It's hard to believe a year has gone by

coasterqueen wrote: and I still feel anger, sadness, confusion and a whole other bunch of feelings I still can't even figure out. This Sunday will be the 1st anniversary of my aunt's death, when she took her own life. I wanted to post this now because I don't know how I am going to feel on Sunday. Part of me wants to go to church on Sunday so I can feel closer to her, she was a very religious person, and another part of me wants to drive 2 hours to her hometown beat the crap out of my uncle and then go visit her gravesite. I know that's horrible of me to say, but it's how I still feel.

I thought after a year I'd be able to handle this. I thought I'd be able to get through my feelings and deal with it, but I can't seem to. I am one of those people who just can't let go of something (most times). As my husband will tell you, I will never let him live down anything he's ever done. Although I really do try hard not to be that person. Maybe it's the irish in me; maybe it's the german; maybe it's just me.

I have come to conclude that I will never in the forseeable future be able to forgive my uncle. I just feel it deep down in my bones that he had something to do with her feeling so helpless and alone that she had to take her own life. I mean he was talking about marrying the other woman just months after she was buried. He married her just a few months ago, not even waiting a year after her death. I've only seen him on occasion since her death but he's flaunted his new "found" money since her death and it makes me sick. Where are the supposed letters she left us (including me)? Sorry I'm rambling.

This is all so bittersweet too because my cousin, my aunt's son, and his wife just had their baby girl a week and a year after her death. They gave their daughter the same middle name as my aunt AND she was born on his sister's birthday (my aunt's other daughter). I know she's looking down on them and ugh, I'm going to cry here at work. Sorry.

I know I should see someone for how I feel. I feel stupid in many ways because she's not even my mother and I feel so many feelings. I wonder sometimes if my cousins feel the same. They seem to be so put together when I see them. My cousin not even shedding a tear talking about his unborn (at the time) child and my other cousin talking about trying on her wedding dress. All these things, just talking about them, would have sent me in tears at any time. I cry just thinking about how Megan will never know her. Kylie barely remembers her now . The last memory I have of my aunt is going to visit my mother in the hospital and she was there and she had just met Megan for the 1st time (about a month after she was born). She was holding her and she couldn't get her to stop crying for anything. She felt so bad and for some really strange reason you could tell she was crawling under her skin because she couldn't get her to stop. That was not like my aunt. She loved babies and never had a hard time with any of them. So my uncle took Megan and he got her to stop crying instantly. That memory, unfortunately, is tainted with my uncle in the picture of it. See, I'm so childish with my hatred.

Sorry I wrote this all out. I just have to talk to someone and this was a good place to do it. My wonderful husband tries so hard to understand what I'm feeling and to help me deal, but he just doesn't know how. I don't blame him, because I don't either.

I will have to learn to accept all this, I know. Thanks for letting me talk.

Nina J replied: It must be so hard. Grief never goes away, some days it's okay, other days its not. But it keeps on going. I've never been able to accept the loss of anyone close to me, because I feel that accepting is like letting go, even though I know that is stupid.

I've never heard you talk about your Aunt before, but it's obvious you were close and she meant a great deal to you. Your anger towards your Uncle sounds completly justified, in my opinion. Try not to think of him this Sunday, just think of your Aunt. Maybe you could do something special for her, something to remember her? Going to Church sounds like a good idea, maybe for dinner you could cook her favourite meal?

You shouldn't feel stupid, she wasn't your mother, but she was someone very special to you. And you're definatly not childish with your hatred, it sounds like you're having completly natural feelings. Don't be ashamed of what you feel, because no one should ever be ashamed of any emotion. There's nothing wrong with what your feeling. And definatly don't be sorry for writing it all out

You'll be in my thoughts this Sunday

~Roo'sMama~ replied: ((((HUGS)))) Karen!

C&K*s Mommie replied: I agree Nina, she put my thoughts into words.

You will also be in my thoughts.

booey2 replied: I am at a loss for words.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Karen I'm so sorry. I had no idea this was still something you are struggling so much with.

I really don't know what to say, but what Nina said is so true. It's okay to grieve and we all grieve in different ways.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I'm so sorry you're still struggling Karen. I do think maybe it would be beneficial to talk with someone, but if you're not ready, know that we're always here. You're in my thoughts.

Momof3inMe replied: I just wanted to send you some hugs.....

mamasbigbaby replied: Hugs for you, sweetie!

CantWait replied: Karen I'm so sorry. I have so many thoughts on the subject however none belong here. The only thing I can do is give you a virtual hug It's never easy to lose someone especially when it's so unexpected and it blindsights us.

You'll be in my thoughts this Sunday.

mamasbigbaby replied: Virtual hugs.

mummy2girls replied: (((HUGS)))

Any loss is a painful thing to have to go through! But i believe that when someone commits suicide it brings alot of anger out with the people they left behind..expecially the ones close to the [person. and i can tell you were close. I would say go to church tomorrow so you can be with her and talk to her((HUGS)))

Brias3 replied: Karen, I'm so sorry. Things like that can be nearly impossible to ever let go and I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. Many prayers sent your way

Halo42101 replied: I am so sorry. Lots of hugs & prayers to you.

coasterqueen replied: I just wanted to thank all of you for your responses. I feel surpisingly ok today, but I know tomorrow will be hard. Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow. Kylie is gone most of the day so it's just Dh, Megan and I. I've given myself a very long list of things to do out in the yard tomorrow to keep busy so that's what I'll do for sure. I'm good at keeping myself busy to push my troubles away.

Again, thank you all for letting me vent. I really appreciate it.

ashtonsmama replied: I'm so sorry Karen, I didn't know this was coming up...

I don't know what to say, except that I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of love and prayers your way Sunday. I'm glad you feel comfortable posting this here, it's always better to get your feelings out when you're experiencing them than to stuff them to deal with later. This was a very tragic thing that happened, and it's not a surprise to me that you're still grieving, that healing process takes awhile.

amymom replied: Lots of thoughts and prayers are going out for you. Continue to tell us what is going on, and when you are ready I think talking to someone professionally is a great idea.
Everything Nina said is very true.
Take care.

mammag replied: I am so sorry for your pain Karen. I will be keeping you in my thoughts all day today.