In need of advice - Bf's baby died

jcc64 wrote: Hi guys-
I wish I was not sharing such sad news to start off the New Year, but life is like that sometimes.
My best friend suddenly and unexpectedly lost her baby at 38.5 wks gestation. She hadn't felt any movement for a few hours, called her ob who instructed her to come into the hospital. They couldn't find a heartbeat, ran many tests and after a definitive u/s, delivered the devastating news that her baby is gone. She is being induced now, and will labor through the night to deliver her stillborn baby boy Jamel.
My question to those of you who have experienced these kinds of losses- what sort of gestures were most helpful to you? She has said that she wants to be alone and doesn't want to talk to anyone. I want her to know that she is loved and cared for, but I want to respect her wishes. Any advice, suggestions, etc, would be much appreciated.

gr33n3y3z replied: I just wanted to give you a
and prayers for your best friend and her family

mckayleesmom replied: A lady at my husbands office had that happen to her a few years ago...She was in the same state of mind as your friend...I went to the store and got her a really pretty plant and a sympathy card....I didn't know her well. Later I ran into her at a party and she thanked me and said she still had and loved the plant and it gave her something to remind her of what they lost...in a good way.

You could always do something like that for her...a plant or a rosebush to memorialize her baby and a card with a note saying that you will respect her wishes, but not to forget that you are her friend and when she is ready...you are there with open arms.

CantWait replied: I'm so sorry to hear of your friends loss. I've never been in that situation, so I have no advice, but I did want to offer my hugs and prayers.

mom2my2cuties replied: I agree with Brianne, that something to memoralized thier loss would be a great gesture. As well as helping with little things, dropping off meals, quickly, quietly and without fuss, just drop it off and leave, and with each one a card letting them know they are in your thoughts.

I haven't ever experienced a loss like this, however my mom did. Only her child passed during labor. Her water broke and she didn't know it, thought she wet herself and ignored it, baby lost all it's fluid and the cord wrapped around his neck and strangled him during delivery. My mom however, shortly there after had a nervous breakdown.

Does your friend have any other children? If so, maybe you could take them for a few days or a week or so while she tries to cope. I can't imagine that it would be easy to cope with the loss of a baby as well as take care of other children.

Also, what about doing errands for her?

TANNER'S MOM replied: I don't know what to say or do..but my thoughts are with you all!!!!

amynicole21 replied: That is so unbearably sad. I can't even imagine what they are feeling now. I would agree with sending her a card letting her know that you are there when she needs you but will respect her wishes to be alone for a while. I think that dropping off meals might be a nice gesture also, though I can't imagine she would want to eat much.

kit_kats_mom replied: That is about the worst thing I can think of. How sad. I would probably not bother with getting anything. A friendship and help dealing with her pain is all she really needs right now. Maybe just ask if there is anything you can do, help with memorial arrangements etc, offer your sympathies and your ear at any time. Be honest. I never know what to say in those types of situations because I've never been there but I've found that the few friends I've had who have gone through losses, have appreciated my honesty.

I'd just tell her that you understand her need to withdraw and grieve but when she's ready to talk, vent, rage whatever, to call you and you will be there to listen.

I'll keep her and her family in my thoughts.

lisar replied: I have never been in the situation just wanted ot give you a

Boys r us replied: OMG..I cannot even imagine! Your friend will certianly be in my thoughts!
I'm not sure what advice to give you...I hope that you are able to find some way to help her on will surely be a long journey to find some sort of peace!

C&K*s Mommie replied: I have never been in a similiar situation, but my MIL had. However, I would simply say to stay on the sidelines as a dear friend. When she is ready to come out then she will, until than I would stay near as a friend, but do what you can around her home (kids, cleaning) so that when she is ready to talk/vent she will not have added stress on her mind.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: That has got to be the hardest thing to go through. I'm so sorry for your friend and I will be praying for her to get through this.

