Is it just me... Tamara

mummy2girls wrote: that is feeling anger now. I am very sad that she is no longer here, I will for sure miss that beautiful smile of hers and the support she gives here BUT i just feel anger right now! I know she was probably going through something intense and I will never know because I wasnt her and i wasnt in her mind at that time she pulled that trigger and decided that this is the only way.... BUT I AM MAD!!!! Im sorry if this causes any hard feelings. BUT man all i can think of is those kids of hers and her loving husband. Thos kids will have to grow up knowing eventually how she died and that she is the one that decided she had to leave them. Her husband is left behind to tell these precious babies this. and to raise these kids alone. He probably has the love and support from his family and Tamara's but still its such a WASTE!!!!! Im sorry if i caused any hurt feelings but i just feel i had to get this out!!!!

Please tell me im not the only one that feels this way! Please of please tell me im not a horrible person to feel this way!!!!!

coasterqueen replied: No, you are not alone. It's, IMO, normal. At least it has been for me. I went through so many variations with my aunt and still do! Anger, IMO, is a normal response and one I'm sure we all will feel in the process. Some get there earlier than others, and that's normal too. Just try to remember not to take that anger out on others. Talk to us, or loved ones IRL about your anger. I believe it's the best way to handle it, don't keep it bottled up. Luckily in regards to my aunt, Ryan was my rock. My problem is that I got all of it out with him at the initial time of when it happened and over the years it's harder to just get it all out and I bottle it up. Not a good thing either.

((HUGS)) Shelly. You are not alone.

bluebear replied: I feel angry too, and I don't really know who she was.
I assume her husband worked and she stayed home with the kids. Who is going to take care of the kids now? Is he going to have to quit his job? Are some of the kids going to be taken care of by family members for a little while?
All day today at work I couldn't focus because I was angry about this and I hardly know anything besides the fact that she left her family in the worst possible way. Those kids didn't deserve this.
May she rest in peace and her family be placed in the best situations.

Remember - anger is one of the steps in grieving.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I understand what you're feeling. When I was 18 my sister attempted suicide and I remember thinking how selfish she was and how angry I was. How could she think of leaving her son. And then shortly after Claudia was born I attempted suicide. I was told after my attempt that it was the most selfish thing that I could ever do. But in my mind, I honestly thought that I was doing what would be best for my family. I wasn't thinking of the after, I was thinking of the right now. It wasn't because I didn't love my children or my family. It was just because I honestly thought they would be better off without me.

Depression is a very difficult illness to understand. I think any mental health issues come with a lot of stigma, so a lot of people don't ask for help. Or they think it will just get better on it's own. Your thinking becomes very distorted, your whole world is covered in shades of grey. All these crazy thoughts enter your mind, some people withdraw and some people hide it so well. Depression affects so many people differently. They seem so happy on the outside when really they're dying on the inside. I know for myself I hid my depression from my family doctor out of fear that I would be told to stop breastfeeding.

I think a lot of people are thinking the same thing. I hope this helps you to understand, somewhat.

Danalana replied: That's what I was going to say...anger is one of the steps of grieving. There's denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. I might have left one out, but I am going on memory from college, here!
I haven't made it to anger yet, but I can feel myself getting there. I've mostly been wondering what in the world made her feel like this was the answer. It had to be atrocious because she adored those babies more than anything. I guess I am angry, in a way. Angry that those babies will never feel their mama's embrace again.

mckayleesmom replied: I think what you are feeling is ok. I kind of felt a little anger myself, but like you said, we don't know what she was feeling or what state of mind she was in when she pulled that trigger.

I honestly want to believe it was an accident. I can't wrap my head around the fact that she left her babies knowing the next day was Mothers Day and she knew they would be bringing her presents or artwork. Also...what happens to Blakely...She isn't Larry's bio daughter so is her real dad going to want her to come live with him? That would mean seperating her from her sisters and brother.

There are so many things I wonder if she thought about...I just think her pain must have overwhelmed her thought process.

Danalana replied: Kirsten, I understand what you are saying. I remember a very low point in our marriage, and I did have thoughts like "they'd all be better off without me", etc...so, I can get that. But then I looked at my boys and realized they do need me. So sad that she couldn't get there.

mckayleesmom replied: I think its ok to be angry. We are all Angry with the action Tamara took. That doesn't mean we don't love her or care any less. Alot of our anger comes from not knowing why she did this.

Kirstenmumof3 replied:
I look at my family now and I can't believe that I would ever think of leaving them. It's so sad, how low a person can get.

I've also been wondering about Blakely and how confusing this must be for her. I think of her children and it makes me so sad. I wish Tamara could have seen how much people care for her, I wish that she would have reached out for help.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I seem to have more fear--maybe the anger will stem from that at some point. I tend to think every negative emotion stems from fear.

I'm trying to drown out those thoughts with love. It helps me. Especially when I wake up in the middle of the night, after having a nightmare that someone is being taken from me and it's out of my control. But if I can love more, that fear will subside.

