Mother-in-law's - What do you think...?

Farelle wrote: For years I have not gotten along with my DH's mother. It's along story but let's just say that it's not my fault and that I have never been anything but nice to her. Just recently she said something that really was the last straw for me. I bit my tongue as usual with her but of course I could not with my DH.

I stick to my belief that it's ok not to like one's in-laws, I would not expect my DH to like my family if they treated him the way she's treated me. But he CANNOT accept my feelings and acknowledge that I have a right to feel the way I do. I don't expect him to even say anything to her, but to at least show me respect. Am I wrong?

Calimama replied: IMO, neither of you have to like your in-laws. Some members of his family have been nothing but rude to me since we got engaged in 04. Getting married only made it worse. We've tried over and over again but nothing works.
So you know what? I've lived 19 years without these people I don't need them now. I am, however polite to them out of respect for my DH but it will never be the relationship I'd like it to be. DH has gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to some of them. I would never expect that or ask that of him but he made that choice and feels it's best for our family. Life is too short to have a lot of negativity. So embrace the good people in your life.

luvmykids replied: I think it's fine to not like your inlaws, I do think you have to respect them though for the simple fact of who they are. Even if they don't do the same, I think out of respect for DH it's an unfortunate requirement

Although, in your case, if it's ongoing and just getting worse, maybe DH needs to speak to them about respecting your position as his wife too.

Mommy2Isabella replied: It's fine not to like your in-laws!

I am with Bellasmomy10, I am polite and show the utmost respect for DH's mom. He has told her on occasion that she is out of line with some of the stuff she says to me.

I am surely glad DH likes my family and they like him, we live about 10 minutes from my mother and my dad is about 15 mintues away ..

Crystalina replied:
I totally agree with you.

I get along great with my in-laws but then again I've had over 15 yrs to work out the kinks. MIL and I had a rocky start but we both dealt with each other and although I made the occasional comment to DH I did not put him in the middle of it. I would not want him to fight my battles especially if that battle were with his own mother. I now put myself in her shoes and realize that I have a son and I will be the MIL and I would not want my sons wife to put him in that position. I, of course, will be the perfect MIL and she will love me....or else!

Mommy2BAK replied: Well that really stinks. Luckily for me my MIL and I have a great relationship, better than the relationship I have with my own mom... but that probably isn't saying too much.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: If I can recommend a book to you... "toxic inlaws" by Susan Forward.

It's fantastic.

Gives you the obvious insight that sometimes dhs need to have written in front of them by someone not their wife. Like: You've had 30+ years to know how to deal with your mother, I've only had 2 years to figure it out.

It's glaringly obvious.

And funny too.

Boo&BugsMom replied: I think it's totally ok to not like your in-laws, but I can understand possibly where hubby is coming from. It is his mom, and nobody likes to hear bad things about their mother, even from their spouse. He may feel like he is being put in the middle. ??? If it's really bad though, I agree with what Monica said about hubby saying something on your behalf. I think as long as you do your hardest to try and be civil, that is what counts. For me, my spouse getting along with my family is important, because we are a close family, but I would never tolerate mistreatment from either side.

Farelle replied: Wow. Thanks for all the support! I may have to have DH read all this!! LOL It has been going on for 19 years, I don't think she liked me from the start and her reasons were flat out WRONG! Just because I have different beliefs than she does is not a good enough reason to not like me. I'm very likable... !! Really, I am! And I have never really asked my DH to choose sides or even say anything to her for that matter, but I do EXPECT him to at least side with me in the privacy of our own home!



Thank-you!! This is where he misses the boat! And why we've fought about it all these years, bc I feel like he doesn't respect my position as his wife. Time to CUT the apron strings I say!

Thanks for the book suggestion.....perhaps seeing it written by someone else will give him the much needed kick in the pants he needs!!

A&A'smommy replied: you are not wrong in the least!!!!!!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with both Crystal and Monica here. You don't have to like them, but don't expect your spouse to fight the battle for you. I had a rocky start with my MIL too and I would complain to DH about it all the time. We would get in HUGE arguments about it. It just made matters worse between the two of us because DH would get defensive and then I would be hurt if he took her side. So I have realized that it's solely MY CHOICE not to like her, but I can't change the way my DH feels about his own mother, nor do I have the right to. He has a whole different experience being raised by this woman, so how can I expect him to see her through my eyes or vice versa, kwim? And like Crystal said, since I have had kids, especially boys, it really has put things into perspective for me - I will be a MIL someday (hopefully) and I'm sure I will be going through the EXACT same issues...So set yourself up with some good karma and just play nice...that's at least how I see it with my own MIL. Choose your battles wisely and keep your distance when needed, but show respect as you would want your DIL to show you someday.

Celestrina replied: Sometimes it seems like she is trying to start a fight with me, and it's been getting worse. She's pushed me to the point where I had to fight back.

luvmykids replied: Another thought, fwiw, I'd gotten fed up with my MIL during a visit and decided to play her game but guess what, even though it worked and she knocked off her crap, I felt terrible. I just kept thinking how I'd feel if DH treated my mom like that, wether she deserved it or not. I'd want him to respect ME enough to treat her with respect. BUT if it came down to it, and she was awful to him, I would talk to her about it. I would expect both parties to treat each other equally well.

It's easy for me to say because none of our issues have been real serious and we live a long way from each other

Farelle replied: Well, during our last "discussion" about her I did inform my DH that I woudl not be taking anymore of her crap! I have bit my tongue all these years and have never said anything remotely rude in response to her numerous comments, and I will try my hardest not to in the future, BUT I am going to stand up and tell her from now on when she's being rude. I will be polite about it until it become necessary to not be. DH will just have to learn how to deal with it. THe way I see it, he's had 19 years to try and make things better between us but he chose to bury his head in the sand and never stick up for me so he's partly to blame for the way things turned out.

Thankfully we don't have to see her that often! The fact of the matter is that she's not even that nice to him sometimes, and that only makes me more angry when he sticks up for her. Like for instance, on his birthday she'll give him some lousy gift that we know darn well she either bought last year and fished out of her closet or got it at a garage sale!!!! Not that she HAS to give him anything but the gifts just scream out "THOUGHTLESS" and "UNCARING". I would expect this treatment for myself but when she does it to him too.......

Twelve Volt Man replied: I am fortunate, in that my wife and I get along great with each other's family. If thing were different, however, I'd explain to my parents (and her's) that anything less than civil and polite treatment is unacceptable. If either side chose to continue to be hostile over our relationship, I'd view it as choosing to exclude us.