Interesting question about rape - what would you do??

mckayleesmom wrote: This question was raised on another board I go to. The question was, What would you and your husband decide to do if you were raped and became pregnant as a result? There was also a second part of the question that isn't in the poll. If your rapist was captured and prosecuted, would you seek child support if you chose to keep the baby?

Now, if you don't feel comfortable answering the question..you can just vote.


When I first read the question on that board...I didn't hesitate with my answer. I would want to keep the baby...that baby would still be my baby. I personally could not have an abortion, but would never judge a woman that would chose to. I also don't think I could do adoption...I couldn't imagine having a child out there that I wasn't raising.

Then I got to thinking. This wouldn't be just my decision...I have a husband and family. Since I can't answer for my husband, I asked him last night. His response was that he would want to do whatever I wanted to do. I told him what I would want to do and he said that he would still do what I wanted to do. I asked him if he would resent the child, and he said "whats to resent", the child didn't do anything.

We also both agreed that we wouldn't never want child support. That would be tainted money and they would be entitled to visitation. Did you know that?

Now I know that I am saying this and have never been raped, so who is to say what I would do if the situation ever occured.

I just thought it was an interesting question.

Nina J replied: It's hard to say, because your not in that situation. But I would keep it, because even if I was raped, I'd still be that babies mother.

kayla's mama replied: I voted for abortion....

I am not a believer of abortion as a quick fix for consentsual sex but in this context yes I would do it.

I would have an abortion because I don't know if I could handle the pain of remembering being raped everytime I would look at the child, kwim!!!

But once again I've never been raped so its really hard to answer it.

mckayleesmom replied: Like I said, I don't know exactly how I would react because I have never been raped...Although I have had a similar bad experience...Won't go into details. I think with that, I have some idea of what I would probably mentally be able to handle. kwim? But like I said..you never know.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

You know I never disagree with you Brandi. But on this one I do. (still love ya sister!) I'm not saying your wrong for feeling this way, I'm just saying I don't feel the same way. KWIM? That's what great about this board, we can still love each other, but have different views.

I remember hearing a story of a well known Pastor on TBN, who was a baby of rape. His mother was on a vacation in the Bahamas, when a native man raped her. She knew in her heart, that God had a purpose & a plan for this child. So she decided to keep the baby. And like I said, he is now a well known pastor on Christian tv and is touching many lives.

I believe while there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children. Many children are unplanned by their parents, but they are NOT unplanned by God. God's purpose took into account humor error, and even sin. God never does anything by accident, and he never makes a mistake. He can make beauty out of ashes. (sorry to sound preachy, but these are my true feelings)

I know that if I were in that position, it would be tough. I'm not down playing the emotions involved in that type of situation. I know what a tough decision that would be for any woman, regardless of her faith, background, social status, age. But I do believe that child has a right to life, just like we all do.

I voted I would keep the baby. But since I'm married, that would really depend on my DH. But if he couldn't handle it, I would give the baby up for adoption. I know so many women would love to have a child of their own. And they wouldn't look at this baby, the same way me or my DH would.

So that's my

mckayleesmom replied:
Im just going to point out that Brandi has a right to her opinion...Not starting a fight or debate, but from here on out...Lets not try to point out what is wrong with someone elses opinion or why you don't agree with it. I honestly was just asking a question and wanting honest answers... the end...No discussion or reasons for what they think they would do. There are no right or wrong answers.

mckayleesmom replied: BTW...that post wasn't suppose to sound pissy....I just realized it did when I reread it . I just don't want the thread to get closed.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

That's why I wrote the above statment. I wasn't saying she was right or wrong, I just said I didn't agree and had a different view point. Brandi knows I love her, she's probably my closest friend on the board. And I thought we were suppossed to give our different view points? I don't think my post was starting a debate. It was just giving my 2 cents, and my feelings, like everyone else. And with this type of subject topic, you're bound to have people disagree. That's not saying they are starting a debate, or saying one's right & not the other. Just different opinions.

Edward's Mommy replied: If I became pregnant as a result of rape, I would keep the baby. I don't believe in abortion no matter the situation! Why kill the child? It's not the child's fault you were raped. I would keep it because it's just as much apart of me as it was the rapist. It's not who the parents are that make a child a good person, it's how they're raised that makes them a good person.

I wouldn't seek child support because in the end, it might give him rights to the child should he stay up on the child support. If I'm raped and have a baby, my husband is that baby's father. Maybe not biologically, but in the most important way.

mckayleesmom replied:
I know that. Im just saying that if people start quoting other people and saying they disagree with them...that might start a debate. KWIM....Some people might see you quoting them and think that you are singling their opinion out.

