I am a bit worried

Kaitlin'smom wrote: about kaitlin and her daddys relationship......she does not want much to do with him in the moring espically weekdays, she tells him to leave when I am putting her to bed, and she wants nothing to do with him in the middle of the night when she wakes up. I dont know how to help them. I know is mostly my falut for just taking care of her for the first 1-1 1/2 of her life, I did not ask him much to help or do this or that, how can I help change this with out having to may battles with her? I feel terrible, cause I know some of the way she acks towards him hurts his feeling, and makes him feel pretty useless.

is this a phase? any advice? anywone going or been through this?

MommyToAshley replied: It sounds like Kaitlin needs some time alone with her Daddy. Since you have taken care of her most of the time (and have done a very good job ), she will want you if you are around. But, if you are not there, then they will have a chance to bond, create memories of their own, and she will feel more comfortable and safe knowing that Daddy can take care of her too. So, my recommendation would be to give them some time together when you are not even there.... you leave the house, go shopping, go to the gym, or wherever. Be prepared, he may not do things the same as you, but it will be fine.

And, don't be surprised if you are hurt the first time Kaitlin wants Daddy to tuck her in or cries for Daddy when she wakes up. Ashley goes back and forth between who she wants... but I remember the first time she wanted Daddy, I was a little hurt. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they have a good relationship, but it still hurt my feelings that she wanted Daddy over me.

5littleladies replied: I agree, she could use some alone time with daddy. However, tell your dh to not feel too bad. Maddie never wanted to do anything with Daddy when she was little-even when he did try and take her out for one on one time. She would cry the whole time and ask for me and he felt terrible. Now he is her favorite person! I really think they go through phases. I'm sure his turn will come!

Boys r us replied: I don't know how to say this without it possibly sounding bad..and well..I don't mean for it to sound bad..LOL

Anyhow, I don't think you should accpet any of the blame for this simply because you didn't ask him to help do necessary things for her as an infant! Even if the mother is the primary care giver the first year..that doesn't mean the other parent has to lack a relationship with the child. Think of it this way, I went back to work when Braedon was 3 mnths old...so for the majority of his life, his child care provider has been his "primary caregiver" during the day..which would equate to most of his awake time! Anyhow, my point is that, that doesn't mean he and I don't have a bond. As a parent you have to WORK to create that bond.
This is not your responsibility..this is her dad's.

I think the two of them could use some alone time...maybe he can take her to chuck e cheese or even to do some christmas shopping for mommy or well, the list could go on forever..just spend some time the two of them alone, where they will have a chance to bond and where she will also realize that he is also in a caretaker role and she can trust him just as she trusts you to be there to console and take care of her!

DansMom replied: Sounds like good advice above! Some kids just prefer mommy while they're toddlers at least. DH is full time caretaker while I work, and yet I am always preferred when I'm around. I think the alone time is key---so that he gains confidence too. When you're there, she'll probably always prefer you and come to you. I didn't really prefer daddy time till I was older. Then I tried to be like him and do everything he did.

coasterqueen replied: Well I can tell you Kylie was a lot like this before I got pregnant. Then with all the "rest" I'm supposed to have DH has been doing a lot of the nighttime activities with Kylie including all the bedtime stuff and throughout the night. Now she's literally attached to him more than me. Makes me a little sad but it's great to see her so happily attached to him.

I think the advice others has given is good .

Kaitlin'smom replied:
Oh it did not sound bad at all.....just a bit like the truth I still do feel its a bit more my fault for not pushing it more, but on the other hand I cant force him to do something he does not want to do. I know he wants to help he is just unsure of how or what to do. He does love her and wants to be able to take care of her. He is just not handling her re-jecting him so well.

I will have to start by leaving them alone at least one night a week and he does the parent thing for her, just will have to create a routine for them, or work on usings a version of mine.



I work also so during the day her sitter is her caregiver during the day, so I know how that is.

MomToMany replied: I agree they need to be alone together. I've never had to deal with this (yet). What's your DH's schedule like? Is it pretty routine, or does it vary? Kids this age love routine, so if his is out of whack, she might resent it and put up a fight. She needs to know exactly what time he will be home. Maybe get a child's clock or a regular analog one so you can show her exactly what time Daddy gets home. Then if she asks, you can tell her exactly when he will be home.

