I'm so sorry to be a downer
coasterqueen wrote: but I just really need to write this down to someone.  My dad came home late last night from my aunts and called me this morning to ask if he could have Kylie for the day. He said they were going back up to my aunt's house and wanted to take Kylie so she could play with her cousin to relieve my other aunt a bit. I broke down on the phone (after I promised I wouldn't) and the conclusion was that we'd all go up there, girls and all. My dad bawled on the phone and my father is the type of man to NOT show any emotion so it was very hard for me.
We spent the entire day up there, just got home a bit ago. It was surreal (sp?) because no one would go in the house (the police finally gave us the ok today that we could go in). Everyone sat out in the garage all day long in 100 degree heat. People were lined up for blocks and brought food and fans and offered us all a place to spend the night, etc. My aunt and uncle lived in a very small town so you could understand the wealth of support you would get. My dad and a few others took care of most of the funeral arrangements while we were there. My uncle and all his family was there so it made things hard. My aunt, me and our four girls (two of them are hers) had to break down and go in the house because the kids were baking as you could imagine. It was so awful being in there. I went out side once and threw up across the street behind our van because the thoughts were just racing through my head.
My cousin (my aunt's son) ...his wife sat and talked with me and gave me a lot of detail as to what all happened. They are newly married and she's pretty naive because I don't think she should have told me all she did. Hard ot explain But apparently my aunt tried to commit suicide before because my uncle wanted a divorce and well something, we still don't know what but something happened Friday to make her decide to kill herself. He wanted a divorce, he was seeing another woman and the house was up for sell. I was told exactly where she was found, how she was found, etc. ......I went outside and threw up again.
It looks like from what I gather that my uncle was not physically apart of her death, but in many ways he played a part I guess. There is a lot of angry people in my family right now. Tension is running high. This unfortunately looks like it's going to tear my family apart because some of my dad's brothers knew things that my dad thinks if they hadn't kept it from him that he could have saved her life. I almost think he's right. I'm so scared how the next few days are going to go.
We came home so we can wrap things up at work tomorrow. But we'll be headed back up there on Tuesday and won't be back til late Wednesday night. My dad and I talked a lot and had a very much needed heart to heart and decided that all of our unanswered questions will have to wait til after the funeral. But I think all heck is going to break loose after that.
My aunt and uncle were the epitomy (sp?) of the perfect marriage with the perfect family and the strongest religious core of family I have or anyone would ever imagine. It has made me question so much in my life and in life in general. Suicide just leaves so many questions and I'm so sad, angry, so many emotions I just can't seem to handle it all.
We get the autopsy results back tomorrow afternoon (late afternoon) but we all think they are going to tell us she took my uncles bp meds. The way they found her, she didn't want to be found.
I'm so sorry I'm telling you all this. I'm just having a really hard time dealing with this and can't even imagine what my two cousins are going through right now. I just feel like I can't cope with this feelings I'm feeling and I just needed to write it down. Thank goodness my Dh has let me get out all my feelings/questions but it's so hard to deal with them when they can't be answered. Anyways, I'll be on tomorrow at work because I just don't see how I'm going to make it through a work day when we we haven't laid her to rest yet. I'd stay home but I don't have the time to take off. So posting here tomorow will help my day go fast and keep my mind off of things.
Thank you all for being so supportive. You are all such wonderful people and it means so much to me to have you here. I might now know you IRL but the love and support this community gives to one another is more than I could imagine and I thank each and every one of you for that.
mummy2girls replied: Oh hun i am so sorry! I wisdh i new what to say to help you get throught this. I just wanted to send you some prayers and hugs(((HUGS))))
mammag replied: Karen, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It just all sounds so hard. It's a lot to go through. I'm glad we can help you even if it's just getting out your feelings. I was just wondering if you are talking to anyone professionally or plan to. I can only imagine all the thoughts going on in your head and maybe they could help you work through them.
My continued prayers for you and your family. HUGS!!!!
kimberley replied: Karen, i wish i could take away this pain for you. please don't apologizing for sharing with us, that is what we are here for... to listen. many p&pt continue your way and to your family. i hope you and your dad can somehow find peace in this tragedy one day. 
moped replied: It is a very sad situation and I really don't know what to say except that I am thinking of you and your family.............................Lots of prayers for you all.