One of my best friends lost her baby in her second trimester. I didn't know her at the time, but we have talked about it many, many times. When it happened she didn't want to talk to anyone but her husband, kids, mother and best friend. She avoided all phone calls from her in-laws and siblings. She just didn't want to discuss it and replay it in her mind. And yet there are times when she talks about it as if she holds a grudge against these people whom she avoided, by saying they weren't there for her and didn't do anything for her. It's probably a mixture of hormones and grieving. I can't imagine ever going thru something so painful. Nobody ever knows what to say or do. If your friend doesn't want to answer the phone I think a card would be nice or if she has a family meals would be helpful. I know my friend mentioned that the neighbors didn't bring in meals or anything for her. In whatever way she will allow just let her know you love her and are there for her.

I'm sorry, Jeanne.

redchief replied: First of all, I must say I'm sorry for the lifelong loss your friend is having to deal with. I don't know that memorializing the child's loss is such a great idea, at least at this point. Much will depend on where your friend goes emotionally from here. I do agree that little things such as making and leaving meals, listening without judging (that part will get tough as she moves into the anger and bargaining parts of the grief cycle), and just letting her know you're aware of her loss and are there for her to lean on are best. Again, I'm sorry to hear of your friend's loss, but I'm sure having you as a friend will help her deal with her loss and find hope in the future.

luvmykids replied: I can't imagine such a terrible loss. Everyone else before me has said it well, just let her know you respect her wishes and check on her periodically...many people suffering a loss feel "forgotten" and as thought everyone else has moved on so I think just touching base with her here and there will go a long way to her opening up when she's ready. Many thoughts and prayers for her family.

hawkshoe replied: I have know two people with similar stories. The best advice I can give you is that that baby is her child and needs to be remembered. Don't be afraid to talk about the baby. Both of the women I knew were able to hold their children and they died shortly after birth. Each took pictures of their child and share that picture.

If you would like to get her something, I would suggest buying a really pretty box for her to put some momentos or something to memorialize the child.

The best thing you can do is not avoid her but be there for her, even if you just sit silent and let her cry.

amymom replied: My thoughts are with her at this difficult time. I think the advice you have gotten above is all good.

jem0622 replied: I had a second trimester loss, and it was hard. Thank goodness for my boys. If I didn't have them, then I surely would have had an even harder time. I just attended a memorial service for a friend who lost her little girl at 25 wks.

There are many thoughtful things that you can do...buy a small figurine or have a mass said for the child. Send flowers. Buy her a spa certificate. Make some hot meals that can easily be heated and drop them buy. Buy a rose bush or tree to be planted in a memorial garden. Most important of all, let her know that she is very much loved and many prayers are being said for her.

We all lit candles here for my friend after the loss of her daughter.

I adore this picture and I think she would treasure it forever.

Many P&PT and strength to your friend.

3xsthefun replied: I'm so sorry for your friends loss. I wish I had some advice but I have never been in this kind of situation before.

I believe that some of the others have given you some good advice.

kristy-n-chad replied: When my son died, I appreciated all the help I got. The meals were great, bc the last thing I felt like doing was cooking. Drop off some groceries, offer to walk the dog or run errands. And I love the idea of a memorial gift. Maybe a necklace with his name and date on it. I know one worry I had when Asa passed was that people would think I was overreacting. After all, he was never alive, right? Wrong!! Something with his name on it would show her that you acknowledge that whether Lord took him before or after birth, he is her son, he did exist, he does have a name, and his loss is very real.

Another great idea would be a Bible. That is where I found all of my comfort and strength.

Good luck.

mummy2girls replied: well i went through as you know losses... My advice.... The first slittle while after she gives birth to her angel if she wants to be left alone then leave her. I know you want to be there for her and that is awesome! Just let her know trhat you will be here for her and when she is ready to talk then you will listen. the first few days to weeks after being left alone is all you want. Dont push her because she will resnt everything and everyone in sight! She will come around. all you can do is just listen to her. and as the shock starts to wear off she will need someone for sure. right now she is in shock. it took me a good few weeks to let go fo the shock and let myself grieve!

as a gesture when she is ready to talk is to give her soemthing is remeberance of her baby! maby a beautiful plant/bush she can plant in honor of her child... and a nice plaque to lay by the plant with her sons name on it.

She is goign to lash out and say things so if she does please dont take it to heart, she is hurting and does not know how to handle it and sometimes the only way is in negative ways. and please dont say he is in a better place, this is gods choice, he is happier now etc etc. those are the most hurtful things to hear after the loss of a child. I heard it many times and i hated it! I was so mad when i did hear it because to me they are better and ahppier in my arms. and to say its gids will or choice or he had reasons can make her even more angry at God.

