Its almost 3 am, do you know where your husband is - I DONT!

TeagansMom609 wrote: Well we got into a fight this afternoon and of course when I got home from work he wasn't here. Well I figured he went out to get drunk so I went to bed. (not a suprise) But then at 2 am the phone rings and who ever it is keeps calling and calling. Well of course its him, drunk at his friends asking me to come get him! LOLOLOLOL! He works nights so I can work during the day but guess what if he's hung over and hasnt slept since a day and a half ago he's not going to be able to watch her. Nor do I trust him too. My marraige has become a living hell. He comes and goes as he pleases. He seems more single then any married man I know. He even wants to kick out me and the baby knowing we have no where to go. So instead of paying the rent im going to save it until I get the $2,200 that I need to get into an apt. of my own. Which is REALLY hard to do at Xmas time, but oh well, I have to leave him.

GavinsMommy replied: Wow. I'm sorry you're still going through this crap w/ him! It must be so hard!! I guess if you're having so many probs and he wants you out anyway...that's probably the best thing for both you and Teagan. KWIM? He's obviously not acting like someone who is married, so why be there?

I'm not one to give advice though. Yesterday my husband and I got into a HUGE fight bc he's ALWAYS looking at porn. Every time I leave the room or he thinks I'm asleep he is looking. I can't stand it especially bc he gets mad when I interrupt him by coming out of the bedroom or something.

We REALLY got into it. Worst ever. I packed my son's baby clothes and my clothes and set them next to the door so after Gavin is born I could leave and go home. He came in the bedroom this morning and said he wanted a divorce. He said he didn't want to fight anymore. I said fine and that I didn't know when he was going to see Gavin. He started crying and saying he was exaggerating, that he didn't really want a divorce and that he loves me...that he's IN love with me...and he wants us to work and blah blah blah. I said we needed to see a counselor and *I* need to go back to church bc I'm most sane then. Our son is being born Monday, we're inducing...so we are okay now and I'll see how it goes w/ counseling. Prob is we both really love each other, just very opinionated and have a baby and a wedding in the same year, apparently just like you.

Anyway I didn't mean to take over your thread.

I just thought I'd let you know you're not the only one w/ marital problems right now that is newly married. Tomorrow is our three month wedding anniversary.

All I can say is pack your stuff and leave...if he chooses to chase after you and try to make things work...get counseling. If that doesn't work...get a divorce if it's that bad. I hope everything works out for the better, whichever way that may be.

GL

Alice replied: I'm so sorry that both of you are going through such a tough time.

I have no advice...this is totally over my head. But both your families will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Boys r us replied: Baby girl, I'm so sorry you're going through this!!! I know how excited you were with planning for the perfect wedding and all, I hate that this marriage is turning out to be so much less than perfect, especially so soon!!
please know that we are here for you, there isn't much any of us can do besides listen and keep you in our prayers, but please know that we're here to do that anytime you need us to!!!!!!

TeagansMom609 replied: Thanks girls. This is soooo hard! He knows I have no where else to go for now, but I know once we do he is going to be upset. But hey, oh well! Once I move and get into a lease thats it. Theres no coming back. I cant live my life like this. He keeps saying our problems arent just him. Uh yea they are! I go to work everyday, come home and spend time with Teagan. Oh, and I pay the bills. What ever, life goes on I guess.

amynicole21 replied: I'm so sorry, for you and for Gavin's mommy... It's hard enough trying to take care of yourself and a baby (or soon to be born baby), but add in an unsupportive and hostile spouse and it's 5x as hard. I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts.

Sunflower04 replied: I am so sorry your Dh and your marriage.

If you ever need a place to stay I live in Jamesburg, NJ and you and Teagan are always welcomed.

TeagansMom609 replied: HAHA! JAMESBERG! I live in Cranbury!!!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm so sorry. This is such a difficult situation that you are in. I wish there was more I could say or do. Please know that I support you 100% and am here for you anytime you need to talk. You are in my prayers. You will get thru this just fine. You are so strong. Hang in there.

MommyToAshley replied: ((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. We are here for you if you need someoen to talk to. You are a strong person, and a wonderful Mom, I know you and Teagan will get through this. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

favre4fan replied: So sorry you have to go through this! I have been through one crappy marriage and another abusive relationship both mental and physical and you have to do whats best for you and Teagan. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well, I want to tell you that I am so Sorry..Life is hard.

But I also want to tell you that you are a beautiful woman and have a beautiful daughter. And it is hard to be by yourself. But you can do it. I did it with two small children, because I got to the point where it was one less mouth to feed b/c the only time he was home was when he was hungry.

