How much do you tell your kids?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: DH and I were discussing this over the weekend. His parents experimented with a lot of drugs, even coke and heroine before he was born. I suppose they were very open with their children and told them the truth about everything. I on the other hand have no idea if my parents have even TRIED drugs, and I'm fine with it! I think my dad may have mentioned that he smoked pot maybe once, but that was the end of the conversation. Same goes with sex in my family.

Well I guess this question goes along with the post we just had about whether you let your kids watch whatever they want or whether you stick to age appropriate toys, etc. So sorry to repeat the discussion, but I'm sorta struggling with it.

My question to DH was this: when raising Wil, do you think that at times it's okay to lie to him for the sake of protecting him from things he's too young to know? DH thinks it's wrong to lie in any form, at any time, for any reason. And that if Wil were to ask him about his past, he would tell him the truth. No holding back. Now I believe I am an honest person, but I completely disagree here. It would depend on Wil's age for me. I know that kids will find out information (typically false info) from their peers and I agree that I would rather my child find out the correct information from me, but I would refrain from opening up a can of worms if I felt that Wil wasn't ready to handle it. So a little lie IMO won't hurt. What he doesn't know won't hurt him I guess.

I'm going back and forth here. Because really...I don't want Wil to learn that it's okay for Mom to lie, but not him. That's not right. And I want him to be comfortable coming to me if he has questions or is in trouble. But, but....Oh the choices I need to make!!!!

Where do you stand? Just curious...

luvbug00 replied: I have the don't ask don't tell policy. she asked about intamitcy about how and where babies come from and now she knows. we told her a less grafic version. As far as drug usage well i don't think she'll be asking for a while but when she does we'll tell her. JMO. Hope you find what will work for you.

mckayleesmom replied: I believe Im going to be honest with them....I have never done a drug in my life...so Im good to go there....now dh on the other hand....well....maybe he should lie.....just kidding...But I think lying to them will backfire eventually....What if they find out somehow that you lied?

gr33n3y3z replied: I'm there and I told my kids the truth
I never did it and I dont plan on starting it
The truth is always the best way to go.

boobies4virtue replied: I don't know. I was a bit wild before DD came along and I don't know if I want her to know all the stuff that I did,

NummyMommy replied: I take the middle ground....I answer honestly but I dont offer information that isnt asked for.....and I will tell them when I think they do not need to know. For instance...if my 13 year old son asks me "what happens the first time a girl has sex?" I'll answer honestly and with as much information as I think he can handle. But if he asks "What happened the first time you had sex?" I'll say my experience was unique, personal and I don't feel he needs to know. On the other hand...I might give my daughters more information on that subject only because they are girls. I, personally, would never lie to my kids about my past...but have had to tell them "I can't tell you that" many times (especially since my divorce). There are some things kids really don't need to know and there are honest ways around them. Then again I think its ok to say "I did this but I don't want you to".

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Right now I tell Maddie age appropriate answers to her questions about certain things. I'll always be honest about things such as sex b/c I want her to hear the truth from me and for both of my kids to know they can come to us anytime about those issues. However, if it has something to do with my sexual past or history, I feel that is private and none of anyone's business...not even my children. DH and I agree on this.

There are things I don't know about my parents. Things I've never asked about their past b/c frankly I dont' feel it is my business. My brothers are nosey and they have asked, but I feel like my parents have the right to keep things secret. What they did before we came along has nothing to do with us. I feel they did the best they could in raising us and taught us from experiences they had gone thru when they were young (whether it be from bad relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc) I know none of that stuff went on when I was at home so what do I care? I've never touched a drug and neither has DH. So, I dont' know much in that arena. All I know is if my kids ever are curious I can point to my brothers and say "Ya wanna turn out like that???"

Anyway, I've been thru enough with my brothers to know how that all works. I dont' want to go there and I pray my kids never do.

