I have a question

newadoptiveparent wrote: Hi everyone,

I'm new here. My nine year old son who was adopted 3 weeks ago is very clingy. He constantly wants to be hugged or held, and even picked up. He gets scared easily, so sometimes he even wants me to carry him. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but he is a big kid. He's almost as tall as me. I'm 5'6 and he's 4'11, almost 5 feet tall. So it's awkward to carry him. Also, he wants me to carry him like a little kid; arms around my neck, legs around my waist (this is so he can bury his head in my shoulder). But because of his height, his feet come down to just about 5 inches above my ankles. But it's okay because he only weighs about 55 lbs, so I can carry him for a maxium time of about 6 minutes before I have to put him down. My question is, is this normal for an adopted child to behave like this? Also, do any of you carry your children (7 or above) if they ask?

Thank you

Alice replied: My son is adopted, but it was at age 7 months, so it doesn't really factor into his behavior-- at least not yet.

Do you know anything about his background?? I'm certainly no expert, but I imagine his clinginess has to do with permance: he wants his snuggles from you because a) perhaps he hasn't had enough of them and/or he wants to cement your relationship.

Under normal circumstances, I would say he's a bit too old to be carried, but yours aren't normal circumstances.

Perhaps you could increase the "snuggle time" at home. Find a comfortable place-- ours was the rocking chair until Kira broke it 2 weeks ago-- and designate it as the "snuggle chair." Let him know that you're available for snuggles anytime it's practical-- that doesn't include the middle of the mall, but does include 10 minutes after you get home. Perhaps you could make up coupons for free snuggles, to be redeemed when he needs a hug-- maybe the promise of one coming up will help with his insecurity.

The agency you used could probably provide some info on this-- or, if you didn't use an agency, call some local ones. We went through New Beginnings
(www.new-beginnings.org) Even though they specialize in international adoption, (and I'm not sure that applies to you,) I bet they could point you in a direction as to what to expect when adopting an older child; they gave us great preparation for adopting an infant. Some others that do internationa adoption are Holt and Spence Chapin; I bet any of them, or the ones that do domestic adoption, could point you towards some solid info.

Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

Alice replied: Hi-- me again. Something else just occured to me as I was watching (?) Barney with my 2 year old.

I have a "Mom's Necklace" with one charm to represent each of my kids. My kids, Brian especially, love knowing that I can touch the charm and think of them any time I miss them.

How about something similar, on a 9 year old boy scale? You could get a photo key chain, take a picture of a family hug or something, and keep it in his pocket. (Important: anything that a child really really needs, have in identical triplicates. That way, losing it or leaving it at school isn't a crisis) When he feels the need for a hug, maybe looking at the picture would help-- kind of a security blanket for big boys.

Oh, and get the book The Kissing Hand (sorry, I don't know the author, but lots of Kindergarten teachers use it, so it shouldn't be hard to find) . It's about a mom who kisses the palm of her child's hand before he leaves (for school?). Each time he misses her, he holds the hand to his cheek and receives a kiss from mom.

I hope this helps a bit.

newadoptiveparent replied: Thank you, that sounds so sweet. I'll let you know how it goes.

newadoptiveparent replied: It didn't work . I took him to the mall today, and I figured I'd give your suggestion a try. I gave him a rosary and told him to squeeze it whenever he felt scared and everything would be alright. So, I took him to the mall today because I had to get him a book for his book report. On the way to the bookstore, we paced by a store that had those movie character cutouts (I think it was of The Terminator or something). But anyway it really scared him. He started to cry, and then whimper and then he asked me to pick him up. I told him to remember the rosary and I also told him the the cutout wasn't real but he wouldn't listen. He still continued to cry. So picked him up and sort of rocked him and shooshed him but then he said, "Mommy, I wanna go home. Carry me to the car." So I said alright, and I put him down. I had him go over to the nearest bench to stand on it so I could pick him up. I picked him up and was just about to carry him off when he caught a glimpse of the cutout again. He started to scream, and cry, so I carried him back through the mall as fast as I could, but when you've got a 55 lbs 9 year old in your arms, you can't go very fast. At one point, I actually tripped and fell because of the weight, and he started to scream and cry some more. So I picked him up again, and when I did he wrapped his legs around my waist as tightly as he could and wrapped his arms around my shoulders as tightly as he could. He put his head on my shoulder and I pressed his head against my cheek to get him to relax, and I could feel the tears streaming down them. I started to carry him off when I stumbled again. I didn't want to fall, so I put one of my arms under his bottom to support him while my other was supporting his head. I carried him as quickly as I could out of the mall, while attracting odd stares from the other people. I wouldn't blame them, it must have looked weird seeing a person carrying her big, screaming and crying 9 year old son through the mall. Oh God, when will this end. Do you think we have a real problem here? Should I take him to a therapist or something? Because I don't want this happening again.

loveydad replied: Regression is very common in children who have been through a big change or trauma/tradgety.