My advice for you is the same as my Granny told me, Honey you will know your quitting point, you know how much you will take. And once you get to that point then you will do what you have it. And we will support you fully.

Mel

jcc64 replied: I'm so very sorry for you. It sounds like your dh has given up. Do you have a support system/family irl? I would definitely start squirrelling $$$ away, as you mentioned, just in case. Keep the Christmas presents modest this year, those who know and love you will understand. I'll cross my fingers for you.
BTW, I used to be a Jersey girl too- but from North Jersey, near the City.

Mommy2BAK replied: I am so sorry you and Teagan are having to go through this!

I know how hard this must be for you, but you don't need to live your life this way. I am for a "happy family" and if that means getting you and Teagan out of there then thats what you need to do!

I live in Arkansas and I know it's far off but if you ever need to get far away and start all over Blakely and I would love to help you out. We live in NW Arkansas and it is like the 6th fastest growing area in the U.S. Lots of Opportunity!!!

My2Beauties replied: Hon, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Why did he decide to wait an act like a jerk after you got married?????!!!!!!!!!! UGH! I think Mel said it right, you know what you can put up with and what you can take, if you're that unahppy then you need to leave. I couldn't live like that neither! I'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff, especially around the holidays! I hope that he comes to his senses and realizes what he is doing, but he also sounds like he is acting really immature right now, maybe he wasn't ready for marriage and he's scared! I don't know

momof2girls replied: My goodness what a tough situation! I just wanted to offer support.
I have a great hubby but growing up my mom and stepdad did nothing but fight, take my advice I would have much rather just had my mom instead of all of that.

Good luck to anyone in this situation!

A&A'smommy replied: (((((BIG HUGS))))) i am SOO sorry sweetie, you DON'T deserve this!!!! I hope that you will get your money saved up soon and get your own place! Its not fair that he waited until now to be an ass! We are here for you and if I could I would come and get you!!!

maestra replied: I'm so sorry you are going through this. But do whatever you have to do to get out. If you need us, we're here!

TeagansMom609 replied: Well here's an update. Yesterday I went into work late because I had to call his mother to go pick him up 1/2 hour away so I could get him back home to watch Teagan so I could go to work. GRRR!!! I was pissed! So anyway all day yesterday I was on the phone looking for an apartment. God their expensive here. We pay $850 a month her for our one bedroom and thats somewhat on the cheaper side compared to most. So then he calls me at work as im in one of the attorneys room putting some files away, I picked up the phone and it was him. He say Hey!, what are you doing? Im like uhhh working...and then he said, I want to talk to you when you get home. (all im thinking is what is he calling me for???!!) So then he's talking about what were going to do for dinner. He was acting like nothing happened. I told him I was going to my Dad's to ask him to give me money so I could get my own place and he said Oh, your moving out?! I said well Shawn what do you expect me to do? Just stay and deal with this all the time? So he said I will talk to you when you get home. I got home and we got into an argument of course about how he acts like he's single and doesn't seem to care about me at all. So then I went to bed. Well this morning he comes home from work with roses and comes in the bedroom and sits on the bed and gives them to me. He said, look at me, please dont leave. Please dont move out. I didnt say much. But now all morning he's been saying come here, come sit with me, come lay with me. I told him I was a a bit hesitant to call the guy I might have been getting an apartment from and tell him nevermind. Shawn said don't be hesitant. Yea, easy for him to say! SO I don't know, I don't want to be a sucker and stay but there's a part of me who hopes he can change. I have a feeling he wont though. This is hard. Really hard...

MommyToAshley replied: That is such a hard situation to be in... when your heart says one thing and your head is telling you something else. If you want to try to work things out, maybe you can set some terms, such as he goes to marriage counseling with you... or what ever you decide you want. If he's not willing to do that, then he's probably not serious about wanting to change and work things out.

Good luck sweetie, I am hope things work out for you and Teagan!

Stacimonkey replied: I know that I'm new here, but I reading what you've written just breaks my heart!! I wanted to send some ((((BIG HUGS))))) from So Cal and let you know that you'll be in my thoughts.

I also wanted to add that you sound like you know what you need to do, just devise a plan to get there and execute it. You'll be fine, wishing you the best of luck!