Buckles&Chains replied: I have been raped and I know that there is no way that I could raise that mans child. I just couldn't do it.
I'm very thankful for the morning after pill.

holley79 replied: I was a victim of rape and there is no way I could have kept the baby. I was in not mentally able at the time to even think of being pregnant. Had I become pregnant I could have mentally told myself that I was sick and had to go to the Dr.

This is just my opinion though.

C&K*s Mommie replied: I would want to keep the baby. Also, if DH and I disagreed then we would have a long conversation(s) about it. I could not have the abortion, so only the other two options would be on the table to discuss.

As for child support, no like some others I would not seek it. Entitlement to see your child, born out of something so vile.... no I would do what I could to keep that door closed.

MamaJAM replied: I would definately keep the baby. 1) I don't believe in abortion for ANY reason. and 2) Any baby that I carry is a part of me and I could never give him/her away.
I wouldn't seek child support....if I was able to find the man who raped me - I'd want him in jail...and for him to sign over ALL parental rights so DH could adopt the baby.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with Brandi on this one (never did before )
But then I have never been raped either
Its a tuff question that Ed and I have talked about many of times and I usually walked away ticked off. But the more I thought about it he was right
But then I also told Ed I might end up dead fighting bc I would do everything in my power not to be raped also.

I just hope none of us ever have to go though someting like that

So keep protected ladies

TeagansMom609 replied: NO WAY! I would definitly not keep the baby. I would be impregnated against my own will. It wasn't a mistake I made by being careless with my husband, and it wasn't planned either with someone I love. It was forced upon me by a stranger trying to hurt me.

amymom replied: If I were younger, I suppose I would probably have said kept the baby. But since that is not the case, I would give the baby up for adoption. I think that I would want it to be an open adoption. I know someone who is TTC I would ask her first!

I also hope and pray that none of us ever need to answer this question.

kimberley replied: i too have suffered thru the anguish of rape and understand why most people would opt for abortion but to me, the baby is an innocent life regardless of how he/she was conceived. i strongly believe people should not take that power of ending a life into their own hands. if God saw fit to bless me with a child under those circumstances, then He knew i had the strength to endure the hardships and tough questions that come from a child born of rape. i think that giving the child up will only confirm any insecurities he/she may have as they grow up about themselves. so to me, there is only one choice... love that child as much as i can.

as for child support... no, i wouldn't want it. i would however get papers drawn severing all his rights to the child. no way would i allow him to haunt the child's life forever.

CosmetologyMommy replied: I have never been raped but I have a friend that was molested by her grandpa and I could see her pain. I would want to keep the baby but I am not sure if I could. But I would not get an abortion. I would put it up for adoption to a good family that would not hurt when they looked at it.

But I did see this type of thing on Montell once. A lday was raped in her home by a african american man and her and husband decided to keep the baby and raise it as their own. And they did along with their 2 other boys and when she was old enough to ask about why she looked different then her brothers, her mom just said, "another man put you in my tummy, but daddy is your daddy." She was daddy's little girl. I think that was a good outcome for them but I do not know how my dh would react.

CantWait replied: Well it would be partly my baby, so I would keep it. I don't believe in abortion. I would hope that my dh would support me in the decision. I most certainly wouldn't want any child support from the SOB, that would just give him more rights to the child.

CantWait replied:
I'm sorry to hear this, you bring up a very good point. We're very lucky in this day to have the morning after pill. I'm sure most communities have this to fall back on.

CantWait replied:
As usual Kimberly you said it perfect.

USMCwife replied: I can say that I know that I wouldnt have an abortion.
I can honestly say that I dont know of I would keep the baby or give it up for adoption.
That is something that me and my DH would have to decide together. I know that if I gave the baby up for adoption I would probably be heartbroken and always wonder about him/her.
I would not want child support.

5littleladies replied: I would keep the baby. I've never been in the situation, so I don't know how I would respond emotionally, but I could never give up my child-regardless of how he or she came to be. Jason and I have discussed this and he agrees with me completely. He would be that childs father-We would even put his name on the birth certificate. I think Kimberley put it beautifully-

My3LilMonkeys replied: I voted to keep the baby. I personally could never have an abortion. I have never discussed this with DH so I don't know his feelings on the subject but IMO it would still be my baby and it would still deserve all the love and attention I could give it regardless of how it was conceived.

luvbug00 replied: I would abort and for reasons i'd rather not go into...