Sounds like he likes you and he wants to make sure you're near at all times. He's probably been moved around quite a bit and the poor guy just wants to feel like his new mom is going to be there all the time.

It's important at this point that you make sure he KNOWS you're not going anywhere, and he's not going anywhere either. It's only been three weeks since you adopted him! He needs time!

I know it's tough at this point, but this little boy has probably been through a lot and needs to know that he will not be left again. I suggest staying close. Maybe telling him "I can't pick you up but I can give you a hug or hold your hand and I will be right here." That might save a little trauma to your back.

Remember, this must be terrifying for the poor kid! My son went through this too after I got him back from his mom's, and he was a lot older than your son.

Read your second post. I would suggest (just my humble opinion) that you try not to carry him anymore. It's probably best to change this behavior now. Like I said, you can tell him "I can't carry you but I can hold your hand".

I would suggest when you encounter something scary like that, trying to head these things off? I know you don't know what will upset him. This is ONLY a suggestion since I don't know your situation very wlel, but I would just hug him or hold his hand, and keep telling him that you are there and you won't let anything happen to him. He needs to know he'll be alright. Maybe when that starts to happen, just leave. It's not worth it. Regroup in the car if you need to and ask him to tell you what makes him feel scared... you know that kind of thing. I would also maybe suggest that you don't take him to such a stessful place as the mall? I realize to us the mall is a fun adventure, to normal kids this is true. But my son has severe social anxiety and taking him to the mall causes him to be very scared, and he has to work through it. The mall is a scary place with a lot of people he doesn't know there. That may be the problem.

I would suggest talking to his pedatrition or a counsler about this. He may have some demons.
It will take time, but he should progress. Hope this helps. I want to say that my advice is just that, you know what is right for your son ultimately.

Oh, about your question whether I carry my children - I didn't have custody of henry when he was this age. But when my 5 year olds holler to be carried I stick them on my back unless they're really upset over something and will contunie to do this.

Alice replied: Viggo made some great points. Three weeks is no time at all to adjust-- just think of the progress you've made: he already knows he can rely on you to protect him from the scary stuff!! (And, speaking as a Catholic: not knowing his background: does he really understand how a rosary would be a source of support? If he isn't coming from a religious background, it might take some time before it makes him feel better. You may have explained the words, but it takes some time to internalize. Would a stuffed animal work better for now??)

And fear of those characters is really common: I know that my 2 older kids are NOT the only ones afraid of the Easter Bunny, Santa, and Chuckie Cheese. Those Halloween stores are killers too.

So, to expand on what Viggo said: try to avoid the mall, especially with Easter coming up: there's always the Easter Bunny in costume. Definitely avoid Chuckie Cheese-- my kids run for comfort whenever that big mouse comes around. Even though they know in their head that it's just someone in costume (we've told them that the real Easter Bunny and Santa are wayyyy too busy to spend time in every mall, and these are just the helpers), their guts tell them that this is not normal and they're scared. You'll probably want to avoid the movies and Blockbuster too-- even if the movie you're interested in is harmless, there's sure to be something scary in sight, or on the coming attractions.

Maybe spend more time in less threatening places: the park (if it ever stops snowing- or it is snowing, get a sled!), out to dinner at McD's or Friendlys, or, best yet: at home, getting to know each other. Do Family Movie Night, and rent a non-threatening movie (Mary Poppins is my favorite) and make some popcorn. Hit Toys R Us, and add some K'nex or jigsaw puzzles to his collection, and the two or three of you work on it together. Invite some of his new classmates over for a small make-your-own-sundae party. Get him a camera(even a cheapy disposable) and go on a nature walk. But put some real thought into the enviornment that he'll be put into.

As far as therapy goes, I think you should have some sort of idea of what to expect from a 9 year old who has been through the trauma your son has. Is there some sort of an adoptive parents group in your area?? Can you get any help from the local agencies?? Or even hit the bookstore or library- I bet you can find some help there.Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like you're taken by surprise by something you should have been warned about-- this doesn't seem like incredibly unexpected behavior for a child who has known no permanence for 9 years. (Of course, I could be totally wrong on any of a number of counts. If so, I apologize.)
I think you should find someone who can tell you what to expect and how to deal with it.

And, for what it's worth, ignore the stares from people who just don't know. Some are ignorant, some are curious, I bet many are sympathetic. And in the long run, who cares?? They're not the one you've taken into your home and your heart; the crying 9 year old is. If he needs comfort and you're able to provide it, ignore the other people.