Sorry
A&A'smommy replied: OH Karen I am SOOO sorry that you are going through all this right now, I can't even amagine!! (((((BIG HUGS))))) And LOTS of P&PT'S!!!
mckayleesmom replied: You talk away sweetie. Big hugs to you . I think it helps to talk to people that are not a part of the situation. I just want to come hug you.
SOUTHERN MOMMY replied: God bless you hun I have no idea what to say except I'll be praying a lot for you
TLCDad replied: Oh Karen, please no need to appologize for anything. This is what we are all here for. You and your family will be in my prayers.
CCTandME replied: sorry, I'm not good w/ words. My heart goes out to you and your family.
amymom replied: Prayers and support go out to you and your family.
--Anne
Kaitlin'smom replied: I am so sorry Akrens I will be thinking of you and your family often, dont appoligise thats one thing we are hear for, ((BIG HUGS))
try and get some rest
5littleladies replied: Don't apologize Karen, that's what we're here for. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.
gr33n3y3z replied: Talk away Karen its the best thing for you
Hugs and prayers for your family
Will be thinking of you and your family
mommy_loves_chase replied: all i can really say is that i know what your going through and have been thru it myself, hang in there. My prayers are with you
Sarah&Mackenzie replied: Karen I will pray for you and your family and hope that everything will eventually work out and you can return to some normalcy. Prayers and Hugs!!!
kit_kats_mom replied: Karen, I just don't know what to say. What a sad time for your entire family. I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you. 
Maddie&EthansMom replied: Prayers going out to you and your family right now.
DansMom replied:
Karen, that is heartbreaking and unimaginable
Mommy2BAK replied: so sorry to hear all of this Karen. But never hesitate to come her for support. We all love you!
Insanemomof3 replied: Karen, I hope you are doing ok today. If you need anything, let me know. You are in my thoughts.
ions_momma replied: Karen, I will definatly keep you and your family in my prayers! I know this is a defficult situation for oyu, but just remember, we are all here for you anytime you need to talk!
~Roo'sMama~ replied:
JAYMESMOM replied: I am so sorry to hear all this. I don't know if you had previously posted any information. I have been so busy that I haven't been on much. Prayers for your family and for you as you deal with this tough time.
I hope you get thru today okay and can go home and be with your dad.
mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Karen, you and your family are in my thoughts through this difficult time.
3_call_me_mama replied: No need to apologize to us. We are your friends, hear to support you, hear you out adn give you an dear adn shoulder. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as is your family. Hopefully youad your family will have some peace soon, although the answers may not be easy you will be able to heal once you have found them. Take care of yourself adn your beautiful childrne adn family:)
My2Beauties replied: Karen I didn't know what had happened until I read this post, I didn't see any previous posts as I have been MIA this weekend. Please don't apologize to anyone, we are here for you and always here to listen! P&PT's to you and your family and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. If you need anything please let us know. Again I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can get some of the answers you need hon! We are here for you
MommyToAshley replied: Karen
I just read your other posts from the weekend and got caught up on what's been happening. I am so sorry! Please don't apologize, I am glad that you feel you can talk to us. I wish I lived close ... I'd come watch the girls, share a box of kleenex, be a shoulder to cry on, whatever you needed.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know if we can do anything.
aspenblue1 replied: Karen, I am so sorry you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
redchief replied: No need to apologize. Our prayers remain with you.
Kirstenmumof3 replied: OH Karen, I'm so sorry that you and your family are dealing with all of this right now. I'm sorry I just found out today, I haven't been around in a while. I'm so sorry to hear about your Aunt. She must have been in a lot of pain. What she did I'm sure was to escape all that pain she was in. Never doubt how much your Aunt loved her children and her family. I wish there was something I could do for you. If you are finding that this is too difficult for you, please talk to someone professionally. Sending you my love and support!
mom21kid2dogs replied: {{{HUGS}}}I'm so sorry for you and your entire family. Suicide in particular is such a hard thing for survivors to recover from. Give yourself plenty of time to work through it all because, believe me, you'll need time and all the friends you can get!! Vent anytime you need to!!
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