I just feel awful

coasterqueen wrote: I should have not said anything to DH, I feel awful now.

I talked with DH today (he's in VA) and he informed me that they are definitely keeping him in VA for at least the weekend and a good part of next week. I was upset when he told me this because we are supposed to go see our friends who had a new baby in April in St. Louis this weekend. We haven't seen their baby yet and I was really looking forward to it. Kylie and I were also going to meet in Missouri with some women from a breastfeeding support board. I ended up telling him I was disappointed that he didn't find a way to come home for the weekend and that I was sick of my job suffering because his job always comes first.

I don't know why I said that, but I do feel that way, though. Every time he has to work, I not only have to work, but my job has to be sacrificied in some way so I can be there for Kylie. I don't mind having to leave every day early to pick her up, but how does he expect me to keep my job, if I'm constantly asking my boss for this or that. He never has to do that and I'm getting tired of bearing all that. I know things are hairy at his job right now with all the lay-offs, but he's always been like this.

Does anyone who WOH feel this way sometime. It's like you are expected to work and somehow be there for your family at the drop of a hat. I wish I didn't have to work It's my stupid fault for finding a job that doubled my salary, so now I bring in just as much as DH and we can't afford for me to quit without selling our family land/house.

One of these days my boss is going to say "enough is enough Karen!".

I should not have yelled at him and I know he feels awful he has to work, but why is it the woman always has to it all??????

alice&arik replied: I am sorry you are going through this! I hope things get better for you. But I am the total opposite, I WISH I had a job. I have never been the type to stay home. I used to be always on the go, and a single parent. Somedays I just want to have a little time to myself. But I do enjoy stayin home with Arik to watch him grow.

Jamison'smama replied: I get it and I have said the same thing. I only work part time but not only is my income important but my committment to the work and the clients is important as well. I understand!! I work in the evenings when DH gets home from work and on Saturdays occasionally and I cannot tell you how often I have had to reschedule clients because he had to work late or someting came up. My DH travels only twice a year but when he does I cannot work AT ALL--nothing is set up for daycare and I have more than once lectured DH about committment and responsibility so don't feel too bad--we've all done it.

I hope he gets it! Hugs!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I sympathise with you! I used to work out of the home and it was hard, working and taking care of a family! I honestly don't know how I did it. Don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure your DH understands that you were just upset!

CantWait replied: I know how you feel 100%. Everytime I get a job, I tell them that my dh is in the military and his job comes first. It's always alright with them, until I tell them I can't work this day or that day and so on. HELLO!!!!!! It's not my fault. Don't feel to bad, you have every right to be upset and voice that with him. Just let him know that you're sorry about how you voiced it. I'm sure he'll understand

amynicole21 replied: I know EXACTLY how you feel. Both DH and I work full time, but it is almost always me who ends up calling in sick or leaving early for Sophia's doctor appointments... and she has a lot I keep waiting for the day when my boss says something about it. She's a single mom of 2, but her mom and dad keep the kids so there is never an issue about who can take the boys to the doctor or that they have to stay home from daycare. What I would give for that set up

I think you were right in telling DH how you feel. Sometimes they take it for granted that we are the care givers... If we are expected to share in the financial income, they need to share in the child care - however burdonsome it can be sometimes.

kimberley replied: (((hugs))) Karen. i know how frustrating that can be. don't feel bad for letting it out once in a while. we all do it. i only work one night a week (saturday) and it is one of DH's days off but everytime i leave he gives me that face like i am abandoning him and if she happens to stay up while i am away, she is promptly dumped in my arms before i get my shoes off. us moms have a huge load to carry, but just look at Kylie when you feel frustrated. see how beautiful she is and how worthwhile the stress is. hang in there sweetie.

Guest replied: It's OK that you said the comment if that's how you feel but just as long as you sit down with him and discuss it. It's better to get it off your chest than hold it in. If he loves you, he will understand. And about the job thing, is it possible for you to do a part-time job? My sister was actually going through the same thing and was looking for a part-time job but it was too late, her boss had already told her she missed to many days and was late too many times because of the kids. She is now staying home with her two boys but looking for a part time job and her son's school!!

kit_kats_mom replied: Karen. That is so hard. As women we generally take responsibility for care giving and house stuff (the second shift is what counselors call it) unless it is discussed beforehand. DH and I had that discussion and he is really great. We divvy up the chores and caregiving. it is really hard to have your job come second. I can't even imagine.

Elle replied: I'm sorry you have to go through all that.

jcc64 replied: I can TOTALLY relate, Karen. I have always worked full time, only taking off 10 weeks maternity for each of the kids, and my income has been the bigger one for the better part of our lives together. And yet, I am always the one bending over backwards to accomodate sick kids, drs appts, school plays, teacher conferences, etc. My dh has the luxury of being able to put in a solid 8 hr work day without juggling all the home stuff simultaneously.
Sometimes I have to remind him that if I lose my job, we will have HALF the income we have now. He does get it, however, I do realize that culturally, men don't receive the same understanding from employers about home/work conflicts that women do. It isn't right, but that is the way it is right now. His employer doesn't make it easy for him, kwim? My employer is a working mom herself, and she does get it, but once and awhile, I would love to be able to concentrate on my job like he does.

coasterqueen replied: Thanks everyone. It's not that I think my job is second, it's that I don't understand how DH can't see HOW much I'm stretched thin. KWIM? I honestly don't care two hoots about my job. I'm only at it because we need the money. I never wanted a career. I always wanted to be a SAHM, but I wasn't dealt those cards and that's life. I just want him to understand that he has to give a little too. I mean he is great about going to doc appointments, staying home sick, etc, but when he has to leave town for work, it's like he doesn't understand what that means for me. That means me having to not only work all day but take care of an extremely spirited child and mow 3.5 acres of land, clean a house, make dinner when I don't even cook, get laundry done, etc, etc, etc, etc. He just assumes I'm super woman.

I've tried to find a part-time job, but no luck with what I'm good at, unless you mean working in a mall or something which pays no way near what I make.

Oh well. Just thought I would clarify that I'm not upset my job comes second. I don't think I explained myself very well.

jem0622 replied: DH and me have had this spat. He is home with the boys during the day plus he juggles two PT jobs. I WOH during the day. And there are days when there has been tension b/c he wants to be anal and be to work 15 minutes early and if I am running a few minutes behind I suddenly don't care about his job and think it doesn't matter. We've had lots of talks about it. I do remind him that it is hard for me b/c I carry the benefits for us all and make more so if I lose my job we can't pay the mortgage.

Sometimes we get put in situations as parents and as couples we wish it wasn't so. KWIM? DH and me don't have very much time together and so what we consider quality time and what we do with it has changed considerably. We just remind ourselves that all this hustle and bustle is temporary. We love each other. And that won't ever change.

I think we are all guilty of saying things we wish we hadn't and I think that with care you can readdress it and it's water under the bridge. It is difficult when you are on your own and even if you aren't...it can be lonely.

He will be back soon and you two will have time together. Unfortunately this time we live in is not so friendly to living on one income unless you work opposite schedules like DH and me or if you are fortunate to have a spouse who pulls in enough...or maybe you have just set things up so that you can make it on one income.