Let us know how it goes.

Alice replied: I just went to the search engine and typed in "adopting older children". I found 2 sites that may help:

www.olderchildadoption.com

and

www.hannahandhermama.com


Niether one seems to be affiliated with an agency; both look like sites for people who have or are considering adopting older kids. I bet that talking to other moms in similar situations will help you find your way.

(There were more sites, but gymnastics starts in 32 minutes and I've got to get my girls ready and out the door!!)

Good luck!

newadoptiveparent replied: Thank you for the helpful advice. However, it happened again. After I finished reading your posts this morning, I thought the park would be nice, and I decided when my son got home from school, I would take him there. When he got home, he happily agreed and we were off to the park. When we got there, we got out of the car, and he held my hand. We through the park for a bit when my son stopped. He usually does this when he's scared, so I thought Oh Great, and I asked him what was wrong. He said there was a big dog, and it growled at him. I didn't see any. He told me to turn around, and sure enough, there was a doberman tied to a tree growling at a nearby squrriel. The squrriel then ran off in our direction while the dog continued to growl. I think my son must have thought the dog was growling at him so he started to cry. I told him there was nothing wrong, the dog was on a leash and it couldn't hurt him. He didn't believe me. He started clamoring to be picked up. I told him that he was to old to be picked up, but he could hold my hand if he wanted. He shook his head. I told him that he was to heavy to pick up, and that he would hurt mommy's back. He didn't respond, but there were tears streaming down his cheeks. I told him that he was too tall to be picked up, and that it would be hard for mommy to carry him. He stood there, again not doing anything. So I figured just this one last time. My back was hurting today so I bent down and had him bend down to. I told him to put his arms around my neck, and when I tell him to to jump up. I put my arms under his armpits and got ready for one of the biggest lifts that I had done in a while. I counted to three and told him to jump up. Once he was in the air and I was standing up, I drew him close to me and he threw his legs around my waist, and I began to carry him off to the car for us to go home. I am so worried about him. But like you said, since he was only adopted three weeks ago, he needs my protection so hopefully this won't last.

loveydad replied: You are doing a great job. This is hard, for both of you. You could not possibly have known that that dog would be there.
Sounds like he's got some pretty intense fears of dogs. Maybe when he saw the dog you could climb back into the car with him. If he was still okay you could stay and wait. If not, time to leave.

It's very slow going right now because it's new. Sounds like he's been through a real bad past.

I don't know how but as you've said it's getting worst and worst to pick him up. Maybe scope the park when you get there.

I think until he warms up the other ideas that Alice suggested are wonderful. It's cold weather, why not stay inside where it's just you two and work on him getting more comfortable. Maybe ask him if he would like some legos (expensive though the buckets aren't bad) or knex like Alice said and I would really reccomend seeing a therapist- because your son seems to have some things he may need to get out or maybe a therapist can offer some hints.

I'm sure he doesn't want to go through life afraid either. Hope you find someone great to help him.

We're here for you! Your a great mommy!!

Alice replied: I agree with Viggo about seeing a therapist. Ask in school-- I'm sure that the guidance/school psychologist can suggest someone. Again, I'm amazed that this wasn't brought up before you adopted.

And doesn't it just figure: it couldn't be a lab or a collie that was tied up, it had to be a doberman. I have a 60 lb lab, but a doberman would have frightened me, too.

I think you're doing a great job-- searching for answers and trying to help your son. Just don't expect too much too soon- from yourself or from him.
Adoption is a life-altering experience for everyone involved. It's two steps forward, one step back for a while. But he is learning that he can trust you to take care of him and to protect him-- that's got to be the biggest hurdle.

loveydad replied: Also, distraction: maybe if he wants to be held around the house try to distract by saying "would you like to sit on the couch with me/play legoes/help with dinner" ? Something like that might help.

Glad Alice is here to help!

Alice replied: Thanks, but I'm not sure how much help I've been-- my advice sent the poor kid into the jaws of a doberman!!!

But I have adopted, and I feel I was very well prepared for the issues that kids bring with them. One of the social workers running one of the seminars adopted an older child. She said that for the first year or so, he would hoard food. He wasn't used to knowing where his next meal was coming from, and couldn't wrap his head around the idea that it wasn't an issue any longer. It just breaks your heart.


But I have to hand it to you, "newadoptiveparent" for tackling the adoption of an older child. There are so many of them just waiting for a loving home. And they all come with emotional baggage-- I don't think there's any avoiding it. It really bothers me that you weren't better prepared-- you should have been armed with support group and therapist info from the start.

loveydad replied: I have problems with adivising people in situations cause I don't want something to go wrong.

I agree though I wish you'd contacted a therapist sooner.