I need to get everyone's opinion on something - PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE HELP ME!!!

SOUTHERN MOMMY wrote: O.K. as you know i am preggo and me and dad are not together anymore well i told him this morning and everything went great he has no douts. Well my problem is he wants to get back together My problem is i still and will always love him BUT, I cannot trust him for nothing. yes we would financially be better off if i did this but its not about money to me KWIM? i want to be happy and the best for my kids but i can't take a chance on being cheated on again. Now my question is this IF AND A BIG IF i do this what are somethings you sugest i do to be sure this is right and he is ready to be a one woman man. and what would you require in the future as to trusting him for examole him calling me often from work. I'M A MESS I DON'T WANT TO SCREW UP AGAIN.

mckayleesmom replied: Well...If it was me personally I would require the following

1. Couseling...alone and together
2. He will have no access to money/credit cards..etc besides what I give him or what I authorize to be bought....Other woman don't like broke men...lol
3. To be able to call him at any time
4. Him not working near or with that other woman
5. and soooo soooo sooo much more.

gr33n3y3z replied: Couseling

JAYMESMOM replied: If you love him and would like to reconcile the first thing you have to ask yourself is can you forgive.

If you can't forgive you will never be able to rebuild your marriage and rebuild the trust.

Next marriage counseling.

Then set specific times and days for you guys to date. You will be restarting your relationship.

He will have to re-earn your trust and he needs to be aware of that.

You can call him and he be available.

You have access to the money and know exactly where it is going.

He keep a consistent schedule.

No contact with the other woman. If he is in his office or workplace only contact related to work.

There is a book out there a woman on my other board recommends having dealt with this issue herself. If you would like the info - PM me and I will check with her on the name of the book.

PrairieMom replied: I'm gonna just put my two cents in here.
i grew up in a family with a mother and a father that didn't even sleep in the same room together. The only reason my mom stayed with my dad was for financial reasons.
Sometimes not having a father is better than having one around. I don't know what a loving affectionate relationship looks like. It has made it hard for me in my current relationship to be affectionate.

I say if you are going to get back together, don't do it for the kids. Do it for your self because that is what will make you happy. get counseling and all that good stuff too.

MyLuvBugs replied: I agree with most of the above. I do think that whether or not you decide to get back together or not, you and him need to go to couselling together. You both need to figure out how you're going to work this all out. If you can't forgive him (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't) that's fine, but he is and will always be the father of your children.

You both will need to be adults about the situation. You CAN NOT bad mouth each other or fight in front of your children. If you even think that getting back together might cause that to happen, don't do it!! Seek help. Perhaps date a little, before allowing yourself to get back into this relationship. And don't think that it will happen over night, or that things will be better when the baby comes. You've got a tough road ahead of you.

We'll all be here if you need to talk.

Celestrina replied: Look into your heart and see if you can trust him again. Do you think he will honor your relationship or will you be questioning everything he does? Since you already have children with him you cannot assume that the new baby will inspire him not to cheat again. Sorry for being so negative.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied:
ITA with Brianne. When it was me, I also watched as he deleted her name and phone number and address and e-mail from every computer/phone he owns. I called at work, on the work line. I called his cell phone, and IF I allowed him to go out, I sometimes drove by where he was supposed to be to see his car. If he was at a friend's house, I had to have the number and I could call at any time. He was allowed to talk to her only when I was in the room and only because she was pg. Once she lost the baby, all contact ceased.
All that said, this isn't easy and I still have trust issues, 2 years later. In fact, I am not sure if I would do it over the same way. But I do have Logan because I took him back. I got pg after. There is much to think of, and I agree that you need to think of your future happiness and your kids. Not just money. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk one on one.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I would want to hear him say "I will never cheat again. It was a huge mistake. I want to change and be a better person for myself, for you and for my kids". Getting back together just because you're PG wouldn't be enough for me. I would suggest individual counseling for your DH so that he can work through why he cheated (sortof like a 12 step for cheaters if there is such a thing) and then couples counseling as well. I would have a REALLY hard time trusting again and I agree with you, money is not the deciding factor. I think you can do it on your own if you really want too, but I feel that you would need to really make a strong effort to move on and not have him float in and out of your life whenever convenient for him, kwim? He can visit the kids, but there would have to be a lot of limitations. It's a tough call.

Good luck with whatever you decide! We're here for you!

C&K*s Mommie replied: I cannot trump what any of the other ladies have said... they all have great points. But there is a website that gives support (much like this one) but it is all anonymous, if you so choose to remain so. It is a website geared towards wayward hearted men/women and the ones that have been cheated on. It also has a place to let othersread your your reconciliation stories, and general discussions, as well as inspirational thoughts to help you through this time. Every now and again I will venture back to this place, to add another piece to the story of us (me and DH)- it is called survivinginfidelity

HTH --

SOUTHERN MOMMY replied: WOW you all haven brought a lot to the table for me. I feel if this happens it will be a long process for example why would i let him just walse back in before i know he is senesre(sp?) when we can date like we did before the marrige and when or if i ever begain to trust again then we will take another step and then another. Counceling is #1 on my mind. I came to the conclusion months ago that it was him that cheated and betrayed not only me but the kids as well so now i feel i need to step aside and see just how hard he works to fix the problem he created. In my mind and heart i can't imagine ever fully trusting again and i'm hoping it will come with time and seeing how he does. This baby will in no way have a factor in my desision nor will my 2 boys because i will never live with someone for anyone else. It may sound wrong to say but in the end they have both of us regardless if it is in the same house or not. Once again thanks for the insite this is one time i really needed it.

CantWait replied: All the ladies had great suggestions. Just remember, your baby can still have a daddy, and be financially sucure with dad's money regardless if you're together or not. I will say, if you can't forgive AND forget, don't get back into the relationship. Good luck.