How long after? - ur m/c did u wait to have sex again?

CMD3989 wrote: Hey everyone. I was just wondering how long after you had your first m/c did you wait to have sex again? I waited 5 weeks and 2 days and I don't think I was ready. I really regret having sex that early. I felt that it was not pleasurable.(i hope that wasn't TMI) Did any of you feel this way? Thanks.

*Christina Marie*

MilMunchMOM replied: my dd is 4 months and i still don't feel compfortable yet...i mean i have, but/so I would not be the best person to offer advice.

i remember with Kari it was about 6 months before my body and libido were near normal.

just curious...are you nursing??

CMD3989 replied: I had a miscarriage. It's been almost 4 months since i had the miscarriage and I'm still not comfortable. I can get aroused but when it comes to having sex, I don't want to. Does anyone think that is weird?

*Christina Marie*

Guest replied: Hun,

You should wait at least few more years before having sex at all. 14 is way too young to be sexually active. Have you discuss your MC with your parents? Having sex at your age can be emotional enough and with your MC I believe you should discuss this with your parents and/or if they are not available a counseler.

If you do not mind me asking, how old is your boyfriend and what are his feelings.

CMD3989 replied: I am 14 and I will be 15 next Tuesday. I have been having sex since I was 13. As long as I am emotionally and physically ready I think I can handle having sex. No I haven't discussed my m/c with my parents because they don't know. My boyfriend's parents know though. I talk with my school social worker but I haven't shared this new bit of information with her. I thought I would ask some other people first.

My boyfriend just turned 17 in January and he was very upset about my m/c and is very understanding on why I want to wait to have sex right now. He has been wonderful these past few months.

*Christina Marie*

A&A'smommy replied: hey and welcome,
i got pg for the very first time when i was 17 which imo is still too young, why do you think you need to be having sex at such a young age? do you not understand what having a baby at the age means? or that you can get diseases? Having sex is a LOT of responsibilty and you should wait until you OLD enough to take on the responsibitly just like drinking, driving and smoking you need to be old enough to REALLY know what kind of responsibitly your taking on, besides yours still a kid and should be enjoying being young. What do you think life would have been like for you if you had a baby? I promise you its not easy!!! I hope i did not offend you but you really should step back and be a kid before taking on an adult act. And you know sex should be special and you should wait until you can really appreciate it and can do it in the privacy of your own home. If you are going to continue to have sex have you thought about birth control?

CMD3989 replied: I have sex with my boyfriend because it is something special that we share with each other. That is one way that we show and express our love for each other. I am on birth control and I was on birth control when I got pregnant. I did not try to get pregnant on purpose and we were protecting ourselves. I have thought about what it would be like if I were to have a baby now and I know that it would be hard. I just came to ask if anyone has ever felt what I am feeling. Also, you have not offended me in anyway. I can see where you are coming from. I hope none of my posts seem like I am mad or have an attitude.

*Christina Marie*

kimberley replied: i had a m/c in november 02 and was devastated by the loss. that baby would have been my third, but first with my husband. we were intimate about 2 wks later and it felt awful and i honestly couldn't stand it. three months later i found out i was pg and gave birth to my beautiful daughter Jade iin august 03. i am 31yrs old and i was not emotionally ready to have sex or a baby so soon after my m/c. i felt guilty for mourning my loss when i had a perfectly healthy baby growing in me. it was very, very difficult.

if you do feel you are emotionally mature enough to be sexually active, then you should be responsible enough to use birth control. condoms are not fool proof. try the pill, the patch, the shot... something else. babies are wonderful but you have no idea how isolating and hard it can be even at my age... and i guarantee you it will be worse at your age. finish school, marry the love of your life, have some fun... then think about a baby. til then please use birth control for your sake and an innocent baby's sake who doesn't need to be brought into the world in hardship.

i hope you stick around the board. there are a lot of wonderful, caring people here who can offer you a lot of sound advice and share their experiences with you.

asharene replied: Christina, you are so young to be having sex. You can stop anytime, you know. You should be using a patch, pill or something to prevent pregnancy PLUS a condom EVERYTIME to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. There are patches and shots if you don't (or can't remember) to take a pill everyday. And don't forget, a CONDOM EVERY TIME. Sexually transmitted diseases can affect your fertility, and as we now know, they can kill you too.

You can stop having sex anytime, you know. You don't have to feel obligated to keep having sex just because you started having sex.

asharene replied: Also, in Michigan (where I live...) your boyfriend would be guilty of criminal sexual conduct and would be required to register as a sexual offender.

Melissa replied: I had a MC last october. It took me until January to want to have sex again.

California Girls replied: 14 is so young to deal with the pain of losing a baby. But know that it isn't any easier at 25. I found out my baby died in utero a week after my shotgun wedding. Although I love my husband very much and would have married him anyway, it was too soon and too much pressure. And my wedding memories are forever tainted by the pain.