Boys r us replied:
Amen! I unfortunately was the victim of a bad sexual assault when I was 20, about 7 months after havng Tanner. It's a feeling I can't explain, I could hyperventilate just thinking about it too much right now, much less thinking about everytime I looked at a baby that could have come out of it! No way!

jcc64 replied: I was raped as a college student. I cannot say how I would have felt if it had resulted in a pg, but I do believe it's no one's business but my own what I "should" do in that situation.
This is why I am thankful that we have options (at least for now).

~*Just Me*~ replied: I would keep the baby no matter how s/he came to be. S/he is still MY child as well, and I could never kill my own child.

ilovemybaby replied: I really do not know. I haven't been in that situation. I have been sexually abused ... at ages 7, 14, 15 and 20. But I haven't been raped.

I think of it this way... that baby would still be half me. Yes, half his/her father too. But I would rather raise that baby and make sure they grow up a decent human being.
If I had an abortion I would be killing a baby that is half me...
If I gave the baby up for adoption I would be giving it to someone/a couple I don't even know and how would I know they would raise the child to be a good person? My best friend (well, not anymore but when I was a kid) was adopted as a baby and went to a sick family... her mother physically abused her and her father raped and molested her from age 2 or 3... for as long as she can remember anyway. And her mothers father molested her. And her brother (adopted) also tried to rape her once but her mother walked in.

I think the main reason why woman who abort or give up their babies because they were raped and fell pregnant is that they don't want a constant living reminder of what happened. And what if the baby looks like his/her father? But there are many things that will remind them for the rest of their lives that they cannot avoid. Like for me... problems with intimacy and sex, problems trusting men, reminders on TV or in movies or magazines... they are everywhere. You can never forget about something like that.

This is a Christian viewpoint someone shared with me once... "you can hate the sin but not the sinner". I know how it sounds because hey, I have men I haven't forgiven and I do hate them for what they did to me. But everyone sins. And God views all sins equally. So if I swear at someone then I am just as bad as those men that abused me. And I know it doesn't seem fair because I don't even think it is. But why should I get into Heaven even though I sin, but they cannot?
If they were to ask God into their lives and be saved, then they will also go to Heaven. And I hate to think about that because I don't want to spend eternity with them. But that's just the way it goes I guess...

But like I said at the beginning of my post... I really do not know what I would do so I didn't vote.

kit_kats_mom replied: It happened to me when I was 14. I did not keep the baby. It would have been born to a very young teen mom who's own mom could barely even take care of her...that would have turned out badly for everyone involved. I'd had enough trauma & at that age, I really disliked kids. Never babysat etc. I've never regretted my decision. Jeez, I can't even tell my DD that I had killed her cat. I can just see how the "where's my daddy?" convo would go. go ahead & judge me, dare you.

mckayleesmom replied: THis isn't about judging Carrie...Its not what I would do, but if you were my friend in real life...I would have supported you in your decision. What is right for me, might not be for someone else.

ilovemybaby replied:
I don't think anyone would judge you for that.

kit_kats_mom replied:
No. I know that this is a supportive place (or I never would have shared). However, I also know that this is a discussion that many people are extremely emotionally invested in. And it does frusterate me that so many people('m not referring to here) can be judgemental and not have ever been in such a state of desperation where such a terrible decision has to be made KWIM?. And I have that right I think. I probably would be pro life if I wasn't presented that lesson.

I certianly dont' feel proud of it but like Jeanne said, I sure am happy that those options were out there. If not, I KNOW DH would have never met me and I'd not have had Katherine or Lauren. That idea just kills me to think about.

mckayleesmom replied:
Like I said. We all can imagine what we would do, but its never happened to us...so most are hypothetical answers....You never know until you are faced with that situation.

mummy2girls replied: This personally hasnt happened to me so i have no idea what i would do. my mom on the other hand had it happen to her. when i was 2 she was raped by a friend of my dads. She was home alone and my dad was working and this man came to the house. She opened the door and thats when the attack happened. A pregnancy did result in teh attack. She was so upset by the whole inceident. tramatised. She didnt want to abort but could not handle keeping the baby so the 2 of them decided to give the child up...a girl... So i have a sister some where out there. She said it would of been hard to see this child because it would be a reminder of what happened.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: My first thought is I don't believe in abortion FOR ME under any circumstances (what your do is your choice I choose Life).....

I then think OMG I would put that child up for adoption. Because I wouldn't want the constant reminder of what had happened to me!

Then as I sit here more and think about the question I know that abortion still would never happen cause to me its murder, so I think about the adoption and I think I would go thru the motions and before it came down to it I wouldn't be able to give that child up. I would want that baby, the baby I felt grow inside of me, kick me, saw for the first time, etc.... The child can't help what it came from. God made that choice to make me carry a healthy child to term. So I would raise it and love it and we (chris and I ) would except it into our family. That baby no matter what is apart of me, is apart of my family, is sister or brother to Sabrina. I would have to keep the baby and raise it.

