How would you feel about this?? - I need some advice/opinions

Bee_Kay wrote: Most of you know about my emotional rollercoaster ride with my stepdaughter for the past 6 months or so.

So I need some advice on something coming up.

Background (that most of you know anyways):

** She moved out at 17, without warning into her BF home.

** She didn't come around on holidays and didn't call on our birthdays, ect.

** There have been many times that she wouldn't answer our phonecalls (sometimes for a month or more at a time).

** She asked that I attend her ultrasound appt, but didn't let me know and so I wasn't able to be there

** She hasn't attended school since the end of Nov/beginnig of Dec.

Anyways, the list is pretty long.

SO, now graduation is now about 2 weeks away and she is now panicing and enrolled for 3 online classes and 2 classes through the mail in order to earn credits to graduate on time. She is cramming 5 required credits into the last month or so of school (which I don't agree that they are allowing her to do this).

So, she calls me a few days ago and tells me that she was informed that as long as she completes her work by the 26th of this month, they will allow her to graduate.

She then asks me what day she and her boyfriend should have their graduation party (apparently they are having it together). I said "Thats completely up to you."

She then starts talking about me getting her graduation pictures and anouncements (which she never got because the school had order forms AFTER she moved out and neither her or the BF mother had the money to pay for them) and what *I* can do about it.

She then puts the boyfriends mother on the phone and she starts asking me about this party.... where? when? what food? ect.


I am pulled on this. On one hand we are her parents and that is the kind of thing parents do.
But, on the other hand, she moved out and chose to be on her own. So a part of me wants to tell her "You're on your own. Finances are a part of being a 'grown-up', and these are the types of challenges she chose to take on by making the choice to move out.

What do you think? I don't want to be a witch or anything about it.

b&bsmom replied: I agree it is a tough choice however, she decided to move out and not go to school so she should be on her own for the other stuff. I know easier said then done but that is how I feel. I don't know what I would do if it was my dd

mammag replied: If I were in your position I would probably contribute a little but wouldn't pay for everything. I'm inclined to agree with you that she made the decision to "make it on her own" and now she needs to live up to that decision. If it were something major like medical trouble or such, I'd be more giving but not for a party. There are people (me for instance) who did not get a graduation party so I don't think you should have any guilt about not doing this for her.

In fact, I would probably decide how much you planned to gift her for her graduation and if she wants to use it for a party instead of something more important than so be it.

Just my take...

C&K*s Mommie replied: I really do not know since I am not in your shoes, so this will be a shot in the dark response. I would say congragulate her on wanting to graduate with her class, but leave the party planning to her and the mother of the bf. It was her decision to move out, leave you holding the bag with many things for the last few months, and now that she is anxious to graduate on time, she deserves that congrats, but I would leave parties and such out-- at least your financial supporting side of it.

luvbug00 replied: Sorry but I say if she were mine. absolutley not! if she wants to play house with her BF SHE is now the adult and should pay for her own things. once your out your the adult . IMO and getting a graduation party is a privilage not a right and i honestly DO NOT think after all she's done, she has earned it.

Bee_Kay replied: Another thing came up. Her graduation party list.....

She plans on inviting some family members and some of my personal friends....

The problem? They aren't too inclined to attend because most of them have tried getting a hold of her since she became pregnant.... either to chit-chat with her, see how she is doing, ect and she has ignored their phonecalls (looked at caller ID) and the messages they left.

So, some of them aren't too happy with her after being treated that way and don't plan on participating with her graduating.

(actually, some of them she has out-n-out ignored when they would see her in a store and they would say "hi" to her) and now she wants to invite them to her grad party.

mammag replied:
Let her deal with that. If she wants to send them invitations then let her. If the come, fine... If they don't, oh well.

I think you are worrying too much about it and getting too involved. Tell her if she wants to have a party that is fine but she needs to handle the details on her own. This isn't a wedding they are planning after all.

luvbug00 replied: me again..

as far as the friends which is no ones fault but her own and let her deal with the conciquences. I would be reluctent to go to anything of anyone who blew me off.

