Major work/friend vent - very long

amynicole21 wrote: Recently I found out that I have been betrayed by someone I thought was a close friend. I basically got this person a job in my department at work, have known him and his family for many years and consider him a very good friend. He is basically a junior buyer in my company (I am a buyer), and seems to be one of those people who is always looking for ways to advance himself. That's great - even admirable. I told him and his wife that I was pregnant when I was only about 5 weeks along. I asked them to keep it quiet because I didn't want work to know yet. I thought he did, but I guess I was wrong.

Apparently, he had told my boss very early on about my pregnancy, and even insinuated that I would not be coming back to work after the baby was born There is no way DH and I can swing that, and I'm not even sure it would be something I would want! So for weeks (months?) my boss was under the impression that I would ditch the company as soon as I could. I believe that my "friend" did all of this so that he could position himself as next in line for my job.

Recently, I was told that I will not be going to the HUGE industry conference being held in January. Never before has someone in my position NOT gone to this thing... it's a once-a-year extraveganza. My boss said that they are trying to cut costs and that the company really doesn't find it that important to send buyers to the conference as nothing important gets accomplished. Well, all of the other buyers (including my "friend") will be attending. I guess I am the only one not going. My boss tried to say something like I wouldn't be very comfortable anyway since it's a lot of walking. Even if there isn't much actual business going on at this show, it's important (in my mind anyway) to maintain business relationships with my vendors. It's a once a year thing where we slap eachother on the back and congratuate ourselves, and I get taken out for drinks and dinner at fancy expensive places. As a woman in a male dominated industry, it is even more important for me to be out there proving that I'm confidant and competant. I told this to my boss and she basically said that the expense outweighs the benefits. Honestly, how is the money they are saving for not sending ONE person going to save them from economic "disaster"???

I don't know where to go from here. I've always felt like the low man on the totem pole in my department, but now it's even worse. I don't know how to approach my boss without sounding whiney and like a crybaby. Any advice?

Josie83 replied: I am sorry but that is really low. Who does that? What a pig. Is there anyway that you can let your boss know that you're going to be staying after the baby is around, but not letting him think you're doing it to tell tales? I don't know if this is making sense, but just sort of let him know you don't want to leave without mentioning this other person? It seems a bit harsh you've been excluded from this conference. I'm sure other people will have some better advice, I am always hopeless at this sort of thing but I really hope that it works out! Let us know how it goes xx

dreamweaver82 replied: wait a minute....shouldn't a buyer have more rights then a junior buyer......right there the boss is screwing you because if it was a money thing they would cut a junior buyer first. I don't know exactly what you should say but i know i'd be pissed off. My mother does the same thing and i know from her how important those conferences are. I think just having a regular conversation with the boss explaining that you love your job and would never think of leaving, how much you deserve to go to the conference, and anything else that might change the bosses mind. I hope you get through and get to go to the conference.

coasterqueen replied: Wow! What I'd do is just go in there, being honest, and say you have been "told" that someone told him that you are leaving after the baby is born and that's not true. That you are committed to your job and have no intentions of looking elsewhere or being a SAHM. Just tell him you think this has something to do with the reason you are not going and you don't think it's fair.

It's a tough situation but I'd explain to him how committed you are to your job as best as you can.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: OH Amy, I'm sorry you are going through this. Did you explain to your boss that your "friend" was wrong when he implied that you weren't coming back after the baby was born? I would make sure that your boss knows this, maybe she is under the impression that since you won't be coming back, you don't need this conference. It's hard when you get stabbed in the back by someone you consider so important. That is just terrible. As for confronting the friend, I don't know if it would make any difference, it sounds to me like he is just out for himself. And that is really an unfortunate way to repay someone for there kindness.

kimberley replied: what a jerk! i can't believe he did that to you and that your boss didn't have the nerve to confront you instead of kick you out of the loop! how unprofessional!! if it were me, i would lay it all on the table with the boss. go in there and definitely question why junior is going and dispel any rumors that may have been started. be strong in your convictions and level headed and you won't come off whiny. good luck and (((big hugs)))). i would be furious too.

Boys r us replied: OMG!!! I would be FURIOUS Amy!!

