In-law vent - wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

jcc64 wrote: As some of you may know, dh is first-generation Korean, though since he's been here since 2nd grade, he's so Americanized you'd never know he wasn't born here. Not so with his parents, who still barely speak English and ferociously cling to their old ways. I am fine with that- happy for them that they have a vibrant, Korean community to keep the connection to their culture alive and well. Unfortunately, there is a flip-side. Koreans don't save for retirement, apparently. They expect that their oldest born son will fully support them when they no longer work. Well, that was never really discussed outright- nothing ever is in dh's family- but now they've both stopped working and guess who's supposed to pick up the tab??? Philosophically, I don't have a problem with it. I think families have an obligation to their elders, but on a practical level, I don't have a clue where this money is going to come from. I have 3 kids to put through college, I'm in college myself, and then there's the matter of funding our own retirement. We're living hand to mouth, with a very substantial debt burden. Ughhhhhh! I'm not looking for advice- just venting, I guess.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I will scream with you today-for different reasons-but I will scream none the less!

Teesa®© replied:

Vent away

Crystalina replied: I don't blame you for venting. That is not something to be taken lightly. I also believe that we owe so much to the elders of the family but to owe and "have" is one thing. It's hard for everyone right now and having two extra mouths to feed is not an easy thing.

lisar replied:

I dont understand why they would do this, but will over support.

luvbug00 replied: my bff fiance is korean and she told me about this and i told her to think LONG and HARD about marrying him because aside from their many other issues this may send them over the edge as a coupple later.

mom21kid2dogs replied:

It must really be an ingrained Asian cultural idea. There was a very tragic accident last winter involving several Japanese students in Northern Ohio and they were all killed. Many were the only sons in the family and I remember reading the parent interviews and several saying they will live a life of destitution now in Japan as they expected their sons to come here, get good educations and support them. One family had no means to get their son's remains back home. I really hadn't heard of the cultural twist 'til then.

Crystalina replied:
So unless the oldest son is very wealthy they are born only to provide for their parents? Why do any of them get married and bring children into the world if they know this is what is expected? If the parents have a mortgage and all everyday expenses that can get real pricey.

I hope when Kate married John he wasn't the oldest. (John & Kate plus 8). Could you imagine.

A&A'smommy replied:

My2Beauties replied: Oy! I feel for you girl!

jcc64 replied: What drives me nuts is that my in-laws did VERY well in the 80's. They worked their behinds off, achieved the American dream in spades, bought the million dollar golf course home, 2 Mercedes, w/e's in Atlantic City, the Rolex watches, and so on. But they got carried away with the consumption, and wound up foreclosing on the home and now basically are penniless. Why they couldn't have put some away for retirement while they had it, instead of spending it all on useless crap........

luvmykids replied:
Yeah, that would make it a bigger pill to swallow

It's a beautiful theory, and I think most people would be happy to do that for their parents....IF they were in a position to do so.

Aaaaah, the things that could be avoided with a little talking

kit_kats_mom replied: I hear you sister. We are in a similar situation with my FIL except he's not Asian. He's just a loser who refuses to work for anything over immediate necessities. We will have to take care of him when he can't do for himself anymore. Luckily, our house is not large enough for another full time body so we've already discussed getting him a mobile home in the next little town. The only saving grace for us is that he's a vet so at least his medical will be taken care of. I'm not heartless and I have no problem with taking him meals, helping clean and driving him to appointments. I'll sacrifice some of my time but I'm not sacrificing my childrens education or my future just because he failed to plan.

HuskerMom replied:

MommyToAshley replied: I had never heard of this part of their culture. It sounds odd to many of us, but if it were part of our culture and the way we were brought up, I doubt many of us would be questioning it.

With that being said, I'd still be upset. I can understand wanting to follow their cultural beliefs, but I'd be a bit upset because they have been living in the U.S. for quite some time, had plenty of money and squandered it away. I would have a hard time sacrificing a college education for my child for someone that lived so carelessly.

Just curious -- In what way are you expected to support them? Are you expect to pay their lavish lifestyle, or would they move in with you?

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well thank goodness we don't' have to do this. I can't handle my in laws. I can't imagine being responsible for their bills and food etc. You know we raise our children to be independent, I can't imagine us not being independent of our kids.

Bless your heart!!

kimberley replied: do they not realize in America that is virtually impossible to do unless you are both making 6 figures or come live with you? has dh suggested they move back to Korea? i know a lot of our filipino family moves back as they age because it is far cheaper to support someone there than here and most of them want to be buried home anyways.

sorry for your dilemma.

paradisemommy replied: oh the old school way of thinking..it's very much an asian thing - my mom (taiwanese) was raised where when a son/daughter gets married they actually take their mom and dad with them on the honeymoon - all expenses paid and then continue to support them as a "thank you for bringing me into this world and raising me"..absolutely crazy (in my opinion). i think it was different for us because my mom's mom died when she was really young and then her dad always lived in taiwan and is now deceased also. my dad is WONDERFUL with his money and finances so i don't have to worry about him/them but should something happen, i'll probably see if she would want to spend part of the year with us..

sorry for getting sidetracked there - i just want to give you some support - it's frustrating beyond words the ways of their thinking...

Sam & Abby's Mom replied: I'm sorry. Its a very difficult situation - that's for sure

jcc64 replied: To answer your question, Dee Dee, traditionally they would move into our home, but that is completely out of the question for them for many reasons, not the least of which is that our home is not big- we are maxxed out- there would be nowhere for them to sleep. Even if there were, however, I don't see them coming up here. We live in the country- there is no Asian community to speak of, no Asian grocery stores, etc.. His mother doesn't drive- she'd be stuck here 24/7 with people who don't speak the language. I think the plan is for them to get a small apartment where they are, and for us to deposit a set amount in their bank account every month. They're going to get what they get, so they'll have to figure out how to live within OUR means.
This whole thing is driving my own mother nuts, particularly since she's been so diligent about planning for her own retirement, and mainly because we owe HER a significant amount of money. Ugh! Thanks all for listening!

Celestrina replied: I just want to give you a little warning of what might happen; the same thing happened with my friend. When the parents were told they would have to support themselves, guess who was blamed. Since she was not Japanese they weren't happy with the marriage to begin with.