Bee_Kay replied:
I wasn't planning on doing anything about it Just adding a little info

Bee_Kay replied:

The way that she and the bf mom were on the phone, you'd think they were planning a wedding

luvbug00 replied: maybe they are planning a mini wedding but it's supposed to be a surprise... is that possible??

Bee_Kay replied:
OMG I hope not!

JP&KJMOM replied: Barb first off sweetie cause I know this is making you nuts.
Now, you have gone above and beyond with trying to get her to finish school and now she is working like a mad woman trying to get it done. My question is that will she actually graduate at this late date? I know it can be done but WILL she actually do it? For her sake I hope so and your sanity too.
I am not sure I could help with pics and invitations either. IMO why should you have to fork over the $$$ now that she has decided at the last minute to do this. Tell her to go to Walmart and get some pics done and make some invites on the computer if she does not have the money her self.

I tend to agree with Nadia on how to deal with it and sometimes tough love is what it takes. BUT from another point of view I might help but not over help and spend a bunch of money! KWIM?

Bee_Kay replied: Well, her graduating depends on ALOT of "ifs"

IF she completes the work
IF she get no "Fs" on any assignment
IF she gets it all in on time
IF she gets her final test done
IF she aces every single test

So, I don't know.

Cece00 replied: I think its time for a little tough love, IMO. I wouldnt be throwing a graduation party for her, considering all that has gone on. I would probably get her a graduation present, attend the party if SHE or her boyfriend's mother threw it, but I wouldnt do it myself. I know that will probably be hard for you (it would be hard for me) but she has made a lot of grownup decisions lately & she cant revert back to being a kid now.

This is JMO, too, but I wouldve called the cops on her & had her dragged back home if she moved out without warning @ the age of 17 and was at risk of failing school. Graduation from high school is not an option.

Good luck to you, Barb, I can imagine how agonizing this whole situation is for you.

Bee_Kay replied:

I know, I remember asking advice here about that very subject. She was actually doing very well in school, until she moved in with him

ashtonsmama replied: My first reaction:
"You moved out, you must think you're a grown-up, so you get to act like one and pay for things yourself!"

That's just me.

I agree with Crystal's comments.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Ha! I'd say "YOU tell ME where it is and I will show up." I wouldn't dare lift a finger or pay a penny towards it. No way no how. I know you love her and want to be supportive, but like the others said, a grad party is a privilege for someone who has worked hard all 13 years of school. She is giving a half @$$ effort now that she knows she's in danger of failing and she wants a party???? Not to mention the way she has treated you. She needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions. She needs to know how much her actions effect others. This will be a hard lesson learned and a hard one to teach, but you are doing great so far.

mckayleesmom replied:
ditto

Bee_Kay replied:
LOL! Thanks Aimee!! I love your bold honesty!

You took the words right outta my DH's mouth!!!

Your comment on the half @ss effort is exactly what I mean why I don't agree with the school allowing her to recieve the same full credits as everyone else that has gotten their butts out of bed 5 days a week and showed up to EARN those credits.

One instance. She is enrolled in chorus. Well, you can't earn a credit for chorus if you don't participate, right?? Apparently WRONG. The teacher is allowing her to earn a FULL credit if she writes ONE report on classical music

You just have a better way with words than me

Bee_Kay replied: also wanted add a "thank you" to everyone that replied and offered advice. I think it's best that we (me and dh) be "tough" about it.

I don't know how I got wrangled into it anyways..... I didn't offer any help
Thanks again!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm glad you are feeling better about it. I know I would feel extremely guilty if I said "no" to something like this and I would have to come here and ask others to reassure me that I did the right thing. That's probably all you needed...some reassurance. Just keep standing your ground, hun. She's gonna learn and she's going to be a fantastic mom b/c she had a great role model.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: ITA with just about everyone else here, but I like Jeanie's idea about giving her a bit of money as a gift and letting her do with it as she pleases. If she wants to put it towards pictures and a party, so be it. But ONLY if she actually graduates. This way you're congratulating her on actually graduating, but not going over the top like she obviously expects you too. It's a tough one, but give it a couple years and it will click with her as to why you're stepping back.