I don't know how I would handle the How you came about. I wouldn't want to lie but I wouldn't want to be to forward. I think that is the only thing I can't answer right now never being in that situation I just don't know!

~~*Missi*~~ replied:
can I just say that is so well put and just a perfect way to look at it IMO. I honestly have to say reading your reply I got a sense of ease with these discussion and the decision I know I would now definetly make......
thank you, what you wrote was perfect.......

Insanemomof3 replied: I could not keep the baby. Nor could I give it up for adoption, I just would be too emotionally traumatized ( am too sensitive.) I could not have the constant "trigger" for my memories to play tricks on me.

beautifulkids replied: I would keep the baby because I would the baby's mother and the farther in my opinion would still be my husband (to be) because he would be raising him/her. We talk a lot about "what if" questions, and we love children and the child wouldn't deserve to go through the tragidy because they would be a victim also in away, and they don't deserve that. We would love him/her no matter what and we would want to make sure that they knew that regardless of how they were conceived. I would be worried about how they would feel if they knew the truth because we wouldn't want them to feel like less of a person or less of a piece of the family. I would definately not go after the rapist for child support, I would rather if they didn't even know because I would fear my child's safety. I don't know what I would do about informing my child of he truth though. That we a really hard sitaution.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I don't know. I have no clue what I would do. I know just the thought is sickening to me and I feel so badly for all of you who were raped. I do have several friends who were in this situation and they all did different things. I think that if I were in that situation I might just totally lose it and never recover. Who knows?

Cary You know I love you and would never judge you.

C&K*s Mommie replied: No, Cary no one is here to judge you.

Crystalina replied: Okay, I have been reading this thread and leaving and coming back again, now it's my turn.

This happend to me almost five years ago. My husband and I were seperated for about 2 months due to both of us partying a bit much. I moved out and had my own place and during a party a friend came on a little too strong. I never thought of it really as rape because I knew him but now that I look back I realize that even though I was not beaten to death I definately said no more than once and he definately used his strength to get what he wanted. The next day he acted like it was nothing and I let him know how I felt and he said "I was drunk, I'm sorry." This was a "friend", not a man I was even attracted to. To make a long story short I never saw him again execpt for a couple of times driving down the road and I found out I was pregnant. I freaked. I went to my doc and told him that he had to " get rid of it" and he told me that I would have to wait for so long because he didn't want me to make any rash decisions. In the meantime I told my DH and he said that we were going to work out our problems and I was not going to get rid of the baby because he said I may regret it later in life. Boy was he right. I would never have my daughter.
As for the child support, I never told the "man" about her because I don't want him in our lives. Later if it becomes an issue I'll be the one to suffer the fate but I'll worry about that then.
As for looking at her and remembering the incident it really never happens. Maybe when a topic like this show up but then I just think about how lucky I am that I didn't go thrue with an abortion. I think about how lucky I am, not about what happend.
Let me tell you, when I found out that I was preg. I was dead set on having an abortion and there was nothing at all that was going to stop be. Thank God my doc made me wait.

ilovemybaby replied: so I think about the adoption and I think I would go thru the motions and before it came down to it I wouldn't be able to give that child up. I would want that baby, the baby I felt grow inside of me, kick me, saw for the first time, etc....


Yes, this is very true.

ilovemybaby replied:
Gee thank you so much! I was a little scared of what reactions I might get but I am so glad I shared my views now.

ilovemybaby replied:
Thank you so much for sharing your story! BTW your daughter is beautiful.

My2Beauties replied: First of all I would go straight to the hospital and take the morning after pill!! Secondly if that wasn't available I would abort it. You guys know I have strong feeling against abortion, but this is my ONE (and only one) BUT when it comes to abortion. I have known girls to be raped and honestly unless it's happened to you I think that is a very hard thing to speak on. I honestly do not think I could carry that child and have a normal healthy pregnancy and not be reminded every time I looked at that child. If the morning after pill didn't exist, I would buy a First Response everyday following the rape so I could term the pregnancy as soon as possible. Hope I don't offend anyone, but honestly I couldn't keep it.

