Keep the house clean, or be nice? - Am I the only one who can't do both?

luvmykids wrote: Is it just me? I feel like I have to choose wether I want a clean house and be an evil, raging lunatic or I can let the house go and be happy. The harder I work to keep the house clean the meaner I get. There has to be a way to have a decent house and a semi-sunny disposition all at the same time!

Also just curious, aside from your personal standards, how many of you feel you get judged (at least to some degree) as a mother based on the state of your house? I'm not a filthy person but not a clean freak either, and have three kids under 4. So the only time the house is truly company clean is from 11pm to 6am when no one comes over! And I swear people judge me as a poor mother because when they drop by (unannounced) there may be dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch, toys scattered everywhere, and trash that needs to go out. It drives me crazy! Aren't there good mothers with filthy houses and bad mothers with clean houses?

CAMSMOM1 replied:

Monica, ITA agree with everything you wrote! First of all, having 3 kids under the age of 4, it's to be expected that your house isn't spotless...so don't be so hard on yourself! Easier said than done! But you have a lot of things going on in your house, with the kids, changing diapers, feeding, baths...we have a million things to do on our list! And it never ends...always something you have to get done!

I also feel like people judge me based on how clean my house is. Even if it's DH's friends that stop by, I always find some excuse to tell them why my dishes aren't done, or why there are a million toys on the floor! Honestly, people that don't have kids probably don't understand how much work you are doing during the day, and why certain chores don't get done. But other Mom's, I'm sure understand. It's hard to find that happy medium, having a clean house and taking care of the kids at the same time.

I'm like you, I'm not a filthy person but not a clean-freak either. Of course I feel better when things are tidy, but in reality, to keep things clean all the time doesn't happen.

I wrote a post on this a few weeks ago, and got some good tips. 1.) Clean for 20 min., a couple times a day. 2) clean when the kids are sleeping or napping. 3.) Have your DH take over with the kids when he gets home so you can clean and not be interrupted. 4.) Have select days to do laundry, other days to clean the bathroom, ect. 5.) Make cleaning fun for the kids, and get them involved

They also gave me a good website: flylady.com

Well, we aren't Super-Moms...and all we can do is our best. I'm still struggling with this one, so sorry I couldn't be more help! Just know, you're not alone!

Ann

3_call_me_mama replied: Most days I feel like my house is a rat hole! Serriously.. clothes everywhere toys under foot in every room, dishes in teh sink, messy highchair (all before 9 am!!)
But my kids are clean, happy and i'm not moody. other days is hte house is REALLY Clean (no dishes, no laundry to be done, everythgin folded adn downstairs, all toys in their spot. i am GRUMPY! the kids are banished to one room and then i hate myself.. so i take a semi messy but clean approach with a slightly moody mama!

C&K*s Mommie replied: I have always wondered how people like the fictional family the Cleavers, kept up with everything. Homemade food was on the table, the house was spotless and the wife always looked presentable to her husband when he came in from a long day. I wonder if this was true for women/mothers in real time back then.

While our house may not be spotless all the time, I try to keep the hotspot locations semi-tidy in case someone does drop in. Simply put those are the living room, foyer, and kitchen. Most of the time it involves picking up the trash, and shifting things to other rooms! As time lends itself to me, I will do better.

Mostly all the time I feel as though I am being judged. And the guilt about not doing better supercedes that feeling of judgment.

But you are right, keeping things neat and orderly without being a witch may not be all that possible. There are... the real test of being a mother is not the standard of how clean your home is. On the surface you can be the cleanest person on the surface but you can still have a mean spirit. Just think of the movie "Mother Dearest". So take heart, that you are doing the best you can, and that the cleanliness of your home is only a small reflection of your mothering love. As long as your children are not being kept in rodent-infested spaces because of a lack of cleanliness, and laziness, no one can question your love for your family. Do the best you can, be proud of what you accomplished, then sit back and enjoy the time with your little ones.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I am going to try to simply reply and not vent on this post! ITA with everything Nichole (and everybody else) said. My house is clean but also usually messy,toys and games out and being played with. My ceiling fan in my bedroom has needed dusting for weeks-It makes me so guilty everytime I lay down at night it is starting to interfere with my sleep...Just dust it you may be thinking-me too-but somehow between breakfast...school(we homeschool)...lunch...storytime...laundry...dishes...more school....paying bills...ETC. The fan remains undusted. I don't think it makes me a bad mom because my house is LIVED in! It is a HAPPY home filled with lots of LOVE and LAUGHTER (and toys,games,books.. .and a little dust ) But isn't the LOVE and JOY inside worth a little extra dust,a few dishes in the sink,clean sheets being used as a tent instead of folded right away...I think it is! This is her home too! I know the day will come when I will miss stubbing my toe on a Princess wand in the middle of the night This house can be spotless again then...right now it is a HOME!!!

C&K*s Mommie replied: WELL SAID, Abbie~ WELL SAID!!!

fashionmumofboys replied: I'm so with you on this.

I also become a little mean when I tend to overdue my housework. I feel that it just never ends. I usually dedicate Friday nights to clean my upstairs and laundry and Saturdays I will clean my downstairs. My DH will take care of the boys while I'm doing the cleaning.

I just get so overwhelmed and frustrated most of the times, because it feels like you are just going around in circles like a yoyo. My DH tells me I'm watching the boys so don't worry. I think to myself I rather watch the boys and you clean. LOL.

At times I do feel judged, but all the times my mom has popped over she always said how clean my house was, even though sometimes it really wasn't dusted. I just went along with her.

