents whenever they actually do call.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, your feelings about the situation should not be dismissed -- I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is let Maddie see her grandmother, let Maddie -- as she grows up -- determine if that one hour a month, or one day a year is enough for her to continue her relationship with her grandmother. Maddie will never get the opportunity to decide that if you take that away from her. You won't regret the decision. Maddie WILL be able to decide one day if the limited time her grandmother wants to give her is worth it, but if you take that away from her she'll only blame you -- not the grandmother because she didn't want to spend time with her.

((HUGS)) I know this is hard. I was angry too, when DH's parents didn't show they want to spend more time with my girls. But it's MY anger, my feelings -- not my girls.

lovemy2 replied: I can understand how you feel - and I can also understand why you want to write the letter BUT I also don't think it is necessary and will only cause MORE problems for you - it will get everyone fired up and on your case - the one thing it seems to me you are trying to avoid. I agree - let his mother see her on YOUR terms - if it fits into yours and Maddie's schedule then great - if it doesn't then oh well let them try again. Maddie will see as she grows up who is who and who loves her, etc. I had an Aunt who wrote a "Dear Family" letter and it did NOTHING but cause more heartache, confusion and bad feelings and had everyone in an uproar for awhile - stress I can imagine you don't need - accept her taking Maddie when she does and enjoy that time to yourself. If she isn't endangering Maddie in anyway right now then leave it alone for your own sake....

grapfruit replied: Sara, I just wanted to give hugs and to say vent away. I agree, she's probably evil and all that. But let her make her own stupid choices. If she thinks Maddie is a burden she's stupid. And she's going to miss out on that precious little girl growing up. But you know what, she'll never be able to say it was YOUR fault she couldn't see her. Let her make her own bed to lay in.

I say just don't call her or try to push Maddie towards her. Everyone is right, Maddie will KNOW who loves her and has always been there for her. Her wonderful mom and grandma (your mom) that love her very much.

jcc64 replied: I'm sorry you're struggling right now, hon. And I know how much it hurts when your baby's grandparents don't seem appropriately "in love" with their granddaughter. But as others have said, I think it's wise to take a step back and think about the long term implications of writing an angry letter. You've said that you don't want Grandma's inconsistency confusing Maddie when she gets older, and I'm here to tell you that I think Maddie may surprise you. My dh has what most people here would consider a distant relationship with his parents. For many years, they did not approve of our relationship (they wanted him to marry someone Korean), and they reinforced that idea over and over- it was very very hurtful to me, though it was much easier to express my feelings as anger. Eventually, we had children, and slowly, very slowly, the relationship began to heal. They do not relate to my kids in a way that is familiar to me- they don't call on birthdays, or ever actually, they don't give gifts on Christmas, I'm not even sure my f-i-l knows my dd's name. And yet, in their own strange ways, they have come to love the kids- I see the pleasure they get from just watching them play with their other grandchildren. And that has to be enough. My kids never question the nature of the relationship. They don't ask why it's different than the way my mother and family relate to them. They simply accept it as it is. There is no confusion or bad feelings, and I think that's mainly because they don't sense any underlying tension coming from us.
I know you're very angry and stressed out, and it's hard to extend a generousity of spirit to others when you're feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe Adam's mother will never come around, or maybe she'll surprise you. But try not to compare her against your own idealized version of what a grandma should be or do. Accept any gestures graciously, and hope for the best. It sounds like there are people on Adam's side that you are fond of, and you wouldn't want to compromise any future relationships Maddie may have with them by alienating the mother.
Good luck, hon. You're doing the right thing for your daughter by working hard and going to school, and one day, it WILL get easier.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm sorry, I may have come across as harsh and hurt your feelings. I apologize for that.

Adam's mother may be going thru some things of her own. She may be afraid to get too close to Maddie for fear that one day you might move away, marry someone else and pull her out of her life completely. I know this is one of my mother's fears b/c she's been hurt so many times in the past. Maybe you should give it some time and try a different approach and talk to her about how you are feeling.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way.

luvmykids replied:
I agree here, and I say this only to give you another perspective....

My mom did basically the same thing with my dad when they divorced....he wasn't reliable or frequent in visiting me so she cut him off. I won't bore you with the details but I really resented her not letting me make that choice. I found out on my own that my dad wasn't worth my time, and it hurt, but at least it was MY choice. He and I have a slightly better relationship now. I don't excuse some of his behavior but I also didn't find out until much, much later where some of it stemmed from, meaning things going on in his life. I'm now able to accept that while it was faaaaaar from good, he did the best he could given what he was dealing with in his own life.

I'm not saying you have to change your feelings, just think long and hard about burning bridges.

Nina J replied:
I agree.

Good luck, and I hope whatever you do in regards to this situations turns out well for both you and Maddie.

