How would handle this... - kinda long but need honest opinions

punkeemunkee'smom wrote: OK to make a long story longer My bestfriend has a 7 year old little girl,Meg, who is allowed to act differently than Tay is...She is allowed to call names and throw fits-she has more than once lately seemed to direct her comments toward Taylor. I have said stuff to her in front of my best friend but she will start to cry (not really cry but enough to get her mom to say-Oh its OK ) Anyway Taylor has started asking if Meg will be there when we are going places with my best friend and she has more than once said YEA! if I say no... But as soon as I start thinking we will just cut ties Taylor will say Meg is my best friend -Kids! It has started to become a behavior issue with Taylor when they do play together because Meg is allowed to get away with so much Taylor really pushes rules to see if she can go buck wild because Meg is-KWIM? Now PLEASE understand I am NOT saying that Taylor never acts up on her own But it is different boundries she pushes...ANYWAY.....Lastnight was our Girl Scout Unit wide Christmas Party. Taylor was so excited and all of the area troops were there. Meg is older so she is a Brownie and she was in her Brownine Troop. Taylor saw her and jumps up and hugs her and says 'HEY Meg!!!' Meg pushes her off and turns her head away from her. She would not say anything to her-now she kept coming around her all night with 3 of her friends just to ignore her...I let it go on a few times until she did it right in front of me and then whe she saw me she says OH HI Tay Like she had just seen her and says Hi Aunt Abbie Like What did I do? So I did not say anything to her but I gave her a look that was very clear. My bestfriend calls me this morning pretty testy because Mag says that I was mean to her lastnight...I had yelled at her because she was playing and being loud OK first of all there were 150 kids there-loud was not a controlable option 2nd Taylor got burned lastnight on the hot cocoa machine and so alot of the night I was holding her with a bowl of ice water in front of us But she wanted to stay and play the games and do the dance competition so we stayed...sorry-that was a sidebar I told my bestfriend what had actually happened and she says Well I wasn't there (she went to her office party) and so I will talk to her-she asks Meg while I am on the phone what happened and she changes it to I did not hear Taylor talking to me it was loud. Then she says I am not inside her brain how was I supposed to know she was going to talk to me I was talking to my friends I am not listening to Taylor all the time. My friend tells me that kids will be kids and what did I expect that Maegan take Taylor around all night? I said NO Taylor had her own friends there but IT is NOT OK for Meg to be allowed to ignore Taylor and then want to play today when her 'older' friends are busy...I said a friend is one 100% of the time or Not at all.And that at 7 years old Maegan should get that lesson! She said Meg is not as kind hearted at Tay and that she was sorry that was so hard for me to deal with I told her that I could see where she stands but I was not going to allow my daughter's feelings to be hurt so if they could not hang out and be friends then I guessed that meant that her and I can't either I know it sounds alot to be willing to end a friendship (10 years) over litterally a childish issue but I don't feel like it is fair that Taylor is the one who has to suck up the bad behavior and the plain mean streak sometimes when nothing is going to be done about it.....
Am I wrong? Isn't it the parents responsability to teach our children manners and compassion? How do you just excuse your child hurting the feelings of anyone but especially someone who is her 'baby best friend' since birth? I am really sad that Taylor got her feelings hurt and I am really angry that my 'best friend' blew it off so easily especially if you could see the way she babies Maegan and asks Taylor to apoligize if she looks at her wrong Help me see if I am missing something here!!!!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: No, I think you are right. The one thing I always try to teach Maddie is to be nice to our friends...even when they aren't being so nice to us. There's never a reason or an excuse to treat our friends badly. I wish that everyone would teach their children this. Of course kids will be kids and they have a lot of lessons to be learned, but your friend should have said "Well, I was unaware that Meg was behaving that way...I'll be sure and have a talk with her..we don't act that way in our house." or something to that effect. If not for anything else, but to preserve your friendship. Friends are pretty hard to come by. And if you have a good friend, but there is strife between the kids it's always best to clear that up to save a good friendship. Christina and I have had to do this several times (at least once this past week as a matter of fact). But, we both know where we stand. I know what she expects from her children and she knows what I expect from mine. Being disrespectful is NOT something we tolerate. We just have to tell each of the girls that they can have other friends, but to ALWAYS include their best friends and if their 'new' friends are being rude to their best friend they are to ALWAYS stick up for their best friend. I happen to think it's a good rule and it works for us. Girls can be so mean. I don't want my daughter to be a mean girl. I wish your friend could see this. I'm sorry. It's so difficult having friends sometimes, isn't it?

blue72 replied: I wouldn't end a friendship over it. It is incredibly difficult not to want to step in when you child encounters problems with peers. You aren't going to be able to step in and make everything better. The best thing you can do is to help your child understand that everyone is different, how to walk away if someone is being mean, and teach them to be a good person. I have to remind myself that I can't choose my sons friends. I can somewhat steer them and pray to God they pick good friends.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I agree with this and not only friends but everyone.

I can see where the girl gets it from sorry but as a parent she should have delt with it at least by saying to the daughter while you were on the phone did you ever think about her feeling and you were raised not to be rude
I would never put up with that ever.
I hope you both can be friends and lets hope the daughter learned something from what happend.
to Tay and you

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Absolutely! I should have said everyone, but I had a certain instance in my mind that I was recalling when I was typing this. You made some great points.

I also agree with blue72. There are very few times when I get involved with Maddie's spats. I just want to make sure SHE isn't the one hurting feelings or being rude. BUT, when a parent calls me to confront me it is hard not to discuss it (I never let Maddie hear me discuss her, btw). I learned this last time to just say "It's okay, I've talked with Maddie and we are both over it...there's no need to discuss it further." And that's the truth. Some things you just have to let go.