So, how did you come to find out your "friend" did all of this?
I would have a nice sit down with your boss and set the record straight!

amynicole21 replied:
Actually, my boss and I have a close mutual friend who also works here. My boss asked my friend about the rumors she was hearing and hinted that it was this "friend" that had told her. That's why it's difficult for me to come out and say something directly about it because it would get our mutual friend in trouble for breaking my boss' confidence.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Oh no!! What a JERK for doing that to you!!!!

First of all, it is discrimination what your boss is doing and it pisses me off!!! I know she is a female, but insinuating you can't walk or go to the conference b/c you are pregnant!!?? That is just downright discrimination!! Putting someone with no seniority above another with clearly more seniority and in a higher position is just wrong! Stand your ground. If you haven't told your boss you are pregnant, maybe this is the time to do that. When you tell her you need to let her know your plans. Maybe she is thinking that you haven't told her b/c you aren't sure if you want to stay with your job after the baby comes. KWIM? Tell her you hoped her decision on you going to the conference wasn't based on the fact that you are pregnant b/c you had a feeling she already knew. Tell her what you told us...that this conference is vital to someone in your position and it would be a career downfall if you didn't go. She probably wants to know you are committed. Stay strong and go in with a strong voice. You aren't whiney at all and I'm sure you won't come across that way. Good luck and let us know what you decide to do.

DansMom replied: Is there a human resources manager where you work? Ask to meet with that person and ask for a copy of the company's written policies on gender discrimination and other forms of discrimination (this includes preganancy). Also mention to him or her that you may want to file a grievance. Every company has grievance procedures, I believe. Write down the details of your conversations with your boss up to now, everything you can remember. If anything seems fuzzy in your memory, ask to meet with your boss to clarify her reasons and write them down in a notebook while you're sitting there. Once they get the sense that you're going down an official path on this, you may find yourself with a ticket to the conference.

And you have to set the record straight with your boss on the fact that you fully intend to stay on the job and have no intention of leaving. If your mutual friends are real friends they will understand that you are fighting for your job and your reputation.

jcc64 replied: Amy, I think it is CRITICAL that you approach your boss and clear the air. You can do so with or without specifically naming the source (loyalty has gone out the window, imho), but reiterate your intentions to return to work, work at full capacity up to your due date, etc. Explain to her that while you appreciate her consideration of your "condition" when deciding not to send you to the conference, the decision really should have been left up to you. Her alternate reason about cost conservations simply doesn't wash with the fact that your junior "friend" will be attending. As awkward as it may be, you have to call her out on this. I would gently say something along the lines of "I would hate to feel like this is a glass ceiling kind of thing." and depending on how that is received, suggest that you may consider filing a grievance if this sort of obvious discrimination continues. And as Tracy said, I would begin a paper trail.
You need to cover your ass, Amy, this guy's trying to pull the rug out from under you. And it seems to be working.

favre4fan replied: Ditto on what karen said. What a jerk!! I had someone stab me in the back and it sucks!!

My2Beauties replied: I agree with Dan's mom and JC, go to your boss and if nothing gets done file a grievance! I work in HR and that is discrimination!

Kaitlin'smom replied: ya it sounds liek this guy is after your job. have you told your boss your PG? time to start the paper trail and clear the air NOW before he succeds. What a jerk, hope this comes back to bite him. sorry you have to deal with this.

kit_kats_mom replied: I guess setting his hair on fire would probably be looked at as "immature" and "grounds for termination" by your company?

I can't even imagine someone doing that to you. That's just downright hateful. I agree with Dan's mom and Jeanne. I'd go the official route and hope that works.

If not, then it may be time to go all "melrose place on his butt" and put some porn on his computer then call the IT department and your boss about your "suspicionis". ROFLMBO.

jcc64 replied: Cary-
Love that "go all Melrose Place on his butt". Gonna have to remember that one.

Alice replied: I agree with the paper trail. Put it in writing: what has happened and why its detrimental to your career. You should include that someone with less seniority is going. List all your grievances in a calm, rational way. At the end, ask your boss when would be a good time to discuss these very important issues. At the bottom, do a "cc: human resources". That way your boss knows how important this all is, and that you have every intention of fighting for what's rightfully yours.

A&A'smommy replied: Okay I read this early and wasn't able to reply I'm sorry! I can't believe your "friend" did that to you!!! ((((BIG HUGS)))) I definitly wouldn't be talking to him unless you absolutly HAVE to!!! I HATE two faced people!!! (((BIG HUGS))) are you going to talk to your boss? If so let us know how that goes, okay sweetie!?