It is terrible that you lost your baby, but you have to stop feeling guilty. It's not your fault. There's no good reason and no good explanation for why m/c's happen. It's not about being ready to have sex again, I think it's about being ready to be happy again. You need to heal from this and move on with your life. It seems to me like maybe you just are focusing on this, maybe you aren't letting yourself enjoy life in other areas too. It's ok to take care of yourself again. It's ok to be happy again. You aren't letting your baby down by having fun!

Hang in there, take care of yourself.

paradisemommy replied: i'm sorry but i can't offer you any advice because i haven't experienced it but i did want to give you obviously from your posts, you didn't set out to get pregnant and were indeed on the pill. you came to this board for support and to receive lectures is something i surely wouldn't want to receive if i was reaching out for help. imo it sounds like what you are feeling is completely normal and i would say just take it one day at a time. women seem to have a keen intuition and i would say just follow your heart. i would think losing a child is a hard thing to deal with no matter what your age is. hang in there hun, it'll get better.

MilMunchMOM replied: i have to apologize..i did not understand your post. Iagree with what the other people are saying.
I am sorry that you have to try and cope with a loss like this at your age and without the support of your parents. Even at 35 i would need my family in a situation like this one. I reccomend that you fill them in on your sexual activities maybe they can help you be more responsible about it. What i mean by that is they can help with GYN care and birth control choices asa well as help you work through your loss.

Julie (jem0622) replied: You can be sensitive after m/c. You are also VERY fertile after a m/c. Protect yourself.

HUGS
Julie

Guest_angelhair replied: having a miscarriage at any age is hard, but at 14 you are still in adolence complete with raging hormones and a whole lot to deal with just in growing and trying to figure things out. what you need most now is support around you and although these are a great bunch of ladies you need support from trusted adults around you, a favorite teacher, perhaps there is a chapter of planned parenthood in your area which would have a counseler and resources. there is also a group called resolve that might give you information on counselers to talk to in your area. you need to know that you are not alone and are cared for. it takes much sooner to heal psyically from a miscarriage then it takes to heal emotionally from one. are there other ways that you and your boyfriend can share something special? intimacecy can be just holding hands, giving each other a hug when you are feeling down and crying on each others shoulders. intimacy can be the words, I care and am there for you, or I love you and will stand besides you. sometimes intimacy can come from the security of knowing that you matter. hope this sis not sound like a speech and please feel welcome to update us on how you feel and how things work out. by the way, I do know how you feel I have had 3 m/c, one before my son and two after.

coasterqueen replied: I lost a baby when I was 17. The father of that baby left me shortly afterwards for another woman. I don't know if it was losing the baby or my boyfriend leaving me, but I had met someone else shortly after that, who is now my husband. It was a good six months or so before I could get up the nerve to have sex with him. He totally understood and wanted me to get over the pain before we started a new chapter in our relationship. We fooled around, but never going as far as sex. Even fooling around was too much for me, too painful emotionally.

I also didn't want to be pg at that time and there were a lot of other issues involved, so my emotions could have stemmed from that as well.

While I agree you are too young to have sex, I don't think I can preach to the choir, since I was relatively young, not as young as you, but young when I first had sex. Believe me it doesn't make you "closer" to them, and while a boy may make you feel like it's something special you both share, a girl and a boy at that age do not share the same feelings about sex and how special it is. I've learned this as I've gotten older and learned a lot of lessons from having sex too early.

Just please use all forms of protection, especially against std's. Once you get one, it will stick with you the rest of your life.

What you are feeling is normal in my opinion and if you are not ready, take your time. You have your whole life to be sexually active and if your boyfriend really loves you he will wait for as long as it takes you to feel comfortable again.

pinka_star replied: I've never had a m/c so I don't know how it feels, I can only imagine how horrible it is. You're only 14 and it's horrible you have to go through something like this at such a young age. I'm going on 21, and I got pregnant when I was 19. Sometimes I really miss being a teenager. I miss times where I didn't have a baby to look after. I love my Daughter so much, but it's extremely tough raising a child, no matter what age you are. It's tougher when you're young though, you always have a little bit of regrets in the back of your mind. My advice is to take full advantage of your teenage years. Be happy you don't have any responsiblities yet. I'm really sorry you had to go through a m/c, but maybe it's a sign that it's not the time right now. I don't want to lecture you. It just breaks my heart that you had to go through something like this at 14. It's such a horrible thing at any age to go through.

I really hope you stick around the boards and keep us updated on how you're doing. I agree with one of the ladies that posted.... There's some WONDERFUL and so supportive ladies here on the board. But you should also find people in real life to talk to. Maybe talk to your parents? Or go to Planned Parenthood or something. It's always nice to have support in person and get a hug when you need it. Please stick around here! I'll be checking back to see how you're doing.

Julie (jem0622) replied: I haven't been 'signed on' lately so you don't see my signature. I got pregnant when I was 17 and gave my daughter up for adoption at birth. I was 18 at the time. The father was 16.

I just lost a pregnancy (D&C on 1/2) and it has been tough. I was supposed to be 16 weeks when I went in and there was no h/b. I also lost a twin with my eldest DS.

