Joke Thread

MommyToAshley wrote: Someone suggested a joke forum. Although we don't have a forum for it yet (but we will add it to the list to consider) I thought it would be fun to start a thread for jokes.

Wouldn't you know, as soon as I start the thread, I forget all the good jokes. OK, here is a lame one to start us off...

What kind of shoes do mice wear?



Answer: Squeakers.


I know that one is sad. Almost ashamed to put my name by it. But, I've been telling that joke since I was 10.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: That's so funny!! And so tru - I especially like the one about being lazy... tok me a few reads to *get it*!!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
These two, I am guilty of... and it's embarassing, because of my job - working in a gov't office isn't as cushy as it appears to be... lol

supermom replied:
And my DH would claim this is me - - I claim PIS!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
These definitely apply to me and/or DH!!!!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Those were hilarious Teesa!!!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: That IS funny!!! lol!!!!!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

supermom replied:
Well, you caught me on a good night and I was on a roll - Anders was behaving and playing with the older one (who is usually at work all night) so he was cooperating - giggle - it won't happen often, you all just got lucky!

jdkjd replied: It's long but worth it!

POOPING AT WORK - SURVIVAL GUIDE (Warning: R-rated)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking
a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This
is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash
you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend
that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out
at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do
not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the
toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits
the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air
time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to
the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can
be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who
poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always
look around the office for the Out of the Closet
pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group
of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom
somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of
your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize
that you are in the stall and tries to force the door
open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all
new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that
creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to
linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you ass well
as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WH*RE Definition: A crapper that has seen more
crack than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK
WH*RE include pubes, urine stains and poop streaks.
Avoid a CRACK WH*RES at all cost. Try finding out when
the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't
forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WH*RE can become
a SAFE HAVEN.

ashade75 replied: > Should children witness childbirth?
> > >
> > Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded
> > to the call.
> > >
> > The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
> > 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
> > could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
> > Katelyn did as she was asked.
> > >
> > Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
> > >
> > The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
> > bottom. Connor began to cry.
> > >
> > The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the
> > wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
> > just witnessed.
> > >
> > Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there.
> > Smack him again.

supermom replied: See new joke forum for my jokes!

Guest replied: I come in here to read the jokes and most of them are gone?? I didn't get to finish reading them all. Where'd they all go??

supermom replied: Yeah, what happened to all of Teesa's jokes? Hmmmmmmm.....................very interesting..........TLCDad - help!!

TLCDad replied: Teesa had them deleted thinking she might of offended someone... but they didn't and things have been worked out in that aspect, but the posts are not easily recoverable. She will probably repost in the new forum...

Speaking of the new forum, should I just move this thread to it or should we just repost the jokes and I will then delete this thread? Let me know what would be best for you all.

supermom replied: Update to this post - I got all of my jokes moved, so I'm done - giggle - they are in the new forum now, so just never mind this post - giggle

If you move this thread, is there a way to seperate them out into individual posts, or will they remain one long thread? If so, I would like the chance to at least "copy and paste" the ones I posted so that I can re-post them fairly easily (some came from e-mail and I cleaned them up after I had them in the post, removing some words and also the lovely >>> stuff from beginning of lines).

So, if you just open it back up so we can post, maybe we can just copy and paste from this thread, and after all is done, then you can just delete the whole thread.....

Does that make sense?

giggle

MommyToAshley replied: Hi Supermom...
That would be great if you could repost them. I think each joke should be a separate message...it would be easier to find them AND we can put a little "rate" each joke this way.

Thanks...you are awesome!

supermom replied:
Exactly -
Which is why I am also waiting for the recipies!! <hint, hint, hint> before I post too many more - lol - so I won't have to move so many of them - roflmao!!!

Thanks guys, you two are the ones who are awesome!!

And Teesa - I expect to see your jokes up there too - don't make me the only "post-a-holic!" <<HUGS>>