Another thing might be to do more family activities, but let them play together more. You will still be there, but not "right" there, if that makes sense.

HTH!

Kaitlin'smom replied:
was it hard the first few times, him taking the responsibiliy? what I am asking is was she scraming for mommy alot? and if so how did you and he handle that?

coasterqueen replied:
No not really....because Ryan has always been apart of the nighttime routine in some way..always giving bath and such but there were a few nights when she'd wake up she'd hollar for mommy but when daddy went back she'd wimper a sec and be fine. Now she only hollars for daddy. It's more of an adjustment for me when I do have to do the nighttime hours with her because she'll ask for her daddy and wimper for a sec that I'm there instead.

Kaitlin'smom replied:
its pretty regular, 3 days we get home before him, I think she really likes when daddy is already home, so I am exploring the idea of either starting to work a bit later or something so he is home before us more days. He does play with her quite a bit more than he used to. unfortinually he does not get the rutine thing, espically about her bedtime, she is best when she goes down right around 7:30p, he fells it should not matter, and that we should not have to conform to her schedule.

mummy2girls replied: have that alone time with her daddy! Jenna prefers me over her daddy 90 % of the time and that because i did everything! He is starting to take her wiothout me around so its helped a great deal. she now says daddy everytime she sees a red truck. as her daddy has a red truck...LOL

Kaitlin'smom replied: thanks everyone. I pretty much gathered they need some alone time its just getting them both comfortable that I worry about. just need to get that out, i am again feeling quite low today and some of the things DH and I talked about did not help and this was one thing.

Boys r us replied: One more thought: Is it possible for dh to pick her up from the sitters a few nights a week?

I know this will sound weird, but my little brother, he's 18..he loves kids and has always had a very close relationship with Tanner and it upset him that Braedon never wanted anything to do with him. So he picked B up from his sitter a few times and Braedon loved it..it was something special and he remembered it...I think that helped in creating a special friendship between them! Maybe this will work for Kaitlin too!

Kaitlin'smom replied:
I guess the answer is yes and no, he could but its a bit inconvient, I work 5 minutes from the sitter he is 1/2 hour, then its a 1/2 hour home from sitters.....


ps its not weird

mama3x replied: DS was like that for the first 2 years of his life and when his father and I divorced, it got worse. As he got older though he minded less and less the visitation.

DD is very attached to me and often protests being carried by daddy.

Developmentally, it is perfectly normal for baby/toddler to be super-attached to the primary caregiver and/or mom. It usually continues to varying degrees until about preschool age, 3-5 yrs old. THEN everything becomes DADDY DADDY DADDY! It's hard to deal with because for one thing you feel relieved that you've finally gotten some respite but then again you feel like hey, I did so much for you and now I don't matter!

I do want to recommend that you don't force them to have time alone together. Of course if you need a break or want to go somewhere by yourself, by all means leave your little one with daddy. But don't push too hard. Take it slow.

Good luck!

kimberley replied: i agree too. when i got called back to work saturday nights at the bar, i didn't know if i could do it because Jade was the same way. always wanting me. the ONLY thing that has helped BOTH of them adjust was time alone together. DH is now less anxious when i step out for a bit because he is building that bond with her... finding things that only he does with her to make her laugh or smile. it is wonderful they needed to learn how to deal with each other and it did take a few crying nights and failed attempts, but it had to be done. they love each other more now. i wish you the best of luck with this. keep us posted.

Gatalita replied: I am now really worried. My husband hardly spends any time w/ my 14 month old son. He usually always pushes him off on me and I seem to do everything when it concerns him. However, I do have to give him credit that once in awhile he'll do something to help. My son doesn't really want to spend that much time with him and sometimes when my husband walks into the room he'll start crying and walk to me and beg for me to hold him. This makes my husband PISSED and he blames me b/c he says that I am the one who taught it to him. Could this cause a potentially long term problem? Is there anything u can suggest for me do to hlp to prevent this from becoming a prob. (other than asking him, b/c I've already tried)? I'm really worried now.