Just want you to know that I've been on both sides of the fence/road/etc.

Julie

CMD3989 replied: Thank you for posting. I understand what you all are saying and my boyfriend and I do all of those things. A big thing that I like to do is cuddling. Sex is not a big part of my life and I don't have sex often. I was just wondering how long it took some women after they had a miscarriage to get their libido back. I am on the birth control pill and I do use condoms. After using both of those I still got pregnant. My boyfriend was there for me and is still there for me afterwards. He is very patient with me and understanding. He knows how I felt about the baby and he felt the same way. I would like it very much if people would stop telling me that I shouldn't be having sex. It was my choice and I was not pressured. I take the precautions that I need to and both my boyfriend and I have been tested. We just happened to get pregnant despite everything that we did to try to prevent it. I believe that everything happens for a reason and what has happened is going to make me a stronger person and is going to strengthen my relationship with my boyfriend.

*Christina Marie*

A&A'smommy replied:
i didnt mean to lecture you, i just think its horrible that you had to go through something like that and i know we keep saying at your especially at your age, but we are saying it because we have been your age and we can see how horrible and life changing it might be. I really hope i didnt upset you i know i HATE to be lectured! I was 16 when i had sex for the first time (it was with a different person and i was pressured) and i still wish i hadnt but if i hadnt i wouldnt be married or have my baby right now. So yes all things happen for a reason...

anyways again im sorry for your loss (((BIG HUGS)).

jem0622 replied:

I think that your wanting to have sex (or not) has more to do with not wanting to miscarry again. And that is very normal. So much has to go right for a pregnancy to be healthy and uneventful. It truly is a miracle. There is a lot that you go thorugh physically and moreso mentally because of the loss. That loss will always be a part of you. I learned through my loss that just because I can get pregnant doesn't mean that I can maintain a full term pregnancy. That was a big kick in the stomach. I wondered what I did wrong to make me lose the baby. And those are normal things to think about. But usually when you lose a pregnancy at the stage that you did it was either due to low progesterone or a chromosomal abnormality. I am glad that your BF is supportive and there for you...because regardless of age or anything it's crucial that you have someone or some group of people to talk to after a miscarriage. My OB's nurse stressed that with me. She said that even if I posted to an online forum it was okay but I needed an outlet where I could talk to others about my loss and work through my feelings (and my good and bad days).

HUGS

aspenblue1 replied: I have not been through what you have but I will say you will know when you are ready. I know it took me a long time after I had my baby to be ready again. I just wanted to send some (((HUGS)))

CMD3989 replied:
Hi Jem. That's exactly how I feel. I'm afraid that if I have sex again then I might get pregnant and I am afraid that I will have another miscarriage. The most important thing in most women's lives are having children. If I can't have children then I feel like I have failed as a women. How do I overcome that feeling? Did anyone else feel this way after a miscarriage?

*Christina Marie*

kimberley replied:

that is exactly how I felt! and to get pg within a few weeks of the m/c... i was an absolute mess. i thought for sure my body would "fail" again and that i wouldn't end up with a baby. i still am so incredibly overprotective over my DD. i guess at some point we have to accept the fact that there are some things in life we can't control and that bad things happen sometimes... not all the time. it is just God's way of saying something wasn't right. it took me a long time to stop blaming myself for the m/c because there is nothing i did (and nothing you did) wrong and there was no way to prevent it. the stats say 1 in 4 pg's end in m/c and they don't know why. maybe you could do something to commemorate your baby's life. we planted a rose bush on the day our baby was supposed to be born and nothing in my garden grows better than this bush. it is my little memorial for the baby that couldn't be who will always be in my heart. more (((((hugs)))) to you. it takes time to heal. we are here to listen.

CMD3989 replied:
My boyfriend and I did something to commemorate our little angel but I don't think that is enough. We named her. I know I wasn't far enough along to know if it was a boy or girl but I had a dream about my baby and I had a strong feeling that it was a girl. What else can I do to remember my baby? Does anyone have any suggestions?

*Christina Marie*

asharene replied: I hope you are feeling better, Christina, and as well didn't mean for my post to be a lecture - I am sure that you are grieving the loss of your child. I have never been in your situation as far as losing a pregnancy. It just jumped out from your post how young you are to be dealing with such heavy duty issues.

P.S. You can still stop having sex and it's ok to do so.

mummy2girls replied: Oh hun i am so sorry...I didnt have a m/c but i did lose my son when he was 17 days old. these are some things i do to remember and honor my baby...

~ on special days such as christmas, his birthday, easter, mothers day I light a candle i have that is his~

~ On the day I lost him i also light a candle and i also go to his gravesite and release balloons~

~ I have a special birthday celbration for him, I buy a cupcake and i eat it on that day, and now that i have jenna i let her eat it~

I hope some of this helps...again i am sorry for youyr loss~ matter what age you are it still hurts to loss a child.(((HUGS)))