My2Beauties replied: I wanna add this comes at a time right after my m/c and I had a cousin who had an abortion right after I m/cfor reasons other than this and I am highly upset with her, she already has 3 kids, I mean why have 3 and let this one die, KWIM? And everyone knows I am a fairly liberal person but abortion I have a problem with as a form of BC but I think this is the ONE reason it should be around, look at Cary's situation, how would her life had turned out, KWIM? Things to think about, so again I think it's hard for one to say they wouldn't unless put in that situation! I just don't want anyone to get offended or think I am taking back anything I ever said about abortion but I think I always made myself clear that in an instance such as this, I believe in pro-choice.

Edited for spelling

Crystalina replied: I also believe in pro-choice and you are very right unless it happens to you you never know what you're going to do. You have to be very strong and have a strong support system backing you up. Not all women could handle this. Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that I'm any stronger then the next woman. At the time I wasn't sure how strong I was going to be. I just became strong because of it. It is not for all women to do and I would never look down at anyone who had to do what she has to do.
I just wanted to put that out there. I didn't want anyone to think that I thought because I did that everyone should do it.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I voted that I would keep the baby, and I think that's what I would do. If it turned out to be too difficult I would give the baby up for adoption, but I could never have an abortion. For me the fact that I had another baby out there somewhere would be easier to live with than knowing that I'd killed my own child. I'm know that my Dh would be fine with either keeping it or giving it up for adoption.

Thankfully I've never been raped - my heart goes out to everyone here that has been.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: This is a subject that has come up before in conversation with Bill and I. We are both very pro-life but also both very torn as to what we would do in that situation. I can not imagine the pain and fear that you would feel knowing that a pregnancy resulted from such a horrible act of violence. I tend to go both ways on the issue-I feel on one hand,like many of you have said, the baby would be part of me. BUT there is so much more to the dilema-how could I expect my husband to cope with a pregnancy that he did not father...could he understand my desire to keep a child-regardless of how it was concieved...and most of all, if faced with that question IRL would I be able to handle the preganacy??? It is hard for me to admit that I am unsure-I am VERY firm in my conviction that abortion ends a life... BUT I also believe that in the case of rape and incest-there are NO easy answers. I have also changed alot since I had Taylor because I think of things like this in such broader terms now...I think what if it was my sister,my daughter...could I EXPECT them to go through with a pregnancy that they did not have a choice in concieving? In all honesty I don't believe I could. Like I have said before and I will say again-I believe a baby is a gift from God. I do NOT believe that abortion should be a form of easy birth control BUT my heart also breaks for the woman who have to come face to face with this choice in their own lives...I pray that none of the people I love have to decide something so life changing.

Cary~ I am sorry that you had to make this choice! I am sorry if anything I have ever said in a discussion about abortion sounded judgemental toward you or woman who have lived this nightmare. Like I said I honestly don't know what my choice would be either!

~~*Missi*~~ replied:
I am so sorry for what happened to you but your story I TOTALLY didn't think that it was going in the direction that it did......
But thanks for sharing it and I know in my opinion I am glad your doctor asked you to wait to. I must say she is a beautiful little girl!!

Sometimes great things come from something so terrible! Your little girl is that great thing( gosh that sounds ok but doesn't)

Your Dh deserves kudos, he stood by you, and is her father no matter what. I know when Chris and I talked about it last night his first reaction was get rid of it. Then as we talked and he discussed it, he said you know its would be Sabrina's sister and brother, anyone can donate sperm not everyone can be a father.

kit_kats_mom replied:
Oh no. Guys, I was really just trying to get people to think with the "judge me" comment. I didn't really expect to be judged here. LOL Seriously, it's more the rich white males who I see going on and on about how the choice should be stripped away because their god says it's wrong.

Those are the times that I get the most frusterated. They have no idea and they have no intention of adopting all of the unwanted (probably racially diverse, handicapped, lack of prentatal care etc) children who would be born if the choice was taken away. KWIM?

jcc64 replied:

Sing it, sister!

I've always felt that if there ever were to be a public referendum on Roe, that a man's vote should count for 1/2 of a woman's. It's easy to take a stand when you've got nothing at stake personally.

luvmykids replied: The first time I ever had sex was rape, and I don't know what would have happened if I'd been pregnant. I was 17 and probably would have been scared to death to tell my parents (my step dad is a pastor) BUT I don't think I could have had an abortion either, my best guess is that I would have ended up keeping it after lots of tears and fears but that it would have all been ok.

And NO I would not want child support.

TANNER'S MOM replied: I think it would be a decision that would be horrible and guilt ridden but I would have an abortion. I don't believe in abortion as birth control either. But, I do believe a woman as a choice to make about her body!

Celestrina replied: Most likely have an abortion, however I feel this is a situation that can't really be answered unless you've had to face it yourself.

Cece00 replied: Abortion.