Those kids will need a lot of love. I pray people put the kids' needs before their own.

moped replied: I felt anger on sunday, but now it is sadness because I don't understand. She must have had some serious problems that she kept hidden very well - I just keep thinking that it could have been prevented if she had told someone.

Swood75 replied: I guess I am still in the denial phase as it still seems like a really bad dream to me..I just can't get past the being so sad for Larry,the kids not having their mom there with them as they grow up,just so many things..I still want to cry when i start thinking about all of it..

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I have felt a little angry, too. I know what it's like to think that life just isn't worth living anymore and everyone would be better off without me and tried to end my life once - but that was before my kids. Sometimes I let my imagination run away from me and think about what would happen if either Scott or I, or both were in a car accident, or got sick and died, and the thought of my kids trying to deal with one of us not being here drives me wild. How do you explain to a three year old, or a one year old, or a six month old baby that the mommy they so desperately want and need is not coming back? I'm more confused than angry though. Her family was her life - I don't understand how she got to the point where she would think her husband and children would be ok or better off without her... that has to be how she must have felt because from the little bit I knew of her she loved them too much to ever be ok with abandoning them this way.

Sam & Abby's Mom replied: omg. I feel sick to my stomach. Tamara is dead? She was such a beautiful young woman. I was tickled pink for her when she kept having babies -- she seemed so excited about having a big family close in age. I hadnt seen her post on here in ages and kind of lost track of her.

So sad.

Boys r us replied: Anger is normal! I feel a little angry too. But like Brianne said, mostly sad b/c I can't stop thinking of those babies..and especially Blakely..what will happen to her..did she lose her mother and now she will be pulled out of her home away from the brother and sisters she loves? Will she lose every sense of stability she had? It scares me for her.
and who will take Avery to therapy everyday?

My3LilMonkeys replied: Anger is normal, and I completely understand how you are feeling...I have had a lot of those same thoughts too.

boyohboyohboy replied:
I agree with this.
I feel confused as to why she felt she had to take this action. But honestly my biggest feeling about it is, sorrow and how senseless it is. I mean how low she felt, how scared, alone, depressed..those are all horrible and I am sure mulitplied to extremes we can not understand.
The strong emotion that drives someone to such extreme can only be understood by that person. I also feel that there has to be some form of mental illness that a person who can do this has, to not have enough coping skills to deal with issues that are causing these feelings.
I guess I stand alone in the fact that I am not angry with Tamara. I wish she could have comprehended how much she was cared for and loved..If she had just reached out to the right person, this situation would be so different right now.

My2Beauties replied: Shelley I think what you are feeling is normal. I wouldn't say I'm angry but I definitely think suicide is a very selfish act and to know what her and her family went through with her brother, I can't even begin to imagine why she thought this would be something she should do to her family over again and those precious babies and her loving husband. I don't get it, I never ever will, but I love her no less and now just hope that her family can find peace and cope with the loss of their beloved sister/mother/wife/daughter/friend.

mummy2girls replied: I love tamara and miss her dearly... that will never change, im just upset for the fact she did this to her family knowing the pain she went through and her family with her brothers suicide:(

and blakley... where she will end up... I told marcus this and he said that if it came down to it and her bio dad decided to fight for her I think a judge would not rip her out of the home she knows in the middle of this tragic situation...and mabye he gave up all rights to larry.. who knows:(

im sad for all those kids and her husband:( and how tamara must of felt before that ultimate choice she made:(

kimberley replied:
you are not alone. i feel the same as you do. my heart is broken for those babies and that she felt so all alone

luvmykids replied: I have some anger, but not really directed at Tamara. I'm just angry that there are five young children without their mom, a husband suffering the loss of his wife.....basically just angry that "life" has these tragedies.

PrairieMom replied: I am still to numb to feel much of anything. the whole thing is so tragic.

momofone replied: The demands on her must have been too much i understand her feelings but do feel sad for the family.

MommyToAshley replied: I think I feel more confused than angry, and maybe even a little guilty. I feel guilty that I didn't reach out to her more, be a better friend or recognize that she was in pain. I know it's not rational to feel this guilt, but that's how I feel. I can only imagine how her family feels. I hope they can forgive themselves and forgive Tamara. She loved her family so much, so I am sure they have to realize that there was more going on. I have been caught off guard by how much this has affected me. I find myself not able to concentrate on work or sleep... I keep thinking of Blakely on Mother's Day and the babies that will never really know their mother. I just feel deep sadness for everyone involved.

Boys r us replied: DeeDee, I feel that way too. In looking back at her FB status from Thursday I think it was, there was one that said, "Stick a fork in me, I'm...(you know the rest)" and I'm feeling a lot of remorse for not reaching out and asking her what was up and if she was okay. I think like most people, I just passed it off for a rough day in general and didn't give it another thought. I am, like everyone else I'm sure..laying in bed all night sorting it all out in my head, wanting answers, wondering if we'll even ever know what will become of her beautiful little family..b/c how will we know?? I think to myself..what if we had all done a better job of keeping it active here..would she have still been active too and been able to reach out??(I'm not blaming anyone here..or even myself..I'm just saying the stray thoughts I have about this) I think this is so eye opening in the wake of all of our heartache, I know I will be so protective of my friendships now and probably drive everyone crazy with prying questions when I feel like they're down..b/c you just don't know what's going on in their minds.

