I saw my uncle for the 1st time since Sept. - it was really hard

coasterqueen wrote: Some of you might remember my aunt that committed suicide back in September and everything that had to do with my uncle...well I saw him for the 1st time today since my aunt's funeral. It was VERY VERY hard. I was completely caught off guard too. My parents were having a family gathering and we had all planned to go but with Megan sick Kylie and I just stopped by for a bit. I had to go back home to feed Megan and Kylie wanted to stay. When I got done feeding Megan Ryan wanted me to go run an errand in town for him so I stopped by my parents just to make sure Kylie was still ok there w/o me. When I walked in the door, there was my uncle. I had no idea he was going to be there. Oddly enough just a few hours before that when I was there the first time the rest of the family and I were talking about our feelings of him and the whole situation with my aunt's death. Anyways, I walked in and didn't know what to say. He didn't say anything to me, so I went and checked on Kylie and left. I thought I'd be able to say something to him when I came back to pick up Kylie but my errand lasted longer than i thought and he was gone by the time I got back

Seeing him brought back a lot of horrible memories and that along with the fact that my parents told me he plans to remarry already this year.....I'm just not sitting well with all of this.

CantWait replied: Sorry

C&K*s Mommie replied: 's to you, Karen. I think I would be with you on that, you want to say something but you do not know what. ((I do not know the full story from Sept, so please excuse me if that was out of line )) But just from what you wrote tonight, I am not so sure I would be prepared to say something, either. 's to you!

A&A'smommy replied: OMG I can't amagine I would be pretty upset too!!!!

kayla's mama replied: Sorry I would be pretty upset too

fashionmumofboys replied: I would have been upset to. That's a hard situation especially when all the memories start flowing in your mind.

CAMSMOM1 replied: In high school one of my close friend, since Kindergarten, committed suicide. It was a huge shock to all of us, since we had no idea he was having problems. He was always the life of the party, very popular, we had no idea that was coming.
I remember running into his Mom, (she has known me since I was little) and I didn't know what to say either. Seeing her just brought back all the horrible memories, and I wanted to just break down crying when I saw her face. Instead, I held it together and asked her how she was doing. The funny thing was, she was the one comforting me and giving me reassurance. We talked for awhile, and she had invited me over to her house. I felt like I needed to, and so I went. She showed me pictures of Kurt, from when he was a baby. We sat reminicing, and sharing stories. She really enjoyed my company, and I really enjoyed hers. It was healing for both of us to talk. She really needed someone to listen to her. Of course I didn't have the "right" words to tell her. But just having me there, giving her a hug, and a listening ear was what she needed. And it helped me in the healing process as well.
My advice for you is to send your uncle a card. tell him that you are sorry for not being able to talk to him at the party, and that you have been thinking about him, you want him to know that you are there for him. Sending a thoughtful card is a good way to start.
I'm sorry that you had such a rough day. It's been 8 years since my friends suicide, and it's still painful. But it does get better. And the more I talked about it, the easier it was for me to heal.
If you need someone to talk to, please PM me.
Ann

3_call_me_mama replied: HUGS!! Karen that must be so hard on you. Hang in there.

jcc64 replied: Please forgive me, Karen, but I don't recall what the situation was pertaining to your uncle. I do remember your aunt's death, but I can't remember what the story was with your uncle. Was he involved with someone else before your aunt's death? Is that why you're feeling so uncomfortable around him, or is it just the death itself that is making it difficult to approach him?

3xsthefun replied: I'm sorry

coasterqueen replied:
No problem Jeanne. WE don't actually know the whole story, unfortunately. All I know is he had been having affairs their entire marriage of 25+ years. She found out about them later but decided to stick by him. She thought she could make the marriage work. They both were EXTREMELY religious people so she stood by him because she made a promise before God to do so and well, I don't understand his actions whatsoever. I idolized him my entire life. Anyways, she tried to commit suicide several times, was hospitalized for depression, etc etc. We only knew of one instance of hospitalization and the entire family (my aunt/dad is a family of 13 children plus tons of grandchildrend) traveled 2+ hours to stay there and visit with her almost every day for her entire stay (this was years ago). We never heard about the other hospitalizations or the attempts at suicide. The day she took her life they had gotten into an argument, she got out of the moving car (going slow) and took off. He tried for a bit to find her, then gave up. She took her life in the basement of their home and was found the next morning.

We were not given the privy of her autopsy reports and the funeral service was constructed so our entire family was isolated and not very much apart of it. ThHey come from an extremely small town and they were the COUPLE of the town, so of course everyone was on his side. That was obvious at the funeral.

Anyways, we firmly believe if we would have known of the issues we could have gotten her help. She was so isolated from her family, we know if we were there we could have shown her how much we love her and we could have helped her through this.

We also found out just a after Christmas that there were letters for us all that she had written before she took her life (apparently they must have been from a previous attempt because she wouldn't have had that much time this last time). The letters somehow disappeared. This really crushed me because there was one for me apparently and I needed that letter. I NEED that letter to rest on this. I just can't seem to go on with all my thoughts in my head. I also got the unfortunate privy of getting explicit detail of how she took her life, how she was found, etc. This was very hard for me and images won't leave my mind forever I think. Oh and we also found out right after Christmas (from him) that he's getting remarried w/in the year.

So needless to say when I saw him yesterday I was frozen to the bone. I couldn't say anything and my feelings were raging all over the board. He said nothing back to me either. Unfortunately that little visit brought back too many painful memories.

I had a hard time at the funeral because I didn't know a lot at the time and I wasn't for sure whether to love him or hate him. I spent many summers with my aunt and uncle so I was very close to them. He whispered some things in my ear at the funeral that made me question if I should or should not love him. I told him that day I wanted him to be a part of my life still but I'm so angry for saying that because I'm not sure what I want.

Well, more than you wanted to know but I have so much thought in my head I can't see straight. I thought I had let SOME of this go, but just seeing him made me realize I feel no less pain or emotion than the day I found out she took her life.

It has made me question religion, my faith, and who I should love. In some ways it has made me feel I can't forgive and forget anything anymore.

jcc64 replied: Oh Karen, I'm so sorry about all of that. Death and loss is difficult enough when everyone's "house is in order", but when there are all these secrets and untended wounds, it's nearly impossible to grieve through the pain. I can certainly understand your feelings of hostility toward your uncle, as well as the regret at not being able to reach your aunt before it was too late. However, as much as you and your family loved and wanted to care for your aunt, the will to live could only have come from within her. Sometimes, depression makes it nearly impossible to see clearly that there is ALWAYS a reason to go on, always something to live for. I'm trying to tell you that while it may have made your grieving easier to have had the opportunity to say all of the things you wanted to her, it unfortunately probably wouldn't have changed the outcome. I suppose her religious beliefs constrained her from being more forthcoming about her husband's betrayals, although I find it curious that it didn't prevent him from commiting them in the first place. I can see how the hypocrasy of the situation is eating at you, but try to redirect your anger toward a more positive place. Being angry and bitter is natural, but it isn't a good place to park your car long term, so to speak. If you can, I would try to focus on being there for her surviving family members who may need your love and support- your parents, her children, etc. That would undoubtedly be the best way to honor her memory.
Apparently, your uncle has already found a way to comfort himself, and has moved on. While you may mourn for what you once had with him, I would say for now it's best to keep your distance- for your sake and his. Again, I'm so sorry.

Kaitlin'smom replied: I am so sorry Karen

DansMom replied: that is rough.

remtana replied: I am so sorry that you are going through this. All those emotions can be rough on a person.

Angela