The joy of motherhood and cleaning.

luvmykids replied: Thank you ladies, you helped me a lot! I heard someone say that trying to clean house while your kids are little is like shoveling the walk while it's still snowing! I'm going to try to see the day as a success if I've accomplished something with the kids rather than the house. Thanks again! It helps just to know I'm not the only one!

CosmetologyMommy replied: It always seems to me that dh invites people over ONLY when the house is a mess. His co worker came over when I was in some grubby jeans and a nasty shirt doing laundry and hanging it up! How embarrassing!!!!!!!! I feel the same way. I clean something and dh goes right behind me and messes

jcc64 replied: I actually lost a babysitter/nanny b/c she objected to the condition of my house. I am by no means obsessively neat, but neither am I a filthy mess. If you came over to my house unannounced, there would be clean counters and no dishes in the sink, clean bathrooms, but there is the day to day clutter- baseball gloves, toys, shoes, balls, etc. Sometimes I keep up with it, other times I let it go until it gets ridiculous. But what I told that babysitter was- I could spend the precious few moments of free time I have watching my kids play ball or reading a book with them, or I could be scrubbing the toilet. Is the toilet gonna come visit me in the old age home?!!!

Kaitlin'smom replied: Working out of the home full time and then spending time with my family does nto leave much time to clean the house. I do a general pick up the night before after she goes to bed. Cleaning like vaccuming, laundry, duting ect is done on the weekends. So come over during the week its not as clean as I woudl like it to be, its a HOME and lived in, not a show place. I woudl rather have a bit of dust, some mess to spend my time with my family then having a sparking clean house and missing out on her growing up.

coasterqueen replied:
same here.

DH and I, both work full time outside the home, so it's very hard to keep an orderly house. At night after the girls go to bed we do general clean-up and try to maintain some order. The house gets vacumed almost every night (the main parts) because we set Roomba to do that. On the weekends, well every other weekend I'll do the more heavy cleaning type things.

I am very fortunate that my husband shares in all household cleaning responsibilities so we 'tag-team' all those chores together so that we both can be happy and nice .

Hillbilly Housewife replied: My house is messy, not filthy. There as clutter everywhere... but my kids are happy.

holley79 replied: Honey my hat is off to you with three kids under 4. You can't be expected to have a spotless house. I only have one that is 12 days old and my house is a wreck. LOL. If they drop by they will get over it. I try and pick up when I can but there are days when I hardly get out of my chair or out of my bed right now.

PhiMuMommy replied: i don't think you're a bad mom.. my sister manages to keep her house spotless with her 4 boys.. but they are also limited on Where thy can play. (in thier rooms only) and i dont' think that is fair to them.. alex has free run of the house so i ALWAYS (unless i had JUST picked up) toys everywhere. my laundry is usually folded and spread out on the back of my couch and i dont' think i ever completley have clean dishes..seems like there is ALWAYS something in the sink to be washed. there isn't trash laying around or anything but usually there are coke cans about.. i feel that i am a good mom.. i love my son to death.. i love him enough not to spend every waking moment yelling at him for making messes and cleaning. i would much rather play with him and then do general pick up after he goes to bed.. lol.

remtana replied: I know what you all mean. I am the same way.

Angela

jem0622 replied: I can't ever keep a neat as a pin home. Never. DH even said if he had to keep it super tidy he'd have a major tude. It's just too much. Life is too short and the kids need our attention! We do throw out all junk mail as soon as it comes in the door. We do laundry and dishwasher all the time. We vacuum a lot (or the girls will eat who knows what off of the floor!). I try to tidy up the girls toys nightly and the boys have to do their best to clean their areas.

I'm not gonna stress over it! Don't you stress either!

MomToJade&Jordan replied: It usually comes done to this for me. Is your house a showplace or a home? I was once explaining to a person I know, who also has a child, that my bathroom was done in ducks. Jade liked the ducks and it helped with bathtime. This person looked at me and said whose bathroom is it. Well we had one bathroom with a bath in it so it belonged to everyone. Now my house is not the cleanest, but it's not filthy either. Lately I have been trying to get things done while Jordan is happy. Some laundry here, the dishes there. Look if you have children living in your house it's going to get messy. Not much you can do about that. They live there too. I am a total lunatic when I'm trying to keep the house spotless. It's a battle you just can't win when you have children. I would rather have a cluttered house and be happy then have a spotless house and be miserable.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Mine too!

and the laundry is piling up in it as we speak - and i ain't doing it. I'm on mat leave to be with my baby, not to clean the house. If i was at work instead of here with Naomie, it wouldn't be getting done anyways. This is my job. I clean up what I mess up... but dh can help with his mess.

BAC'sMom replied: I have always liked this saying!

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait,
for babies grow quickly, it’s just fate.
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby cause babies don’t keep.

Freckled Momma replied: If your kids are fed, clean(for the most part..lol),happy and your husband is happy...then be happy yourself and do what you can when you can...The housework will always be there...

I have also just started reading the flylady's website. It's helped me a lot.

My mom has always been harsh and judgmental and has said some really ugly things to me because my house wasn't perfect, but I am learning to let that go and tell her I am who I am, deal with it or don't come over. And our house isn't filthy either...just filled with 4 kids...

Be kind to yourself

luvmykids replied:
Oh, I love that! It hits me more everyday how fast they're growing up (almost 4 and almost 2) and makes me not want to regret another minute of choosing the house over them. Thanks again ladies!

PS The flylady.com is great! also check out theorganizerlady.com (I think they're similar)