About lying...I think you should tell what you are comfortable with. Don't feel bad about keeping your private life private. Just talk to him on the standpoint of experience.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I definitely feel that there needs to be a level of privacy between parents and kids. It's probably why I feel strongly that you can't be a parent AND a best friend to your child. A friend, yes, but not to the point where you need to know everything and/or tell them everything about yourself. Maybe that's just because I was raised this way and I turned out fine...okay don't laugh! I would never ask my son whether he's had sex or not. It's none of my business. I will teach him to respect women and to respect himself and how to be safe. But the details stop there.

Thanks for everyone's honest replies!

ions_momma replied: I think if your child asks you should tell them the truth. Ion hasnt really asked about drugs yet, except for what something is if he heres about it in a movie or somewhere. He has asked about sex before though and we just tell him the truth about it. We arent exactly protective parents though to be honest with you. We let him watch some PG-13 movies and things like that so he heres about drugs and stuff alot of the time in the movies but just doesnt ask much.

mom21kid2dogs replied:
You took the post right out of my hand! I've had many frank discussions with my older nieces and kids I've worked with and none have included any sharing of personal info I wasn't comfortable with. I don't beilive my personal business is her personal business just by virtue of the fact that I bore her. If that was the case, the converse would apply and I guess I would have the "right" to grill her on her sexual and drug history throughout her lifetime, eh? I'm certain those frank discussions will come but I'll deal with the issue full on instead of using me as an example.

Boys r us replied: I believe in nothing short of 100% honesty! I didn't lie to Tanner when he asked me if Santa Claus was real, so why would I lie to either of them about something far more important, like drugs or sex? I hope that by telling them the truth about my experiences when they ask, I will be able to help them learn through them. Also I firmly believe that kids know when they're not being told something straight. they know when you're jiving them and I never want to close the door of communication between us b/c they think they won't really get a straight answer from me. Now as far as what's telling them the truth and what's not..if they ask if I've ever done drugs, I won't lie and I will be very honest with them, will I tell them that the night I tried ecstacy I had the best night of my life? Uhm no..but I will be honest about the effects of it, but then explain WHY those effects are so dangerous..meaning what it does to your body to make you feel that way.

AshleyRose replied: Well I think the way that my parents did it was great . They told me "stories" of drugs as if they were friends of theirs that did them and they were pretty scary. Like, for instance, an acid story about walkin in the woods and having acorns turn into huge cockroaches , so you bet your hiney I didn't try that !!! And a few others she told me as well. I believed it 100 percent and at that age (like 14-15) I was thankful for her sharing experiences with me like that . I feel it even brought us closer because we could openly discuss things that might have been coming up in my life and she could give me a better perspective as my mother, someone who has most likely seen or been there, you know? So I ruled a lot of drugs out of my try list because of these stories or even just Mom telling me something was horrible and that was enough for me . Either way, I found out now that I am an adult that all those stories... cockroaches and all, were HER experiences !!! And it didnt bother me because she didnt have zero information to give, she still informed me with "experience" but lied about whose it was until I was old enough. We laughed about it . SO you could always approach it that way. I still stayed away from pretty much everything until I went on a 6 month crazy spree when I was just turned 18 and that wasnt even THAT crazy. okay done HTH

mammag replied: I also tell them the truth when it's appropriate or if it's not I just tell them that. I wouldn't lie about anything but there is some information they don't need to know or aren't at an age level to handle and I tell them it is something we will discuss later. I am open enough that there hasn't been any real issues. The one thing that comes to mind is that I got pregnant before I was married to Chris. I wouldn't volunteer that information to them but if Kristen asks I would tell her the truth about it. Eventually she will figure it out by the dates anyway.

I also never did any drugs and neither did Chris so that isn't a problem.

mom21kid2dogs replied:
I didn't figure that one out until I was almost 30! Told you I had a math disability!

Mommy2BAK replied:
DH and I have also thought about this many times. I don't know exactly what I will tell Blakely, but until she askes we won't be volunteering any info. Maybe by then John and I will have a very strong healthy relationship that she can tell we were ment to be togther.