Josie83 replied: Oh I'm so sorry that you're going through this - and I'm so sorry that I'm late replying. I really don't know what to tell you - if you think its worth giving it one more chance, then go for it, but if you think its just going to be a waste of time and drain you even more, I would say get out while you can. You really need to think about what's best for you and Teagen - Dee Dee's idea of counselling sounds like a good one. Remeber that we're always here for you, and if we can help in any way just help. I'm really sorry you're going through this xx

MomofJandB replied: Boy am i sorry you have to go through this! You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful child. You deserve happiness. I agree that if you feel you can give him another chance, go for it. I truly believe counseling will help with the problems if you choose to stay. He's done this before to you and he needs to learn another way to handle things. I would also keep stashing money away. If you need it in the future to get your own apartment, then you'll have it. If things work out, then you'll have a nice stash to celebrate with. Either way, it can't hurt. Sending you lots and lots of ((((HUGS))))! Hang in there and keep us posted!

Mommy2BAK replied: Geez.... just when you are starting to get things figured out he throws you for another loop. If you think he will truley try to change and make things better then go for it! These kind of things happen sometimes. And people can change their ways when it comes to love. Sorry this is just my two cents. Good Luck!

alice&arik replied:
First of all I am so sorry about what you are going through. I saw your wedding pics and thought, I wish that was me. Your so pretty. I don't think I will ever get married.

I can't believe the apartments are so expensive there. I had a 1 BR (it was above a business) not all that great but it was $350, and now I am in a 2 BR house w/ dbl garage and w/d that is $550. I hope you can find something reasonable. It is tough on your own. I know. I have been on my own since Arik was born, except for that mistake I call my ex-BF, LOL! I am glad that I can erase the last 10 months. It is like I never left here at all.

Please keep us posted. Good Luck.

moped replied: I am new to this site, but came upon your letter - soooo sorry to hear this. What a terrible time. BUT, it really sounds like you have your head in the right place and know what to do - and what is best for you and baby!!!!!!!

Jack's Mom

coasterqueen replied: I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope he does change. ((HUGS)) and know we are here for you.

My2Beauties replied: I am so sorry, now I know you are confused. I think if Brian did this to me I would probably stay, because I love him so much! This is my honest opinion, this is now your husband, obviously he has somewhat of a guilty concious to have bought flowers and asked you not to leave. See what happens over the next few days, put the apartment hunting on hold. He acted like nothign happened because that is a lot of men's ways of trying to stop an argument, they act as if nothing happened, Brian can do that sometimes! Makes me even madder, but hey at least you know they're trying to stop arguing! I mean it's your marriage, it's worth a second chance. You are a strong woman, if he doesn't change then go ahead and leave but if he does it will be worth sticking it out right?

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

victoire2002 replied: Hi there,

I just read your story, and I wanted to extend my condolences that you are dealing with this right now. I hope that the situation resolves itself soon, so you can move on with your life, either with him or without him.

I can tell you by experience that having a child is stressful on the strongest of relationships. I have known many daddies that freak out either during the pregnancy or in the first year, as they don't know how to deal with the changes in their lives. Some men grow because of the experience, some don't. I hope for all of you that your DH (or is it just H right now?) comes to grips with how his life has changed, and hopefully he'll see it for all it's beauty.

My DH and I have had our worst arguments ever when I was pregnant and during the first 6 months of Aidan's life. There were times when I was scared we weren't going to "make it", but as time wore on, we both dealt with our "new" life and became stronger in our marriage.

Make the choices you feel are "right" in your gut. Your intuition will not lead you astray.

I wish you peace during this stressful time,

Vicki

tonysgirl0506 replied: I hope I'm not out of place since I just joined the board, but I just wanted to tell you that I agree with the PP who said that this happens to a lot of first time parents. The first 6 months after a baby is born is very hard for some guys, especially young fathers. They tend to still be more self oriented and feel neglected because you spend so much time with the baby and not so much with them anymore.

But if you are able to stick it out, I really think things could get better. I really really think you and your husband could have a much better relationship if you were able to get counseling. But if you can't afford it or circumstances are not right, I really really suggest this website. I used it in the first year of my marriage because that is the hardest year for sure and I thought it really helped me get to know my husband better and vice versa.

Here is the link...Marriage Builders....I don't know if your DH would agree to filling out some of the questionaires and things on there, but he sounds like he still cares so maybe he would. I also suggest the books For Better or for Best by Gary Smalley and If He Only Knew by Gary Smalley. The first is for wives and the second is for husbands. Again I don't know if your DH would be willing to read it, or if you would have time yourself or if you would even want to read them , but they really helped me.

If I'm giving unsolicited advice, feel free to ignore it and forgive me, I just hate to see marriage be given up so soon, I hope things get better for you. This might be stupid to say, but if you need someone to talk to, my AIM name is the same as this one (tonysgirl0506). Since I'm new to the board, my name is Charity and I'm 25, married and have a daughter who is 6 months old.