Cece00 replied:
Um, actually, I HAVE gone to school and worked and had a baby...in fact I had TWO babies, 15 months apart.

And I had a dad who was more interested in partying a lot of the time to see the kids. And his parents didnt usually see the kids unless he did.

I had my parents, sure. My parents are great. But I've been in a situation similar to yours and let me tell you- I've been there and done that and that is how I think you are acting. Sometimes it pays to listen to people who have been through those situations and learn a little from THEIR mistakes

And I will stick with my original statement- its not her responsibility. She is YOUR child. I understand how hard it is on you, TRUST ME, because I've lived it.

Sure, you are entitled to your own life, but you cant be angry with his mother because she doesnt want to watch your daughter so you can go out. If she doesnt want the responsibility, you need to ask your mother or hire a babysitter, its really not fair to act like she is in the wrong in this situation because its NOT her job to watch her for you. Its just not.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but I thought I'd give you a little advice since I know what I'm talking about. You are only going to make the situation worse by sending that letter & getting angry that his mother isnt doing what you want her to do & punishing your daughter by never letting her see Madison.

MyBabeMaddie replied:
Never once did I say it was her responsibility. I said it sucks that she doesn't want to spend time with her granddaughter because she wants to. Why does she have to look at it as doing a favor, why doesn't she look at it like spending quality time with her granddaughter. If you knew the lady you'd probably change your stance. Since you've BTDT I guess it is okay for you to point the finger at me and say I'm a child - When in fact I"m just trying to protect my child from heartache over an uninvolved grandparent.

Cece00 replied:
Well, the way you worded it- that you are angry b/c she doesnt want to take her once a month to "help with the babysitting" and you being "entitled to your own life too", made it sound like you thought it was somewhat her responsibility.

But look- It DOES suck. She SHOULD want to spend time with her, its true. I feel for you, I KNOW what its like to be in that situation & want better for your kids.

But she doesnt feel that way. I dont think you can hate her for that, be angry, whatever, because she isnt out of line for feeling like that, because there is nothing that says that she MUST feel like that. I mean of course most ppl dont but I know some ppl do. But you are right, I dont know her, maybe she is really horrible, I dont know.

I understand wanting to protect her from people who might hurt her, but you know, if YOU dont make a big deal out of it around her (Madison), it'll be normal for her, she wont really know the difference.

Like my kids- they rarely see J's mom. RARELY. And before we pretty much stopped talking to her, they didnt see her much more than now. She isnt interested in them, at all. She has another grandchild who is (to her) made out of GOLD, and dotes on her. Not my kids. We live literally 3 min from her, the other kid about 35-40 min and she could care less. BUT- she's always been like that with my kids. They dont know any differently with her, she's just that lady who they see once in a blue moon. They dont miss her, they dont care either way if they see her or not.

See what I am saying?

I think unless she is a DANGER to Madison, you should just let it go, and let her see her on the rare occasions she would like to. If she chooses to opt out, then OK, she is the one missing out, and you dont want her to see Madison anyway, so that works out for you. I am sure Madison has a ton of ppl who love her, and she wont miss out too much on someone who acts like she is a chore, and not a pleasure.

I do hope she comes around, because obviously she doesnt know what she is missing.

julesmom replied:
If this is how you feel, why would you even want this woman near your child??!
You say how horrible she is, but you are mad that she won't watch your dd?
That doesn't make sense. What if she lived in another state?

Maybe you need to just imagine she fell off the face of the earth today. Go on with your life as though she doesn't exist.
She might wake up one day and realize she hasn't seen her granddaughter and get in touch with you.

You can't force someone to like you or your dd, even if they are a blood relative. Some people are just like that.

Calimama replied:
I agree. I mean she can't be TOO horrible or why would you want her over there? I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt. I do however hope that you are able to look past that your feelings are hurt and realize you got some really good advice.

Mommy2BAK replied:
Hey I've been there too. And my only advice to you is to let things cool off a bit first, because I did things when I was going through that situation that now I look back and feel a little ashamed of. BUT I never thought of it as "i'm entitled to have my life too" because when I found out I was pregnant with that baby it was enevitable that my life was changed forever, my needs weren't #1 anymore. Anyway, I know you'll do the right thing, but I just wanted to offer you support and a little insight.

PrairieMom replied: Sarah, I'm just going to send you some hugs. You asked for advice, that doesn't mean that you are always going to hear what you want. It sucks.

gr33n3y3z replied:

luvmykids replied: One more thought....when you have a difficult relationship with someone, a lot of times we want to do something to make ourselves feel better. In this case, I compare you to myself dealing with my dad, I wanted to write him a letter telling him to kiss off but in the end, although I would have felt better for a short time, it wouldn't have changed anything and I would have been even more upset that I didn't get the reaction I wanted from him. Just something else to think about