Our Lil' Family replied:
I saw that status too and really thought the same thing, bad day, waiting for it to be over. NOW though makes me question what happened that day! The hard part is that we'll never know anymore than we do now.

mckayleesmom replied:
You are not the only one that has been thinking that maybe she didn't feel she could come to us here because we really weren't here anymore. Alot of us still stopped by, but not on a regular basis like we use to.

Danalana replied: I saw that status update, too, but after the fact. So haunting, though.

coasterqueen replied: I just looked through all her pictures on her page and I just don't see it. She looked so so happy. The kind of happy that at some times I think we all envy in one way or another, kwim? I just don't get it. This is the 3rd person I've "known" (2 IRL and Tamara online) that has done this. And I wrack my brain 24/7 with each of them trying to figure out why. It's hardest with my aunt because we were so close, but still. They all seemed to have perfect lives that most people envy -- that most people on the outside are like "WOW! They have it all!"

Insanemomof3 replied:
I agree.

Nina J replied: I think anger is a natural reaction. I am angry too. But, I am not angry at Tamara. I am angry that she will never see her beautiful children grow up - I am angry that she was hurting so badly this was her only solution.

I think it is all just too tragic. I can't imagine how much pain she must have been in. I could not take my own life, and I can only imagine the turmoil and the hurt someone must be experiencing to be able to do that. How much pain do you have to be in to take your own life? To know that what you're going to do will prevent you from seeing your babies grow up? That kind of action; it takes guts. And it takes a hell of a lot of pain to be able to do it. I am angry that someone so beautiful and caring had to go through so much that led them to take their own life.

I wish she had not have done it, that someone reached out and helped her. I wish she had of seen that whatever hurt she was going through would not last forever, that things would be okay one day. I wish that she hadn't of succeeded in taking her own life. I thought about that, that if she hadn't of hurt herself bad enough to pass away, she would've been helped.

I read through some of Tamara's old posts, and saw a lovely photo of Blakely and Larry that she had written 'Blakely and Daddy', or somehing to that effect. That kind of gives me the impression that Larry had taken over the role of Blakely's biological father. I didn't know too much about it, but I just assumed that Blakely's biological dad wasn't part of the picture that much?

Reading through her old posts - I thought it would be nice if we could somehow get together the cute litte stories she wrote about everyday things, the comments about the kids, and put them together for her family, for the kids. It would be nice for them one day to be able to read things Tamara had written about them. In her own words.

kit_kats_mom replied: That's a wonderful idea Nina

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I am overwhemingly sad and then angry in waves...I am also,as Nichole said,incredibly guilty. I thought of her 20+ times last week...we talked for a few minutes early in the week but kids on both sides were needing something and I didn't ever have the time or take the time to call back....She seemed fine! Happy and crazy busy just like always...normal! I didn't see Thursdays status but if I had I probably would have actually laughed and thought how true that can feel some days. Tamara was a mom to 5 kids...that made for a busy schedule, crazy long days, and being constantly needed but she handled it all beautifully! She was in love with her children and her husband and that is the thing that is making me the most sad and the most angry at the same time. I can not make myself accept (yet) how she made this choice without so much as a passing comment that gave clue to how bad she must have been feeling.... She was a precious person! She was a devoted mom and I just wish that she would have reached out to someone in her life because there were obviously soooo many people who would have movved Heavan and Earth to try and help....

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I have an overwhelming sadness. I can't imagine the thoughts that plagued her mind from day to day.

I keep thinking there is a lesson to be learned here. To be a friend. To make a conscious effort not to neglect ourselves. To control our thought lives to coincide with our actions and what we speak, to allow ourselves to be LOVED by all the people around us who love us so much. It's one thing to love another, but to love ourselves is sometimes near impossible when we feel like such a failure (maybe it's just me that feels this way at times.) Tamara LOVED Larry and she LOVED her kids--there's no doubt in my mind.

The only thing I can think of that would drive a person to do such a thing is their intense dissatisfaction in themselves.

I'm sad that she didn't know how wonderful and valuable she was. If she knew, she would be here today. I'm convinced of that.

Her cousin attends the school that Maddie went to for 4 years and is friends with our babysitter (who lives 2 houses down from us.) I remembered that she had family close, we talked about it and she came to Dallas quite often, although we never got the chance to meet.

coasterqueen replied:
I couldn't agree more. I have felt the same way you have Aimee, you are not alone. I have a hard time letting others in when I am so harsh on myself. I find I am a lot happier at the times I accept myself for who I am than when I don't. At those times that I do accept it, I find that I let others in more.