Madison seeing her father... - advice please

MyBabeMaddie wrote: Hey guys, If you remember Madison's father is really messed up, he has been using drugs (prescription pain killers) for a long time. Anyways I know for a fact he's still using but he keeps calling me to see her, I don't feel comfortable with him seeing her alone (bc he uses) but I can't legally keep him from her... I supervised a visit this week but he insists on seeing her without me... I am at a loss, I know he would never let anything bad happen to her, but she gets into everything and what happens if he step outside for a cig and she finds some prescription pills and eats them?! I keep saying he can see her with my supervision but he won't stop calling and bothering me, I wish he would just go away and leave us alone but thats not happening...... Help guys I'm torn

amynicole21 replied: Do you have a custody agreement? Can't you get a judge involved? I'd be scared as well

msoulz replied: If he is using you do NOT know that he would never let anything bad happen to her. I agree with amynicole - find a way to get a court order to get him out of her life. Protect your daughter no matter what. Change your phone number, do whatever.

MoonMama replied: I agree unless there is a court ordered custody agreement. Its time to get them involved honey. Good luck and please KUP.

luvmykids replied: I know this may sound harsh and be even harder to say to him, but if he wants to be her father he needs to get his act together. He can't be daddy when he feels like it and incorporate her into his mayhem. I am sure it feels terrible to say no when you know he wants to see her and misses her. If he wants it bad enough, he can clean up his act. Otherwise, I'd say no.

PrairieMom replied: I agree, get a court order, he needs to get some help before he can be a positive role modle in her life. Its Maddie's well being you need to worry about, To bad so sad if it hurts his feelings. IMO.

Nina J replied: I agree with the court ordered custody agreement. I would be extremely hesitant if I were in you situation. Follow your instinct

Maybe you could offer him the option of spending time with Madison at your home, you could go out for a few hours. That way you would know that there was no drugs she could get in to, and you could check to make sure he didn't have any on him. If he really wants to see her, then I would think he would agree to that. If not, then I think that just shows a lack of commitment to his daughter.

But, if I were you, I would follow my instinct because that is the best indicator to yourself.

gr33n3y3z replied:
exactly

MyBabeMaddie replied: My cousin is a lawyer and he's in the process of writing a legal document for me stating that I have full custody, I just don't have the time, energy or money to go to court. I have told Adam time after time I do not want him involved, He had me so angry one day I told him I wished he'd just OD and get out of my life (I know that wasn't right) but when I graduate school I am getting the heck out of pittsburgh and he won't know where to find us.

CantWait replied:
If that's the case. Then set up a time for him, and under the condition that you check out his place of residence first. Make sure it's clean and there's nothing that could harm Maddie in her reach. Start short. A couple hours first.
Don't leave her if you're not satisfied with where she'll be staying.
As for running away, I know you've been through a lot with him, but taking his daughter from him won't make things better and will only harm Maddie in the end. If you truly believe that he won't let anything happen to her purposely, then it's doing nothing to solve the problem.

Calimama replied: I don't blame you for being worried. I agree, I think it's time to bring these concerns up in court. Good luck!

gr33n3y3z replied:
just make sure you dont take her out of state unless he signs a contract saying its ok bc he will hire a lawyers and press charges
But since your cousin is a Lawyer they wont give you bad advice

Cece00 replied: Generally, in an unwed situation, you DO have full legal custody, you dont need a document for that.

You dont have to let him see her, but by doing that, its possible that he will try & take you to court.

The best thing to do would be to go to court, even though you dont want to, and get him named as her legal father (in some states, signing the BC still doesnt make you the legal father), and set up custody and visitation, and child support. That would be the time to ask for drug tests for him and supervised visitation, with you getting full legal custody.

If you dont take him to court and he takes YOU to court, he may stand a better chance at getting joint legal & unsupervised visitation.

If you let him take her now, knowing he has a drug problem, then the courts may see it as you didnt think it was that big of a deal THEN, why is it a problem NOW? They may even think that because you lived with him so long knowing he had that problem.

Does he have a prescription for what he takes? Any or all of them?

jcc64 replied: First of all, big to you! What a difficult situation to be in. It goes without saying that your dd's safety is paramount, and as much as he wants unsupervised visitation, that simply can't happen while he's actively using. However, I don't necessarily think it's in your dd's best interest to completely cut him out of her life, unless of course he's habitually wasted in front of her. I would offer him supervised visitation, in your home, or even his- as long as you're there. I think it's a good thing that even in the midst of his addiction, he hasn't lost ALL of his impulses to love your dd, and it leaves the door open for them to reconnect when and if he ever gets his act together. You're doing this for her, not him.
As difficult as it may be, try not to let your anger at him cloud your judgement where your dd is concerned. Ideally, she needs to have a relationship with both parents, whether or not they can stand each other. I don't see how she gains anything by having him completely cut out of her life, even if he doesn't have his act together right now. The way around that, is of course, supervised visitation. If you can't deal with being around him, which is understandable, then get a court appointed supervisor or a relative you trust.

amynicole21 replied: Am I remembering correctly that there may have been an episode of sexual abuse when she was little?? I think it's really important to go to court on this one.