((((HUGS))))

jcc64 replied: Thank you all for some very good advice. I plan to get her a mosaic garden stone kit that she can make with her other kids and put in her garden to mark her son's presence in their home. She will be burying him in our town cemetery at the foot of his grandparent's plot in a few days.
I just picked her up from the hospital. It killed me to see her walk out with that little box full of momentos instead of her little baby boy. She is understandably devastated. I have been keeping house for her and organizing meals, etc. and it's been great for us to be together- lots of tears and gallows humor. My poor dear friend.
Again, thanks for all of your support and well wishes.

sparkys2boys replied: I am so sorry to hear of your friends loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you all during this very diffucult time. All you can really do is be there for her when she needs you, and at some piint ans time she will. Right now I am sure she is just so lost that she cannot think correctly and that's causing her to want to be left alone. for you both

mom2my2cuties replied: Also, something that i just thought of.

Your friend is going to need someone to run interference. If she wants to be alone, she is going to need someone there to blockade the swarm of "I'm sorries" for her. She probably doesn't want to be around that many people right now. She will more than likely, cling to those who she is closest too.

Crystalina replied: I'm not trying to put down anyone elses suggestions but I would NOT give her any food. I think giving food is better if it is an elderly person who has died or even it the death was expected. When my niece died people flooded the house with food and nobody wanted to eat anything at all. Then the food would go to waste and you have to return plates, pots and bowls to whoever they belong to.

I would go towards a nice locket with the childs name on it or something like that. I bet giving her something (anything) right now is not what she wants anyway. She probably does want to be left alone, I know I would. Maybe just give her some space...a few days to deal with her grief...and then start moving in as a friend. kwim? She probably doesn't want anything except her baby. Just give her love and support and with time you will run across something to give her I'm sure.

That is so terrible. I'm sorry.

holley79 replied: I don't have experience in this field but I just wanted to offer to you and many prayers for your friend.

cameragirl21 replied: in Judaism we plant a tree to honor a life lost, i think it's a very powerful symbol because the tree will remain long after we all are gone and it gives oxygen and feeds the earth....

MommyToAshley replied: I haven't read the other responses as I am getting ready to head out the door. I am sure you've already received some great advice so I will only share my personal experience.

As you know, we lost a child before Ashley. I also went through labor knowing that Joshua would be stillborn. It is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever had to deal with. It's not something you get over, I think you just learn to live with it. I will be honest, I don't think there is anything you can say or do to make it better. In fact, just about anything you or anyone else says may make her mad. And, don't be hurt if she pushes you away.. it is not personal. I wanted to be left alone as well, but then there were times when I got angry because everyone avoided talking about Joshua. I felt like everyone had forgotten about him.

I would just take the lead from your friend... if she wants to be left alone then give her some space. I would give her a little space, but don't abandon her. I think a card or phone call letting her know that you are there when she wants to talk is a wonderful gesture. I wouldn't avoid the subject because there will come a time when she may want to and it will be beneficial for her to talk.

I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

DansMom replied: Oh Jeanne, that is horrible---I'm so sorry for your friend. Dee Dee's advice resonates with me. The help with housework and meals must be the best kind of help right now---and shows that you are there, available.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I'm so sorry Jeanne. My sister's SIL has lost two children, one stillborn and one at 9 months. I don't live in the same town, but my sister said the best thing to do is to not "forget" about the baby. Talking about him/her actually helped. It's when people say things like "well you can always have another one" or "maybe it was meant to be" or "it's time to move on" that hurt her the most. Even after several years, I know that my sister's SIL wanted people to remember her children in a positive light (not just their deaths). I know you would never say those things, but people don't know what to say sometimes. Talk about the baby with her...don't make it seem like you are trying to get her to forget. Does that make sense? I'm so sorry...it's so very hard.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Oh Jeanne-I am so sorry! I went through this with my best friend-we were due 3 days apart-it is hard still! I never knew what to say and I still do not! I would say just being there probably does more good than you will ever know! My heart goes out to her and you!

mummy2girls replied:
its been almost 8 years and hearing these words hurt alot!!!!!!!!!!