I think you're right when you said the BF's mom is fishing around for money....I got that feeling right from the start. Be careful.

gr33n3y3z replied:
you took the words right out of my mouth

I'm sure you will do what is best for you

holley79 replied: Barb just wanted to offer you some I have no clue what I would do. I can't believe they are letting her cram.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: You said step daughter so my first thought without scrolling down is asking your husband what he thinks? I don't remember seeing this but where is the biological mom?

Sometimes you have to be tough. Tough love hurts but sometimes its for the best.
You could say I will have it here but you need to figure out what to do for food etc.... tell her being adult is compromise and financial responsibility so...

Otherwise I don't know but I know some of the lessons I carry close to me was when at the time I thought my mom was being a total WITCH and now I realize she was just helping me and now i see that.......

God bless hope all works out

Bee_Kay replied:

I started dating my DH when my sd just turned 2 years old. Her biological mother cheated on my dh many times, and my dh happened to walk in on it, walked out the door and had divorce papers drawn up and served to her within a couple hours.

The ex then moved out of state leaving my sd with my dh and she has only had contact with my sd a handful of times over the past 16 years.

So, IRL I don't refer to her as SD, I do on this board to explain and clarify our family dynamics.


ETA:

About my DH. He is, I think, a typical father dealing with an incredibly rebellious daughter that has disappointed him alot over the past couple years.
He hasnt washed his hands of her or anything..... but he has definately has the "YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN" attitude towards her.

~~*Missi*~~ replied:
as a previous rebellious daughter rest assured SOMEDAY we grow up.... and for her sake I HOPE it is before this little precious child comes to the world or maybe it will be the first time she holds him or her..... but i will come..
Tell him to hang in there and be strong... don't walk away but don't give in....

Bee_Kay replied: Thanks.

I should really take some tips from my dh on how to be so laid back about this and not so d*mn motherly!!

I, too, hope she grows up and I pray and pray that she doesn't inherit the parenting skills from her biological mother. Actually, I read that that kind of stuff can actually be genetically inherited.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: in my case that would be a COOL thing but yeah lets hope that it didn't pass down for that babies sake......

your doing what my mom did and any other mother does when thier child someone they love and would do anything for is screwing up thier lives right before your eyes.. I alot of the time blame myself for my mothers medical problems (heart) because I was such a Sh!! when younger.

What took me to get my head out of the sand. Was I had my car stoled by a friend. He led the cops on a high speed chase, and crashed my brand new car into a tree.... For three days he lied to me no cops called nothing.... It was registered to me. he was only to be taking it to get the oil changed by his "father" who is a mechanic.... I even met the man downstairs at my house. come to find out this kid paid a old guy to "pretend" to be his father....
Long story short I lost my job, my life was threatened by the kid if i turned him in for being the driver which i did.... but I was escorted out of my apartment by 7 police and 3 detectives and a mover was sent for the rest.... I spent the entire trial and sentencing in side for fear that something would happen to me. I knew nothing I thought he was a decent kid and we were "friends" needless to say it was the worse thing and the best thing all in one...
I grew up... I learned that friends, actions etc.. all have consequences on my life...

Bee_Kay replied: Missi-

WOW! That is a tough lesson learned from you.

Unfortunately, my sd has BTDT in a different way. Her ex-boyfriend had a warrant out for his arrest for breaking & entering a convenience store. My SD lied and told me she knew nothing about it.

The ex-bf found out he was wanted, my SD ran away from home and hid out with him. He found out the cops were looking for her (because we immediately reported her as a runaway) and so he set her up to get caught. He told her he was running to the store.... instead he left her where they had been staying and made an anonymous phonecall to the police telling them of her whereabouts.

She was caught and thrown into the back of a police vehicle and brought to the law enforecement center. She was then sent to a juvenile detention center and then to an out of town foster home.

After she came back home, she was still "in love" with him (knowing he had set her up) and the only reason they didnt get back together is that he started sleeping with one of her friends.

Shortly after that, she also started seeing someone else.... Her ex-bf's friend (who is now the father of her baby).

Less than a year ago, my SD found out that we knew she was skipping school, so my DH grounded her. (we found out later) the next day at school, she and her BF (the father of her baby) planned it out to have her runaway that night (which she did) and her BF hid her out at her aunts house for a month.

I really thought she would have learned.... but, we'll have to wait and see I guess.