Our Lil' Family replied: Well my opinion of the situation is that your friend of 10 years should care about your daughter as her own, and it should hurt her to see Taylor hurt. KWIM? I have a best friend of 12 years and I know that anytime her daughter is picked on or whatever I hurt just as if I were her own mother, because she is my best friend's daughter! I don't know how close you and your friend are but after 12 years Carrie and I are sisters, minus the blood! If Thomas treated her son that way you better believe he'd be having some kind of punishment from it....no two ways about it!

So my point here is I would question your friend's loyalty to you...because the way she is letting her daughter get away with treating Tay is a reflection of that, IMHO!

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I am in full agreement that kids should, most of the time, be allowed to work out their own squabbles. I think that maybe this is a case of the proverbial straw that broke the mommy's back We hold Taylor to a higher standard of behavior in almost everything and (while I am not saying we are perfect parents) they allow behavior that is nothing less than embarassing in many instances.Taylor is allowed to stand up for herself but Taylor is not allowed to be mean to anyone! My friend and I tried to talk again-she kept saying things like 'I wish Maegan would be as kind as Taylor-she just is not' I am sorry but IMO excuses for a 7 year old being 'nice when she wants to be' is totally unacceptable. I know that you should feel compassion on your own but at 7 years old if you don't somebody should be stressing that emotion to you. Honestly what I am hearig is 'Yep,she is growing up to be kinda mean,but since that is her personality-we are just fine with it.' She has been a friend for a long time and I will probably really miss hanging out but it is not worth it to me if Taylor is going to be treated badly with not so much as a blink of an eye from a friend of mine. IF I had even heard 'well Meg doesn't have to be nice all the time but I will tell her that she is to be nice all the time to Taylor (once again not talking about the little tiffs they get into. I do mean no saying you are stupid,ugly,boring,ETC!!!) I would have been like cool are we still going to the mall on Sunday? But to blow it off and say some of the things she said-I really don't feel like in the long run I or Taylor is losing much of a true friendship

punkeemunkee'smom replied:
I did not see this before I posted. But that is EXACTLY how I feel. She really does expect Taylor to apoligize for EVERYTHING! I do mean it has been as small as Maegan feels you looked at her mean Taylor can you say sorry? I think it all was very clear to me lastnight when I said Tay I think we are going to take a break from Maegan for awhile and Taylor said 'Thank you!' Then she asked if we could still see LaLa (her nickname for my friend) If the shoe had been on the other foot I can promise you that I would have been hearing from her as well-but I would have taken care of it,like you said out of concern for Maegan just like she was my own.....

Boys r us replied: Eeek...sounds like a mess!!! The little girls sounds like a real brat if you ask me.

But here's my, opinion..if it's her bad behavior rubbing off on Tay that you're worried about, then in my opinion, you should distance the two of them. If it's Taylor's feelings being hurt you're worried about, as hard as it may be, you should let the girls work it out between the two of them. It's hard not to get involved, but sometimes it's more beneficial to let the kids figure things out on their own, without parental involvement...it helps them in the long run and eventually Taylor will get sick of it and not want to play with Meg anymore..when that happens it will be her doing and when anyone asks why Taylor doesn't want to play anymore, you can say just that, Taylor doesn't want to play, and that will be the end of it will no parental persuasion or guilt on your part! Plus perhaps in the end Taylor and meg will learn a lesson!

Boo&BugsMom replied: Abbie, we have a few similar situations. I know Tanner is definitly not a perfect child by any means, but we have 3 relatives that are let to act the total opposite of what we expect Tanner to act like. Unfortunately, they are family members and we can't cut ties, however, the time spent with them is VERY limited. If they were friends, I am not sure what I would do. I do know how you feel though. We spend a lot of time and effort into parenting our children to act a certain way and we don't want other children to mess that up. I suppose we should consider it a learning experience...learning and teaching what NOT to do situations. In this situation I would also be concerned about your friends loyalty and feelings towards Tay. If that was my child acting that way to a friends child, that would not have flown. I know older kids don't want to be around littler kids, but whatever happend to teaching children general courtesy and respect?

punkeemunkee'smom replied:
I looked at it like that for a long time! Taylor was seeing how NOT to behave but that doesn't work very well when the child who behaves that way has no consiquences! I do NOT want people to speak about my child the way they do about Meg! I have had people who know us comment on how Taylor is so much better than Maegan and how Taylor behaves differently and seems happier when she is not with Meg.....I don't know! I know I am But I feel like I know what is best-it is just sad that it is costing a friendship Well actually 2-Taylor is sad too but like I said she has said she doesn't want to play with her anymore because sometimes she is mean and hurts her heart

Boo&BugsMom replied: Abbie, this Meg sounds like a spoiled brat. I wouldn't want my child hanging around that either. I know it's easy for any of us to say we wouldn't end a friendship over this, but it sounds like it's a really stressful situation, and one that is not at all good for Tay. If it was what was best for my own child to cut ties or to put very limited time into it, I would do it, because ulitmately my child and his/her well being would have to come first. I also believe children should learn to work out their own problems, BUT when you have an older child who treats a younger child THAT horribly, then it's our job as parents to step in, especially when the parent of the older child doesn't know how to be a disciplining parent.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
ITA!! I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'm sorry, Abbie. I didn't know it had gotten that bad. You are such a sweet person and have taught Tay to be so loving and caring. I can see how you wouldn't want the influence of Meg to destroy everything you have worked so hard for.